July 7th, 2003
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7:52pm

gonna go get something to eat with jason now. jason just got home. he had a 12 hour day, the poor creature.
i feel good. i feel positive. the paper scares me, but i am going to make ti through that darn paper.

6:26pm

going through all the paper in my life from the last few years makes me feel sick. i have a headache now.
i feel nauseous and dizzy. i have my mantra:

"it's only paper it's only paper it's only paper"

it's like all my paper contains my dark side. the side of me i hate to look at. the bills i was late on paying. the bills i didn't pay. the trip i took that turned into a nightmare. the restaurant i used to go to that holds bad memories. the hospital bills. the business things i don't undertand. the business things that overwhelm me and make me shut down. letters from my mother. letters from my father. all this paper. it's just paper. but so much of it holds bad memories for me. but it's just paper now it's nothing more than paper. all of that is in the past. i can't wait until i am done having to touch this paper. i am going to hugely celebrate when i am done with it.

this is so hard for me to do. so hard. but i will keep going. it will end. it's over with NOW. it's just paper. i'm NOT there anymore. i can learn from my mistakes and move on.

pretty soon i'll take a break and crochet and watch tv. i did a lot today. i cleaned up my room, dragged all my paper in here and now i'm sorting through it. you have no idea what a huge thing this is for me.

there are no words to describe how much this has been hanging over my head slowly killing me.

my dad hasn't writen me back yet. i feel panicked about it.
but i have to be proud of myself that i made the huge leap and ASKED for help.

even if i don't get the help, i asked for it. and that also is, for me, a really huge thing.

4:53pm

ok, i've got most of my room clean. listening to pulp and oasis. might go into the other room and clean a bit in there, too.
i never really unpacked when i moved last. it's getting kind of out of control in there.

here is a funny random:

potential apple cranberry mindgame

1:54pm

THE PLAN

i'm going to clean my room a bit. then i need to find a bunch of empty boxes. then i am going to put every last piece of unorganized paper on my bed and i'm going to sort it all out into those empty boxes.

1:39pm

ok. i did it asked my dad for financial help. he offered it to me awhile back but i did not take it. i hope his offer still stands. i can't believe i had the guts to write him and ask him. but i just DID it. i am petrified as i await his response.

1:23am

i sure am looking forward to my next creative streak! i know that's not a very "in the now" thing to say.
i have only visited my mom's journal once since i told her to fuck off last. so, that's PRETTY good. but i must stop doing that altogether. i still can't get over that she chose lj over me. i don't think one could ever get over something like that. i've got to stop thinking about it. something. the nights are always hardest. i'm NOT going to go there. i'm NOT. stop. it. stop. my. mind.

i will listen to an audio book now. anything to make my mind shut up over that.

i haven't missed writing in my livejournal. i haven't written anything of interest in there for over a week now. i have no idea if i will ever go back to loving livejournal as much as i did. my mother has just really ruined it for me. she was just the last straw.

ok. stop it. fuck.

i need to get a gong or some bells to hit so i can concentrate on that.

something...

ok...an audio book.

this "energy of money" book is VERY interesting and thorough.

it really makes you face absolutely every last little thing about money. how you think about it, feel about it, interact with it. i am going to write about this in much greater detail later. it's an absolutely fascinating subject.

i think i am becoming much more "realistic" about money. i am owning up to my part in it. i am being brutally honest with myself. i am becoming accountable for all my actions. i AM accountable for all my actions in regards to money.

i am also having a dilemma over how one stays in the now but also works for the future.

i'll figure it out.

i have to.

my monkey mind drives me nuts.

 

 

12:00am

staying in the present moment is, so far, a very difficult thing to do!