July 2nd, 2003
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4:15pm

ok, i'm being super hokey and i downloaded an audible book from audible.com... phil mcgraw's "life strategies".
i know a lot of you probably dislike dr. phil just because he seems to be the thing people hate because so many love him. but i rather like the guy, even tho i do not agree with everything he says. anyway, i hope this book will be a good motivator :) i'll let you know how it is :)

1:13am

call me whacked and bizarre, but i feel a GAZILLION times better!
telling my mom to fuck off, having a good cry, having a good talk with jason, and having some realizations about some things has really rejuvenated me. plus getting some loving emails from a few of my friends ( and i have yet to write you back, i WILL...i was just too exasperated to even email) has given me strength and hope.

plus my firm decision to think positively instead of negatively has really already changed the reality of my world.

i think my thumb may even be healing now. but i'm not going to bet money on it.

i had a HUGE realization (and this may seem pretty elementary to most of you but it wasn't for me) that part of being self reliant is having the strength to ask for help. and also to know WHO to ask for help, etc. i realized that it wouldn't be WEAK of me to ask my dad for help, it would be STUPID to not ask my dad for help.

so, even if he says no and cannot help me, i am not going to feel weak about it. i am not going to feel like somehow i am defective, embarrassing and weak. because asking for help , in the appropriate ways and at the appropriate times of the appropriate people is ESSENTIAL to being self reliant. that is how people get projects done. that is just the SMART thing to do.

i don't know why it took me SO LONG to figure out that very simple thing. but it did. i was VERY confused (as you know).

so, i just do not feel stupid and weak anymore. and that has done WONDERS to how i feel, as you can imagine!

and so, because i figured out the lesson that my infected thumb was the symbol of, my thumb is now healing.

i know that just sounds crazy to many of you. but i truly do believe that things in the physical world are symbols of what is going on in the "inner" world. for example, a person with shoulder pain perhaps feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. if you have a stomache ache , there is something in your life that you are having a problem stomacheing.

louise haye explains it well in her book "you can heal your life"

when i got this mysterious infection in my thumb , and when it would not go away for months, i knew it was trying to tell me something. it sounds weird, i know. but i'm telling you, from my experience, this has been true for me.

anyway, now if my FACE would clear up, i'd be a super happy camper. but i have my period, sort of...so..it's par for the course.

my period has just been mostly in this stage of almost getting it...but then i just don't. the last few times have been like this..then all of a sudden WHAM ..a huge massive period. so i am waiting for the massive part to happen.

maybe it's just the stress i have been under lately making my periods weird.

i'm sure you're thrilled to know.

anyway, i'm going to go read a bit now before i go to sleep.

goodnight :)