anagram 09.30.99

hey, I wish I could say I was in a better mood than yesterday..well…I guess I am. I don't feel angry or volatile..i did get THAT out, I think :) I was just awakened by a nervous jason who had to go to work right that minute and he told me that the kitchen sink was mysteriously filling up with water and looked like it was about to overflow! so my groggy-out-of-it-self got up and called the fixer guy and he came up here and could not fix it. something is in our drain. so now roto rooter are coming by sometime today and my house is a mess so I'm embarrassed 2 have people over, even if it IS roto rooter! gadz.

and it's really cold in here so I turned the electric oven on. I have a space heater but it blows a lot of fuses :( it looks wet and grey outside. so I'm just so tired but can't go back to sleep and I'm cold. so I'm making this nagram to do something productive. sorry my cam has been so coring lately! I am just totally in this inward state. I am trying to shake myself out of it. it's not depression I don't think. it's something I'm not sure of.

I just feel clogged, so the fact that the kitchen sink is clogged is so symbolic. hopefully the symbolism will work the other way too..and when it becomes unclogged, I will too! I don't know much about chakras but I know the exist. and it feels like it a clogged something/chakra in the middle of my body. my heart I think. but it feels kind of everywhere. like I wrote in my caption last night " I need a psychic pipecleaner shoved down my energy spine" god, it IS weird that the kitchen sink is clogged and roto rooter are coming over! it's like the house caught my mental/spiritual vibe!

I gotta change outfits too…or I feel like I SHOULD. some old vibe sweatshirt and stripey pants! wel, no wait..that's not totally true cause lately it gets hot in my apartment after I turn on the oven, then I switch over to my tall cool kicking ass boots and nothing much else :) it feels great to stomp around the house naked with big tall boots on, my hair whipping all over the place :)

here is a happy thing, an archived show, my first ever "show" i did on emulive. my big sexy "rave in a bathtub" :) i don't have a link up to it yet...but it's here:
www.ana2.com/private/anamate/anamate1.html

some people have been confused on where to see the streaming video, and rightly so because it's in the cam menu under "cam1big" :) i WILL change it to say "streaming" :)
i haven't been talking in the chat room much there 'cause i'm almost always in #analove on irc.warped.net and it's hard to be in two chat rooms at the same time.

here is another happy thing, alfredson made a very cool song sampling my voice! here is what he write in anarchy about it:

"Posted by alfredson on September 29, 1999 at 19:08:37:
hi everybody.
just 2 inform you: my song "electronic pop" (which is not really electronic pop) featuring samples from anas voice (from the promo video thats on the multimedia partition of anavoog.com) is finally up at mp3.com.
go to : http://www.mp3.com/artists/38/lfredson.html to hear it! ( and hear his other great stuff! )

and yesterday was astroboy's birthday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASTROBOY!!!
and Haikucoos is coming up soon! maybe even today?
and AZMAN just had a birthday :)

but yesterday was also japan's worst nuclear accident :( and the news spoke of it kind of like the weather. very odd and scary. send light love and healing energy to japan if u have any 2 spare :)

the cams are not pointed at me right now because I feel too embarrassed that I'm wearing the same pajamas every day for hours on end. is that weird?

then yesterday I just blew a gasket ( what is a gasket anyway? ) and I posted a venomous tirade. don't read it if you are in a good mood. I'm a lot better now actually. I don't know what was my deal yesterday I just lost it!
so hear is the tirade, read at your own risk:

Posted by ANA on September 30, 1999 at 15:00:16:

i don't know why, but today i woke up and checked my messages and just was so pissed off at this one guy i went off on him. usually i just delete shit like that. i don't really get that much hate mail at all. but the little i get, it still gets under my skin. somedays more than others. today was a "more than other" day. and anacam is down. i need to calm the fuck down. i need acoke. but i have to go out to get some. so i'm runnning a bath so i can put on some clean clothes. i have a headache still a bit.
yesterday was a sucky head ache day.
i can see from the streaming video that my tub is full of water. so i better go shut the water off.
ok, now i'll probably type until the water is cold.
i'm just in a typing way lately. i'm not much in picture making mode. i am in typing mania mode.
first off. i was really dissapointed that most of the replies i recieved from my courtney email thing were people writing back to me how much they hate courtney.
god. why? why do people hate her so much? fuck that!
why do people say she is a liar? what? did she lie to THEM? do they KNOW her personally? fucking a!
it just PISSEES ME OFF TO NO END that people just believe EVERYTHING they read and hear without knowing about it AT ALL. everyone just goes to see a movie or reads an article then BAM, mass decision that this persn is stupid and this is person is good. can't they fucking see???? that they don't EVEN KNOW HER?
fuck. i mean the subject was about RAPE. hello? don't shoot the messenger. so fucking WHAT is she "went hollywood" or of u think she "sold out" or whatever the fuck. who THE FUCK CARES? especially when the subject is about RAPE! who the fuck CARES is she likes prada when the subject is rape. jesus fucking christ. get a GRIP!
she seems FINE to me. she seems HAPPY. i met her briefly. i thought she was fine. whatever! i don't fucking know her either. but i'm not going to make any big ass judgement until i've seen it from the horse's mouth.
and this UPSETS ME. because..and i am just coming from the aspect that IF I WERE HER..which i'm obviously NOT...if THAT many people had such a fucking horrid judgement of me..i don't care how wrong or stupoid they are..it HURTS! ya, it fucking does. who wants that kind of mass negative energy hurled at them?
NO she DID NOT kill kurt. GOD. GET A GRIP.
so kurt died. and that sucked. i was fucking sad. i fucking cried and i don't know why cause i wasn't a HUGE nirvana fan. but somehow it DID really effect me. but god, i'm not going to blame courtney for it. shit.
whatever. years have passed now.
god, people just IRRITATE ME today. everyday. today more so. i'm just sick of it. sick of the STUPID STUPID JUDGEMENTS. and it's all from FEAR. and i'm writing this because i FEAR the stupid people just like they somehow fear me. or courtney. or yoko. or madonna. or " insert strong woman who does what she wants and says what she wants with no apologies "
ya, i'll put myself in that categeory! wanna FIGHT about it asshole?
arghhhhhhhhhh.
so this stupid as fuck guy writes to me and sez the dame stupid bullshit they always say. "get a life your nothing but a whore" although he's been watching me for DAYS. days and nights. watching me sleeping in my big ol VIBE sweatshirt. oh sure dude, how CORRUPTING OF THE POOR CHILDREN. god forbid they should see a girl sleeping or typing. and we all know that young minds will be instantly corrupted at the site of someone taking a bath. instant corruption i tell u. they'll NEVER get over it. may as well just throw them into the psych ward after a picture like that! and we all don't want our tax dollars going for something like that! so let's just throw them on the street. and then let's CLEAN up the street so we can pretend it's not there. but let's get 5 billion helicoptors on that person if he decided to go on a shooting spree! and then let's blame it on people wearing black. or PRADA.
so i wrote this back to the jerk. because sometimes i get afraid back. sometimes like every day. fucking can't go OUTSIDE without mysogynists freaks freaking.
fuck.
"why do u think i am selling my body?
hmmm, i really think that says something about YOU.
since i am not the one watching my cam several nights in a row..thinking perverted thoughts...and YOU are...
i say that children should be kept awway from YOU.
i think YOU are the pervert. and YOU are the danger.
i hope you go see a psychiatrist
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people like YOU make me sick.
it's terribly tragic that you wander around jus looking for ways to trash people so u yourself can feel inferior. i'll bet this gives you some sort of high in that you feel all moral and mighty to stand up to me. LOL. me who is just a stationary picture on YOUR computer that YOU chose to go through.
why don't you do something TRULY uplifting to society by doing something good. instead of taking your free time up by feeling hateful thoughts at something you chose to look at.

do u think that by doing this you will somehow spread more love in the world?
do u think that because you said such rotten things to me that will now make me "see the light" and change and become a better person in your eyes?
why do you do this?
can't you see how muc HATE is in you?
so much FEAR?
some one or something must have really hurt you to react so strongly to a picture of a girl sleeping in a big sweatshirt.
you must really have a great fear and hurt in you.
i hope you will find a way that will truly heal yourself. because lashing out at others you don't even know will not quench your fear or make you feel love that you so desperately need it seems.

i am sorry that you hate your job so much that you feel hatred towards anyone who has JOY for theirs.
trashing others and writing hateful emil to strangers won't make your life any better. it will only make you feel worse.
i tink you just wanted to sart an argument with me so that you would feel more alive.
becaus i know when you sit up all these lonely nights surfing the web , staring at my picture for hours on end for days...that you are feeling lonely and lost.

you are feeling powerless and helpless to change your destiny.
i am sorry that your life sucks so much. you are desperately searching for a way out. but you can't find it. you push and push against your life looking for the door. where is the love? where is the "american dream"?
it was supposed to be better than this , wasn't it? and you are angry that you are not getting "your due"
why do YOU have to work SO HARD, while i lay in bed completely fulfilled. and i do NOTHING. NOTHING but have a REALLY GOOD TIME!
that really irks u doesn't it?
i am poisoning your world.

i am poisoning your perfect little american dream.

well, the fact is that YOU ARE the one. you are so wrapped up in your fear that you do not even recognize it anymore. i'll bet you wouldn't even know how to function without it. i'll bet you don't even feel alive unless you have something to HATE and push against.
push against your little hate so u can know you aren't just DEAD.

i write this to you because YOU SCARE ME.
you are the kind of man who hates women. you are the kind that rapes.
you are the kind that belittles us to try to keep us small so that you can control us because your fear of us is so great.
you are the one that starts wars. you are the one who slowly kills through hate and fear.
it is your kind that makes this world unsafe
and i wish you would realize it and put an end to it so the world would be a safer place for women to be."

augh. i hate when i get like this. or maybe it's just a necessary cycle after montghs of stupid emails, altough they are in the minority..it builds up after awhile. i dunno.
someday maybe i will learn to let it go through me rather than at me. ii think i AM getting better at it. i don't lash out as much as i did. i think i let it go through me a lot.
then ....somedays...i just let "them" have it, y'know?
somedays i let the shit hit the fan.
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ok, here is another one. it's not bad at all. it's just really stupid. in that, i think this person is trying to be " all deep" and stuff. why do some people think they can just ask me a bunch of really personal questions and that i'll answer them? like i'd take 5 hours out of my day to explain to them my innermost core?i mean i DO that...but when i do it it's to everyone not just one person 'cause it takes a LONG time to respond to some stuff and i'd like to get the most milage out of it y'know?
i get so many people writing to me that they are picking me as some sort of art project or something. so they just assume i will do their homework for them or something. like "hi, i have this art assigment. here are my questions" like i'm some sort of encyclopedia that will spew out the answers. like it doesn't take any effort on my part. i don't just walk up to people and say "hi, i think you've been sexually abused. have you? and tell me all about that"
wouldn't u just test the water first? wouldn't you just ASK if u could ask?"
ok...now i've gone and reread that person's email and they weren't DEMANDING anything fromme. so it's most likely my own super aggravation.
but..the email just SCREAMS "bullshit" to me.
i could be wrong. but it's just so fucking removed. so clinical. and that's what got me pissed. no one takes in the wholistic view. no real love or care taken. like i'm perhaps a real human underneath my "art"
just a bunch of "art-speak" mumbo jargo "so i can seem all sensitive and artistic and really down into the deep core..maaaan"
just fucking wake up. just fucking make your own fucking art and see ow THAT feels.
i know i'm just going on a tangent and then when u read the actual email you'll be like..why on earth wouold that upset her so much? maybe in a few hours after i read this i'll feel really stupid for having posted it.
whatever.
so here was the other email"
so, i saw your site - i'm an artist working on a piece that requires that i
become a shrink - you know - living sculpture and all that...
i'm wondering if you were sexually abused. sometimes when kids are abused
they become aware of their bodies differently - the way you invade your own
life/ privacy and the fact that your images (although good graphically) are
really quite cliche content wise...
i don't mean to be critical - you have a good eye but the images really have
less to do with you and are more emblematic of certain common experiences
and attachment to a specific kind of relationship to your body.
i wonder what comes up for you by not having the site - i wonder how the
site protects you from either anxiety or pain or boredom
no judgements on my part -
how we live has a lot to do with trying to come to terms/control/re-enact
early experiences.
i wrote because i felt something behind the images (strength and
vulnerability and hostility and denial)
regards
i appreciate your bravery and your authenticity"
so i wrote back:
"why do u think i was sexually abused?
what do u mean my images are cliche content-wise?
why do u think my privacy is invaded?
you wrote that my images have
less to do with me and are more emblematic of certain common experiences
and attachment to a specific kind of relationship to my body.
what do u mean by this?
what are the "certain common experiences"?
what "specfic kind of relationship to my body"? could you be specfic?
"emblematic" of what?
why do u think they have nothing to do with me?
if they have nothing to do with me, then what do they have to do with?
you wrote, "i wonder what comes up for you by not having the site - i wonder how the
site protects you from either anxiety or pain or boredom"
what do u mean "NOT having the site"?
why do u think the site protects me from something?
why would u think it protects me from anxiety or boredom?
why do u think i have anxiety? why do u think i'm bored?

you wrote,"no judgements on my part " i say...LOL :) ummm, i think you have made many judgements already or at least a great many assumptions.

you wrote,"how we live has a lot to do with trying to come to terms/control/re-enact
early experiences."
how so? can u give me an example of what u mean?
you wrote,
"i wrote because i felt something behind the images (strength and
vulnerability and hostility and denial)"
what images exactly? which ones to u do u feel strength?
which ones do u fell hostility?
which ones do u feel denial?
which ones do u feel vulnerability?
since you are the one who felt these things while looking at my images, don't you think that those feelings have more to do about YOU than i?

you wrote"i appreciate your bravery and your authenticity"
what makes you think i am brave?
what makes you think i am authentic?
what project are you working on that requires you to become a "shrink"
and how is a shrink "living sculpure and all that"?
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so i'm gonna go take a bath now. then i'm gonna go buy a coke and some food. then i'll reread this and wince