anagram 12.17.99

something i wrote to my mailing list:

and today i've been wandering around the house in silence taking stark pictures of my bath and my toothbrush.
it's so cold now. i miss being able to walk around in the nude in my aprtment 'cause i love the feeling of that. but that
won't be happening very often now that it's winter, except for when i really crank the heat!
i am so hungry and jason is coming home soon from work and i think we'll go out 2 eat. going out 2 eat for jason is a normal thing. his family does it all the time, like serveral times a week. my family rarely went out to it. if we did it was only for special occasions, so whenever we go out to it i feel so weird about spending 20-40 bucks on food, just for one meal. i'd rather buy cds with it or books. but i'm starting to let go of that guilty feeling and just let it be.
i like food, but i don't like it THAT much to spend a ton of money on it at a restaurant. umless it's sushi. sushi is GOD. if i could eat sushi everyday i would!
i love wasabi sauce! i love that extreme explosion it does in your nose and then it's gone. ooooooooo :) it's so cool cause it's not the kind of pain that lasts and last like tobasco sauce..it's just that explosion and then bam it's gone. so clean and powerful.
i really love ginger, too. but i think i told u that already.

anyway...so i'm going to be playing with sound more. tonight i'm going to read another story. i was going to continue "the little prince" but i don't want to now.
maybe i'll jus read the beginnings of books each night. or maybe just the middles or the ends :)
i don't know what i'll read tonight. tune in around 10pm 2 hear. only about 60 can listen in at one time, unfortunately.

and i want to tell u a VERY cool camsite i just discovered an hour ago, because she wrote me and told me of herself.
it is here:
http://www.veralittle.com

she is an incredible person who had the misfortune/fortune of losing her legs and fingers! what a resilient human! plus she makes cool dolls!
please go give her support cause she is getting depressed by all the assholes who go to her site demanding
stupid sexual favours! go shine some positive love/light/vibes her way so she has the energy to continue
her very brave and exquisite quest 'cause she kicks some SERIOUS ass because she defines her own beauty and a billion other daring things!
her links page has some fantastic places on the net to go visit, too. i know i'll be spending most of my night exploring all those
places.

i need to go get something to eat now or i'm gonna fall over from hunger!

----------------------

something i wrote to vera little in reply to her email 2 me:

wow, your site is very well designed :) and i LOVE your dolls!!!
are there more pictures of your dolls? that is something i want to start making too. i bought some
transparent fimo a few weeks ago and am going to start experimenting with it.
i love dolls and love to collect strange old antique ones best. and then , as you've seen, i collect
mannequins. i want to try get somebody to mold me so i can make a mannequin/android out of myself.
so much i want to do, it's stupid. it overwhelms me to the point that i don't know where to begin and then i get nothing done.
your story about toxic shock is just awful. god. i didn't even use tampons for the first 5 years of my
period because i was too afraid of getting that!
ack, and i have saline implants too. jeepers. scariness.
thank god i've had no trouble with them except that they rotate around sometimes and i have to squish them back
into place.
i am beyond impressed by your resilience to embrace your body in the way u have!
i don't have a fetish for amputations, but i can definitelty understand the coolness of combining flesh
with mechanics. you are the ultimate constructivist and deconstuctivist...making your body your own and
playing with yourself as if u are your own creation/doll. which is true, you are. at least that is the way i see myself :)
although i know it's a BIT more intense than THAT!
very spiritual, complex..i don't think i could put it into words for u right this minute.
wow, i'm really glad you wrote me. i think i'm going to be looking at your site all night because all the links u have too, sound so cool
i think i'll be spending the whole night surfing them :)

do u use polymer clay to make your dolls?
i'll bet u love the brothers quay!

so do u have a chatroom and that is where people are asholes to u? or is it all through the email?

if u really stick to your guns most of the assholes wil go away. but they'll never go away completely because the world is too full of them

i wish i had the energy to explain to u how i do it...not go insane with this
i guess it's just i love it so much and i have slowly been gettng accustomed to attention throughout my life so i know how to deflect/reflect/digest/assimiliate
a ton of energy coming at me from all angles.

one thing that is good to know is that u don't OWE it to anyone to explain yourself EVER.
or even to write back to people or anything. it's your site, not theirs.
and if u have a member who is a jerk, just delete that person and don't let them back in.

when my site first was up i had a ton of assholes around me. but i just stuck to my guns about what i was gong to do when i felt like doing it, and eventually most of them went away...to go rummage through other people internet dumpsters. i kind of think of them as stupid wild stray dogs fighting over scraps at a dumpster.
just don't give them anything to eat, and they'll move on.

and every day ground yourself. ask yourself WHY i am i doing this? if this was my last day to live what would i do?
live your life the way you want to. and u don't need to even explain it to anyone.
i'm sure u know all of this already...and you've been so close to death this is pretty basic stuff for me to say.

maybe the cam thing is not for u. but i hope that u love it enough to stick it out 'cause i just discovered u now! :)

i'm trying to think of a good way to tell u how to be grounded. i don't know.
if email is getting to u, don't read it. that's the best advice.
and remember for every one asshole there are 50 really cool kind quiet people.
it's just that the asholes are usually the loudest so it seems that there are more of them than there are.

i look at my cams and i imagine all the kind people watching over me like angels and friends, and i just delete out of my mind the possibility that the jerks are there. and that acts as a colander to block the stupid energy from getting through.

i light lots of incense and candles and take lots of bubblebaths and just center myself as much as i can whenever i start feeling ungrounded.
i know that having a cam is extremely intense and the strange ebbs of energy are not imaginary that u feel
so u need to take deep breaths and visualize what you want and don't settle for less

i think you have a lot to teach, so i find it exciting that i have a webpage! but i know that if u decide it's not your thing...your teachings/thoughts/ideas will make it out in another cool form :)

just radiate from your center what gives you the most joy. your cam is just another toy to play with like clay or blocks.
so it for YOU, not for anyone else. do it because it's a happy thing to play with.

why did u start a cam. i am curious? what was the ideal in your head how u wanted it to be? ( and it can still be that :)

ok, i just got out of the bathtub and my hair is all wet and then sun is going down so i'm getting cold so i must go put some clothes on and make some tea and get something to eat.

then i'l l go look at your site some more :)

much peas,
ana