anagram 11.09.99

eh. it's a day. what can i say? not much. dunno. ups and downs of life, bla blah. i'm sure u know how it is. working some stuff through, or maybe i'm not working it through but i'm just hoping things will fix themselves. which sometimes happens. sometimes. or i'm deluding myself. could be. don't know. i want 2 think about it. but, i don't want to think about it either. i watch movies to keep my mind from caving in on itself. i keep myself busy with small but fulfilling activities, like making these anagrams. thinking about how to make my polymer "anadoll", coming up with ideas and strategies to see those ideas through. letting go of some ideas sadly, because i know i just can't do them all. or maybe i could if i had multiple persoanlities taht could take over for me while the other me sleeps. what is sleep anyway? another thing that i've been pondering lately is what is "memory"? i can understand about experiencing things in the now..'cause there are things that are physical happening to you..cold water on your skin..you are going to feel that because of nerves. but memory of the cold water, what is that? remembering the shower , looking at the angle from being in the shower, remembering how your ring slid off your finger right when the hot water disappeared and you jumped, startled, at the unexpected rush of cold water on your body. the memory of the shape of the handle to the faucet to balance out the temperatures..the smell of the shampoo u use. what is that? what is memory?
it just now occurred to me that if all time is now...that is...everything that ever happened, is happening ,and will happen is happening all at once now...then there really isn't any memory at all. you are just experiencing that experience over again because it never ever did STOP happening. u just "remember" it "fainter" because of something to do with this physical world thing we are in. that's the way it works here. 'cause if you "remembered" it as vividly as if it were happening to u right now..well, then there would be no sense of linear time and it'd not be earth how we know it to be.
maybe that is why some people remember things differently from others. not just because we all experience things differently because of our individual "filters" ( although i suspect that's most of it )but perhaps because some people are remembering slight variances of that "experience" because they just are remembering different versions of reality..slightly altered..since everything that could ever ahppen is happening now. like right now there is a reality of me typing this out to u and i'm wearing my white robe, but right now, the reality i'm experiencing is that i'm typing this out 2 u in my black sweatshirt and black stretch pants.
ya, i'll bet that's what it is. now if i could just stop remembering some things. but then that would change who i am and then maybe i couldn't stop myself from making the same "mistakes". it seems i cannot separate myself from my memories. it seems i am infinitely entertwined with them. i need to learn how to take control of my memories..like taking control of video cassettes instead of having them control me...popping in out of nowhere. i'm sick of remembering the things that have hurt me so deeply. there's got to be away to control that. i hope to figure that out.
some people have written to me about my insecure feelings about tori amos and my interview with her telling me to stop being so insecure. well, i write about my insecurities as well as my securities. just because i tell it like it is doesn't mean i'm crumbling over here in the corner being consumed. i guess u could say i'm secure enough with myself to share my insecurities. so thank u for trying to make me feel beter, but i am just dealing with issues just like everyone else. :) no biggee, yet big. life. i just share my insecurities, too, becaus i feel that a lot of people could maybe relate to that and perhaps not feel like such a freak, which is how i feel sometimes. but usually i feel like a freak in a good way :)
i was watching a documentary on gary cooper the other day, and his daughter was saying she thought the key to his success was that deep down inside he knew/felt he was just an "average joe". like i think that jennifer from jennicam has said that, too...that her cam is not about being something glamourous but it is about the average girl. i have never felt average, i have always felt...some might say arrogantly so...that i was special. but maybe that's because deep down inside i feel that everyone is special and quirky :) even the average joe. which is why i love to read about people's lives and observe everything i can.
i guess i don't really know how to put that into words without a bunch of people jumping down my throat telling me how self indulgent and vain i am. but those of u on this list that are like me will know what i mean, or maybe not.
i do think jennifer is glamourous, and i think gary cooper is too. but maybe that is just me projecting myself onto them, as i love glamour. i'm a sucker for red glitter lip gloss and feather boas. i don't want the cam to capture me how i really am physically literally, although it does a lot...i want it to help me convey what's on the inside of me...not the outside. anyone can ALWAYS see the outside of me( those that i actually see in the physical world), but not everyone can see the inside of me. and that's what i try to do with my cam, say something from the inside of me with it. which is why i'm always endessly fascinted with that filter i can put on where it looks like ghosts of me are wandering around my room. because i am fascinated with time and alternate realities. many of "me" in the same room doing the same or slightly different or very different things!
i work from the inside out. i start to understand, hopefully, others by first, hopefully, understanding myself.
i don't like bill cosby much, i just never thought he was very funny, but he said something startling on the opra show the other day which at first made me very angry, then the more i thought about it, made great sense. someone in the audience said something to the effect of "i hope that within my life what i do will help to change others for the better...or what i do will make a difference in the world" something to that effect, you've all heard that one a lot the "if i can only change one person's life for the better, then it would all have been worth it"
well, bill said something to the effect that that is such a load of crap and that start by changing YOU. but i don't think he had to have said it so harshly as he did to that person because it was just...harsh..how he said it. but it's true...the old adage..yada yada yada...u can only change yourself, you can't change others. it's as simple as if we all individually decided not to do violence to another...there'd be no war. none. it's just as simple as that. start with yourself. it doesn't mean not helping out others, too..but..well..i hope u know what i mean. i know it's been said over and over again, so much so that we don't even hear it anymore..like the word "love". but there u have it.
ok, i'm really sick of thinking deep thoughts now. i wish i could get in a giddy mood. i need a mood dialer like in "do androids dream of electric sheep"

ok, here are two anamates...i never get sick of making them, so i hope u like them, too. it's my new cheesy thing :)

hello 921KB
fallingasleeptothecartoonchannel 8.3MB