anagram 12.23.99
1st, here
is a cool site i've found:
and here
are some miscellaneous pictures from the past few days! i am taking pictures
right now of more cool presents i've received! yay! :)))
last night i went to hereandnow.net to see what was up there and i arrived
just as erik was checking up on my cam! so i ftped a picture that said "erik
vidal!" but he didn't see it in time...he saw the picture that said "please
try again". so i called him on the phone and we were having fun waving
at each other :) and i ended up talking to him for maybe 3 hours! and i forgot
it was long dustance. yikes! but we had such a cool intense discussion about
cams and karma and parallel lives and time. it looks like i won't get a stream
from hereandnow as soon as i'd hoped because the company that hereandnow was
going to get their streaming from ended up not being a real company and the
guy who was in charge of that fake company is now in jail for fraud! can u
believe? what a BUMMER! so erik is very drained from that :(
but he is already talking to a new company.
i know this isn't a very christmasy thing to put in here, but i started a big BIG debate about sex and porn and masturbation on the bbs so here are my posts:
Posted by ANA on December 22, 1999 at 23:55:40:
ok, this started because a few women, one one the public anacam forum ( anarchy)
and one in the private ana2 forum ( under the bed )
have stated they are distressed to find their mates hiding porn on their computers
and the women are not knowing what to do. they feel angry, yet they want to
work it out. so many women go through this and ask , " am i making too
huge of a deal?" but inside they are crying and feeling betrayed and
inadeqate and angry. and i believe rightly so. so many women struggle to be
understanding. but we are confused and hurt. *I* am confused and hurt.
so this is the beginning of me trying to write this out. my perspective so
far. part one.
here is my reply to one of the women:
this may seem really unPC to say...
but i say , but i don't think that looking at porn on the sly if it makes
your mate feel shitty is cool at all. i think he should either
1) stop it..because really...if he can't stop doing it then he has a problem,
imo. what are photos worth in comparison to a relationship?
or
2) he should be open about it and let u in on it.
i know that robert, my x boyfriend, loved to look at porn...but he always included me in on it..so he was the only boyfriend i've ever had that i wasn't upset about for looking at porn. he'd always surf with me or he'd call me over when he found something cool. so i rather enjoyed doing that with him. it didn't feel like any sort of threat at all.
i think it's when a person
does it on the sly that one starts feeling paranoid and inadequate. i that
is not good way to feel.( duh )
i wouldn't let him take "porn" photos of u until u had worked this
through and it had been a good year of total trust and love.
so i say he should include
u in on it and be completely open about it and be very kind and loving in
showing u what he likes to look and at why..and maybe u can find some cool
stuff to look at too...
or he should fuck off...
a relationship has to
be built on trust
--------------------------------------------------
and a bunch of women said stuff ( on the private bbs...and one man...so far
)
and this is my reply to that:
ya, i am surprised that u are the only guy so far that has commented. i still don't get the porn thing at all. i mean..i like to look at cool pictures because i like photography. i like a picture on almost any subject if it is done well. i like a good sexy picture if it's done well...that moves me more than just a bad generic photo of a beaver shot. i really wish i GOT what on earth was SO compelling about most porn. and i know that by saying that i am sounding high and mighty and some guys on here are gonna read this and that will make them be even more secretive and ashamed of it perhaps. i don't know! are guys so secretive about it because they KNOW it is incredibly stupid yet they don't know why they are so compelled? or is porn so compelling because there just isn't enough normal nudity in daily life ..so it's the forbidden thing, or what?
i don't know why i have such a hard time understanding it when maybe it is
just a basic instinct encoded into the dna of many men and some women...some
animalistic thing beyond control..like salivating when food is near. i don't
know! i am both disgusted by it and yet jealous of it in a way..because maybe
it is like getting to eat when you are hungry. food is really yummy then.
it's an enjoyable thing. a buffet. maybe it's just this great carnal thing.
i mean, i like to get really animalistic...but when i do..it is not triggered
by the mere photo of a penis. i dunno ...what turns me in is just that certain
something...a look in a persons eye or a mannerism. but more than that..u
know..the personality thing :)
although if a person doesn't
smell right..no matter how great their personality..it wont work for me. so
there is that animal thing again
.
but the right smell on the wrong person doesn't do it either.
i don't know..
.
most porn i've ever seen is about as equally stupid as if someone said "poopie
butt" then laughed. it's just the lowest form of comedy.
and i find it highly disapointing when SO many guys find this sort of thing the BEST thing ever. but then, i admit, i find most people pretty stupid, so i guess it's not surprising there is so much bad porn. i mean, there is so much bad EVERYTHING.
maybe i am so pissed off at porn because deep down inside i wish it were that
beautifully stupidly crass for me to get off maybe.
i certainly wish i could laugh at most of the comedy that's on. i'd like to laugh more. i'd like to have a good gut wrenching laugh every day.
but to sound perfectly arrogant.. have a very specific dry sense of humour and it takes something very specific to get me to laugh a really good side splitter.
it'd be great perhaps to find all comedy funny and every naked woman a big
thrilling turn on.
it'd be great to have pleasure come so easily.
but part of my arrogant self thinks if it were that easy..it's not seem very
special. maybe for guys coming ISN'T special, and that's why a lot of them
can go have sex with people then think it wasn't a big deal. if you are a
guy u are pretty much guaranteed to come during sex ( for the normal average
guy, from my experience anyway )
and when i come at least...during making love with a man, it's a pretty special
thing for me because most men i've had sex with dudn't even TRY to make me
come. and strangely...i thought that was ok.
ok..i'm going down many roads here..each one veering off into another place. maybe in a round about way i'll come full circle.
wait..i started writing about this a few months ago then stopped. let me see
if i still have that on my computer 'cause i know i saved it.
ok...this was going to be a part of anagram 073099
but i never finished it. here is the part i cut out because it was an unfinished thought:
I realized something slowly the last few months. something so secret I never
even knew it was a secret. I finally told jason so now I can tell you. this
is pretty gutteral and twisted. when I was younger I never imagined anything
to try to come. if I masturbated there were no images behind it. it just felt
good. it was a warm white haze. nothing more. then as my sexual experiences
became more twisted. guys just fucking me. taking it out in me. I became disgusted
with that selfishness I experienced while being fucked. and this fucked with
my mind. I couldn’t see the letting go as anything more than pure greed.
but in my heart I knew this was not the way it should be. I knew it was supposed
to be a beautiful thing in my heart. but I couldn’t see it manifested
ever. it was last summer when the first realization over how twisted I’d
become hit me. as I convinced my self that having an orgasm during sex was
not important. because I couldn’t bear to ever be in any way similar
to the men who had focused solely on their orgasm, I began to con myself into
thinking that I would never be like them. orgasms would not be important to
me. so if I didn’t have an orgasm during sex, and I felt that empty unfulfilled
filling inside,…I would not see that it was because I had not had an
orgasm..i would try 2 figure out what else it could be. like perhaps I was
not spiritually advanced enough to be able to take that energy that shot up
my spine when the guy would come into me and transform it into something other
than nervous energy stuck inside of me. I thought I should just be honoured
and happy that we had “"shared"” the experience of his
orgasm together. “"shared"”…ya right.
it’s amazing the things u can trick yourself into thinking. I didn’t
want 2 admit that I needed 2 come 2. that it was damn important for me 2 come.
and that by wanting that..it didn’t make me into a selfish pig like “"they"”
were. it didn’t make me wrong or evil ---------
ok, ya...that fits into this conversation.
ok...i think i wouldn't
mind porn so much if it weren't fot the fact that most of my sexual experience
has sucked because most of the men i've had sex with were selfish pigs. completely
onesided. it's just them getting off inside me. it's not shared. i am merely
the vessel or vehicle for them to come in, on, by.
so i cannot get very excited or supportive of men jacking off to porn because
i don't see this as anything that will help ME in having a better sexual experience.
i can mostly only seeing it as furthering their selfishness in their desire
to come in the easiest most selfish way possible. i don't see it as liberating
anyone because for men, it's not liberating...it's about as common as taking
a shit. i guess taking a shit is a liberating act..but not in the larger scheme
of love/psychology/spirituality/evolvement.
certainly it's great to eat when you're hungry etc.
but i guess i see porn as mostly perpetuating selfish sexual gluttony.
and indeed, if it IS that easy, fun..etc to come..why WOULD you want to stop?
it's a tough thing to talk about because i can see the joy in it for men.
( i am just going to be generalizing here in this...when i say MEN, i mean
most men...from my experience...and i've heard that women can be this way
too..i've just never experienced that..i've only heard about it )
i mean, i don't want to be selfish and say men should stop doing a really
fun thing.
but it's gotten to the point where men are OBESE with this "twinky-ding-
dong-ho-ho" ( no pun intended) JUNK food way of orgasming. and it's just
TOO easy to go have a fast wank instead of actually eating a bit better for
the WHOLISTIC view of the whole body/world/gender/love/thing
and i think women need a bit of this junk food TOO. not JUNK food really,
but damn , we need, *I* need to "claim" some of this as mine as
well.
fuck, i'd really LIKE to come as a guy a bit too. i'd like to know the glory
of it.
yet, because i have been so much of a garbage dump for the wrappers of this
quick fix twinky eating orgasm shit...i feel beyond repulsed by even THINKING
that i could even WANT to be a selfish pig like a lot of these men have been
to me.
ya, there is alot of anger
in me about this. there is a lot in here that will turn men away and not want
to hear this. they will immmediately shut it out as "man hating"
etc.
and ..ya..i will admit i DO have a bit of man hating in me. but i think it's
a completely normal response fopr what i've been through and i'm not going
to beat myself over the head or guilt myself out about it. i'm just going
to accept the fact that i'm angry and this is normal and i'm going to work
it through. i don't want to go ballistic and turn the swing the other way
around and have women rule the earth or whatever. and i certainly can understand
men wanting to cower in shame and get an even bigger complex about sex because
i'm saying this. and that is why this is so hard to work through or "control"
because the pendulum has swung so far out of balance there is SO much guilt
and shame from both sides about this.
i don't want men to all stop masturbating to porn and go sit in the sorry
room.
but whatever it takes for them to acheive a more wholistic view and a more
balanced "sex outlook' would be cool. i don't know how they are gonna
work it out or what 'cause i'm not a guy so i don't know, but i can sort of
imagine it, i think.
certainly the "answer" is not to stop masturbating to porn.
i think perhaps one of the ways to get this more healed is for men to just
share with their partners their porn experiences.
but this is difficult because most porn is just highly ridiculous with women's
bodies just not even remotely close to how most women's bodies are.
if your lover is a man who is masturbating to two blonde chicks with huge
fake tits and you're a fat woman with dark hair...i think it' natural you're
going to feel totally bummed out because yo can never achieve that "look".
i am lucky, in a twisted way, that i am the bleached blonde woman with the
huge fake tits that perhaps your husband is masturbating to because it allows
me to watch this strange phenomenon from an unusual viewpoint.
----------
ok more on this later....
i think this will take me a long time to write. and it's very long and involved.
and i want to write more about how i am "reclaiming" being able
to
just have a a "selfish orgasm"
and how i was at first repulsed by r. crumb's cartoon of the headless woman
tha was just for fucking..then i realized why a person would
fantasize about this and how i sort of do that and why i can understand why
i guy
would just like to have an "easy orgasm" without having to deal
with all of this sexual poilitics sharing stuff...and how *I* would like that
too.
and how i am trying top achieve a balance.
----------
In Reply to: porn/men/trust/xmas/ana posted by zuul on December 23, 1999 at 11:02:16: i have lots to say to thta. but all i want to ask right now is: what is it about pregnant women u find sexually stimulating? i have never understood that fetish. i would be really interested to know about that
----------
Posted by ANA on December 23, 1999 at 12:20:41:
In Reply
to: Re: porn/men/trust/xmas/ana/pregnant posted by zuul on December 23, 1999
at 12:06:13:
what does a picture of a pregnant woman "imply" to u?
and u wrote:
like I'm not out crusing for pregnant chick and in fact the idea of having
sex with pregnant lady is kind of revolting so my erotic interest does carry
over to a "perversion" it's more that I'm arroused by it...
ok, u are aroused by it...yet
u find it revolting
is that a contradiction?
i'm not saying u are perverted. i don't think that getting aroused by the
site of a pregnant woman, in and of itself, it perverse.
what is "perversion" to u?
----------
Posted by ANA on December 23, 1999 at 12:43:14:
ok, i have lots to say
about all the posts in here about porn today. i will type out my thoughts
when i've thought a bit longer on it all.
but i have another question right now.
first off, men..consider that most women have been brought up to "save
themselves" for their #1 man.
so when we are saving "all of our sexuality" for "you"
but then "you" go and have another secret/not secret OTHER sexual
experience beynd the realm of "our love" , "we" ( women)
are confused.
i am generalizing here. insert all the correct terminology "some men"
"some women"
women are supposed to just turn the other way and not mind that there is this totally separate sexual experience going on that we, most likely, will never be a part of.
but then, on the other hand...we women, should cover ourselves up and not be the least bit sexual if it isn't for our #1 man. in fact, we should wait until we are married to even have sex!
i still get lots of emails from men saying that they don't understand how jason "lets me" be nude on the cam. and i get emails from women saying they would be nude on cam more, or would "do that" , if only their men would "let them"
so, if u men are going
to be so cavelier about masturbating to pictures of women we most likely will
never look like, act like, or be...
and we should just deal wit it because it's no big deal. it's something that
has nothing to do with us, then i suggest u ask yourself if u are willing
to "give" the same freedom to your woman.
how would u feel if u KNEW that every day your woman was masturbating wildly to pictures of hunky men that were the opposite from u physically? but she just kept saying that that was not important it was really YOU that she loved and YOU that turned her on. yet she still had this NEED to masturbate to hunky men that were something u could never be.
are u willing to let her
go out and have her "extra" not important sex life that is totally
nothing to do with u?
are u willing to let her go out and seek that "thing" you do not
understand that fulfills her "other" sexual side?
are u willing to let go
of owning her sexuality?
are u willing to let your wife be a stripper or something?
are u willing to let her
look at movies of gorgeous men before you two have sex in order for her to
get in the mood to have sex with you?
are u willing to let her shut the door and start whacking off to things u
will never be nor understand?
are u gonna let the women around u be nude and wear short mini skirts if they want to and not call them "sluts" or "loose" or "whores" or whatever?
or are u just taking for granted that your little woman is home quietly patiently waiting for you to come back from your other sexual side she has nothing to do with?
because i think it should swing both ways
--------
Posted by ANA on December 23, 1999 at 14:02:46:
In Reply
to: Re: double standard? posted by herdingcats on December 23, 1999 at 13:41:04:
u wrote:
You cast women in the role that you think men are doing, and expect men to
be shocked ( and perhaps, a bit more understanding of what women think ).
----
i don't understand that sentence, can u clarify?
as for the other question..i
think i have already answered that. i find it revolting because i have been
been nothing more than a thing to come on/in/by for too many men.
yet...i envy that too because i would like to just have an orgasm with another
person in a purely selfish way as they have with me.
i don't want to be a PIG about it, but it'd be nice to just be able to come
and not even WONDER if the other person had come , then roll over and fall
asleep. but that would be being a pig...so...
i guess it's the stupidity is bliss thing. these guys , it doesn't even OCCUR to them that they are pigs. the are just gluttonous in a blissful way, it seems.
i don't wish to be that, but i'd like SOME of that. i'd like an easy orgasm sometimes from a guy. i'd like him to put himself into a bunch of positions that are uncomfortable just to satisfy my itch. i guess i'd like him to know what it feels like to me a woman. just totally giving of herself and opening up her body..sometimes in uncomfortable ways, to occomodate him..because she LOVES him and does this GLADLY because she likes to see him so happy.
i've been too selfless too many times and not selfish enough. i think i've been too giving and pleasing and not demanding enough of what i want and need. i think i have definitely let some men walk all over me in my attempts to gain their love.
i do not want the things in the same WAY as a man. but i DO want to learn from him to be more selfish when it comes to sex. because i think i do not have balance there as much as i'd like.
i don't want to be a pig...i just want to gain control over my own sexuality. and i think i have done that to a large degree already.
i don't know if i said that exactly right..i'm working this out outloud right now...so anything i've written here i could redefine and change any second. i'm just being perfectly frank about my feelings right now
---------
someone asked me: Is your search for control of your own sexuality really an expression of dominance vs submissiveness?
Posted by ANA on December 23, 1999 at 14:44:54:
In Reply
to: Re: double standard? posted by herdingcats on December 23, 1999 at 14:23:02:
ummm. no :)
but i do like to explore that as well :)
but, i'd bet you'd be surprised to find that i actually prefer to be submissive
when it comes to sex. but i will take the dominant role if need be, and i
enjoy that, too.
i really enjoy being both.
i mean submissive in a very spiritual letting go trust kind of way.
that's an entirely different vastly huge topic!
i like to see dominance in sex, in the way i am thinking of it, as being a spiritual guide. and the submissive is the guided..into the spiritual journey. i just haven't found very men to be competent as guides. so i end up taking that role instead. but when i am being a guide..i am doing it in hopes they will learn to guide so i can let go and go on a journey with them as a guide.
i think to be a competent dominant or submissive..one has to have the ability to be both and the understanding of both.
i am not talking about
power OVER, here.
i have no desire to have power OVER anyone..nor for anyone to have power OVER
me. it's not about force, it's about trust and going on a spiritual journey.
bondage...like going into a sweat lodge..a religious rite. to have someone that u trust that much, to take u THERE...
i'm not into spanking as a "oh, i've been so naughty" thing, but as a thing like biting someones neck and feeling that cool rush of endorphins. like tobasco with your food :)
i am not into anything "naught" or degrading. i'm not into "punishment"
but i think it would be very fun and sexy to be completely taken care of like a little kitty.
i think it's would be
fun to have a cage with velvet pillows and to be lead around on a collar and
fed bowls of cream :)
to feel that trust the same way an innocent cat feels. just melting into the
arms of it's "owner"
it's a precious thing.
i'll tell u one fantasy
i have..and that is to be lead into an expensive restaurant with a rhinestine
collar, and then for my lover to order me a bowl of cream. and then i would
drink that very gracefully in front of everyone. i think that would be the
ultimate testament to show that i love that person.
like when people get married and announce there official love for each other.
to drink a bowl of cream in public would be my way of saying "this is my lover, i trust this person with my life. it doesn't matter what any of u think. i am completely at peace and well taken care of" :)
i hope that makes sense to someone :)
--------
Posted by ANA on December 23, 1999 at 14:08:14:
In Reply
to: Re: double standard? posted by ANA on December 23, 1999 at 14:02:46:
ok...already i need to clarify...i do not wish to put men into uncomfortable
sex positions...it would be just cool if they did it ANYWAY without even telling
me that it's uncomfortable because they love to see me happy.
( this is aimed at men from my past )
perhaps they HAVE and didn't say it. but i really highly doubt it
-------
Posted by ANA on December 23, 1999 at 15:12:20:
In Reply
to: ana/sex/sexuality/insecurity/orgasams posted by zuul on December 23, 1999
at 14:26:28:
ummm, no! lol, it's NOT my fault that the guys i was with were assholes. in
fact, a lot of them were a decade older than i was...so if anyone had any
responsibility i think it should be them to not have taken advantage of me
innocence and my kindness and willing to please.
heck, i have been young and innocent and not knowing what to do but have i
once EVER been an asshole to a guy about sex ? no!
i did not fuck a guy in the ass and keep going after he told me to stop and that it hurt.
i did not come in a guy's mouth after he told me to please not come in his mouth.
these are men that in the beginning were nice. i trusted them. i loved them. some of them were good lovers in the beginning. kind.."sensitive"..."feminists" men who said they had so many women friends cause they were so female like themselves. sheep in wolves clothing.
then months later into the relationship, that's when their true selves came out. they showed their best side to me at first...then after they had me "hooked" with "love" they used me and pouted and sulked at me if they did not get sex when they wanted it..on demand. these were people who held me and promised me that they would never hurt me...that sex was good for the first months..hours..then wham..once it gets heavier into it...they just used me.
how is that my fault?
is it my fault that these men were so kind in the beginning telling me all
i wanted to hear, cherishing me more than i'd ever known...only to later threaten
to kill me and stalk me and punch me and try to strangle me and throw knives
at me?
is it my fault? am i going to just say that "boys will be boys" and they were simply young and immature? fuck no.
ya, i have had bad luck. but it's funny, almost every woman i know has had bad luck and has been sexually assaulted. more women are killed by domestic violence more than any other way.
i wonder why that is.
bad luck?
i don't think so. i think this world is REALLY screwed up. i think most men
ARE fuct to put it brutally honestly. and i have said in all my writings here
that i do not mean ALL men.
but i wil say in general that i do think most men are really really screwy.
i think a lot of women are , too. jus in different ways.
but i'm not talking about the ways that women are screwed up. that is a different
topic...yet it is related.
i think the human body
is beautiful, too. i love to look at naked people. i think it's fascinating.
but i've never jacked off to a picture of one. i've never sought out sexually
stimulating things in order to jack off "to" it.
i'm not saying that's a bad thing. i'm saying i don't understand it.
of course there are varying degrees to all of this. to some men it's just
a pretty fun thing. to some men it's a violent degrading act.
of course there are women that do this too.
but i'm not talking about that.
ya, i am "hung up" about sex. look around u. why WOULDN'T i be? i AM a sexual object! hello!?
the world is hung up on sex. i can't even go out at night or even to half
of the world because if i did i could be raped. and that's not just a small
possibilty. that is my reality. fuck..i was even home alone in my pajamas
writing a song in peace, living with my mother in a good neighbourhood and
some guy i didn't even know busted THROUGH my door like in the shining and
sexually asssaulted me and was going to rape me at knife point if a divine
intervention from god didn't happen, or whatever it was that saved me.
bad luck? bad luck to be a woman i guess then, huh? my fault? i don't think so.
so i'm contributing to
this somehow by being naked and pretty and saying "yes, i am a sexual
person"? i am contributing to sexual violence?
i don't THINK so, buddy.
i didn't "ask for it"
the woman in afghanistan
who was stoned to death for accidentally showing her elbow why driving her
car didn't "ask for it either"
bad luck, huh?
the men i have had sex with weren't grunting animals right away. they showed great sensitivity AT FIRST. so what..i am a mind reader and should know it was all a con?
do u think these men are innocent? how innocent is that to put on such a con game for months?
fuck that shit. no way.
i get what i deserve huh? wow.
wake up.
-------
Posted by ANA on December 23, 1999 at 05:00:46:
In Reply
to: Re: sex and porn part 1 posted by astroboy on December 23, 1999 at 04:28:01:
well...i do think that there is QUITE a lot of porn out there that does more
harm than good, actually. one reason is most of the porn i've seen is just
so highly unrealistic that it would feel good for the woman. those men in
those porn movies ( that's i've seen ) are THEE worst lovers ever. it's pathetic.
and i DO think that a lot of guys see those tapes as a sort of training course
in how to have sex. and that's too bad...at least for me 'cause that is NOT
the kind of sex i want.
it's just pound pound pound away. no kissing, etc.
yuck and OUCH!
but my point wasn't really that porn is bad and turning men into having junk food orgasms..( although, as i just said now..i think a lot of it IS damaging )..but my point is that i think men have gotten rather lazy and accustomed to having these easy junk food orgasms and i think a lot of them are getting rather obese with it. unhealthy. not balanced.
ya...now that i think of it..maybe it IS th eporn a lot..'cause most of it caters to the pound pound pound aspect of sex and the come come come money shot and has very little to do with pleasing the woman or any kind of sharing or love. it's just totally spiritually/psychological ( and physically! ) void.
i think both women AND men are getting ripped off by watching the bad stuff. i think it's teaching men the wrong things. it's not teaching them anything wholistic or balanced. it's just junk food. like a lot of the stuff in our society is.
i think there is a time
and a place for junk food. i like doritos just as much as anyone.
but too much junk food just leads to sickness. and i think that is the case
here.