anagram 121500

Thursday, November 30th, 2000

7:36a i still haven't gone 2 bed yet. i got my second wind right before i was going to go 2 bed. made a new anagram and got all the analogs updated. the night went so fast! i wish i could just not be tired now and stay up all day and keep on going with all my projects!

7:31p stacy sez in her LJ ( www.atomcam.com ) ( stacy.livejournal.com )
i'm blasting siouxsie and the banshees in my headphones, trying to remember that women -- especially women artists -- especially women artists working with electronic media -- have to band together and support each other and not let the things that have divided the boys divide us. we have a chance to be pioneers here and not to screw it up by fighting about stupid stuff like money. i feel bad that the post below has degenerated into personal attacks. we are so willing to accuse one another of whining, just like men accuse us of. we have to be smarter and stronger and more cohesive than that, because picking fights with one another is just giving in to the idea that our work is not worth anything and that women are at our cores whiny, bitchy people. what the fuck? we gave birth to the world. we are stronger than that. we are smarter than that. we have enough division among us. we don't need to create more.
i try very very hard to be zen, to be a good buddhist, to always seek peaceful resolution. i'm obviously not great at it, but i am recommitting myself today to seeing the forest. i'm tired of getting whacked in the face by all these prickly branches.

my reply:
yes yes yes!
we do need to band together and support each other. we need a safe haven like we had when i was at your house with u and terri
i need grrl energy

wow..right at this moment i think i have changed into a new energy. i feel a lot more grounded having read what u wrote stacy. it's like i can see the goal despit the forest. i don't know how to explain it..i have to explain it with hand gestures :)
aaa!

but i feel like my need to defend is falling away again.
i will not waste my energy on people i cannot communicate with effectively.
i will band together with likeminded souls who support and together we will pull through this by focusing our attention now on who we LOVE not who we HATE

duh. i know that. but i have to relearn it everyday!

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Friday, December 1st, 2000

1:47p i really whacked my knee on the corner of the bed and now i am limping about the apartment like the hunchback of notre dame :)
i dunno what i'll do today...i wa gonna go outside and get errands done, but i don't think i could walk very far with my knee.
despite yesterday's craziness, i feel really happy and energized :)
perhaps i'll make a new anagram soon, then clean some more...
it's grey out. light patched of snow. the dogs are chewing on chew sticks
the usual bang and clatter is doing it's thing in an ambient winter way
5 more months til spring!!!!!
i think i'll go sit on the couch and read this rolling stone i just bought. i think rolling stone sucks, but once in awhile i get curious and peek. then again i am reminded about how i am SO glad NOT to be on a major label! aaa!
it's weird that rolling stone seems like nothing more than a teenbeat magazine

3:13p well, i have 2 get outside and limp to the bank because i just found out i'm ovredrawn 121.00. that sucks. thank god i have the cash to cover it, cash that i got when i went to NYC in case of an emergency. *whew*

5:47p i'm fiddling around with getting windows real media player going :)

8:11p new chat channel!
#analove has moved to #anacam, irc.galaxynet.org

11:59p ok, i am transforming again. no more negativity! no more focusing on the negative. into the light i go! yes!! a new beginning again :) thank u all for being here :)))))))
i am so serious!!!!!!!!!!
MEOW!
do u know how much u enrichen my life??
did i tell u?
no, i haven't. not enough!
i WILL do so first thing tomorrow morning!!!!!!!!!

---

Saturday, December 2nd, 2000

4:30a i have sorted through about 20,000 pix from my cam and when i was at stacy's and got it down to 600.
now i am organizing them into categories..and will weed through it more then fine tune it.
it's gonna be a multipage anagram, that is for sure!
it will most likley take me a few days more to make it!

now it's alm,ost 5am again and i shall sleep now. i won'tvbe on cam sleeping cause the cam i use for that is out in the livingroom and i don't want to make a lot of racket bringing it into the bedroom when jason's asleep

i'm hungry for poptarts

10:03p mmm, jason and i had some fun the the massager called "the thumper" we got it at sharper image. it rocks. it gets the knots out of your back..and othe things :)
now i'm eating a caesar salad and listening 2 the beatles :)
then i'm gonna bleach my roots and take my extensions out and dye the tips of mt hair pillar box red :)

i read on lisagoddess's LJ, she said, i think, that u can put acrylic paint in your hair and it will wash out! if this is true...i am in heaven!

the dogs are staring at my salad looking all forlorn

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Monday, December 4th, 2000

2:26p i'm getting ready to go do lots of errands..the bank, the p.o. and make chocolates with bill for some party thing or something. i am way behind. all i wanna do is sit in my chatroom today
(#analove irc.galaxynet.org)

but i gotta go out into the freezing wind and grey

Tuesday, December 5th, 2000

3:56p ok, i'm going with jason to his rolfinf session, then we are gonna shop for food, stop at the p.o. and get my prozac that i should have had a month ago but i didn't have the $, and then they lost that i had that prescription when i had the$, then i went to NYC, then i came back and called my dr. to call it in. but they called in the wroing one..days pass. it';s finally there.
paid a lot of bills today..but not enough. was on hold for a long time lost in a sea of automatic menus. i'd get put on hold somewhere in a blackhole.
it's 12 degrees and i had some coffee and it's sunny ( for another 20 minutes ) it's not windy thank god.
i gotta go and brush my teeth now so i can go when jason is ready...
i'll be back in a few hours

3:21p i can't find my keys anywhere so that i can leave the house. i am so rrrrr.upset. i want 2 cry even!

7:01p friendship goes beyond emails or phone calls
ani d.
sez it like this

"i got friends all over this country
i got friends in other countries too
i got friends i haven't met yet
i got friends i never knew
i got lovers whose eyes
i've only seen at a glance
i got strangers for great grandchildren
i got strangers for ancestors"

11:30p deleted all my posts at cydniey's...i didn't know that was an option until just now. i did it because she wanted them down and i didn't understand her "clean up after yourself" comment. but now i do.
removed links to that thread on her LJ , 'cause she didn't like that either.
removed all posts made here by me that were just fuel for more negativity, as i said i was going to move into a positive direction, then i didn't do that.
so i'm doing it now...
and i have dismantled the bitchcraft LJ

----

Tuesday, December 5th, 2000

3:56p ok, i'm going with jason to his rolfinf session, then we are gonna shop for food, stop at the p.o. and get my prozac that i should have had a month ago but i didn't have the $, and then they lost that i had that prescription when i had the$, then i went to NYC, then i came back and called my dr. to call it in. but they called in the wroing one..days pass. it';s finally there.
paid a lot of bills today..but not enough. was on hold for a long time lost in a sea of automatic menus. i'd get put on hold somewhere in a blackhole.
it's 12 degrees and i had some coffee and it's sunny ( for another 20 minutes ) it's not windy thank god.
i gotta go and brush my teeth now so i can go when jason is ready...
i'll be back in a few hours

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Wednesday, December 6th, 2000

12:21p it's 23 degrees and snowing. i have been sneezing a lot during the past few weeks. even when i was in nYC, i was. i wonder what is causing this?
my dream s are so detailed lately that i don't have the energy to write them down but the main theme is about missing airplanes or buses. having too much to pack and little time to do it. and people that were friendly turning unfriendly.
well, no mystery there as to the meaning.
i'm groggy but i'm not awake yet. the dreams are still in my body. oh god! and i dreamt that i kissed snoop dogg! eww! where did THAT come from?
the other night i dreamt that i discovered and underground world that looked just like a strip mall, and basically was. it was called Romantica and no one would leave because they had chocolate down there and they believed that tale that there was no chocolate on the top of the earth, or else they didn't know about the outside at all. so they stayed in the mall and ate chocolate. these sound silly when i write them down, but they are so sininster and detailed and go on and on and on.
when i wake up, the firt thing i do besides check my email and the bbs is wtach some tv. it helps the dreams to leave my head sometimes...otherwise they stay there all day and make me feel weitd.

i don't know why the streaming keeps stopping then starting again on ana2.

i have more bills to figure out today and maybe i'll go to the sandwhich shop..i dunno yet.

7:56p i thought i'd get a lot done today. but i didn't. oh well :) lost day. snuggling with the pupsters

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Thursday, December 7th, 2000

2:00a i worked on the latest anagram for days!
searching through 30,000 pix, i made an anagram of 12 pages containg 450 pictures!
i feel good that i got that done.
now i still ned to pay a lot of bills, finish those unvalentines so i can get them off the floor,
and i'm going to read a book called:
"who stole feminism-how women have betrayed women: by christina hoff sommers

what it says on the back:

"a scathing indictment of the feminist establishment. iit exposes erroneous statistics, and mean-spirited male bashing falsehoods, putting feminism back on track that celebrates women's achievements and gains while still acknowledging the barriers they have yet to overcome"

so..if anyone wants to buy a copy of that book, we can read it together and have each other to discuss it with it :)

i was so tired all day..then of course, boom, it's 2am and i'm awake :)

8:15p don't read that book! ( unless u want to! )
read here:
i am not gonna read it now...the book called "who stole feminism"
because the more i skim it and find out about the more i really dislike this book
for instance,
read this:
http://www.fair.org/extra/9409/stolen-feminism-hoax.html

i totally thought the book was about something else...
i thought the book was about how women betray women...like how the author who wrote this book did.
ack.

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Friday, December 8th, 2000

12:32p i've been invited 2 go 2 this :

http://www.lunarevolution.com/

:))
sounds like fun!

5:09p ooo, it wa sunny today so i felt plugged into to the energy source and i made tons of cool pix, both cam and polaroid :)
i'll have lots of stuff to sort through this evening to make a new anagarm :)
i shot silly string at oen of my manneqins 2 take a picture and pooka was sleeping next to her and was totally freaked!
now i'm watching a movie called straight north

6:54p how weird..the hereandnow newsletter email list thing screwed up and spammed a bunch of people, but i got about 45 of the emails from people saying to take them off.
i mean these emails are not even addressed to me. how did that happen?

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Saturday, December 9th, 2000

12:11a let your hair be a part of my hair!
i have yet another project i am working on ( surprise surprise! )
this project is about braiding into my hair, your hair

so...if u send me a clipping of your hair ( it must be at least 7 inches long to be in my head (or if u wanna send me shorter, then i'll come up with a separate project for that :)
i will braid it into mine until i have a full head of hair from "the anaverse"

if u would like to be a part of this, send your hair along with a note about what this means to u to give me your hair, or a story or a few comments about what your hair has "seen" or "gone through" please do :)
if u have a photograph of what hair hair looked like just before u gave me some of it (or all of it )
i would be honoured :)
and if u would take a picture of the hair in your hand, after you've cut it, right before u send it to me ( and a few sentences as to why u want to participate in this ) that would be VERY excellent!

if u would like to just send me the hair without all that, that's fine, but u have to at least send me a few sentences as to why u are participating.

if u can make a webpage from your photos, let me know..
'cause i think this story would make a very good webpage..all the history and the stories :)
otherwise all donations of hair will be held in the strictest of privacy, i assure u :)

i will number all the hair before i put it in, so that i can keep track of who's is who's hair..and i will send u a polaroid back 2 u that shows your hair on my head and what that means to me :) if not something more in the future as this project evolves..as i think of more ideas :)

thank u!!!

send hair to:

ana voog
p.o. box 76152
saint paul, MN
55175

12:30a to copy stacy (stacy.livejournal.com) again:

what are your top 10 fave sex scenes in a movie?

what are your top ten fave sex foods (things that get u in the mood 4 loving..or just make u want to fuck your dinner?)

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Monday, December 11th, 2000

5:31p wow, i am the opposite of yesterday. yesterday i got up at 8:30am and then i cleaned asd organized for 12 hours!
i have been getting up early in the morning the lasty few days.
but then last night i had so much energy that i was up until 3:30am and then i woke up at 11am, but couldn't stya up, so i went back 2 bed at 12 and awoke again at 2:30om, then that's all i remember until i woke up at 4!
gadzooks

was it sunny today?

i got all my tax stuff in one place in the livingroom to make me do it.

the unvalentines are smooshed up against the couch and i'm working here and there on folding the note that goes with it and stuffing it in the envelope nad licking it shut.

it's really cold out. it was below zero all day.
it's 30 below zero windchill, the coldest weather in 4 years

for those of u who have never experienced that...it takes your breath away and all your nose hairs freeze on contact! it's just ...a very weird and also life threatening kind of cold.
it's weird to live on a place on the planet that it's actually life threatening to go outside!
very very weird!

when people think of minnesota, they usually think of horrible cold lie this, but strangely, our summers are hot as hell.

deiter and pooka and making out like mad on te floor, taht is SO much cleaner!
i have room to actually lay on the floor now. my mess tat started at my desk and slowly moved like a glacier into the middle of the living room is now gone.

once my taxes and unvalentines are done, i will have even more space :)

i'm having a coke for breakfast, here at 5pm

i just heard on the news that the roads are terrible. poor jason who has to drive a fa way to get home from work today :(

i moved the mannequins around too, so there is more room. ( room for more mannequins? ) :)

i think that the reason jason and i get so tired in our house is because it is the opposite of feng shui. we ( i ) just have too much stuff. i need more shelves and chests of drawers. i don't even have one of thiose. i wish we owned this place..because our ceiling are very tall, and we could make a great use of that space by building shelves up there.

also we have a lack of oxygen in here. yesterday i opened the window even tho it was freezing, then opened the front door to move the air asll over the house. then i burned sage to get rid of negative or stale energies.

i wish i could afford a feng shui consultant to come over

i think i shall take a really long bath tonight and comb out all the kinks in my hair..

i hope i get enough hair from peope ffor my hair projerct! if u don't know what i'm talking about, read the entry thaat is two below this one, i think

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2000

11:58a i GOTTA get 2 the bank today! it's nice and sunny. i'm going 2 bounce around the living room for awhile like a dork to wake myself up thoroughly!

6:29p my mom doesn't like me
i woke up in a good mood today and danced around and called my mom and stuff. then my mom and i got into all the "issues" again. and she basically said she doesn't like me, nor anything i do, say, or stand for. she thinks what i do is demonic and vile and stupid and trivial and abusive.
i cannot write about it any more than that right now. i am...feeling quite weird and sad and strangely calm like i am detached from it or something..yet part of me is grieving intensely.i guess it kinda feels like when someone breaks up with u. except it's my mom. so...it goes pretty deep.

if she is so religious...why does she judge me like that? and she can't even see that she is judging. she is one minute that i'm vile and stupid and demonic and that *I* have low self esteem and all thisand that all she can do is pray for me.

would GOD really want her to say that stuff to me? is that in ANY way a christian way to behave?

and the thing is..she is getting these ideas because her friends and family tell her i am this. wow, what a NICE family, " say, did u know your daughter is going to hell?"
what on earth???

i feel i just have no family now barely at all.
but i still have my dad, thank god. and i have jason and the dogs, and i have u guys and thank god because your words really do help me.

i mean, this sounds like some sort of movie. my mom is acting like a cartoon! i don't know how my mom got so full of hate and fear.

and she says that it hurts her that i swear.

so...i can't say fuck in her presence, but she can tell me that i'm vile and what i'm doing thinking and stand for has not only NO value but is actually helping satan, and that my breasts are grotesque.

ya, really christian there, mom.

i am moving into my pissed stage now.

you're right. she has no right to treat me that way. and she put me down for being so stupid as to go out with abusive men??? and she abuses me too? what in the hell is that about?

this is really really sad.
really really really really sad. i don't know if i should call her and tell her t leave me alone until she stops being so mean to me, or if i should write her a letter..or if i should do neither

i am so deeply confused by her words and actions...

---

Wednesday, December 13th, 2000

1:50a and btw, the unvalentines are done and i'll be sending them out today!
thank u for all the support. it really does help me get through the day and also make me know i'm not insane.
my mind is really just whirling here. i am in total shock and disbelief over how my mom acted today.
( for more info on this...read the entry i made below this one)
it's so illogical and irrational and unloving and unchristian.and so..AUGH
and she thinks i am the one who is mean to her and that i am the one who has to learn and regret for what i've done ( have sex on the net and say the fuck word sometimes and tell people the pentagram is NOT the sign of the devil?)
the only reason i ever get hostile with her is when she tells me that my hair loks like a tumour or my breasts or grotesque or i'm DEMONIC and DELUSIONAL ,,,,in satan's clutches or something.
i feel like i'm back in salem at a witch trial. it's so not real. it's so SILLY! i meam, REALLY REALLY SILLY!
so i had sex on cam a few times, so there's a picture of my vagina in here *gasp*
but it's more than that...she hates how i think, what i think, my morals , values, judgements...she hates my "new age" beliefs and thinks they are of the devil. i think it's my new age beliefs that freak her out the most.
but i rarely EVER discuss my beliefs with her.
i'm hardly going to go to hell for that. i've hardly started a war in beruit or something.

i am utterly confused.
i am DEFINITELY not talking to her for QUITE awhile. i don't know whether to tell my mom WHY i'm not going to..or should i just not tell her.
i'm afarid to call her even for a split second.

i wish i had the energy to type out what it is...all of this...but i think i'll be mulling this over for quite sometime because it's so very confusing to me. i don't understand how my mother could talk to me like that or why she thinks she is a good christian after saying those things to me.

i hurts HER if i use the word "fuck"

but she can call me demonic. ya. great. nice going mom.
i don't get it. i am at a loss. i feel so betrayed.

when i had sex on the net she said it was like i am dead to her now. could someone PLEASE explain that to me??? HOW am i dead? i feel quite alive!

but now after today..i feel that something HAS died. i guess my hope is shattered. my will to go on and try to love my mom no matter what.
i feel so betrayed by her. so betrayed.
bringing me up to be a good person, and i am , and i love what i do and who i am and feel passionate about this and i'm glad i am.
so i am a good person but i'm going to hell over the fuck word and a a pic of my vagina?

this is really too over the top for me.

yes, it's true, i did forget her birthday last year, which is inexcusable. and i did forget about mother's day too twice. and for that i am very sorry.

she says i have ruined many xmas's for her and mothers days and birthdays...i kinda recall her being the one that ruined them by saying thinsg at xmas like " you are dead to me now!" and on a mother's day once, i wrote her a song...it was one of the first songs i ever wrote on my 4 track. it was such a dear song to me.,..even hearing it now makes me cry..
i gave her the song and she said THIS is it? i get a song? why didn't u get me something like a DUSTBUSTER!!!

well, that really crushed me, and now i do cry when i hear that song i wrote for her.

she has been a wonderful mom for me in many ways.
she loved me when i was a catepillar i guess, but hates me as a butterfly. she wants to try to smash me back into the cocoon.

she keeps telling me i have low self esteem. and i don't. but she has told me i have this ALL my life. it's crazy. up until just a few years ago i believed her. i tried to figure out why on earth i had such low self esteem..then i realized that was her projection onto me. the sadness i was feeling was that she kept telling me i have low self esteem. and it confused the heck out of me.

she is the one who constantly said to herself when i was in the room with her, throughout my life, "i'm too fat. i'm too ugly. i'm a terrible mother"

and i would console her and tell her of course these things are not true.

it finally hit me on the head why i like others to be fat, but i don't like it on me..it's because i am starting to look like how my mother did when she would cry and look into a mirror and say how ugly and fat she was.

when i see myself now, i see my mother looking in the mirror and saying those things to herself. and so i don't like to look in the mirror because of those memories. i don't see myself. i see her frowning

i don't want to look like my mother..because that means i look crabby and ugly.

just figured that one out last week.

i'll be ok. really, i will. but this IS a rather life jilting thing. i'll be ok, but i'm just like , "huh??? wha???? !!!!"

it's too cartoonlike to be real like. it's lie something out of a bad movie.
my mom didn't used to be like this at all. i don't know what happened to her.

i don't know why she is so full of fear and hate when it comes to me.

i guess she just doesn't want to seem go to hell.
but that's not a very kind or constructive way to get me back on "the path"

it's funny how my dad, who is a minister, can see my spirituality and be proud of that. i'm so glad i have my dad.
without him, i think i'd crumble

5:41p my mom called me again. she is finally letting out her repressed rage from 34 years of deep family issues i wish that i could tell u. i'll just say it has nothing 2 do with incest or any sort of violence, nothing like that. it's more just about repression and feelings of being trapped and hopeless and not doing anything about it and shoving all your feelings inside and pretending everythings ok kind of a thing. the more my parents open up to my and tell me their fears and anger and what really happened to them while i was around and didn't much notice, except that i must have definitely picked up on it at the subconscious level and it has effected me deeply. now i see. the pieces of the puzzle are one by one being set in place so i can finally get a grasp of how it affected me. like my nervousness. and my fear that the carpet will be pulled from under me anytime. no safety. no stability.
i hope my mom will continue to feel her rage over the last 34 years and be healed in some way. but i have no idea what will happen. so i am floating here...watching pieces of the puzzle fly around me and in me and through me and trying to remain as grounded as possible.

jason was playing the piano and that soothes me.
i think i might buy some beer and read all my journals. i need to read. once i read them i won't want to type them out so i have decided that i just must read them and then give them to a person 2 type out. i think i might give them to jennifer since she wouldn't know anyone in my journal personally since she has never lived here, and she can type 95 words per minute and she's good at keeping things to herself..so i know that if there is anything super embarrassing in there it wouldn't get it if i didn't want it too.

so tonight i might read all my paper journals in their entirety and see what kind of journey i've gone through and where i am now. i need to start writing in a paper journal again. jennifer wants to do that too..but we are both afraid to because we think if we write in our paper journals we won't write in our online journals.

anyway..that's where i'm at right now
i'm hanging in there and doing well
just floaty and stuff
gonna watch gore's speech at 8 CST

i didn't get the unvalentines mailed today...but i will do it tomorrow

8:27p what a bummer that gore lost :(
i guess i'll take a bubblebath now
and center myself as much as i can

11:45p check out:
www.classmates.com
you can find the people u graduated with and contact them! FREAKY and cool!

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Thursday, December 14th, 2000

12:24p did keith richards come out and say he is gay?

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Friday, December 15th, 2000

12:46p i mailed all the unvalentimes yesterday. it'll probably take longer than usual to get them since it's xmas and all that.

i'm trying to get my body and mind in order. i drank some bourbon with one of my friends yesterday. we had such a great time and he has an old clawfoot bathtub i can have, if i found 4 people that could lift the thing! i think i'll spalsh myself waith water than put on a comfy outfit, i didn't make it to the bank yesterday, so i better do that!
some guy on the street was selling fruits and veggies, so i bought some tangerines from him and read potatoes and some lemons and limes :)