anagram 12.18.99

all the above little tiny pictures i took from another site as i was surfing around www.futura2000.com 'cause spiral told me about it. i know i shouldn't take other pictures off other people's sites, but i'm pretty sure they didn't make these pictures but got them out of biology books...so go see futura2000, i can't exactly make out what it is, but it is fun :)
and here is a picture i found while surfing the links at vera little's site. i found it on one of those amputee devotee sites. i wish i could give the photographer the proper credit, but they guy who's site i got this off doesn't know either. it was one of those hastily put together xoom sites.

the whole amputee fetish thing is one of the most "out there" fetishes i can think of! i found a bbs for people with this fetish and they call themselves "devotees" and there are people who pretend to be amuputated and they call themselves "wannabes" or "pretenders". there was this woman on the bbs who actually PLANS to have her legs amputated because she wants false legs and hooks so badly. many men replied to her very excitedly. i have mixed reactions about this. i just don't know what to think. i guess i find it fascinating. i'd like to know why this happens. i do not have an amputee fetish, but i do have an android fetish, so in a way...these two coincide in that the artificial limbs are very "future" and "cyber" and robotic. so i think they look really cool. however, i do not wish for my limbs to be gone. although, i always pretend that in the future i will have a really cool cyber arm that will have secret drawers in it filled with glitter and weapons. but then i think..if i get to have a cyber arm..that means at one point i will have to have had my arm amputated for some reason, and i don't like that idea. but i still want a cyber arm anyway. one that can crush steel but be very beautiful and delicate in design.

i know that in one of my "future" lives i do become 1/2 android in order to be undercover and infiltrate a goverment system to gain information to help destroy it. now u can say this is just a dream. but one of my past boyfriends ( the evil vampire one ) had the same dream as i , but from a different perspective. my dream was that i go under surgery to become mostly android. i go infiltrate the system and i leave my human lover behind who is also fighting for this cause. later on there is a small battle out in the desert in the outskirts of the government complex.i am shot and fall to the ground and the sand from the desert starts to cober my body and face as the wind whips around me. i see my lover in the distance crying at my death. but i am not dead. i just can't move. i appear dead. and the sand starts to cover my android face. i try to reach him telepathically, " i'm alive i'm alive!" but he just looks at me sorrowfully and he turns and walks away thinking i'm dead. frustrating to say the least. who knows for how long i survive covered by the desert sand. anyway...so i told this to my boyfriend at the time..and he was in complete shock! he said he had had the exact same dream..except he was the lover...watching the sand cover my face..and he thought i was dead! and so i got to tell him in this life" i wasn't dead! i was ALIVE!" and we were totally freaked. very romantic to find your lover after all that time..to bad he was an asshole and i had to get a restraining order on him later on. whatever.

so ya..i have a thing for androids. one of my favourite songs ( and that i plan to cover someday ) is "i want to be a machine" by ultravox. it's on their first self titled album. maybe i have a thing for androids because later on..in this "future" time, i'll be one ( well, i am one now...since all time is now ). or maybe i became an android because i had a thing for androids. either way...there u have it :)

so i can understand a persons fascination with combining flesh with metal. i mean, i want metal horns drilled into my head someday! i loved when i had my nipples pierced. it was the sexiest thing ever. too bad i had to take them out 'cause they would never heal. but this is STILL way different than when a person loses their limbs in an accident. it's not really an aesthetic choice! but one can still learn to appreciate that and have fun with it. to construct something from that deconstruction. to reinvent and redefine yourself. still, i don't know if u could ever have it be a truly happy thing. because the reason it happened was not happy. and u can't divorce that fact. so i feel odd when i came across a picture of a woman with hooks for hands on a website dedicated to hook fetishists. this woman had been raped then mutilated by a "non-devotee" ( they said it like that to make sure everyone knew the devotees wouldn't go that far in their quest for amputation , i guess ). so here was this woman...standing there looking quite angry and sad. and she's on a page where people are remarking how lovely she looks with her cool hooks. so, it's nice people can find that attractive, i suppose. but what a mind fuck for the poor woman. here she was..raped and mutilated. and now she is a sex object because of her mutilation. does she even know she is on a webpage about that? the irony of it...it is very confusing to say the least. and what of the "devotees" who "get" their coveted amuptee lover? do they trade stories with other devotees? are their some amputations that are more coveted than others? does one devotee say to the other devotee.."hey my woman has 3 THREE large amputations whereas your woman has only her fingers missing on one hand!" vera told me that people DO ask he how LONG her stumps are. is it better to have long stumps or short stumps?

if ended up with any kind of amputation in the future..i just don't know how i'd feel about that. i guess i'd like to have a lover who thought the amputation was a plus rather than a minus. but i'd feel weird about it too. what a strange thing to experience. i suppose a lot would depend on why my amputation happened. if it was because of rape, i doubt i'd want to be around any men ever again. ( this is all in theory , supposing i wasn't with jason ). but if my arm was amputated because of severe frostbite from climbing mount everest...i wouldn't attach any violent memories with my amputation and therefore i'd be more open to "devotees". i definitely would come up with cool robotic features. like vera told me she wants a hook with mother of pearl inlay. i wonder if there are any things like this on sale at ebay? i'll bet there is. not hooks with mother of pearl inlay...but an assortment of plastic or metal arms and legs. i'll bet there is. i should look.

i was also wondering if there were journals sold on ebay. like when their is an estate sale and someone comes across a journal or a pile of personal letters. i would like stuff like that. there is that site www.opendiary.com, but it's just so much cooler if u happen to find one in a secret way, or if it's hand written, imo.

ok back to amputee stuff:

i want to know more.if anyone reads this who has any insight, please write me! it appears this is a fetish for men mostly ( surprise surprise ) . i'm sure their are women into it..somewhere. but i didn't run across that on the net yet. so if a devote finds an amputated woman..what does he then do? does he find sexual satisfaction in looking at the amputation? are they looking for someone helpless? or alien? do they feel that this woman will be less likely to leave them because who else would love her? do they find the smoothness of no arms sensual? i mean, i admit, it's interesting to look at. but i like to look at all kind of interesting things. and i'm not seeking out amputees for a sexual thrill. not that they can't be sexy. heck, i think anyone can be very sexy. i think confidence and a person's mind and personality is what i find very sexy. did u ever see that movie called "crash"? roseanne arquette plays a woman with leg braces in it. and she is super sexy! the whole movie is about people who are sexually charged by car crashes. a very interesting dark movie.

here is an interesting link i found from vera little's site, written by a woman who became an amputee and is dealing with the surprise of finding out she is now some men's fetish. a very interesting read! i wish there was more to read on this.

http://usinter.net/wasa/contents8k.html

in other news, yesterday i bought a piano! here is what i posted in my bbs about it:
i cannot believe i did it and actually COULD do it!
but i saved my $ and had 3,000 extra, which never happens to me unless i get signed to a label! so i went out and bought a beautiful black upright used piano. brand: young chang ( i've never heard of that brand but i guess they are the largest manufactures of pianos in the world..for whatever that is worth )
it cost 2,976 bucks, which is exactly how much money i had and it is under a year warranty and they will deliver it next week! ( and it's tax deductible! )
so now i REALLY have to clean the thing room 'cause that's where it's going! and hopefully the neighbours won't complain about it being too loud! my god i have dreamed of owning a piano for so long! it hasn't really sunk in yet! but now i can write the music i really want to 'cause i have so many songs in my head that need to be written on a piano. and jason plays piano REALLY well :) and he's going to start taking piano lessons again now :)i am so excited!
*sigh*
this is the second most expensive thing i've ever bought ( the first most expensive being my breasts, lol :)
!!
yayayayayayay! :)

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and then back again to the whole android thing...the other day i combined a few of my ideas together into one big GIGANTIC art piece i will do somehow. if anyone has any ideas of how i can do this, or if any one has the facilities to help me , let me know. here is my idea:
i want to make a mold of my entire body then turn myself into a metal mannequin. and i want my body to be covered
in many little drawers. like little drawers all doown my legs. a drawer in the back of my head, etc. i also want 2 fit a computer into it that canotains in it all of anacam and ana2 and everything i ever do. all my drawings, writings, music, sounds of my voice..everything. so when i die i will leave that behind. and the ashes of me can be inside, too. and it will speak in my voice. it will be an android of me with all my art inside it. now i know this is ONE hell of an expensive project, and it will take years to make. i don't have any of the facilities to begin to make this. but i'll figure it out somehow. maybe i'll come upon a load ofv money someway ( the lottery? ) and i'll be able to pay someone to help me make this.
i also want my body made into a moving body inside my computer, and i want to be able to control it from inside my house. when i make anacam into a 3d house online. i cam walk through it with this body. i know they make these kind of things for animated movies, i know it's horribly expensive and complicated! ya, i definitely need to win the lottery. either that or make a porn movie! haha :)
actually i do have some ideas for porn movies. but it's a very dark dry sense of humour parody of porn, yet still very sexy.
i won't get into that right now, but it's pretty hilarious and cool. i need billions of dollars RIGHT now! :)

right now i'm playing with sound with the cam. to hear me u can use winamp, or realplayer7, or if u are on a mac, wincast works, too. put this url in it:

http://punkgirl.com:8000

but i'm using this very tiny microphone. the kind u get for 5 bucks for a computer. so it's really tinny and really quiet. so all u can hear is me typing and sometimes the faint sound of me mumbling to myself. i turn it off at night or when jason wants it off. so it's on intermittently. sometimes it's on but u hear nothing 'cause i'm sitting over on the couch and the microphone doesn't reach over there. but i will get a better microphone with a long cord soon. i want the kind of microphone that hereandnow uses. i know they use this flat microphone used for business conferences. it's meant to laying flat on a table. it's blacl and square and flat. if anyone knows what that is and where i can get one, please let me know! i can only stream sound to about 60 people, but i'm sure it won't get much over that right now 'cause there is not much interesting sound happening here. but i find it calming to listen to the ambient sounds of someone's livingroom. like i do that with hereandnow. it kinda feels like i'm hanging out with "someone", but we're both being quiet. like when u are so comfortable with someone u don't need to talk, u can just hang out in silence :)

i want to mic my whole house to pick up ambient sounds and then run it all through effects and hook up a speech synthesizer so people can type stuff and we can hear what they say. please, if anyone knows what i need to do that, please tell me. is that a thing only a macintosh can do? i know macintosh has a cool speech thing on it or that u can get. and if macintosh is best for that sort of thing can it be done with an IMAC? 'cause i want one of those things 'caus they look so damn cool. but i've heard they are very limiting. why doesn't a PC compnay come out with a cool looking computer? what's up with this beige shit, anyway?
tomorrow my mom is coming over at noon for any early xmas in a way. 'cause i'm going to my dad's for xmas this year. i usually never go to my dad's for xmas since he is a lutheran minister, he is the busiest at xmas so i never get to spend time with him anyway. but he just moved back to his hometown, to a new parish and he is lonely for me. so i'm going up there with jason on xmas day. it'll be cool to see my dad do his sermon thing again. he is really good at those ( which is good since that's his job! )

yesterday i saw some excellent movies on the sundance channel. two by hal hartley. one called "flirt" and one called "henry fool" henry fool was VERY cool! i was completely captivated. after that there was another by the same guy called "the book of life" it was shot on digital video. but i didn't like that one as much. the story was a cool idea...but it didn't grab me like henry fool did.

now i'm blasting the heater and listening to kate bush again. ater i get this anagram up i am going to try to clean the house since my mom is coming over. and there is A LOT to clean, so i am really stressed about it. but maybe i can just let go of some of the cleaning and say "whatever" because there is no way i could get it all done tonight.

jason is off practicing with his friend paul. paul was in the band "ousia" with him and now they are working on another project called "alpha 61" ( or is it alpha 60? named after the computer in the movie "alphaville")

and if you'd like to me to send u a holiday card, please send me a snail mail address i can send it to u to: ana@voog.com
i still don't know what kind of holiday card i'll make, i'm still brainstorming on that! send it me your address before december 23rd. after that 23rd i'll be too busy to make more cards 'cause it'll be xmas then new years :)