i'm better. i'll be fine. i always am.
had some sex. that always helps :)

i'm all ready to go to joanne's house but now i am not sure if she is coming because she left a message on my machine wondering if we were still getting together and i called her back and she didn't answer...so....i am sitting here all dressed and ready.

i will wait for 1/2 an hour, after that i will go do something else. i am actually in a social mood now. i whipped myself up into a social mood :)

i woke up with weird dreams in my head feeling all nervous. poured myself some diet coke then went to go brush my teeth. there was a hole in my glass so pop ran all over (how perfectly symbolic). looked at my bank balance and i got charged yet ANOTHER 31 overdraft fee. i was also charged for 2 more a few days ago. for thsi last one i have NO IDEA what the fuck. i mean, i have $250 in there right NOW. HOW could that even be possible? i am angry. i guess i am going t go there today and bitch at them. i still didn't bitch to them last time when this happened. i just hate daeiling with stuff like this. but i cannot afford to lose so much money this way. and i am assuming that these last few times were because of charges that are automatically taken out of my bank. because i haven't written any cheques. it makes me shaky to think about it. it's like some mysterious force leeching money from me. in the last month now it equals to around 230 bucks worth of fines. and i acnnot afford that. i cannot afford that even a LITTLE bit. i am totally out of food. i have not paid my server yet. jason lent me some me some money this month so i could pay rent and pay for my electricity. i NEED that $230 to help pay him back! FUCKKKKKKK. i just do not want to go to the bank. i hate this i hate this.

my stomache is in knots.

and today at 6pm i am getting together with my friend JoAnne because last wednesday i cancelled. and today i want to cancel, too. i am such an antisocial person. when i make plans to see people it's because right at THAT moment i am feeling social. but that doesn't mean that by the time the plans come i will feel social. and so i get myself into these situations where i am just so nervous. i don't know what to do about it. i don't know how i am ever going to have friends if i can't get to feeling more social at that times that i am SUPPOSED to feel social.

and how can i trust my social feelings when i'm feeling very relaxed and social at 4am and then write someone an email that we should get together soon. then i wake up the next morning feeling so utterly unsocialable that i can't even write another email?

god, i am SO WEIRD. and i must confuse the heck out of people.

maybe i will go to the bank tomorrow. ya. i think i will d that instead. sometimes going to the bank AND getting to see someone later on are just too many things for me to deal with. sometimes i need to get myself psyched up for 4 hours before i can see anyone or go out.

god, i am pissed at my bank. i really do want to understand what is their frickin' policy. i seem to be caught in some catch 22 from hell from them. i hardly ever have overdraft fees and then BOOM all at once. they hAVE to see that i am a good customer and they HAVE to see that i am transferring money into the bank every fucking day! when i go online it can SEE it transferring! can't they just see the money will be there any HOUR and HOLD THEIR HORSES?

but this LAST one. i DID have money. i wake up i have 250 in there. but i have ANOTHER overdraft fee. what the FUCK??

i'm scared to go out and even buy groceries now because i am so scared i will get even more weird overdraft fees thati cannot understand. i don't know which way to move! i'm petrified! and i need some food! i am so scared. i so much do not understand.

and taxes. i have to get those done. i can't even TALK about it.i can't even talk about it.

they are just going to come haul me off to an asylum any minute now. if i don't get my shit together.

but i don't HAVE the money to pay my accountant to do my taxes. i don't even have RENT. HOW I AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY MY ACCOUNTANT AND I HAVE 14 DAYS TO PAY 1,500!!! what am i supposed to do????

and i need my teeth fixed.

and i can't ask my dad for money. i just can't.

adrenalin pumping through my system.

i want to hide in my closet. if there were only room.

------

on dec 4th my measurements were:
37-32-39

and today they are:
37-30-39

click the pix to see them full sized.

and i hope everyone knows that if you want to see what has happened on any other day before, you click "past anagrams" on the top of this page (or in the main menu). i thought this was obvious, but then since i started this new page "today", even jason didn't know that you could see what i have done on the other days by looking in past anagrams!

i am so happy with myself that i am becoming more comfortable with my body at this weight :)
and i thank you for it as the positive feedback really does help me.
thank u!

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