anagram 122000

Saturday, December 16th, 2000

6:36p it's been snowing here all day.
i watched an excellent movie on IFC called "cruise" :)
and i made a new anagram

i don't know what i'll do for the rest of the night

9:11p 42 NEW ANAPIX UP !!! :)

Sunday, December 17th, 2000

1:39p i'm making anamates today and updating the whole anamate section.
jason and are are rewatching the 1st tape on technical remote viewing
last night i stayed up until 5am making pages on ana2 and anacam prettier and fixing links.
it's sunny today and 6 degrees. the dogs are sunbathing, their little tongues panting and curling like tulip petals.
my dad sent me a poinseta yesterday, it's beautiful and by the couch.

i'm already starting to make another mess around me desk

Monday, December 18th, 2000

1:00p it's snowing here like crazy and jason's car was sliding all over while he was trying 2 get 2 work so he came home and now he is working from home.
i've been talking to stacy (www.atomcam.com) and then lisa from hereandnow.net called me during my conversatin with stacy, lisa had a question that stacy could answer better than i could. so stacy called lisa and then stacy's gonna call me back, and then after my conversation with stacy i'm gonna call lisa! lol :)
and i'm not much of a phone person so it's funny that it's such a phone day today for me

the snow isn't big flakes, it's little...so the snow makes it look like it's foggy outside

everything's quiet here except for the big annoying hum from the heater thing.

Tuesday, December 19th, 2000

11:28a icky. i had terrible nightmares all night long about x boyfriends trying 2 kill me.
i'm trying 2 shake it out of my mind.

it's sunny today, so that will help me get going

i have a lot 2 type but i'm still not awake enough 2 type it.

12:27p i have my cd player on random and i'm making mac and cheese, then after i eat it, i'll stretch. i'm doing stuff like unloading the dishwasher. i'm so glad it's sunny today..i wish i could go for a walk for it's only 8 degrees out. i miss summer. i'd love to go outside and take polaroids. maybe i'll dress up like an eskimo and do it anyway

1:22p i've discovered that putting eggs in mac and cheese is yummy.

despite that, and despite it's sunny and i'm awake
i am at a loss over what i want 2 do today and it's making me feel discontent.

maybe it's because i'm almost getting my period and i'm bloated, maybe it's that getting my taxes done is looming over me. i want 2 snap my fingers and have everything organized

i've been reading a lot about narcissism lately since that word comes up a lot in my life.
i can see why people who don't know me well could think i could be a narcissist, ther are a few things that fit me...like i DO think i'm special and i DO have grand plans :)
and to me, that is a good and joyful thing. everyone is special and nothing wrong with having a dream or a goal. i suppose to be a narcissist you have to think u are perhaps darth vader out to conquer everything. hmmm.
i know for a fcat that i do not lack empathy nor can i not see other points of view but my own. and i don't have a NEED for attention...altho it would appear that i do..but i can't reallly prove that 2 u since i have a cam on me 24/7 LOL :)
my need is more like a need to communicate and to show people things that i think are interesting. like show and tell. like telling people what great new book u got so they can read it too.
and i don't have low self esteem at all. of course everyone has had bouts of low self esteem at one point or another. i'm not immune to it.
but i do think i'm pretty dandy and why should i hate myself? do i don't :)

the more i read on the net about narcissism, the more complex it becomes...as a person could have a variety of disorders combining with each other..all to various degrees.

like u could have narcissistic perfectionistic with agression disorder thrown in for good complex puzzle of a human being.

as i read what all these disorders are..i can arttribute many of these characteristics, not only in myself, but in many of the people i've known , and my family.

but no one fits the EXACT mode. everyone is an individual. u just simply cannot classify a human so easily and put it in a box.

i read this:
http://www.allhealth.com/health/followup/print/0,4197,301_446,00.html

and then there is a TON, and i mean LOTS of links
about it here that i've been slowly perusing through in the dead of night:

http://directory.netscape.com/Health/Mental_Health/Disorders/Narcissistic

i am suspecting that perhaps my mom is somewhat of a narcissist since she simply cannot see anything from my point of view. but she doesn't lack TOTAL empathy..
it's complex and i've barel;y even begun unraveling it.
even my dad, so kind and good....it's tricky.

so...
i'm destructing and reconstructing possibilities or something trying to come up with the WHY of it ALL

and so when u see me sitting on the couch just staring..or at the computer just staring..it's because i am thinking about all of this and about ten other billion things very intensely

th dogs are laying on the couch in the sun upside down.
in my next life, i want to be a japanese chin. i can see why they were worshipped as gods in temples in the east. they are so zen.

4:06p ok, i'm definitely sick of thinking about that and taking personality tests.
ack!! what i found is is that i already knew all that :)

watching oprah
i'm starting to feel motivated to clean...but i don't know if that motivation will flourish and bloom :)

6:44p golden goats? :)
i'm so excited that people are getting their unvalentines and liking them :)
i bleached my hair again and it's FRIED...kinda like fake fur hair now, which i like :)
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my friends stacy is doing a VERY cool project about journals that u can be a part of! here is what she says:

Hello. My name is Stacy Pershall, and I'm an artist in New York City, in the USA. I have a website at http://www.atomcam.com. The first recipients of this email will know that already. But if you read on, you'll see why I'm telling you this.

I have an idea for an art piece that can only work if I have a great deal of participation from around the world. I realize this is a grand scheme, but the idea is really very simple. I'm asking that everyone who reads this email consider donating one of your personal diaries, from any time in your life, to a library of diaries to exist in real-world space.

My dream for this project is that if I have the diaries, I will find the support to open a library here in New York. This may happen quickly and it may happen a year from now or five years from now. I plan to keep collecting and working on the project until it becomes a reality. Diary Project progress would be documented on atomcam.

I have a wide definition of what "diary" means, and though I want original copies for this piece, I would photocopy and bind your diary and return the copy to you. I would ask that you include return postage with your submission, but if you are unable to afford return postage -- or even initial postage -- please contact me anyway if you want to participate in the piece.

The last thing I ask (and I know this is obnoxious, but please consider it) is that you forward this email to everyone you know.

Thank you so much for taking the time to participate even by reading this email. My contact information is below.

Sincerely,

Stacy Pershall
328 Flatbush Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11238
stacy@atomcam.com

8:00p ohimog! and i totally forget 2 tell u that last night i went 2 see the movie "dancer in the dark" starring bjork and catherine deneuve and i was TOTALLY blown away by it. if u can find a place that's showing it...GO!

Wednesday, December 20th, 2000

2:32p i am watching a movie called illuminata
i don't get it so far..but it's a pretty movie and totally weird..so i like it :)

the dogs are eating garlic bread.
jason ordered a pizza and they got it all wrong so he went back 2 get the right one and then he goes 2 work and then he goes 2 piano lessons.

i am sich again ( yes, again )
i am connecting my sickness to what i read ( and the stress of the holidays and the stress with my mother!)
i've been taking on too much hate/fear energy from reading the jennicam newsgroup and bbs....trying 2 understand why people are so hateful. i have come up with no answer at all except they must be addicted to hate..it makes them feel alive and full of energy...makes their lives feel more real and full of drama and a sense of comraderie with other haters. they don't feel so alone in their hatefulness.
but what else is new? don't i realize that simple fact every minute?

now someone is on there with my name and pretending to be me :(

i know they will take this entry right here and post it in the newsgroup then rip me apart again.

i know i can get sucked into it too in my way where i try to explain and make things that were misunderstood more clear. but i know it's futile.

i have gotten in this state before...to live to REACT instead of to living to BE or take action in a way that is not reactionary.
i know what it feels like to scour the bbs' looking for a drama to get me through the day, to ponder, to observe. to face the demons i fear. the fear of being misunderstood.

that's why i started my cam..was to try to break setreotypes and show myself more clearly so i would be less misunderstood. so there might be less judgement for everyone.

and it worked in that i now DO have more people that understand me and understand themselves...but i have also more people that misconstrue it all...and there is nothing i can do about it.

no amount of explaining can do anything. and i guess that is one of my biggest things i have to let go of...that i am contantly battling to let go of every day...i just want things to be clear and understood. i want to shed light upon things unknown and turn things known upside down to be seen in another way.

you do the same with me...as people judge me this way or that way...i try to see things from their point of view...what is that about...how did they get 'there" in life that they have arrived at this mindset whether positive or negative.

so when i soak it in to understand it ( the negative posts, not the positiive nes..which make me WELL!) , i am more apt 2 get ill...words do have power. it is a strange thing i want to understand.

anyway....i'm writing this because i woke up feeling just awful..read some more negative things...and then i went into my bbs in ana2.com called under the bed, and read such wonderful yumminess that my whole body felt like it was opening and letting all the dust out...ooooo...and that totally ties in with the dream i had last night...which is too long to type right now.

and the many wonderful posts to me in this livejournal that i wish to post to everyone and throw big gigantic happy things at them to play with forever :)

i know i have said this a bunch of times in my livejournal for the last month....but i'm saying it again...TO ME....that i know i could use all the energy i use in trying to make people understand things they don't want to understand could be used to be more creative and to have more yummy conversations with joyful people, and let that fill me with light. i have to let go of this negativity so i can let the light back in.

not like i am totally without light..i'm just a bit clogged.

it's been harder for me to make journal entries lately, knowing that someone will post it somewhere else and take this all out of context and rip me apart.
but i have 2 be true and write how it is, what i am going through.

like right now i'm sick..yes AGAIN. and i just know SOMEBODIES gonna rag on me because of it telling me that i am so stupid and maybe if i got out of the house once in awhile, or stopped taking my medication and quit whining that i'm sick or whatever...then i'd be ok..or something.
i know it's gonna happen. i HOPE it doesn't happen. but they can't resist.

i know that by typing this i am giving them more "fodder' as they love to call it.
so here..take it. take it all out of context. whatever. nothing i can do about it. i can't pretend u don't exist. but i can move my focus somewhere else...and i'll admit..it's hard...because i am a very curious person. and now they'll say that i can resist reading it because i love reading about myself and it feeeds my sick ego.

what can i do?

i WANT to explain myself to be clear! and look..here i am doing it again...

it's a really odd thing..this cam thing. and i have 2 remember that those who read this are NOT the entire world but just a small percentage. it just seems like the whole world because the negativity overpowers the positivity for me, sometimes.
and i'm so frustrated that i can't break out of that pattern. i need to let go.

and this goes very deep through all of my life...the fear of being misunderstood.

that's why i love yoko and courtney love so much...they just go on doing what they want to do with no explanantion or apologies. they are a beacon of strength to me
to just MOVE FORWARDand BE who i am and write whatever i want to write despite it all.

so many wonderful people here that i just want to hug..but i can't..so i say nothing..because my words seem so stupid when typed in here to say how much it means to me and how thankful i am to those who give me such yummy energy and i RECEIVE it yet do not respond in words. i just don't know what to say except THANK YOU!!!! but if i wrote that to every post...wouldn't it start to look like it was becoming meaningless and repititous? i mean i'd MEAN every "thank you" and every bracket hug {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}} but it just falls so short....

i'll figure something out. my oh my. forgive me, my friends, who i do not slather with a joyful bubblebath of words of thankfulness and thankfulness that u are HERE and that u CARE about EVERYTHING. i love it. i love those who continue to shine light to me despite that someone will probably come along and tell them to stop kissing my ass.
and then when i say something in return, it is also belittled as " i only talk to those who kiss my ass"

do u know what i mean?

i hope this makes sense. this is some of how i feel.
i feel happy. happy for my friends that i've made happy, and happy that i have also made me happy.
and let's just keep that energy spiralling all over, k?

cause i get it
and u get it
and that's what matters most to me
just that u exist and u understand.
u see me clearly
and i see u clearly
it is priceless to me

aaaaaaaaa, how can i explain it?
do u know what i mean?

LOL ;)

i'm off to watch the happy movie somemore and expand my kite to get the dust off of it ( something i did in my dream last night as i met the devil whose name was "lash"
LASH!
ha!
NOW i get it!

it's cool and mysterious that just by typing out your dreams u can see the meanings more clearly then if u say them outloud.

i was trying to make friends with the devil..i didn't know he was the devil at first. he was really funny and charming and i thought very kind and helpful. then i saw myself getting "in debt" to him in very small ways...sucked in. denying that i was heading for complete entrapment.

anyway..the devil came to my house with my parents where he changed his name to "glary glash" and started looking more and more like the devil. i think i found my old kite there..or else i had it with me...and i opened it into the sky.,..it was white and intricate..but made of solid material like cotton.
loads of dust extricated itself from the kite and i felt this wonderful sense of freedom...but it didn't last as i turned my attention again to the devil to show him around in my house.

it really far more intricate than that...it's a fricken novel if i went into all the detail.

but i get the meaning of it now

when i read those posts under the bed today my kite opened and all the dust fell out and i had forgotten that feeling of pure love, acceptance, things being "right" and OK" and SAFE!

but i turn my attention back to the devil as i write in here.
hopefully this will be the last of it.
and i will move my focus back ito kite making :)

and it's snowing out :)

and lastly let me make it clear that i am not writing this to get replies, support, advice , or comments. that is how it always is unless i ask a question. this is simply my journal and it documents for ME what i was doing or feeling today so that i might look back upon it someday and gather more insight into my life journey.

i leave the option for comments because i wonder how what i write, affects u...which is for me then, is a documentation of my "surroundings" at this time and the current "vibes" and what the general feeling was at this time to things that i write..which then, to me, can help me understand myself better and society.

i leave my journal entries open for discussion for those who WANT to discuss it for some reason. if u WANT to say something rotten to me or something positive to me or whatever, then that is because YOU wanted to say it for some reason. i am not making u be compelled to reply.

but of course the replies affect me , and i realize that is my choice.
i am interested in how i affect u and how u affect me.
because i can only start there to understand the world.