anagram 12.02.99

all i've been doing lately is trying 2 get motivated 2 clean the thing room. but then i don't. i did a BIT, but just barely. i don't even know how the day passes, it just does. i've been feeling really depressed about some stuff and i hope it gets better and gets resolved. some moments i'm actually happy for awhile. like it was nice to watch hannah and her sisters. i wish i could watch tv without feeling guilty, though. i just want things to be cleaned and organized. i guess it my way to have more control over my life, but things DO NEED to be clean. i just walk into that room and i get totally overwhelmed and it's cold in there. i should bring the spaceheater in there. but things are never simple when i'm depressed. just doing the smallest thing becomes this looming complicated series of actions and getting mentally prepared. so that's why my cam has been so boring, too.
i jus woke up from one of those dreams where u think you are awake but u are paralyzed. it seems i stayed like that for an hour just trying to make a sound to wake myself up, or fall off the bed to wake myself up. i was totally terrified. i heard this buzzing right above my head and i thought there was a bee flying around my head trying to land. it didn't make any sense, but it scared me and i was paralyzed to move. i heard the buzzing so clearly, it couldn't have been more real. then in this realistic dream it was 4pm and jason came home with a friend and i could hear then talking out inn the hall, i tried to scream to get him to come into the bedroom and wake me up, but i couldn't and the bee kept buzzing. it was beyond frustrating! i was so scared and then i could hear that jason was going to leave again and i felt such hopelessness and sadness. finally i really DID scream and that woke me up and i sat there shaking with my heart going so fast and almost crying nad i realized that it was 10am and jason had never been here and there was no bee. argh.
it seems a lot of people have been going through hard times. either that or really GOOD times. people are breaking up, people are getting engaged. it's so intense.
then i fell back to sleep again and had a weird dream that i was making a video on how to be a 24/7 camgirl. the second i woke up from that i thought "what a good idea,i should do that" but a few seconds later i realized that i'd find making a video like that to be pretty boring to do.
now i'm making this first thing so i can feel some sort of accomlishment right away instead of just standing there in the livingroom, staring. and at least it's sunny today because it's been grey as hell lately, which doesn't help my mood.

i did have a cool realization about family,though, yesterday, as i was watching hannah and her sisters. i realized that families are a good thing because how else would we learn so much about people that are SO different from us? if we chose our families after we were born, we'd pick people that were so alike , we'd miss out on opportunities to intimitely get to know people that are 30 years older than us and we wouldn't even run into in a million years. i'd never hang out with my mom or dad or brother if they weren't my family. but because they are, we stick by each other and really challenge each other to understand so many things otherwise we'd never look at or have the opportunity to look at and grow. so i realized that my family, even in it's great oddity, is the perfect family and i can't really put it into any better words than that. but i feel good about this insight! so that is a good thing.
i have been having good conversations in irc lately, too. and i've been going into the chat room at www.girl2.com the past few days and talking to kimiko and tatsumi and that's been so cool. that whole household had a REALLY interesting relationship! highly creative! go to their site to learn more on them :)
and i've been watching hereandnow.net again now that they are back up, and it's soooo coool. the new roomates seem super cool and interact a lot with the cam and they play excellent music!
and i've been working on getting sound for my cam.. guru sat up with me till 3am the other day helping me set up a shoutcast type thing. it's so complex to do, so many plug ins and configurations, and i had it working fine. then the next day i tried to set it up again and it seemed like it was all working, but there was no sound! so i tried to fix that but then screwed something up even more and now i can't do it at all. so i hope to get that straightened out soon so i can read u all bedtime stories and stuff :) and eventually have my radio show.
well, now that i have written some stuff out, i see that i HAVE been working on things, it's just been frustrating because it's the " so close but yet so far" syndrome. but little by little it'll get done... patience..i need patience.
and the cam on the streaming is slightly blurry right now, and try as i might to focus it, it will not focus! it's little stuff like that that can drive me mad!
ok, that's it for now. i wish i had a better anagram for ya, but..that's life!