July 4th, 2003
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fireworks 21.86 MB

4:30pm

sorry the cam keeps freezing. my old computer keeps freezing. getting the dreaded blue screen.

i take back that it was thinking that got me out of my recent low i think it was too much thinking that got me IN the low. i think , perhaps, i got so low that i finally STOPPED thinking. and i think it was, perhaps, in that moment that grace was allowed in my cluttered brain and i was actually able to see a way out. i'm not sure. but i think so.

think think think think think

i'm trying to be a watcher of my thoughts and remove myself from my constant thinking so i can finally have a peaceful mind. it is so hard for me to do. my mind is constantly chattering with crap. i really want to break out of this cycle and be able to be free of my mind. to get free of my mind is my #1 priority right now. i so much want to feel the real me behind all the constant repetitive thought.

3:40am

was just going to go to bed, but another fantastic thundertstorm is just starting to happen. lightning whips across the sky and a big wind is making unseen things outside clash around. it excites me. change is in the air. everytime the wind blows i wonder what change is coming or what is passing through. i mean that quite literally, as i've siad before that i believe physical things on this earth are symbols f things. just like when you dream, things that are physical objects in your dream are symbols for things. but going further than that, i also believe that the symbol and the thing are one and the same.

i guess i'm glad i hit such a low recently, as i think that was the kick in the butt i needed to get back into more spiritual things. it really forced me to try and connect with the universe/myself again in a deeper way than i had been the last few years. i hope i stay with it and go further into it, because i really had been missing my spirituality. i want to keep it this time without having to hit an emotional rock bottom to remind myself of it again.

it even got to a point where my spirituality felt so far away that it was almost like a distant thing i barely remembered or related to. it seemed even silly and embarrassing and perhaps not even true. granted, i have (and i guess still am) into some pretty bizarre spirituality. at least as far as the western world is concerned.

it seems almost like a miracle that i was able to one day, hit that lowest of the lows and want to die and the next day be again revitalized to move forward. i though there was nothing left in me. not even a single ounce of strength. i felt so alone and so disconnected from everything. and now, i am starting to feel that connectedness to all things again and starting to get my sense of wonder back.

i think it was partialy a "miracle" and partially it was me just willing it, somehow, back to me. not that it had ever left.
maybe "god" heard my cry for help and jumpstarted me. maybe i am just completely nuts. i don't know. no, i don't think i'm nuts. but i'm sure i must appear to be to some people.

even tho the transformation of me from one day to the next is truly remarkable, i do not want you to think that it was all just a simple easy task. when you see me sit on my bed and crochet or just sit. or even when u dont see me at all, i am intensely trying to work things out. thinking about every possibility. leaving no stone unturned. i may just write about part of it in one big anagram, but it was hardly only one anagram's worth of "work" i did to reach up and pull myself (with the help of the universe and my friends...sync in beatles song), up out of the emotional gutter.

it's just not "me" to be bitter and angry. ok, maybe angry. but it's not me to be that bitter and WHINY! god, do i hate whiny. and i refuse to become a citizen of Loserville. i guess i'm glad i became a whiny pathetic loser, because now i see what that is like and how one can so EASILY get to that spot and how hard it is to see one's way out. i hope that i can help other whiny pathetic loser's out of their own private hells , too. i don't know how exactly, maybe it will just happen by example. IF i can manage to stay out of Loserville myself. i surely don't know if the coast is clear on that one.

oh, the dr. phil book. how was it? i would say if you are total beginner to asking yourself any deep questions, then that would be a good place to start. he is a good reader of his book, so it was an easy listen.

but i have to say i am quite shocked that so many people really do not ask themselves deep questions like "what do i REALLY want to do with my life?" or "what would REALLY make me happy?" or "WHY do i do this behaviour?". from my experience, i think a lot of people really don't ask themselves this. and to me, that is just as mystifying as a woman who says she has never looked in the mirror at her own vagina. and yes, there are still women out there who have never looked at their own vagina. and i just DON'T get that. at all. i am seriously blown away by that.

maybe i will expound on this more later.

so far, the power of now audio book is really cool. i really love the guy's voice, too. very very pleasant.

and i got dirk gently's holistic detective agency on audio. and douglas adams, himself, reads it. what a treat!

i've read all the hitchhiker books so i'm excited to hear this one. i really need a good laugh.

if you sign up to audible.com , please say i was a referrer, i get points :) my username on there is "anavoog"