July 1st, 2003
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5:51pm

i didn't get the errands done that i wanted. but i DID pay the phone bill, vacuum, take out the garbage, buy some food, take a bath, and give sebastian a haircut. so, that's good for something :)

now i'm going to do some laundry and then go over to jason's to see if perhaps there is a good movie on tonight for us to watch. i am also going to read my new agey self help book "living with joy" again as it's always helped me in the past.

at this moment, i am feeling a bit better. i am NOT going to go read my mom's journal. i am going to stay out of there. and stay out of all the places that cause me stress. i am going to make a huge conscious effort to think positive thoughts and replace negative thinking with positive thinking whenever i feel negative thinking taking over in my head even if that means i have to force this kind of discipline upon my mind every 30 seconds to retrain my ways of thinking.

positive thinking has always helped me in the past. i really do believe we create our own realities. why i have chosen to have this negative reality around me lately is beyond my comprehension. although another thing i must stop doing is being so hard on myself.

i even have to stop being hard on myself about being hard on myself.

*whew*

ok, i'll be back later.

 

3:23pm

started giving sebastian a haircut. he was one big dreadlock. still have a ways to go on him, but the major stuff is done. he looks just goofy now and all haphazard. i swear he must be a pound lighter without all that fur.

2:38pm

now i must get ready to go out into the 85 degrees weather and get to the bank and mail a few things.
my mind is just careening with the surreal pain of my family.

i'm listening to venushum.

i will survive this. i survive EVERYTHING.

2:11pm

of course she writes me back and she thinks i am the one who is abusing her. she isn't sorry about anything. she has now twisted it in her mind that i never told her to leave livejournal. she says i told her to go find her own corner of livejournal. so , in her mind, she is doing what i ASKED her to do. the truth is i told her to go find her own corner of the INTERNET and i gave her urls of other places she could have a diary. but no. it's not about having a diary for her. it's about using her account to harrass me and belittle me and control me. and i'd go into that further, but that would be giving out details i don't want to get into. anyway. she's made her decision loud and clear. she is a true narcissist in every sense of the word. addicted to the attention she receives from her 10 lj "friends" at the expense of having a daughter. at the expense of hurting her daughter more than she could ever imagine. and also, like a true narcissist, if you let them know they are hurting you, they dig the knife in deeper. which she has. in her mind, i am the abuser. i am the abuser because i refuse to work out this relationship with her now and because i used words like "mindfuck" in my email to her. if she wanted to work on the relationship she would leave livejournal and just go have a diary at blogger or diaryland. but what fun would that be then if she couldn't try to recruit people from MY friends list over to her journal so she can prove to me what a nice person she is? and what fun would that be to give up that sense of power and control? it gets so deeply fucked up. i hate her for being this much of a selfish bitch. and i'm the one who gave her the code. what a fucking idiot i was. she takes my gift and turns around and uses it as a weapon against me. it's unreal to me.

i feel sick.

 

3:39pm

i love the smell of night.

i don't understand how it got to be july so fast. it doesn't seem real that it will be 4th of july in a few days. i'm so removed from the seasons. time just seems to pass by in one big lump. if i blink my eyes there will be snow on the ground again.

2:43am

just when i think i'm done crying...i start on another crying jag.

i broke down and wrote my mother another fuck-you-leave-me-alone email.
i shouldn't have done that. i'm sorry. what can i say?

i can't block her email on my juno and she writes me these "nice" little emails everyday.
she thinks that makes it ok then to email me. fucking manipulative cunt.

i told her i never want to see her or hear from her ever again. i had never told her that before.
i had just told her not to email me and to leave me alone. same thing, really.

i told her if she ripped my heart open and ate it it would hurt less.

i seriously feel like throwing up now.

i wish i had a xanax. i wish i had SOMETHING to calm me down.

i hate her. i hate her so much for being such a motherfucker.

i miss her so much when she used to be an actual nice mom. it's like she has just transformed into this person i do not know or understand.

this pain is unbearable. i think this might be the worst pain i have ever felt ever.

more than the boyriend who punched me in the stomache and almost strangled me. more than the boyfriend who cheated on me and then ate chicken mcnuggets while i contemplated suicide then dropped me off on my lawn, took all the money i had and went to go buy beer with it and then never spoke to me again for years. worse than the boyfriend who wouldn't stop fucking me in the ass even when i told him it hurt and to stop.

this is worse and more mindfucking than the guy who busted down my door and tried to rape me.

this is worse than all of those combined.

i just feel sick. i feel like i have a temperature.

this is a nightmare. this can't be really happening. this can't be real.

i can't believe i mean so little to her that she won't even stop emailing me.

i can't believe i mean so little to her that she won't even leave livejournal. and get this. she told me she did. but she lied and just started another one. but months passed and she just had to torture me by telling me that she had started a "new" one. and bragged at how "successful" it was. like she just couldn't bear that i wasn't reading it.

so she LIED to me. i told her if she had one single ounce left of respect for me she would leave livejournal. i said fine, have your journal..it cost you your daughter. so she was like, oh ok i'll leave!

but she didn't leave. she just started a new one. and now she TOLD me about it. what kind of sick twisted shit is THAT??

it's even more twisted than that, i don't even want to get into it for fear that some of you may try to go track it down and if that happened that really would be hell for me. so please, don't add to my pain and do that. not that i think you could find it amidst the almost million journals on there. plus, she is pretending to be from some other country or something on there. she is just making up all kinds of stupid shit. and it's a really boring journal. she just adds these little things to it that only i would get that are obvious jabs at me.

god, now i am cold and shivering. my head hurts.

typing this has at least helped me not to throw up. the room was seriously spinning there and everything was feeling unreal. like i was entering into some sort of disassociative state because i was in such pain.

i feel like i've aged ten years in the past hour.

pbs is on in the background. thank god for pbs. so comforting.

it's a documentary about jazz. i haven't been paying attention to it, obviously, but i'm sure it's interesting.

i can't type anymore out in my livejournal.

i just feel too raw to share with that many people right now. there's too many things that can go wrong out there. there is so much good out there but the bad is so downright evil.

there are people out there who are so evil and hurtful that i would not hesitate to kick the living shit out of them if ever i saw them in real life. and i don't like feeling that way.

i think i need some primal scream therapy and i need to go smash up something with a baseball bat.

i don't know when i became such a violent person. it started probably after that guy busted in my house.

violence is a virus. and evil soul killing virus that jumps and grows from person to person. and i am infected.

the antidote is definitely the pooka dog.

i need to go smoosh with the puffins now. i need some serious puppy whuffling.

i hope i sleep soon and don't have nightmares.

i just can't take it anymore. i'm so exhausted. tomorrow i have got to get outside and lay on the ground and ground myself.

i also have to get those errands done that i didn't get done today.

i hope i don't regret writing this.