can't even begin to explain where my head is at. can't decide if it's in a good place or a bad place. maybe somewhere inbetween.

i feel really hedonistic. but that's just because i want to escape this tiny place.

but then again...maybe i am just really hedonistic.

i cooked myself some salmon just now but i have no interest in eating it. i should eat it as i've barely eaten anything today. i don't know if i can eat it.

i called up an old friend of mine who used to work at the store right next to the store, ragstock, i worked at. her name is Joanne and i'm going to go over to her house tomorrow at 6 and chat. i am excited to rekindle an old friendship.

actually, we were not really friends but more like aquaintances. but we keep running into each other here and there throughout the decades.

tomorrow i have an appointment with a plastic surgeon to look at my mole to have it removed. but i can't remember WHICH plastic surgeon i made an appointment with nor can i remember what time or where it is.

that is a problem.

i'm going to try to eat this salmon, take a quick bath, then watch the osbournes.

i've been over at jason's a lot. even while he is at work. i'm just kind of going nuts at my house and he has cable tv and he has SUN that comes through his windows. so i sprawled in the sun this afternoon on his new expensive bed.

it's one of those sleep-by-number beds. you can make it as firm or soft as you want. and i cannot find my "sleep number" at all. in fact, my back is KILLING me. i have tried different pillows, too. it's such a drag he gets this really wonderful bed that does everything and i cannot sleep in it very well. i don't know what to do! it even hurts to stand up now.

jason bailed on the atkin's diet because it's too hard for him to manage while he is on his last week of school for this semester. finals and papers and all.

but i am still hanging in there! i am very determined to lose weight and be skinny by spring.and i know it will happen because i will accept nothing less.

i've been mulling over and over in my mind for the last year or so what on earth it is i want to do with my life. i always have some "big plan" i am working on. but this is the first time, literally, in my entire life that i have not had a "big plan".

i have had a plan since the day i was born. i ALWAYS knew what i wanted to do. even at the age of 5.
so this is a really new thing to me to feel this way. and it sucks.

so, all i can come up with is that this is a time to BE STILL. there is nothing else i can do. everything points to this.

when i am on the right track...things fall together like magic. thsi is not happening. so i can only conclude that i must BE STILL and just BE.

this drives an Aries woman like me NUTS.

so i am just going to get my body/mind/spirit/house in order and then i'll see what happens from there.