anagram 12.17.98

"aughaughaugh six pix of my butt clean clean clean a dream machine watching from the net as i get a fill of the spill hey u wondering what if i did that for free well not a chance fat ass man there's no way you'll pay anyway so why do i care u stare what a waste of a day i could pay anyway gimme gimme lookie here dear a fear a dreary way to find a pencil lead brain in your drain gotta run outta here and get a real life where the faeries dance not a chance not a chance six pack hear attack what's she got there quite a pair stare stare stare i'm feeling shaky from the drake smack blackened eye why why why gotta cry in your beer for the fear it'll grow into a big welting promise that u should b your mother in that well u looked down long ago but not too far back u remember that when u were young and u thought it was all there for a penny well not anymore little s'more gotta wince everytime u say it pay it stay it fry it up on a bun til it's done and get there with your fare fair maiden's dead red bled gimme head jack heart attack man ya u know the one from the sun and it's dry gotta cry for that measure no more i gotta score no more i gotta say no more i gotta play your damn ass fuk game." well, i thought i was in a good mood until i wrote that stream of consciousness! but now that i think of it i'm kinda edgy from trying 2 figure out how 2 turn a boring days pictures of cleaning into an interesting and funny anagram. the theme of today's anagram, in case u can't tell, is my butt..just 'cause there was a lot of it today. i was finally folding my clothes in my closet and during that time i was in a good mood. into the monotonous comfort of folding. i was on a roll. my shirts are still covered in cat hair from nova. probably will be years before it's all gone, if ever. then the rythym of my day was abruptly ended by the fact i had 2 go pick up the desk i bought last week. they had 2 order one from the warehouse. it's still in the box 2 b put together. and we have 2 move stuff around b 4 we're going 2 put it up. i also bought this little end table that is so totally "space", i love it! it doesn't really match anything in here 'cause it's chrome, but I LOVE CHROME and wish everything in my house was that. the little table is made of three tiered glass circles. reminds me of bubbles. my orb thing again. so i was in a good mood when i came home with that and i was listening 2 really frooty pop music as i put it together like brandy and george michael. then i tried 2 make an interesting picture from 6 uninteresting pictures..and it started 2 aggravate me 'cause i don't know how 2 make everything smooth like i'd like 2 yet. i can just sort of cut and paste and add filters right now. i can't do anything like shading yet or b really exact. so i kept having to erase everything i had done and start over. it took me hours! and the end result is not really worth all the effort i put in. but oh well, it's a learning experience. i have 2 get up in 7 hours and i'm not even tired. in the morning jason and i are going 2 go 2 a spa! manicure, pedicure, massage and stuff! jason bought me a whole day spa thing for my birthday last april. but i didn't want 2 go without him, and they had a package deal for two people, so when it was his birthday a few months later...i said i'd get him 2 go with me. so finally we r going. i hope it'll be a totally good thing. i've never gone to something like this before and i'm a bit nervous..'cause it's so expensive i want to b relaxed to take it all in fully...but i'm not relaxed at all..which i suppose is the point of going 2 a spa. but i think i'm actually having spa anxiety, if that makes any sense. like i'm scared i'll go and be tense the whole time and miss the whole part of relaxing. like what if everyone there is really fake relaxed and fake friendly and that will irritate me? what if i have 2 go 2 the bathroom in the middle of the massage? something dumb like that. i'm so antisocial right now that i don't even want a stranger around me at all. i want instant escape in case i have an anxiety atack. what if i had an anxiety attack and had 2 go home? then all that money would've been wasted. it's so stupid. i've never had anxiety about something that is supposed 2 b relaxing! i feel ridiculous! i'll probably come home and feel totally good and wish i could go back there everyday. u think i am so uninhibited, but only if i'm in my own house or i'm drunk. i feel such insecurity about people judging me..because that is what i get a lot. or maybe i magnify it more than it is 'cause i'm so sensitive 2 it. like anxiety, for example, is something that most people cannot deal with. not many people can stay relaxed around an anxious person like me. they feel they have to snap me out of it somehow, instead of just letting me be anxious. it's the pressure of trying to snap out of anxiety as to not make other people anxious or uncomfortable that makes me even more anxious. i'm afraid that my anxiety will overwhelm me so much that i'll just start 2 convulse and throw up and scream right there. then everyone will think i'm crazy and i'll have 2 live with the stigma that i could snap at any time and b really gross in public. like people who have epilepsy. that's what i feel i'll do. i saw someone do that once, and it scared the crap out of me..i'm sorry 2 anyone reading this right now who might have epilepsy! i don't want 2 do anything that is going 2 gross someone out and it will remain in their memory haunting them for the rest of their life. why was i so freaked out by that? i can't even think about it or type about it because thinking about it right now in my state of anxiety is making my anxiety worse. i thought if i typed it out it would purge me of my fear. but it's not going to work that way right now. i don't feel any better because i wrote it down. maybe because i didn't type out every last detail. but i don't want 2 type out every last detail..it's too time consuming and horrid. god i'm weird. sorry this anagram is such a downer! and here i thought it'd be a kinda funny anagram about my butt! oh well. such is life and my constant changing moods. in 1/2 an hour i'll probably be fine and feel completely stupid that i wrote this. i don't even know if it's worth it 2 put this anagram up, but i'll do it anyway 'cause it was so time consuming to make it, and maybe it's a good thing..who the heck knows? whatever! p.s. ok...now it's an hour later and i still feel anxious...but at least i drew a better picture of how i feel. so i've added that "littlestaticnothings" pic. now i feel this anagram isn't AS stupid. i can hear the wind howling through the cracks of my windows. 3am. jason's asleep. dogs are asleep. wish i was. gonna crawl into bed and fall asleep 2 cable. want need/comfort/soft lights/soft blankets/soft sounds. no more humming computers. harsh monitor light, flourescent light..wind whistling. drinking mountain dew. no fucking wonder i'm edgy. p.p.s. ok, now it's an hour later..4am..gotta b up in 5 hours. i was so unsatisfied with the pictures from today that i added the red "exhibit" signs 2 them. NOW i feel much better! that was a new trick i didn't know how to do until now :) because i've added that,i feel now that if u saw the pictures away from the text of this anagram, u would understand the humour. and that's all i was frickin TRYING 2 get across, but somehow wasn't until now (in my mind). SO, i think i can finally relax and say that this anagram is indeed worth 2 put up now. :)