July 16th, 2003
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4:53pm

nothing sister extricate past

i got the stuff for 1999 handed into my accountant. that feels good i forgot that 1998 was done. that means that after 1999 is done, 1/2 of the years i was audited for will be over and done with. that makes me feel really really good.

yesterday i went outside with the dogs and there were so many mosquitoes. even during the day. it's absolutely intolerable. mosquitoes are als getting into my house even tho my windows are shut. i'm really scared of mosquitoes like some people are scared of spiders. one night i couldn't get to sleep because there was a few mosquitoes in my room. augh.

i'm listening to generation 80's radio on live365.com
right now they are playing the stranglers and that makes me happy.

i've lived 99.999% of my life without my family in canada. why should i be so hurt?

i guess they are kind of like god...in the way that it's nice to know god exists and that s/he's there. it was just nice to know i had this cool family in canada if ever i needed them. it was a distant pillow i had. a tiny security knowing that i had that option to live in canada and perhaps have a more regular family life. bbq's to go to. a place to turn if i needed them.

 

 

3:39pm

well, i woke up to another punch in the stomache from my family.
my family in canada who is on my mom's side.

from one of my aunts who i love and who i thought loved me:

"How sad that you have chosen to make you
living this way and how sad that my son, your cousin was able to access
your site. What a line of winners you have found as business partners.
No wonder you don't want to hear from your mother. She probably
reminds you of the life you rejected, Stop using her for an excuse for
the pathetic life you have."

nice.

and yes, it made me cry. thank you aunt sharon.
thank you for being such a devout christian.

and so my mom is saying that i use her as an excuse for my "pathetic life"?

what the fuck? yes, i use her as an excuse that i am sad about my MOM. but i hardly blame my mother for my life. my life which is mostly GOOD except for the part about my mother and my finances. my finances that i take full responsibility for. and for which my mom knows absolutely nothing about and that i would never in a million years discuss with her.

i don't know what she is saying.

i don't have much of a family anymore. all the relatives on my dad's side are dead. then i have lots and lots of family up in canada on my mom's side who i never talk to or see except for every few years. i have always loved them very much and looked up to them. i haven't stayed in touch with them lately because i guess i was scared my mom would see it as some sort of political move on my part to get them on my side. i don't know. i'm just confused.

a few years ago i went to my mom's house because my favourite uncle was coming for a visit. i thought the visit went rather well. we had some good discussions that i thought were fair and logical and respectful.

then i heard from my mom that my uncle had gone to my site and reported back to her that the things i were doing on there were "dark" and i can't remember the exact words but the jist of it was that i was dabbling in things that were extremely dangerous and evil and that even though i thought i was doing "lightwork" what was really happening is that the devil was deceiving me and i was living a huge lie.

thanks uncle joel.

of course, my mom freaked out on me over this...although she refused to go see for herself to make her own mind.

i was pretty much blown away and felt completely betrayed by my uncle that he would say all of these things to my mom , and not at least having the courtesy of emailing me 1st to discuss his problems he had with my site. i just felt that he had gone behind my back and stabbed me.

that's when i got a bit more shy to contact my family.

maybe i should have emailed him back. but felt so betrayed i just didn't even want anything more to do with him even though he had been my favourite uncle.

now this from my aunt.

that leaves 2 other aunts and 2 other uncles i have not heard from.
and so, i am trying not to be cynical, but i think it's pretty safe to say that they are not feeling that great about me either.

it's hard to believe that people i really looked up to. people who supposedly love me and care about me, would be so incredibly immature and shortsighted. i mean, even my mom is being the worst of them, so i shouldn't be surprised by now.

maybe it's because i just assume that people are sane and logical until they prove to me not to be. and i am always surprised to find out when people are not sane and logical. perhaps i should just assume that people are insane and illogical so then i can be pleasantly surprised to find out when they are not.

what i am going to do is write a very well written well thought out letter to my entire family up there.

i don't think it will do a damn bit of good. i mean, my mom is their sister. and my mom is the mom.
they know her (they THINK they know her). they don't know me. she is going to win this one. not that i would be sending the letter to win anything. i know i can't win anyway. but just...i don't know...because i think i deserve to at least have my side said to them. i always think of that side of my family as my mom's and that i don't really have much a a "right" to them.
but i was born into that family just as much as my mom was. they are just as much my blood relatives as my mom's.

if she feels she can just go make up a bunch of shit about me and spew it across canada, then i feel i have the right to say my piece about that.

i just feel sick.

the whole thing is so unreal to me it makes me feel like i'm not really "here".

the whole day, my whole life, takes on this surreal dissassociative quality like i am both sinking and floating.

and fear crawls into me like a vampiric animal that moves in soul crushing waves from the top of my head to my feet and then around again.

a real physical presence. it's like fear is a true physical entity capable of inhabiting my body and crushing it from the inside.

but i know it cannot really kill me unless i think it can.

i know that the fear is the unreality. and that the only deception i am living in is that the fear is more real than i am.

i know that i am more real than the fear. i can still feel the real me who is just watching this happen and is unaffected by all of this.

all of this fear. it's not about me. the real me. it's just about my ego. my personality.

the angry email from my aunt has nothing to do with me.

the anger from my mother has nothing to do with me either.

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