anagram 12.05.99

i had another cool realization, but now i can't remember what it was. hmmm.i don't know what i'm doing with my days, oh, ya...well, yesterday right when i woke up i cheerleaded jason as he removed kipple from the bedroon, lots of cardboard boxes! then after that we went 2 this chinese buffet thing where there were some WEIRD things. like a whole vat of octopi in sauce. it was quite a frightening site, so i took one on my plate 2 inspect it. i have eaten a whole baby octopus before when at this sushi place in NYC called The East. i had been flown out by radioactive to be signed, and i was tripping on acid a bit, if u can believe it! i had had these partial tabs for over 3 years, they had been sitting in my freezer that long, i thought all that i'd get from it was a bit of energy because i was so tired. well, then i'm sitting in gary kurfirst's office and his persian carpet starts doing strange things. it was all i could do to not laugh! quite a position i put myself in! after we had a talk and he decided 2 sign me, saying he'd make all my wishes come true ( ya, right ) and telling me that they were a dangerous label ( ya, right ) and he liked me 'cause i was so "dangerous" ( whatever. ) we went out to that sushi bar and it was very bright with big vats of steaming water at our table. it was so sticky and organic and i saw the baby octopi and i stuck one in the steaming water and watched it curl up like a delicate flower. well, i just stared at it for what seemed like an hour pondering it and knowing that octopi are as smart as cats and each has it's own personality. it's true! well, finally i just had 2 eat it because i felt so terrible it had given it's life to be eaten..so i order 2 honour it's death i ate it so it wouldn't go 2 waste. it didn't really have any taste. it was just chewy. anyway...so the same thing happene yesterday..i mean..not the lsd thing, LOL, but seeing a big vat of flowered up baby octopi. it was a vat full of kittens to me. just too surreal for me to comprehend. and there was squid, but it looked like some sort of knobbly sculpture from the early 60's and they were dyed red. it also had no taste. i wanted 2 take all this stuff home with me but i didn't have anything 2 smuggle it all out in, but if i ever go back there i'll bring a baggy. then when i got home i fell asleep for an hour i was soooo tired. then when i woke up i don't even know what i did..oh wait..ya..i started redoing the analog section and making it a tiny bit more pretty and more understandable because i'm going 2 start updating that section again with the writing parts of these anagrams sometimes, but no pictures. i haven't updated the analog section since april! as soon as i started doing anagrams, that section died. but i really want 2 let people know through writing what's going on with me or what have u. but i don't know if i can get it all done, it's hundeds of pages to add. i was up until 4:30am working on it.

i wish i would get out of this creative slump i'm in. i FEEL some creative things floating around in me poking at my skin for a way out. i get all antsy when i go through these creative lulls..i get all panicky like i'll never be creative again..but i know that's not true. i just hope that everyone doesn't unsubscribe! that's always a fear of mine. but i refuse 2 create something just because i'm afraid of that. it has to be true for me. whatever happens will happen and the universe will provide like it always does :)

oh duh, i know another thing that happened, well, one day i cleaned like a crazy manic grrl and i got a lot done. wait, did i tell u that before? i think i did.then i went 2 see stereolab at 1st ave. both jason and i were so tired, but i perked up when i got there and i saw ee from eecam.com and her boyfriend , moon from the band skyeklad nad i saw my old friend zachary vex who helped me to start anacam. and i ran into dave foley from Things That Fall Down, and i haven't seen him in ages so that was cool :) i brought with me in my pocket a bunch of shimmery marbles and i gave them out 2 people as i said hi. usually whenever i give people marbles they say " but what do i DO with it?" and i say" you look at how pretty it is!" but no one said that this time, which was good. 'cause if u don't know what 2 do with a pretty marble i just can't help u!

streolan were really good, but not as good as the time they came before, i don't know why..i couldn't put my finger on it. but i still loved then very much, they are one of my favourite bands in the whole world, they just make me effervesce!

after the show, i wanted 2 fall right asleep, especially since i had a jagermeister. but there was still one thing left 2 do, go 2 carolyn's xmas party. carolyn who was the bass player of my band The Blue Up? but i was so tired and hungry when i got there that i saw all the delicious treats and i just scarfed then got REALLY sleepy. and everything there seemed very hazy there. there were so many people and i didn't know any of them, but i got 2 meet carolyn's new boyfriend, and that was cool :)i don't think we stayed very long. i gave her the xmas present i bought her, and also the xmas present for renee, the drummer of The Blue Up>, who i thought would be there but never came..but i think that's 'cause she had a show 2 play with her band , Machinery Hill, that night.

when jason and i got home, we just immediately plopped down and fell right 2 sleep, but my extensions had soaked in all that cigarette smoke, so it was SUCH a bummer! and i washed my hair the next day but y hair still smells faintly of cigarettes. gross!

last night before i went to bed i finally got 2 see that movie called "pi" i knew i'd love it! wow, what a cool movie! go rent it if u ahve the chance! it's all about the magic of numbers and how the whole world is made up of patterns of numbers. that's how i see it , too in many ways. i can't explain it. well, i COULD, but it's too complex to type out all here right now. but i do believe that there is order in chaos , which ties in with a TON of what i've been thinking about lately. i'm still mulling over the whole tori amos interview experience. especially the part where she said karma was bullshit and that bad things happen to good people because this is a free will planet. i have 2 say after thinking it over this entire time, that i don't agree with her entirely, but i don't have the energy to type that whole thing out right now. i WISH i did 'cause if i could just type it out i would hope i'd stop thinking about it! sometimes i'll think about the same topic for months, even years.

so when u see me on the cam sitting on my couch staring, or just staring in general, which i do rather well...my mind is not as blank as my face would make it appear to be. i am pondering all sorts of interdimensional things, which sounds so frooty to say but there u have it, maaaaaan.

and i've been doing really well on cutting out sugar from my daily food. i only drink a coke now maybe twice a week instead of twice a day, and my skin has been better than it has before and i wonder if that's why. but of course, now that i typed that out, i want a coke. so maybe i'll go get one ''cause i haven't had one in days! mmmmm.

i did an email interview with latvia's biggest newspaper a few weeks ago, i wonder if it ever came out? i don't remember what it was called, but i know the translation of it neant "the day"
and i'm going to be on a swedish tv show. they are going to point their cameras at my cam and talk to me on the phone. i'll let u know the details when i know them :)

ok, i just got myself a nice cold dr. pepper. mmmmm :) and talk show are on in the background. and it's sunny today! when it's sunny i get a lot done, if it's grey, i just lay there. it's like an off and on switch in my body. i wish i didn't feel like such a slave to such things. i'd like 2 be able to DECIDE to be energetic, even when it's grey. maybe someday i'll figure that out.

oh ya, i remember my revalation i had the other day. i was eating a piece of ginger with raw honey. i lie to break pieces of fresh ginger off, dip them in honey then let that concoction explode in my mouth and make me warm all over. i hadn't done that in soooooo long! i really need to eat more fresh organic vegetables! and so my revelation was this...the reason that i would ever become a vegetarian is because it would be FUN! just because that is what would make me happiest to do..not because of any political cause, not because of sadness for the animals, not because of anger of the meat eaters. now, i don't think i will become a vegetarian because i believe vegetables have just as much will to live and are just as miraculous as a cow. i believe things must die in order for another things to live. i think that is the strange cycle of it. i believe that to be THANKFUL and not WASTEFUL is the way 2 go , whatever it is u should decide 2 eat. just acknowledge the great gift it is that it gives it's life for u to live. it's pretty heavy, but what else can u do? everything is alive. give thanks. don't be wasteful, and i don't mean eat everything on your plate until it's all gone no matter how full u are. i think that is a TERRIBLE thing a lot of us were taught. because eating too much is also wasteful and harmful. i wish restaurants would stop making the hugest proportions for meals. it's ridiculous! and i wish that the horrible cruel farms that raise animals would stop their cruelty and respect the animals. so i try to buy organicmeat whenever i can, and i should just say right now that i stop eating meat all together unless it's organic. i think it shoulld have had the opportunity to live a happy life and be respected at the VERY least. i could go on a rampage on that. and VEAL, don't even get me started!

ok, back 2 my revelation....i think the reason that i don't stop eating meat and i don't recycle is because whenever i do it reminds me of all the horrible things happening on this world with pollution and cruelty and i just CAN'T even think about it because when start to i just implode. i remember once i just started crying about the jellyfish in the oceans and how they were dying and we were killing them with pollution and they were so innocent. well, seriously iu could not stop crying, i just took it in wyyy too much and i realized that to cry about the jellyfish is NOT going to help the jellyfish, and if i died from my sorrow, that will NOT help the jellyfish. so i just had 2 let that go for now before i killed myself from the anger and sorrow.

but as i was eating that ginger i realized even further how much it IS helpful to eat things in HAPPINESS and JOY. don't eat things if while u are going to be eating that veggie burger u are steaming mad at the person next to u eating a cheeseburger. i didn't want to be eaten away ( no pun intended ) with anger as i ate or recycled. i know if i did it, i would get really bitter and militant about it. i couldn't see how to be a vegetarian and not be angry.
i still can't fully see how i could be a vegetarian and not be angry, but i see a glimmer in there that i COULD be a happy joyful non-militant nonbitter vegetarian just because it would be FUN and JOYFUL to eat that way. i would eat that way because it made me feel better not worse.

it was just a glimmer of it as the ginger exploded in my nouth, and i went mmmm, THAT'S why! but it was so fleeting and short. but it was enough to get my mind unhinged a bit on that subject.

and with recycling, too, i don't want to be putting my all my aluminum cans in the recycle bins bitterly thinking "god, the world is so fuct up and lazy and no one recycles, this is so pointless, it's beyond hope, there's too much garbage" wich is pretty much how i fel when i recycle, instead of thinking and feeling joyful about it. because it should be a PLEASURE to recycle. you should do it cause it makes u HAPPY. and that seems so obvious now! like , DUH! but for some reason i didn't connect those two things up. i just remember that commercial about litter and the poor crying indian. i don't know if anyone of u remember that. but it really disturbed me as a child, because i feel such a bond with that culture. so i think i grew up equating sorrow with recycling. u shouldn't be CRYING as u recycle u should be happy! that's the way i see it anyway. so i'm going to work on getting "there"

u can't heal yourself or the world by imploding with anger everytime u see a "bad thing" ( war, rape, pollution, etc ), imploding or exploding with that feeling of violence and sorrow at the hopelessness of the situation isn't going to help anyone or anything. not that we should suppress our sadness and anger..man, it's complex. i think that sorrow and anger are really good things at times. how do i word this so it makes sense? i certainly don't advocate shoving down and burying anger or sorrow. i just need a balance. it's when u get CONSUMED by the anger or sorrow that i start to die. and i know that isn't going to do anyone or anything any good. i like too imagine all of us and every thing as connected with strands of light, and the more joy u emanate...other things can tap into that and get some joy energy. but if u see a war on tv and feel the sorrow and anger and u feel hopeless 2 do be able to help somehow..i think the best thing u can do is not to get sucked into the war energy..but to go do something joyful..whatever that may be, and add more joy into the grid that we are all connected so that others can tap into that. i think playing a joyful game of checkers will help to heal the earth faster than bitching on the phone to your friends about how fuct up things are. of course, if u are in the middle of this war, then..that's a whole different story and i wouldn't even know where to begind with that so i won't even try to say anything about that. but for those of us who are not in the war...i say go be joyful and send that joy out into the universe for the others that so desperately need it. if u have the luxury to go be joyful because your house isn't being bombed...go dance wildly about your house to the b-52s and send that energy to the people out there that need some of that to get them through their day. i don't know how else 2 put that right now. and i'm sure it's gonna sound incredibly lovey dovey hokey pokey frooty and trite to some. but it is a very serious and very real healing thing that can be done!

ok, i'm gonna go ftp this up then figure out what 2 do next with my day. the pupsters are laying in the sunshine.