anagram 12.30.98
10 pictures about 48 hours of knifestabbing pain to the head. glad it's over. fucking hell. *sigh*
i'm so ridiculously happy 2 not feel pain that i feel light and i don't want 2 go 2 bed although it's 5am... but i better try 2 go 2 bed or my schedule will be the opposite of everyone around me and i'd like 2 b awake while the sun is shining..since the amount of daylight is so short now. i watched the movie "solaris" tonight 4 the 3rd time. what a beautiful movie. tomorrow i don't know what i'm doing 4 new years. i think jason and i will stay home away from the madness and drink champagne together. but then who knows, maybe something interesting will pop up and we'll go 2 that. i can't believe it's going 2 b 1999!!!! can u ???? it sounds so wild. i remember when i was younger wondering where i'd b by the year 2000 and thinking how old i'd b then..and now it's almost here! and here i am living my life "on cam" ...never would have thought of that! where do u think you'll b a year from now? and where would u LIKE 2 b a year from now? i don't have any new year's resolutions. do u?
looks like the A&E thing is still gonna happen. the assignment went 2 a new person and they contacted me today about it. i'm SO happy about that :) it's a special on sexual fetishes...i don't know if i really fit into that category..i KINDA do( for some people who watch me)..but i don't think that's why the majority of people watch me anymore..although it's perhaps 1/4. i think it was most likely 75% of the reason awhile back...but as i've been nude less often, i don't get a lot of email from people that just talk about sex with me. maybe 1 out of 10 emails is about that. one email the other day was from a guy who had a bald women fetish. i went to his site and followed all his links and was amazed, but not surprised, by how many websites are devoted 2 hair fetishes...and lots about women with no hair, shaven hair, or very short hair cuts. now i'm fascinated by the history of all that...'cause it seems 2 b quite a recent thing...at least in a public way. there are two magazines that deal with the fetish of bald women. one was called "the razor's edge" and one was called "the yankee clipper". i'd like 2 order these magazines, but they're ten bucks a piece. now it's 8:30 in the morning and i haven't gone 2 bed yet! i was sleeping so much when i had that migraine for two days..that now i'm up. it feels good not 2 be laying in bed right now. never thought i'd say that..i love 2 lay in bed!
now i'll b sleeping all day..then 2 wake up for new years..i can't believe it. i have no comprehension of time anymore.
manta rays aren't sting rays are they? i want to go diving so bad. i want to live by the sea! i love sea creatures!!!!!!!! it's almost like a whole other planet down there...when actually, there are more of them ( sea creatures) than there are of "us"...and they make up more of planet than we do...being that the planet is mostly water. feels like i'm missing out! so much i wanna do..so many sea creatures i wanna meet. too bad we can't breather underwater. too bad so many of them can sting us or eat us. but i guess it's only fair since we eat so many of them. i feel torn that i love seafood so much...but when i walk into red lobster i cannot even look at the lobsters...with their claws all tied up and too many of them in the tank. they are so sad and depressed looking. i can't even look at them, it makes me want 2 cry.
i guess i believe it's ok to eat something if it had a natural life where it got 2 b free and wasn't tortured in it'd death or made 2 live in horrible circumstances.
but i'm way off from my goal of never eating anything that wasn't raised to live a happy free life. in fact, even as i type this thing...my mouth is watering for seafood.
augh.
mostly i wasn't thinking anything today except "oh god, how can i make it through another minute of this pain?" i tell u, i do not know how anyone could deal with chronic constant physical pain. the amount of stamina to make it through..the willpower...or whatever it takes..i don't know if i'd have what it takes. if i was in pain like that for the rest of my life, i'd kill myself.
it's true that everything means nothing if u don't have your health. at least, that's how it seems 2 me.
i ask myself what lesson am i trying 2 learn by having these migraines? because i believe we create our own reality and there is a reason behind it all...and somehow your "higher self" knows this reason...because there is a good thing behind everything. at least i'd like 2 think that. maybe it's just wishful bullshit.
but if there is a reason why i've decided that migraines should b some way 2 learn something that i otherwise would not learn...then i'm mystified. perhaps it is like the saying though "shit happens". maybe there is no reason..and that's it's just the luck of the draw. but if it is something i "chose"..then i'd like 2 rechoose, and i'd like to "switch to the reality" where i choose to learn that particular lesson in ajoyful nonpainful way. though pain can be a great impetus to learn, i don't want to belive that it necessary. i want to believe that one can learn the same lessons in a totally fun manner instead. if there are "lessons" to b learned. perhaps there are no lessons. perhaps i fabricated that , too. mostly i like 2 think that the only "lesson" there is just to learn to live in pure/joy/love..in every second ask your self "what would be fun now?"...and then do exactly what u want 2 do..no matter how illogical it may seem. no matter how "unproductive" that may seem...i think that following our joy ultimately gets us on "the right track" and will lead us to the ultimate fulfillment/abundance.
what this has to do with anything i wrote above..i dunno...i'm on a ramble here from subject to subject.
another thing i've been pondering lately is...if we are not the sum of our memories/experiences/accomplishments/creations...then what/who are we?
and another thing i'm pondering is what do u need for proof 2 belive in something? do u need "proof"? and what kind of proof? what makes things more valid? science? intuition? faith? i have so much more 2 say about this...and i hope i have the energy to write about it later more clearly..because i want 2 give examples and b more clear.but now it's 9am and i haven't slept yet. so i hope i write about this later when i have more energy and can think more clearly. sun's coming up in a grey day sort of way. 15 hours left of 1998.
oh, and another thing. i finally saw a furby today! I WANT ONE!!! i can hardly wait til those things go down in price and i can get one ( or ten). i want a whole row of them on my desk!
now i'm very hungry
and i want a big bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon, cream and raisons! but i don't
have anything like that.
ok, i gotta stop typing now and try 2 get 2 bed.
luv and a plethora
of breakfast cereal from the gods,
ana