anagram 12.10.99

here is what i sent to my mailing list today( and also, if u didn't see yesterday's anagram..go see it 'cause it's a good one :) and i discovered this new font "verdana, arial helvetica" i think it's a lot nicer than just plain "arial" which i've been using on EVERYTHING else at this site!

1st of all :
an article about webcams came out today here:
http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/features/ill_show_you_mine.html

2nd of all:
i had this weird apocolyptic dream where i was a virgin bride but the guy i wanted 2 marry was too busy playing this new pocket video game.
demons vampyres started coming to earth disguised as wrestlers ( LOL )
the earth was engulfed in fire and darkness and as i was walking through it alone, realizing i wouldn't marry, i walked past an old church and the site of it made me realize that i wanted 2 become a nun. so i magickally turned by wedding dress into a nun's outfit and walked into the church.
a priest came into the church and saw me, and he too was a demon, but i didn't know it at the time. he was excited that i was a virgin and wanted me to call him the name that was christ, because if christ didn't show up...he was the one who was to take command and he told me he wanted to get used to the christ name in case that happened so he would be used to it. so i just shrugged and said "ok"
then the church crumbled around us and i don't remember much after that..maybe i got stabbed and died. just remember a lot of blood
no wait.. i remember..but i think it turned into a different dream, where i was at an airport with u and we were trying to get home but they said there was a 200 hour delay! and that dream just went on forever

3rd of all:
wow, i've received so much great response in regards to my questions about free will and karma! it took me hours to read it all! i DO read ALL my email :)
i am still digesting all of it and what i've gotten out of it is i don't think i know as much as i thought i did, and the world is much more perplexing, complex, and full of much more possibilties than i can grasp! which is good :) it just drives me crazy :) hehe :)
i think perhaps there are no "rules" that blanket this whole "earth reality", i can't possibly know if a girl that was raped was a rapist in a past life and therefore needed to understand what it was like 2 be raped to get that empathy, or if she was raped because the world just sucks, or she was raped because she decided 2 experience that before she was born...or what it might be. i do know that doesn't mean i can look the other way and not help a person who is hurting just because they "created that reality" for themselves or not. perhaps each of us is a unique multidimensional "art project" that we ourselves make. or perhaps someone else is pulling the strings..but then perhaps we agreed to have our strings pulled in order to experience what it was like 2 not be in control. maybe some rapists will get their "karmic retribution", and perhaps some will walk away with no reprecussions simple because they chose to experience what it was like to be able to do ANYTHING, "evil or bad", with no consequences.
all i can really do is even TRY to know is myself and GUESS or FEEL what might be going on with me.
i FEEL i am a multidimensional being.. whatever "mutltidimensional" is. i believe for me, all time is now and i can remember my "past" lives as well as my "future" lives...i believe there is no past or future. i believe that i make my own reality and the things that "happen" to me...i created/brought about/magnetized to me.
maybe this is not the case for everyone. just as art has many mediums and many ways to go about doing things with those mediums and expressing things with it. a lot of my life has been about remembering other lives and parallel lives ( all happening now ) and dealing with a lot of trauma that wasn't dealt with..wasn't able to be dealt with then. for instance, dying a violent death. when do u get time to process that and work that out? i suppose some go to "the place u go when u die to work that stuff out". :) for me, i am working it out here in part. that and a bunch of other stuff :) like how to make an animated .gif! :)

anyway...when tori said "karma is bullshit". perhaps for her it is. i have come to the conclusion, once again, that i can only know myself.
the universe is far too vast a place for me to set such limits on things on how i see stuff. i cannot possibly know if karma exists for anyone else than me.
i cannot know why such and such a thing happened to anyone. i do not even always understand why it happens to me. i go on faith that there MUST be a reason that i just can't always see it. perhaps i will know know the reason until "10 lifetimes down the road" when all that "life in world war ll life" stuff will come in handy. when working in the dimension people go when they die a violent death..i can be there calming them down and getting them situated..having been there myself.
maybe each life is "class" and if i could see the "big picture" i could see the reason why i was killed with an umbrella in life #7237264...it's because i forgot i was majoring in "empathy" ...or something :) i do FEEL a bigger picture and i DO feel an order within the chaos for me. although sometimes that feeling leaves me and i feel hopeless and pointless, but so far i have always bounced back from that ( thanks xanax! )
i am incredibly blessed in this lifetime that i have the luxury to ponder all these things, and my time is not consumed with planting the harvest and feeding my 15 children, back in good old survival 101...although i do feel a string fear in me that my life could be extinguished in one second at anytime. who knows?
all i know is i NEVER EVER EVER want to go to high school again. EVER.

i see that each life is perhaps just as individual as a snowflake at a deeper level than i thought.
maybe for some of u, when u die, you really will die and that will be the end of u. no reincarnation. only on life.
maybe some of u will go to the place u call heaven or hell. some people believe we are already in heaven . some people believe we are already in hell.
earth is an amazing place...so many types of "lives" can coexist all within at least the set of rules called "gravity" and "oxygen", etc.
so i think some of us have karma, because that is a medium we perhaps decided to work with.
others have no karma. but just way beyond that..way beyond the scope of what i can imagine right now.

pretty much what i believe is said in a book by jane roberts called "the nature of personal reality"
i didn't start thinking like this after i read that book, i came across it and it helped me clarify my feelings and thoughts. i've never actually FINISHED the book, but i PLAN to! :) i have almost every book by her. they are so intense.
a less intense book that follows the basic same beliefs is "living with joy" by sonaya roman
if u are depressed and feeling really lost, it's a GREAT book to read. it's very easy to reads with short chapters. it's a VERY frooty new age book, so those of u put off by that might have some trouble taking it seriously. but it's a damn good book if u can let go of your irritation with that sort of thing. after i read that book i felt positively transformed. it was as if the book were literally a physical medicine..like the words went into my body and healed me. pretty cool :)

so thank u everyone for all your input! i will still be pondering this for a long time. perhaps forever!

i hope everyone has a great weekend! pretty soon it'll be time 2 put the new anapix up, so get yours in if u have any!

i guess it's time 4 me 2 go get ready for bed, although i'm not tired because i had a chocolate coffee a few hours ago..weee :)

oh a few other things,
someone sent me this good quote about anger:

Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry with the right
person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and
in the right way-that is not easy.
-Aristotle

and:
You can't always control what is done to you but you can control your
reaction.

and here is a good link containing in it everything u EVER wanted to know about philosophy it would seem!

http://www.ditext.com/encyc/frame.html

shiny things,
ana