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July
25th, 2003 |
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6:15pm
going over to jason's for dinner
and snuggling.
after days of deliberation and study, i bought some cashmere on ebay,
and some wool with silk and angora in it! both in white. i am EXCITED!
purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr :)
2:01pm
sonia always cheers me up so much. i gave her her hat. she is near my mom's age...somewhere in there...and she is just so cool and vibrant and sexy and full of new ideas and calm and collected and fabulous. she is my inspiration. i feel so much better about life having seen her today. and she is going to do my hair on tuesday! i certainly wasn't expecting her to be able to do that so soon! i thought i'd have to grow my hair out longer in order to get extensions...but she says she can ge them in. i'm going to get brown and white with some multicolours thrown in...like a strip of red...perhaps some others, too. it will be so nice to not have hair that sucks! i am beyond excited. and while she is doing my hair we are going to have a long invigorating talk about how to wage our war on youth culture being seen as the only viable culture. because that has GOT to change. and slowly but surely, i hope it will.
it's hot outside but grey and humid. i want to go back to sleep because i didn't get much sleep, but i'm afraid if i do that my day will feel even more disjointed than it already feels.
i have some leftover noodle soup from my noodle place i'm going to heat up and eat. and make some of that instant chai. a powder you add water to. and hopefully this will give me some energy to clean my house. i swear the second my house is cleaned i have to start all over again.
yes, sonia, thank you so much for energizing me! it's good to know that there ARE people in the world who are energizing to be around instead of draining. i am lucky to know a few.
oh, and i have a new mantra and visualization
for stopping my mother's wicked power over me. i haven't perfected it yet
as i came up with it as i was falling asleep...but it's just basic: when i
see my mom in my mind or hear her voice i am going to say
YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME.
then, because i always feel her squishing my heart, i will imagine taking
that out of me and putting her in a box. then i will visualize that box getting
smaller and smaller until it disappears completely.
i hope that will help me somewhat.
because she just will not stop her antics. her new one was trying to get to me through jason. that's the latest manipulation. but i keep putting corks in all those holes.
7:45am
it' s 7:45am i'm over here at jason's
because there is a power saw and a jackhammer right outside my window...right
as i was about to sleep. spun all night, 5:30am got into bed exhausted. marvelled
greatly at myself for not thinking about my mother all night. then...powersaw...jackhammer.
EXPLETIVES.
grab keys ...go to jason's flop on his bed and immediately my screaming thoughts
start in on how angry i am at my mother and the take the form of the millionth
letter i write to my dad that i never send because he doesn't want to know
about it.
scream scream scream in my head
my heart feels like it could break in half, implode, and explode all at once.
tears. crying. dark angry bitter sorrow. heart shredding 'WHY WHY WHY"s.
turned on jason's computer to read my friends list to help get my mind on
something else. 30% effective.
now i'm typing in here.
i have to get up in 4 hours ( if i fall asleep right now) because sonia is coming over to get a hat i made.
i hurt.
i will try to sleep again now.
damn jackhammers and powersaws at 6:30am