July 8th, 2003
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7:45pm

this new big brother isn't doing much for me. they pick such unlikable people to be on.

i'm going to go over to jason's and chill out for awhile.

i've sorted through most of my paper. i have my receipts in order by year. now i need to go through the years and categorize all that. i have already done that quite a bit with a bunch of years. but 2002 is still a mess.

i bought a notebook the other day and i'm going to write every single transaction down in it for 2003 from now on. jason wants me to do quicken. he has been trying to get me to do quicken for years. but i think i will feel better to do it in a paper notebook. i have to do it my way. maybe someday i will graduate to quicken.

5:49pm

i'm writing this here so i remember:

pooka's birthday: march 12th, 1996

deiter's birthday: august 29th, 1998

i wish i knew sebastian's birthday. i got him what christmas 2001?

5:16pm

i found out that the address that courtney love published to send to her audition tapes was the WRONG address. the right address was published in rockrgrl magazine. at least i know it wasn't because of ME that she never got back to me on that. she never even received the package! why did not box not get returned to me then, tho? i would like my box back!

4:12pm

sorting through my paper (part 2)

3:51pm

no, i'm not done thinking thoughts. i just realized that the government never takes my creations and fucks me up the ass with them ( read this entire page if this is where you are starting from and are like, huh? ). a drawing i make is still just a drawing. it will always just be what it is. it's the energy that is exchanged between me and the person who wants to own that drawing that gets intervened on and taken away by the government, partially. the drawing itself can not be mutated.

ok, i'm going to eat soup.

3:36pm

ok, the GOOD thing about my life is that i THINK most of my expenses are tax deductable.
so, before i get into a huge thing that i am funding murder, i should WAIT until i find out how much i actually owe.
maybe my accountant is a financial genuis. and i think he is. and my life is my art, i have pretty well established this.
whether or not the government AGREES with this is another thing entirely.
but if they don't agree, and i'll have to cross that bridge IF it comes, i will seriously consider taking them to court.

but i AM getting ahead of myself. and now i see how i am causing pain that shouldn't have to be now.

i am not funding murder NOW.

i need to eat some food. i am exhausted from my mental anguish i have put myself through. i am entirely sick of myself and i swear not to think a single thought for the rest of the day.

gah.

2:16pm

ok, i understand more fully this thing i owe. my greatest financial flaw is i freeze before i even open the envelope. i freeze and assume i cannot understand it. and i assume there is nothing i can do about it so why even look or TRY. i owe like 4 years of taxes. the catch 22 is that my accountant to do this costs more than the actual taxes. and yes, i do believe i must have him because i want a CREATIVE accountant who i know will be with me throughout my life. like a doctor. i want someone i trust. in fact, i'd rather have an accountant i trust than a doctor i trust. because my body is my body but my finances...well..it's way more personal, isn't it? or is this sheer stupidity on my part?

but that's my decision. no one is forcing me to have this accountant. but i like things done right. which seems impossibly silly to say, since RIGHT is HARDLY how i am going about any of this. my god, i'm such a hypocrite.

so, if you don't pay the state taxes, i just found out, they do it for you and come up with the highest bill possible for you. so, according to all the finances they know about me (which is everything), they came up with the sum of 844.00 i owe for state taxes in 1999. then they added on 371.36 penalty. and 298.39 interest. which i think is absolutely sick and criminal (the penalty and interest). BUT...there is NOTHING i can do about that. it IS something i HAVE to accept. i am no exception to these rules no matter how UNFAIR i think it is. i may think it is unfair...but it doesn't matter. i still owe it. and THAT is THAT.

it has taken me a LONG time to realize that very simple truth.
"just because i think it's unfair doesn't mean i don't have to deal with it"

and the government doesn't care about my mental stability. they don't care about m pain or woes. they do not care about my financial unsuccess. only about my financial success. they aren't going to wait around for me to come to realizations, get my shit together, have a good cry, write about this in my journal, or seek medical help.

i have to think about them as "the borg". a machine. an entity with no feelings or ability to reason.
most importantly, they have no ability to reason. they are going to get their money from me one way or the other and so, that is something i have to accept. i can't take it personally, even tho *I* KNOW that they should no better. even tho i KNOW the system is corrupt, evil, sick, twisted beyond my wildest imagination. even tho i KNOW my money is NOT going to be spent for the highest good fo the planet. that, in fact, my money is going to go to HURT the planet in the worst of all possible ways. even tho i know my money is going for murder in the sickest possible way...THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

that is the way it is. i have to suck it up and DEAL.

so, i have 21 days in which to file a "replacement report" on 1999 so the real amount that i owe can be known.

this means i have to come up with money to pay my accountant to do 1999.
i'm trying to think...didn't i already pay him 1,200 to do 1999?

or , at least, he is ALMOST done with 1999?

ok. now i know what my next phone call must be. i must call my accountant.
i must get together all information on 1999.

and i must sell my piano somehow. but selling my piano means cleaning it off, taking a picture, putting an ad in, making sure i can mentally deal with people coming over to my house. keeping my house clean. but the piano isn't tuned. ok, so first i must come up with $150 to have it tuned. i don't know how i will do that. that is what stops me. i know if i don't get it tuned no one will buy it. and i'm afraid that maybe it won't be able to be tuned. that somehow something is wrong with it because my house gets so dry in winter and so humid in sumer. i'm afraid to find out that i was careless and stupid with my $3,000 piano. a piano that i NEVER played. i piano that i swore i HAD to have to make music again. obviously, didn't want to make music. and then that whole issue goes into more fear still. no wonder i hate to look at all of this. i hate to look at how i am afraid to make music. i am ashamed i bought a $3,000 piano that i never played. but worse than that, that i may have damaged it by not paying attention to it. that not only do i have to hate myself for not making music, but for buying a piano, not taking care of that piano..and then...in the end...selling it for practically nothing to pay off a bill to the government. a bill that i ignored out of fear and ignorance. and a bill that will go to pay for things the government does that i violently disagree with.

but lets be even more real.

a bill i just don't want to pay because it's MY money! oh god it IRKS me to NO end that the beautiful things i create and then sell go to pay for the governement. 40%! i mean, it's like slavery to me! i work to give 40% of MY money to the government?
it's like taking my art...turning it into a knife, and then fucking me up the ass with it. i'd be almost as pissed if this money went to orphans. because i would be FORCED to give it to them. and i am really searching my heart here..truly...would i be just as pissed?

i am really trying to be truthful with myself. i would be pissed if i were forced to give 40% of my money to orphans. because i just do not like to be forced to do anything. ( oh really? get that feeling? ). but i would be considerably less pissed, i think.

ok, yes, i really DO think i could deal with the fact that 40% of my money would go to people who need it more than i do.
i could live with that. i could LIVE with that fact. perhaps it really is about ethics for me MORE than it is about me owning all my money. although owning all my money is a huge factor. how could it NOT? who WANTS to be forced to give away their hard earned dollars? it goes against every fiber of a person's being. it goes AGAINST needing security...possibly the hugest driving force there is.

i am not a complete selfish monster. i DO want to keep my money. i DON'T know how to think of 1/2 my money not really being my money. one has to let go of it before one even makes it. you have to get in that mindset BEFORE you even make it.

which means have to think like...memberships to ana2 REALLY are 7.00 about.
i do not make 15.00 per membership. THAT is an illusion. well, i make 14.76 per membership after the credit card processors take out their fee. HOW can i think about this and not go mad? maybe i can think about taxes as my fee to live in the USA. but then it's NOT a free country, is it? it's not free at all. not even CLOSE. it's a slavery system is what it is. it is. seriously. i don't mean that in a melodramatic way.

so now my question is...how do i come to terms with that i am a slave, giving my money over to things that HURT the universe and still have integrity? self esteem? HOW do i come to terms with this?

is THIS about forgiveness?

is it that i LET them fuck me up the ass?

or is it that this IS rape?

HOW do i bend over and let them fuck me up the ass with my own creations and still remain a HUMAN being?

it seems my choices are:

1. let them fuck me up the ass and be bitter about it. which is an awful way to live.

2. let them fuck me up the ass and try not to think about it as much as possible.
which, to me, is denial, and therefore not living.

3. kill myself so i do not contribute any money to their evil system and they do not use my creations for evil.

4. live on the run.

you may think this is silly. i WANT to think of the government as the borg...or benign like a hurricane. i WANT to.
but the thing of it is, i KNOW it's not! i know it is COMPLETELY comprised of human beings. human beings who can FEEL. human beings who are INTELLIGENT. the fact that i KNOW this...the fact that i know these human beings do not give a SHIT about my wellbeing and the wellbeing of the planet just...BLOWS MY MIND!

so far, i just cannot come to terms with it. and so many times i would rather just die than be an part of it whatsoever!

i mean, isn't that how it can keep going? we all just say "oh well, there is nothing we can do"

and so we FEED THE MACHINE!!!!

i guess the only reason i won't die to keep myself from feeding this machine is that i also know that dying won't do any more good either. but maybe then i could die knowing i had some fucking INTEGRITY. y'know?

what GOOD can come from ANY of this?

i want to live my life with a higher purpose than just trying to minimize my pain as much as possible. bending over and thinking about flowers as they fuck me in the ass. i want my life to be more than that.

how do i live in the NOW knowing that these things are happening NOW?

but right NOW i am in my room eating strawberries typing to you. i'm not giving the government any money NOW.
but to NOT think about the fact that i am GOING to give the government money is just conning myself into a little bubble NOW isnt it?

how can i , if i have ANY integrity AT ALL, give my money over to help feed the most EVIL machine on EARTH.

if i put it into the terms of...that my money was going straight to hitler to help fund his evil plans wouldn't you agree that it's just WRONG to give him money?

i'm sure that the german tax dollars during the years that hitler was in power also went for some good. like people are ALWAYS first to point out, "but your tax dollars also go for new roads!" and i'm sure that part will go for schools and part will go for welfare.

but part will go for MURDER. is that at ALL a fair trade? can i sleep comfortably in my bed at night knowing my money went to buy books about math, paved a new road, and killed a person and polluted a river?

new books and road is equal to a human life? new books and a road is equal to human integrity, human souls, human worth, not to mention all the creatures of the planet who die each day from our stupid policies?

how is that AT ALL a fair or equal trade off?

how can i be ok with the fact that i had a hand in that?

i guess i could say that *I* didn't pull the trigger. but if i sell a gun to a known murderer...what part do i have in that murder? is it at ALL my fault?

how do i come to terms with this?

 

 

1:36pm

i don't even know what to say. i guess i didn't expect my dad to say he couldn't help me. well, he didn't exactly say that. he said he would have to mull it over for a few days because he would have to dip into his retirement funds. which is the same as saying no in my book because i'm not going to take his retirement funds. i mean really.
the thing is, about a year ago he told me he would give me 30,000 towards a house. he had received an inheritance. i looked around but there is no house for 30,000 in minnesota. there was one. and i looked at it. and it was almost unlivable. i have bad to no credit, so i can't get a loan for more $ so get a better house. he said maybe it would be better if he paid off my debt so i could get my credit ok. but i said i'd rather have 30,000 for a house. did he think that just because i looked at one house that that was that? i mean, was that my one and only chance? he didn't even want me to have that house because it was so rotten. but was that it? was there part of this agreement i did not understand? i was under the impression that the offer was still there. mean, c'mon it takes a person awhile sometimes to ge things together to get a house, doesn't it? especially if you are working on your credit. i don't think an entire year has even passed since he made this offer. has it?

if you made your daughter an offer like that, wouldn't you let her know when the offer was up? i mean, he said he had 30,000 he could give me/lend me towards a house. and now i asked for just 1/3rd of that so i could fix my credit so someday i could get a house. but now...all that $ is gone and he'd have to take it out of his retirement funds? what on earth happened? and let me tell you...my dad does not live high off the hog. he is a minister who never buys anything new for himself and gives money to the poor and doesn't go on any expensive vacations, etc.

and excuse me while i just allow myself to be really politically incorrect, judgemental, unforgiving, and totally NOT in the now...just to get this out.

i have never asked my dad for a dime. he did give me $600 to go to college. that's right. $600. i didn't get married, so he didn't have to pay for that. he won't even leave me his tiny condo in his will because he is going to leave everything "to the poor". finally, one day, he said he would give me/lend me this 30,000 because he got this inheritace. i just cried with joy. it was a huge gesture of love, in my eyes.
maybe he really DID care about my well being. maybe i counted for something.
i mean, i know he loves me. he tells me so. but that, was just a huge gesture. although, he basically told me that he was doing it because he felt guilty about giving so much money to my brother. although, i guess i believed it was more than that. it had to be. i don't know, maybe not.

my brother gets all the energy and money in my family.
they adopted him and we believe he has a bit of fetal alcohol syndrome. he has a lot of learning disabilities. he is not retarded or anything. he is actually quite smart, i think.
he just can't deal with much. he gets into a lot of trouble.
the squeaky wheel gets the grease. he was always the fire my parents had to put out. because of that, i always felt i had to be triply ok as to not stress out my parents. obviously, i stressed them out anyway as i lived my unconventional lifestyle and had a lot of heart ache.

anyway, i have this suspicion that, somehow, that $ all went to my brother. at least, i hope it did. because i know my brother has been in a lot of trouble lately.

really, it's none of my business. my dad can do whatever he wants with his money. it's not the fact that my dad had money and didn't spend it on me when i'm over here dying.
it's that he offered to me help, and then...never told me that my time had run out on that offer.
that's what irks me.
that's what makes me feel EXTRA unimportant.
it just feels like some sort of mindfuck.

it's just so damn CRUEL to open the door like that to me.
to get my hopes up. to make me have hope.
not only hope that one day i could have a house, but hope, also, that my dad cares about me so much he would actually see ME as worthy of his money.

i'm just never worthy of it.
in one sense, i guess i should see that as a plus.
he doesn't feel he needs to worry about me. he thinks i can do everything myself.
and so far, i have. so.. guess he's right.

but FUCK. it would be NICE to have HELP ONCE IN AWHILE.
when he offered to me that offer, i felt that for ONCE in my life i had a pillow to fall on. i had dreamed about having a feeling like that all my life. like people who can go back home and visit there old room. like people who can still store a few things in their parent's basements.
just SOMETHING. a pillow.

and then, to just take it away like that.
i'm like, HI! i'm over here! do i COUNT for anything???
do i even count enough that you could at least TELL me that you are now going to spend the money on something more worthy???
could you just LET ME KNOW so i'm not thinking that is an option in my life???

i would just like to be told. AT LEAST.
at the VERY least.

it's not about the money. it's about feeling that i count for something in this family. this family that i do not have.

i'm angry. i have so many people i have to forgive so i can move on.
they got to the forgiveness excercise in the "energy of money" book last night. and i just totally blanked it out. i got all rigid feeling. i got all anxious and icky feeling. i want to be ready to forgive. i'm angry with myself for not being willing to do it.

part of me thinks i am being punished for not being able to forgive. this scares me. but i cannot be forced to forgive out of fear. that is not real forgiveness. perhaps i have to forgive myself for not being able to forgive. maybe that is the first step. i don't know.

if i believe i create my own reality. why am i creating this reality? what parts do i have control over? and what parts do i not?

i don't have control over how my dad feels about me. i do not have control over what he chooses to do with his money.

i do have control over how i choose to feel about this.
don't i?

i'm sure he's not sitting around thinking " i choose to make my daughter feel she doesn't count for anything". but that's just it. he doesn't THINK. he doesn't fucking think.

how can he be a minister and miss this VERY IMPORTANT POINT?

then he will tell me. "i am a sinner."
well, GREAT dad. but does that REALLY let you off the hook?
does it?

jesus may forgive you, but will *I*?
not that my forgiveness counts for shit.

how DOES one let go of their ENTIRE FAMILY??

it makes me question my entire childhood.
what was "real"?
was my dad ALWAYS like this?
was my mom ALWAYS such a selfish ass?
did i just not see it when i was little?
did they just love me more when i was a child?
and if so, why don't they love me as much now??

what changed?
did i change?
did i do something?
is it just them?
what??
what happened???

i know this entire line of thinking isn't going to get me anywhere. i know this entire line of thinking is a dead end. worse than that, it's a black hole. a giant black hole that can suck you in and obliterate you.

i can't even entertain the notion that i will ever know the answers to these questions. not even close.

and if i did know the answers, would it even make me feel any better? because really all i want is to count for something in my family. all i want is their love and acceptance. and answers aren't going to give me that.
and i have no control over ANY of this. and so to stay locked into this line of thinking is absolute insanity, it's mental suicide.

and so i HAVE to let this go. i HAVE to for my life.
for my life to go on. to begin. to ANYTHING.

it's just SO HARD.

i have to become unattached. i have to stay in the now.
that is the only way.

i will call the government and ask to be put on a payment plan for this 1,513.75 i owe by july 14th.
that is something i can do NOW.

what pisses me off is that the original amount i owed was just a few hundred bucks. it's all those fucking late fees they stick on. i HATE the government.

but i take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for this. i am accountable. i let it get this bad. this is no one's fault but mine. but i still hate the government.

nothing bad is happening to me NOW.

all my pain is caused by my fixation on the future and on the past. and none of that is real or happening now.

i swear to fucking god i will get the hang of it.

12:06pm

my dad can't help me. i feel sick.
i'll write about this later.

1:06am

i got so much done today. it feels good :)