July 17th, 2003
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4:21pm

i feel better having slept. but i am still drained. but i am recuperating and rejuvenating bit by bit.
i hope i don't get any more mean emails from my family or i hope that the next time it happens i will be more prepared. i think i will.
i don't think i can be caught off guard like that anymore. i'm not going to write a letter to any of them to explain my side. i'm not going to write anything. if they want to know my side of the story they can ask me. i'm sure they won't ask me, but oh, well. so it is.

jason is over and i am going to go smoosh into him now.

8:04am

listening to "the power of now" to help me calm down.

7:34am

mind spinning. racing. repetitive thoughts. crying.
writing letters in my head to my relatives in canada. there's nothing i can say to them that could stop them from hating me. it's futile.
i've already lost. there's nothing i can do. nothing. i hate this. i am so sad. i am so sad. i am so sad. it's so unfair and cruel. i wish there was something i could do to stop thinking about this. it's driving me crazy. i'm so tired. i can't sleep. i feel sick. i want my mind to stop thinking. i can't take this anymore. i just want my mind to shut up. it's torture. it's beyond torture. my heart feels like it's breaking.

6:17am

i was up all night. gonna try to sleep now.
mind racing. nervous.