anagram 101200

a second picture under these

Wednesday, October 11th, 2000

12:52a la la la
ah, i think i my livejournal is finally working for me again! :)
just in time to see people bash me over the head about how stupid i am to photograph a dead bird. sheesh. it was a really beautiful bird and i wasn't DUMB about it...i used latex gloves , i didn't ever touch it directly and i sanitized everything it DID touch, and then i gave it a proper burial after 2 hours.
so many of u automatically assume the worst and that i've licked the bird and it has some lethal virus in it. don't be so pessimistic. i am not THAT stupid. sure i can do stupid things, we all have done stupid things. but i'm not THAT dumb.
it was probably a pigeon that died of natural causes. i don't see a lot of dead pigeons. in fact i never have until today...so i hardly think there is an epidemic.
but if there is and i now die from it, u can be the first to tell me u told me so :P

firstly, i did the community a SERVICE by getting rid of it from the middle of a well trafficked sidewalk
i am glad i got to take some really beautiful photos of a very beautiful bird. it was a rare gift that i thank the universe for.

*sticks tongue out and makes grotesque faces with cherry twizzlers in mouth*

1:58a hey, what's everybody doing still up? :)
i have stupid looking zit medication ( that works great) all over my face. woo hoo!
isn't THAT an exciting "anafact"?
lemme see, what other great things do i have 2 tell u?

well, first let me ask u, does anyone know of the cheapest place i can buy polaroid black and white film online? and i still need more advice about what kind of treadmill to buy that is small.

deiter , my fluff monster dog ( the rump roast) is up 2 no good. he is sniffing everything and i just know he's gonna start chewing on something he shouldn't be chewing on.
ah, there he finally curled up like a cinnamon roll next to pooka :)

today was jason's third rolfing session! i cannot explain rolfing 2 u...you'll have 2 look it up :)

i hope tomorrow will be nice, because i have lots of photos i wanna take outside. plus i want to walk my usual walk with my 4 track with me to capture the sound of everywhere i go and back again. i think that would be a very cool tape :) and i could listen to it when i get sad for walking in the winter.
my fostex 4 track takes batteries so it can be mobile like that :)

so if u were gonna buy stock, what would u buy? or if u do buy stock, what do u buy, and why?

3:18a i just got done reading vera little's journals at:
trajectory media

i am finally super duper tired, thank god...'cause i want 2 get up at a decent hour so i can go outside. the sun sets so fast now. i am not looking forward to winter
i'm gonna go tuck the dogs 2 bed, then do that, too...
i don't have the strength or will power to drag the cam into the bedroom to put it on me while i'm sleeping. it's a heavy weildly beast ( weildly? is that a word?)
i'll put the cam on deiter

3:50a ok NOW i'm going 2 bed. i am in the process of sorting through 1,000 emails and getting them all straight. finally made a folder that i can put all the sleepstation requests in so i can get those done faster. i've been lagging behind in my sleepstation duties because of poor organization of my inbox in my email
(1 Comment | Comment on this)
2:16p i'm TRYING 2 wake up. this is so frustrating because i'm either trying 2 wake up or trying 2 go 2 sleep! i have opened asll my windows and i'm playing sgt. pepper on VINYL :)

4:22p went out 4 a walk

6:43p moving, stretching...better than crunching myself up ay my cmputer. i need to move and stretch 2 stay healthy. even i i only did it 5 minutes a day, that is better than none. slowly, minute by minute...building up my health , my body again. i took it to the limit of ignoring it. and realized that road sucked. i'm turning back time and regaining what i lost. i'm not too far lost :) thank god :) maybe in a month i'll be where i wanna be again. that's not so bad. the body is amazing...the way it can change as u change. it can change into almost anything. if u have the MIND 2 be that

7:36p career crisis
something i posted "under the bed" at ana2.com about having a creative/career/life crisis:::::

i completely understand your situation! i, myself, just cannot force creativity. and that sucks if that is your income. i feel i live off, in part from, my anagrams...and it is hard sometimes to find anything NEW or INSITEFUL 2 say. and i really can't say the same thing over and over again, even if there are thousands of people who have never seen my "pussy tv", or what have u, i can only do it once. who knows..maybe someday at 50 it will take a whole new twist and i'll do pussy tv part 3 at 80.

so many people come to my site haven't even seen me SMILE yet!

i just have 2 trust in the universe and go with the flow. and that is a SCARY place to be!

it's pretty hard to believe that everything will work out "somehow" when u are 200 bucks short for rent and u are out of ramen.

i don't know what "miracles" will happen if u just dare to take that step and go, "ok, universe, i cannot do this by myself, i am going to put my life in your hands and connect with u and believe that opportunities will arise where there were none before. and money will appear from unexpected places. it will seem like mere coincidence when these "miracles" happen...but they are not.

by your sheer WILL u can completely shift your life around and make it happen. it's scary as fuck, but totally empowering as well. to say NO, i will NOT accept ANYTHING less than total comfort , joy, and fulfilllment! i will not accept that! that is NOT an option for me.

open your heart center and scream that full force into the universe. explode the thought of what u want...take your hand and rip it through that wall and GRAB what is rightfully yours and eat it all right there and shine.

it's where i'm at right now, too. i need some major change. i need to shift gears, change cars, do without cars altogether and just FLY.

woa. i just remembered a dream i had last night where i WAS flying and it was the best flying dream i've had yet! i visit the same places over and over in my dreams nad do the same things over and over, i remember when i'm dreaming the whole entire scenario..but i don't know that i am dreaming when i dream. anyway..there is this kind of cathedral place...kind of dusty, not used a lot.

anyway, it's REALLY tall and i have not yet been able to fly up to the center of the dome and touch it yet. but i DID get pretty far. it's like that whole star wars force way of thinking. i just "thought" myself up.
wow, i'm glad i remembered that..because all i remembered was the dream where i finally got to meet adam ant and he thought i was a total wigged out coked up embarrassment. and all i was was just really hyper and excited to meet him. actually , it was his manager who thought that of me, not adam himself..i didn't get to talk to adam for very long..

anyway...i think a lot of us are going through this really weird time right now. questioning where we are right now. questioning how we got here..and do we want to travel this path farther...and if so do we want to continue travelling this path in the WAY we are.

it's some scary shit.

all i know is that i am really disorganized and my brain feels like it's wigged and starting to deteriorate along with my body and so it's time for me to take responsibility for my mind and body and just yank myself back up out of this muddy mess i'm in....and once the cloud has disappeared..i'll know which direction to go in.

it's just hard 'cause ya..it's not too fun for anyone on the "outside" to watch me go through this because it just looks from the outside like i am not doing much, because it's all internal.

and how do u make an anagram about that?
i guess i will put this in my next anagram.

all i can do is BE myself...i cannot BE anything else. i gotta do what i gotta do...and i have to trust in the universe that i will still have income as i go through this time

so, i guess...use me as your example and see if i'm still here in a few months doing more than just getting by :)

if u see me laying in a gutter instead, then forget everything i just said and go get a job in a cubicle!

i think i will post this post into my livejournal and see what even more people have to say about all this, and we can put all our heads together and chant "love! joy! fulfillment! nothing less!"

a reply re: this entry:

(i don't have any exterior ailments of the rent, food kind. i was talking about the past to say that i understand. and that i still live the fear that my money could go away from me maybe anytime. who knows? also "real, organized jobs" make me suicidal. seriously. i think they make a lot of people suicidal. plus it irks me when people allude that perhaps i do not have a "real" job. my job that i have now is certainly a job. but it's MOSTLY so much fun that it's hard to call it a job. but i work on my site night and day now for three years and i am very proud of my accomplishment :) sure, i don't have a fixed income because i live off my art...but i will pay the price of uncertainty in that area to live in my creative way. that doesn't mean i don't have STRESS over it..but a job other than a creative one would only make me suicidal. and i just refuse to go there any more. been there done that. done A LOT of that and then some. i have found my calling here. that doesn't mean that i still don't have my ups and downs. my life is not totally peachy keen. but it sure is HEAVEN compared to where i have been :)

or...not. :)

7:39p extensions
oh! and i'm getting new extensions put in tomorrow! but i gotta take a cab 2 them this time. at 11:00am. i gotta find the address!

7:06p ooo, i must have WILLED white extension braids into my reality, because i wished for them so hard! :) ta da! she had PURE WHITE premade braids, which are so nice because they are so thin and smooth and sleek and uniform :)

and they are SUPER long. way too long. u shoulda seen the looks on people's faces as i stomped through the city in my big engineer boots white pure white hair tangling in the wind :) and i wasn't scared of people today. i felt so confidant...and i guess that's the trick 'cause no one bugged me at all :)

i am SO happy! i just wish now that i hadn't dyed my hair yellow a few months ago so my real hair would have been less yellow and more white to match. i have been wanting long pure white hair down to my butt for ten years or more! i have this vision of white hair and a white suit and game show white teeth :)

i'll get there eventually!

and then i went on adventure's with my i-zone camera. hard to make that camera turn out right. but i got a few good ones as i ventured through churches as big as god down to a diner with a drunk insane one legged indian. but he was nice. and i filled my belly ful of eggs and hashbrowns as the waitress talked about the astral plane and how her landlord was an asshole for telling her to get rid of her parakeets.

very cool interesting day. ( except for the cab driver who gave me a speech about allah, and how i should be making children, and that my dogs have no souls or any capacity to love )
so i got a good walk in :) now i'm gonna stretch :)

more later... :)

9:17a i woke up for a sec 'cause i had such a headache. it must be the new hair. the first night of sleeping on them is always the hardest. so i took some aspirin and i'm drinking a diet dr. pepper. jason is still here 'cause he is waiting for a conference call with his biz associates.

i had another wild dream. i have been having so many lately. actually all my dreams are wild...but lately they are just so much more vivid and real usual.

it was a dream about good vs. evil. pretty straightforward. but there are a lot of details i will leave out simply because they are too hard 2 explain and are now getting fuzzy in my brain.
basically evil was a ton of horrible gross nasty people in a basement trying to get up the stairs and into the house. like imagine the most horrible obnoxious drooling psycho you've ever seen on a bus or at a bus stop. gargoyles and satan.

they all pushed full force and i had the door slammed closed on them. i couldn't get the little lock to lock and i held the door with the full force of my body back. i don't know how on earth i did it...but i did. i had about 4 people in the house with me that i was TRYING 2 get 2 help me hold the door. and they would come and hold the door lackadaisically ( sp? ) sometimes. then they would wander off somewhere just thinking that it was over and all ok or something. i don't know.

this went on for hours and hours. the door bulging..espoecially at the bottom. i got the little lock locked, but the door wanted to burst. there was a bit of a white plastic strip at the bottom of ths door...like the kind 2 keep back drafts. and somehow it had meaning in this dream that if i kind of took it and snapped it to a black colour...it meant something 2 me like coffee, particularily starbucks coffee. LOL :) which i never go 2 starbucks. i don't even think there is one in my neighbourhood and i rarely drink coffee, although i did have some yesterday at that diner.

ah..going back in time now...or maybe this was going on at the same time , a parallel time...
i was with 2 girl friends ( i never remember these friends specifically when i wake up)
and i discovered this scarf in a bin from the inner workings warehouse of ragstock ( which is a place i used to work that i had a lot of used clothes, etc...)
and it was very very very long. like maybe a block long or longer and we unrolled it like a script down a road and then the wind took it up into the sky like a kite. and it had empowering sentences on it. ( like love! joy! fulfillment! nothing less! but...said a lot more lofty and cool ). it was a gorgeous silk scarf and we vowed to each day meet and fly this scarf like a kite...running down the road..to affirm and manifest powerful beautiful changes in our lives.

then evil started trying to come up from the basement. one of the girls said we had to find the exact middle of this scarf, because whatever words were there, those would be the most powerful. so we thought together on what way would be the best way to find the middle. i thought that the best way would be to start folding the scarf so it was smaller. and for some reason they just didn't understand that , and i can't remember what they said would be best, but i didn't get their way either. so the scarf came to the ground and into a muddy road and got yucky.

oh ya..i also remember that one girl was holding the end of the scarf that was in the sky. and i was holding the scarf from the ground so she could fly..but we kept getting too near power lines to fly it.

back to the door to the basement...somehow all these evil people almost got out and it took all my strength to back them all back in and the door stripe at the bottom turned back to white...which i knew then they had that advantage over me. but i pushed and pushed and i pushed them so well the final time that they all fell down the stairs backwards and then i knew this was the time that i could finally seal the door well. i was actually on the stairs at this point. 1/2 way down. i had pushed them.
so i RAN up the stairs full force to get the door shut, get the lock locked , but most importantly, turn that stripe on the bottom of the door back to black.

as i ran up the stairs a little tiny red and blue puppy ran up the stairs with me saying "yippee!" he was so happy that he was free of the evil down there and could get out into the open.
so i got the door shut. locked it and turned the stripe to black and then i knew i had triumphed...and i saw myself then as a little girl wearing a red woollen top from the early 60's ( i like vintage clothes ) and that meant i was the winner.
and then it was kind of like big brother in that i had beat out everyone, and here i was, just this little girl and i WON. it was unprecedented.
that's when the other housemates, who sort of helped only when they felt like it..and when they did help, helped in a rather lame way...started to get furious because they thought we had all done it together, and now here i was taking all the glory.

so i saw myself take the red top off and say " oh ya, we all did it" , to the press.
which really bummed me out 'cause i really DID want it to be known that it WAS me that had done it. but i took myself down a notch 2 appease my housemates.
mostly i was just REALLY glad, tho, that evil had lost and was locked away.
and i started looking for the red and blue puppy 'cause i wanted him, and when i found him, he was in one of my roomates arms and he was a yellow kitten that was very wet and mewing a lot :)
and i knew i still wanted him and that pooka and deiter would love the cat :)

the door trying 2 be burst open has a lot of meaning for me ( besides the obvious ) because i had a rapist smash down my door once..and i was trying to hold the door and the door was bulging and cracking open, despite the lock on it.

and coffee, to me, is my obvious symbol to "WAKE UP!!! and be aware!"