i finally got my turntable hooked up so i at least can listen to my records. one of my speakers is not working, tho. so i can't listen in stereo. but it is progress.

and i vacuumed, trimmed the dog, cleaned the kitchen a bit. organized more and even had some sex! plus i stretched, did the anacam biz and stayed on the atkins diet.

i "flowbee-d" my hair and it looks so much better now. it's nice and even and i don't look like an escapee from a mental hospital as much :) jason was skeptical of the flowbee. he thought i would end up with a mullet or something. as if that is all the flowbee can do. :) i just wanted it even and now it is. now for the next year i don't have to pay for haircuts. not that i ever DID pay for haircuts, which was obvious from the craziness of my hair.

i feel good that despite the horrible beginning of this day i kept plugging forward and in the end it gives me small sense of satisfaction that i am not completely hopeless.

i have a bunch of garbage to take out now.

i know that is not terribly exciting to read. but that's just the way it is :)

i'm just keeping on keeping on. that's all i can do.

it's day #2 of cutting sebastian's fur short. he has SO MUCH FUR! i cannot even relate how much. it's insane. and he really hates getting his fur cut so it's hard to do. i got most of his fur off and i think i've got all the matts out.

now all he needs is it to be evened out with some shears. he looks like a completely different dog without his fur.

and now i am going to tackle cleaning the kitchen.

drinking diet dr pepper. i weighed 124.4 this morning!

my goals are just to keep working on my body and my house. hopefully my mind and spirit will follow.

i just hope i can make my way out of this depression. i don't know how, tho.

i'm so tired of just getting by. i'm so tired of living on the edge of homelessness or insanity. i'm so tired of everyday trying to motivate myself. i'm so tired of tryiing to stay positive. i'm so tired of hanging on by a thread. i'm so tired of performing miracles and pulling rabbits out of my ass. i'm so tired of dancing this dance and spinning plates. i'm so tired of trying to look on the bright side or find the reason behind things. i'm so tired of pulling my weight. i'm so tired of not being able to get ahead. i'm so tired of getting things only to have to sell them later for money to pay bills. i'm so tired of trying to prove myself worthy of anything. i'm so tired of justifying. i'm so tired of people that suck as friends. i'm so tired of trying to be a good friend and failing. i'm so tired of not living up to other people's standards. i'm so tired of trying not to freak people out. i'm so tired of people freaking me out. i'm so tired of trying to play the game of credit and taxes. i'm so tired of communicating any of this. i'm so tired of explaining. i'm so tired of living so removed from nature and not seeing any way out of it whatsoever. i'm so tired of not having a home. i'm so tired of not feeling valued and that i belong. i'm so tired of trying to be responsible. i'm so tired of trying to do the right thing. i'm so tired of pushing uphill. i'm so tired of not getting a break. i'm so tired of people who think i have it easy. i'm so tired of people that don't understand me. i'm so tired of having to be on medication. i'm so tired of not being able to afford it. i'm so tired of having to lower my standards. i'm so tired of having to shame myself by asking for money. i'm so tired of looking for my niche. i'm so tired of containing myself. i'm so tired of trying to be interesting. i'm so tired of trying to be beautiful. i'm so tired of sucking it up. i'm so tired of just barely making it through another day. i'm so tired of waking up.

i cannot accept the quality of my life. i cannot accept that i do not get enough quality air to breathe. i cannot accept living a life with no sun. i cannot accept a life with no plants or vegetables to eat. i cannot accept eating crap because that is all i can afford. i cannot accept living in a house that works against me and not for me. i cannot accept a life where i cannot go walking without fear. i cannot accept a life where my sole existence is to pay off bills that i cannot afford. i cannot accept living a life where i can never get ahead and where everything, in the end, is ripped away from me.

i don't ask for much. i'd settle for a rundown mobile home and a yard. i just need some fresh food. i just need the SUN. i'd just like to be able to keep my piano. i'd just like to be able to keep my things that i love. i'm not asking for anything MORE except for a few more shelves. i'd just like to keep the things i have. i'd just like the air i breathe to have oxygen in it instead of toxins. i'd just like to keep my guitar and my keyboards. i just need some sun and some fucking oxygen and a tiny piece of land and a hut that won't be taken away from me. i'd just like to feel safe in that. that's all. i don't ask for much. just a fucking rundown mobile home. that's all. just a place. anything. just a place. a safe place. with sun and air. that's all. but i can't get it. but i can't have it. i just can't even make it there. i can't even get there. i can't afford the apartment i am in now. i don't have anywhere else to go. there is nowhere for me.

i could live in my car. but i don't have my license. i can't even get it in my name because to do that i have to get car insurance and i can't afford it. which also means i cannot even sell it. so i pay 60 bucks for it to sit there. every month.

my whole life is like that right now. i'm in a corner. with no where to go.

i have things i can sell. but i do not have the energy to go through all of that to sell it. that is how bad it is. it's all i can do everyday just to stretch 1/2 an hour and try to stay positive to get through another day.

and after i've sold all my things. then what? i still cannot afford to live here. then i just move on. with 3 dogs and nothing else. i still haven't gotten ahead. all i have then is nothing. all my things...gone. just gone. nothing.

it just isn't right.