anagram 10.08.99

feeling discontent. looking for happiness on the sun that shines through my windows and playing with the dogs and watching movies. clicking between one bbs and email account to another looking for something 2 sink my teeth into to pass the time to put off trying to go outside or do something i would consider productive. nothing appealed to me today except for the moment when the sun shone through and i played with the dogs on the floor taking in how content and in the moment they are. they are so zen. so joyful. if i reincarnate again i want to come back as a japanese chin or cat wandering through a great house with a yard. tomorrow i hope i'll finally get outside. i need to. i don't know why it's so hard for me to leave my house. it's ridiculous. i feel ridiculous. but i guess i must not want 2 go out there bad enough or else i'd go! trying not to struggle with what i think i SHOULD be doing..because these are the last nice weather days of the year and i know i'll soon be sad about how cold it is. i think tomorrow jason and i will go for a walk and see that movie "superstar". i''m glad i finally made some cool pix today. that always makes me happy then i feel "productive". i'm overthinking things i think. i'm not sure. it's complex or maybe it's really simple. whatever it is i hope i shake this feeling of discontentment soon. i am adamant 2 do so!

if anything , this site will make u laugh for sure! i need a good bout of hysterical laughter soon: www.cat-scan.com

here is some things i wrote in anarchy2:

the topic of geisha came up in anarchy2 and i wanted 2 bring the topic up here cause i think it's a really cool fascinating subject :) wasn't that a good thing on geisha's the other day on a&e?? i watched it twice! i wish i had recorded it but when it came on again i was all tucked in baed and i didn't know where my blank vcr tapes were. that was really fascinating! so much about geisha's i didn't know! i want to read that book that guy wrote "memoirs of a geisha" or something like that. then that woman who was the first non-asian geisha..she seemed very interesting! i want to lok her up on the net and find out more about her! i am so utterly fascinated with geishas! it's the only prostitution left where it is more like the "goddess worship" where it is an art. i didn't know that the word "geisha" meant "artist"!!!! i feel i must have been a geisha in a past life. it's just so fricking cool. i am fascinated with "servant as art form" although i don't know if a geisha is a servant, but in a way it's like that... but to me it's so much like a beautiful art form, where u are so IN TUNE with the one u are serving that u can provide whatever it is that person needs/wants without them even having to say it. yet still be almost invisible. just coming out of the woodwork , so to speak, to light the cigarette before that person even KNOWS they are going to smoke! it's like being psychic, totally in tune with the other person. i find it , in a way, the epitome of "grace" a word i am trying to understand more and more as i go through life. and to know that to be a "servant" is really just the flip side of being the "master". it's one and the same. in a way, the servant is really even MORE of a master because it is so graceful, loving, detached, in tune, flowing, so grounded...to do it with the highest amount of PRIDE in one's work/art. it really is one of the greatest most "zen" things one could be, in a way. do u know what i mean?

here is a strange conversation i've been having with someone via email:

he wrote:

ok ana, any good doctoral student does sum research and experiments. i've investigated the whole expereince of your site- as u suggested that i do. i also chatted in your room in one of four thematic positions- hostile, needy, spiritual, worshipful... (hostile posturing elicited more meaningful/ positive responses) as well as sending u a few emails in either "attacking/critsizing" or "apologetic/understanding" modes of expression. and i've come to a lot of meaningless conclusions-!!!!!!!!!! i'm fascinated - about how i "care" about u -- and then how that care of you and your life relates directly back to my need to be cared for. i still wonder what the experience is like for you- the easiest way to figure that out is to ask u what life would be like without ana- which i guess is a stupid question because i think that u have "become" ana. i dunno if u lived in LA i would hook you and jason up w/ some galleries- but i get the feeling that you are nt aware (in spite of your high iq) of how what u do fits into a fine art context. but on the other hand- by not caring you are not burdened by artworld bs. so yeah this is my last email to you- psychodynamically and artistically you are working on the cutting edge of issues like privacy, intimacy, persona, projection, surveillance, boredom, reality, and relationship... its too bad that u aren't informed about what u are doing - but then again andy always played stupid too.

i wrote back:

i'm not informed about what i'm doing??? LOL :) what? issues like boredom? how so? i did not ever "become' ana, i am ana...that is my name. no big mystery. it's not a "persona" i think i am quite aware of "fine art" :) ( despite my high IQ ) in fact, anacam is at MoMA right now :) but i am not concerned about how or where i fit into the world of art galleries, true. not because i don't CARE, but if i was concerned i'd never get anything done nor be true to myself. it's too much work to be concerned. but of course if ever i "fit in" anywhere, i'd be really happy! the way u write about me is so clinical and removed, imo. it's odd. it makes me feel like a bug under your microscope. :/ it doesn't make me feel like having a "dialogue" with u, although i am in a limited way. i wish you'd just let down your doctorate hair and just communicate without all the art school/pych. jargon :(

he wrote:

excellent about moma...that makes me smile. 1.issues like boredom- i find that a lot of people go on line when they are bored or avoiding boredom.. also-- 2.you wrote "just doing it because." yet what i have seen you do via your site is extremely sophisticated.. 3. "high iq" is a compliment. shit girl- your native intelligence has got to be off the scale.. 4. as far as fit in- i wrote that i thought you were on the cutting edge (thats a huge compliment) and i told u why 5.this is the problem- how to relate to you... i mean, i like you- u seem kinda brill(iant), but how do i get you to "see" me- on what field can we relate-- except up/down. i dont like up/down- 6. doctorate hair.... shit, u win. whem i'm on the computer its cause i'm workin' on my friggen dissertation- its hard to switch gears.. and by the way - i'm brilliant at what i'm doing- and my process of being in the room with people seems to me to mirror your process- i have to explain and justify mine (which is bs- so i was trying to learn from yours). thats why all the questions i used that language cause it says what it says- but i also sent mail that was just me talkin' (u asked about my pain) so- that's it. at night- when u sleep- those pictures are so moving- and the feelings of caring so real ( in me)-- u looked cold and i was like- shit ill send u $ for a blanket or heater... i put the language in a theoretical context- because what u are doing has profound implications- seriously ana- this is deep shit- its the way that u do it- there is something in your site (an energy- that is not in others) conversely- u only respond when i piss u off-why? and u dont even see the compliments. Why? so- do i have piss u off to have a dialogue? that sucks;( n tell me to fuk off- but at least acknowledge that what u are doing is deep. there is a way of being thats like being an urban shaman- i just put my energy in the room with someone and dance w their feelings- in a way i think u do that too- so i see u as a peer. thats why i been buggin' u - cause its a rare way to b.

i wrote:

ok, that email makes me feel better :) that was warm and to me more "real" thank u :) i will write u a better email later, i swear. but right now i must eat a pop tart :)

i wrote:

i guess i just get irked because u seem like u are a cool person but yet u do seem like u are trying 2 impress me with your intelliengence rather than impress me with your warmness and humaness. you are the one having the struggle with the "up/down" thing. not me. i get irked and reply to u because it seems like u are so close yet so far to getting what i'm doing. so i take the time to reply to u because you are not a "lost cause" like just "anyone" who would write me a stupid letter. but you are still just so judgement and assuming SO much. like that somehow i am not "ana'". or that i am some how "copping out" like andy warhol and playing a silly game of pretending to not understand what i'm doing. i do not toy with people. i was pissed that u were toying with me. TRYING to provoke me. actually going out of your way to poke at me and my friends to see what kind of response you will get. we are not lab animals. it is so easy to do these sorts of "experiments" online because it is easy to be removed even more so than in "real life". we are just text based life forms you will probably never meet. it is easy to hide behind a "nick" on the net. i am not some "tamigochi" for u to amuse yourself over why u "care" i AM a really living human. it's like i feel u are almost amused that i write back or are hurt. or my friends in the chat room. did u ever come in there as jus YOU..not as a " thematic positon"? did u just come in there as u and just talk like friends? you say nice things to me too, but how do i know that the things you tell me are real and not just a "attacking/critsizing" or "apologetic/understanding" modes of expression"? i am wary because i DO feel your struggle to show me yourself. i think in one way u do me see as seeing myself as "up" from u and perhaps your critisizing me is meant to being me "down a notch" so are are not coming from an angle of really trying to be my friend, with each compliment u also throw me a rather rotten criticism as a way to show to yourself that you are not merely "kissing my ass" this might be pyre projection on my part too. i don't know. i get a lot of weird email. i have thin skin for someone who also has thick skin. i take a lot of shit but i still hurt at stuff. especially i suppose when it is coming from someone who seems intelligent. i hope i am not being too harsh with you now. i am not sure. it is not clear. it is messy and sticky. i'm making this up as i go along. i'm just being totally uncensoring of what i say here. i guess because it is easy to do so since you are not in front of me. i can't see your eyes. i can't see your facial expressions. i can't see as u read this if u might flinch at my words. if i did i would proably feel terrible or something. i don't know if i'm making any sense. about boredom. a lot of people do go online for that...but it's just as prevalent as any other reason. ever person is so complex. you really CAN'T just say "boredom " to do so i think does a terrible injustice. also i don't see how doing something "just because" means it can't be sophisticated. what IS sophisticated anyway? "just because" is very simple yet very complex. just as the universe is everything and nothing at the same time. to just "be" is so simple yet so not. one doesn't have to have a big plan or artistic "statement" in order for it to be complex. it's improvised. there is no plan. there are no expectations.that's like saying free jazz is not sophisticated because it's "just because" thank u for your high iq compliment. i don't think i'd actually score very high on one of those tests because my iq i think is more about feelings and emotions and working with "energy" thank u for your compliments! i just get wary of things that have to do with tests and iq and such because that IS a very "up/down" way to think. and i prefer to try not to "buy" into that. how do u get me to "see" you is just be being TRUE. as true as u can be. "birds of a feather flock together" "if it's meant to be it's meant to be" i know that feeling well. i just try to be patient in knowing that there is no , time, space etc. in fact, i know that i can "work with/play with" people i adore but maybe never will meet in person. if our energies are similiar..then we have ALREADY met. then i already "see" u. it doesn't matter ( although i know it DOES ) if i ever se u ever in the normal sense of seeing. perhaps we already do work/play together in other dimensions? in the "dream world". we are already connected if we are of the same "energy" i think the best way to get someone to "see" u is to LOVE as pure and strong as possible. and do it with "nonattachment". just send me loving "energy". know that we are ALREADY together now if u LOVE me/the energy i am. i know that sounds frooty as hell. but that's where i am coming from. so many people are so afraid to LOVE something so completely. and it's not even about who i am but what do i represent to u? what do i inspire in u ? what part of u is YEARNING to expand and grow? BECOME what u see in me that u wish u were/are. or if u are already THERE then we are together now. does this make any sense? i know it sounds incredibly arrogant to say. lots of people cannot bear to think of it like that. we are so taught to NOT "worship" that the "stars" are "just like us" and not "special". oh man, i think i'm runniing out of steam here. i am interested in writing this to u because i am in the process of working this stuff out myself. so perhaps this isn't even where u ARE. could be i'm projecting everything i'm working out right now onto YOU. i will put at the end of this email i big thing that i wrote about my tori amos obession and perhaps that will explain where i am coming from moee clearly because i think right now i might be coming off as a really arrogant fruitcake! you wrote"i'm brilliant at what i'm doing- and my process of being in the room with people seems to me to mirror your process- i have to explain and justify mine (which is bs- so i was trying to learn from yours). thats why all the questions" is this sentence kind of about what i am talking about here? what do u mean" my process of being in the room with people seems to mirror to me your process"? that people look up to u in the way that people lok up to me? i am thinking that is what you are saying but i am not sure. i hope it is because if we are talking about the same thing then i'll be relieved :) since i am really fascinated with this "energy" stuff. and..i wish i could say it clearer. just the whole "worship/inspirational/jealousy" stuff. the surest way to push away the thing u want the most is to be jealousy of it and the best way to get what u love most is to LOVE it :) things love to be l,oved when it is the pure love. then the universe wants to give you back more and more of what u love. "i put the language in a theoretical context- because what u are doing has profound implications- seriously ana- this is deep shit-" thank u :) i think the best way to do "deep shit" is just to follow your heart and do it from deep inside of you. it has nothing to do with theory. it 's truth and love. it's about joy and following your deepest joy, imo. it is about asking yourself "what would u like to do most that would bring u the greatest joy?" "what would be most fun to do RIGHT NOW?" this is how i try to go about my life, when i am feeling lost..i ask myself a"what would be most joyful?" and whther that's eating a poptart or staring at a movie or taking nap..not matter how "unproductive"and nonlinear that may seem..to live life like is the "deep shit" it's "just because" that would be the most joyful. hmm, i suppose, ya....maybe that has nothing to do with sophistication. " you wrote: "its the way that u do it- there is something in your site (an energy- that is not in others) but at least acknowledge that what u are doing is deep. there is a way of being thats like being an urban shaman- i just put my energy in the room with someone and dance w their feelings- in a way i think u do that too- so i see u as a peer. thats why i been buggin' u - cause its a rare way to b. " ya..i guess that is what i was saying up there :) thank u for seeing the energy in me. and i must see the energy in u too, or i would not write u back. i see that u are teetering on the edge between the "scholol way of thinking"and the just "jumping over the cliff and soaring with your heart" BEING way. of course it's cool to have both ways , or infinite ways of thinking and being. but assuming that i am a'playing stupid" and then telling me that is jus gonna get me in a big riled up state because i pride myself in always ( as much as i can ) not playng any games an being very truthful and coming from the core of my being. i would not "play stupid" or do any such energy sucking useless games. stuff like that will just take the wind right out of your sails , so to speak and will get u nowhere fast, imo yet, maybe u jus think i was "playing stupid" because i would not answer u in detail right off the bat. i mean ,writing this to u takes an incedible amount of energy to do , but it is ENERGIZING to do if u put your energy into the right "outlets: so to speak so i was not going to just pour my guts and soul out to u and explain everything if u were just toying with me and just wanted me to spurt a bunch of stuff out at u for u to analyze like a bug. i don't like to be provoked for anyone's psychological amusement. do u see what i mean? i'm not even going to go back and read this now. i've been typping this out like mad and i'm not going to proofread this or censor it. i'll just cut and paste u the big "tori email" and put it on the end here and send this off. hopefully what i've said is of value to u ...sift throuh it and take what u like and discard the rest. :) it was good to type this out and NOW i will go eat a poptart

then i sent him the writing from the 092999 anagram about my tori "obsession"