July 4th, 2003
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3:40am

was just going to go to bed, but another fantastic thundertstorm is just starting to happen. lightning whips across the sky and a big wind is making unseen things outside clash around. it excites me. change is in the air. everytime the wind blows i wonder what change is coming or what is passing through. i mean that quite literally, as i've siad before that i believe physical things on this earth are symbols f things. just like when you dream, things that are physical objects in your dream are symbols for things. but going further than that, i also believe that the symbol and the thing are one and the same.

i guess i'm glad i hit such a low recently, as i think that was the kick in the butt i needed to get back into more spiritual things. it really forced me to try and connect with the universe/myself again in a deeper way than i had been the last few years. i hope i stay with it and go further into it, because i really had been missing my spirituality. i want to keep it this time without having to hit an emotional rock bottom to remind myself of it again.

it even got to a point where my spirituality felt so far away that it was almost like a distant thing i barely remembered or related to. it seemed even silly and embarrassing and perhaps not even true. granted, i have (and i guess still am) into some pretty bizarre spirituality. at least as far as the western world is concerned.

it seems almost like a miracle that i was able to one day, hit that lowest of the lows and want to die and the next day be again revitalized to move forward. i though there was nothing left in me. not even a single ounce of strength. i felt so alone and so disconnected from everything. and now, i am starting to feel that connectedness to all things again and starting to get my sense of wonder back.

i think it was partialy a "miracle" and partially it was me just willing it, somehow, back to me. not that it had ever left.
maybe "god" heard my cry for help and jumpstarted me. maybe i am just completely nuts. i don't know. no, i don't think i'm nuts. but i'm sure i must appear to be to some people.

even tho the transformation of me from one day to the next is truly remarkable, i do not want you to think that it was all just a simple easy task. when you see me sit on my bed and crochet or just sit. or even when u dont see me at all, i am intensely trying to work things out. thinking about every possibility. leaving no stone unturned. i may just write about part of it in one big anagram, but it was hardly only one anagram's worth of "work" i did to reach up and pull myself (with the help of the universe and my friends...sync in beatles song), up out of the emotional gutter.

it's just not "me" to be bitter and angry. ok, maybe angry. but it's not me to be that bitter and WHINY! god, do i hate whiny. and i refuse to become a citizen of Loserville. i guess i'm glad i became a whiny pathetic loser, because now i see what that is like and how one can so EASILY get to that spot and how hard it is to see one's way out. i hope that i can help other whiny pathetic loser's out of their own private hells , too. i don't know how exactly, maybe it will just happen by example. IF i can manage to stay out of Loserville myself. i surely don't know if the coast is clear on that one.

oh, the dr. phil book. how was it? i would say if you are total beginner to asking yourself any deep questions, then that would be a good place to start. he is a good reader of his book, so it was an easy listen.

but i have to say i am quite shocked that so many people really do not ask themselves deep questions like "what do i REALLY want to do with my life?" or "what would REALLY make me happy?" or "WHY do i do this behaviour?". from my experience, i think a lot of people really don't ask themselves this. and to me, that is just as mystifying as a woman who says she has never looked in the mirror at her own vagina. and yes, there are still women out there who have never looked at their own vagina. and i just DON'T get that. at all. i am seriously blown away by that.

maybe i will expound on this more later.

so far, the power of now audio book is really cool. i really love the guy's voice, too. very very pleasant.

and i got dirk gently's holistic detective agency on audio. and douglas adams, himself, reads it. what a treat!

i've read all the hitchhiker books so i'm excited to hear this one. i really need a good laugh.

if you sign up to audible.com , please say i was a referrer, i get points :) my username on there is "anavoog"

 

July 3rd

10:10pm

if you likes the other terminator movies, i think you will like this one also. it was pretty good :) not disapointing!

jason is coming over in a sec and then we are going to listen to "the power of now" audio book.

i wish i had a balcony to go drink lemonade on. the night is thick with humidity but not unpleasant. smells like summer.

i have no comprehension that tomorrow is the 4th of july. that seems completely unreal to me. it could be april or september. i have no concept of it.

do you have any plans? we have no plans. we'll make it up tomorrow.

 

6:50pm

i'm off to see the new terminator movie with jason. see u soon!

3:56pm

i have lots to say and will say it soon :)

2:09am

it's been so hot. to hot to go outside. and HUMID. my air conditioner takes a lot of the edge off, but when it gets up into 90 degrees and the upper 80's, it's still uncomfortable in my house. now a big thundertsorm is happening and i'm hoping that will bring in some cooler air, even if it's just for a few hours. but so far, i can't get a breeze from it to come in. it's says it's still 81 degrees out. i'd love to go out and play in it if it weren't 2am. it seems i miss out on so much good sensual fun because the world is a scary place at night for women.

i love thundertsorms.

i'm so awake right now but i HAVE to get tired so i can get outside tomorrow and do those errands i have been meaning to do. and tomorrow MUST be the day i do them. and that is that.

mmmm. thunder. :)

i have my period now and with the rain, too, it feels like things are being released.

but with the heat and humidity, as well, everything feels soggy and i feel like there is a thin sticky film covering everything.
i just have to not think about it too much and concentrate on other things.
like how you have to do when it is winter.

i've been crocheting with this tiny tiny crochet hook this thin wool yarn that is very itchy.
i didn't know it was so itchy when i bought it. it's not even a nice colour but i'm going to dye it with cherry koolaid later.
i hope it won't be bad that it's itchy because it's a hat and therefore won't be next to skin, only hair.
but it's unpleasant to work with and i am never going to buy itchy yarn again.

to work with soft yarn makes me purr.

the way a crochet hook dips into soft yarn...the sensation of it..reminds me of scooping into rich ice cream.

itchy yarn and hot humid weather. STILL. i am ina fantastic mood because i don't feel like dying. it's a lot like how happy and light you feel after you've been sick with the stomache flu or something equally yucky and then you are well again. you are just so happy to feel NORMAL that normal feels like heaven.

i hope this lasts.