anagram 09.27.99

ohmigod! i made some cool pictures! how long has it been? jeez! these happened at like 5am after many smokes of u-know-what. i hardly ever do that. the stuff i had was a year old.

i'm listening to the new tori amos cd again. ok, GET THIS! i have BIG news! i probaly shouldn't even be announcing this in here but i'm too damn excited. but the possibilities look good that i'm going to get to interview/chat with tori amos online! just she and i together in a chat room. and with tori on a cam, too maybe! i am checking into what they want today. trying 2 get a feel for it. i just left a message on john witherspoon's cell phone asking for him to call me back so we can discuss it! i am SO BEYOND excited! what i had asked tori before is is she'd like to do an email interview, then i heard from john that she'd like to do a chat. maybe i can do both. because i really would like to ask her some questions that she had some time to really think about and get back to me on them in her leisure time ( ya, right...whe is she gonna have leisure time? but u know what i mean!) i'm just not going to believe that by talking about this i'm going to "jinx" it or something. but it's true, things could fall through. who knows? the nature of the "entertainment industry" is flighty. but i feel strongly that this will happen and i want to share my joy about it NOW! :) hehe :)
can u imagine? i am FLIPPING! how cool is that? i am SO honoured beyond infinite!

in other news, i am waiting for thecable company to show up and fix something. it's one of those "we'll be there sometime from 8am-5pm deals" they have 1 1/2 hours left to get here. maybe they came already and somehow i missed it because i was asleep. i didn't go to sleep until 6am so i slept until 1:30pm. but if they had called or knocked , deiter would have barked nad that would have woke me up.

63 degrees.

talking with shane from interotique on icq today. exchanging ideas. i sent him the file of my one "erotic show" i did on emulive and he put it on his server, now i need to figure out how to make a page so u all can have access to it. i have a bunch of stuff i've saved. i hope i don't drive him nuts sending him little files all the time. interotique redeigned their site. freepop did it! he has done a lot of beautiful anapix. . u should check out the redesign it's really pretty :) and i made a new banner for them which is my fave so far :) i was watching grace at interotique last night. man she is so classically gorgeous it's not even funny! bad kitty stopped by in my chat last night and i'm going to make a big effort to check her out too. she is swanky and looks almost like betty page!

the sun is shining on me now. yummy :)

i am thinking of starting a a thing where i read you all a bedtime story with the realplayer. what do u think> what time do u want your bedtime story read to u? post in anarchy the time u would prefer it and what time zone u live in. i am thinking around 8pm CST would be a good time. what do u think? and then shane brought up to me the idea of reading erotica while all gussied up in a nice erotic thang. i think i would like to do that, too. i have never read much erotica before, so i don't even know what i would like to read. do u have any suggestions?

i hate that the days are getting shorter now :( *cry

*
i don't know if i mentioned thi yet, but go look at this: www.big-brother.nl i wish i could read dutch. it's 24 cams, 4 streaming feeds, 12 people. each week one person gets voted out to leave and a new person arrives. u can see each person's "ratings" and i can't wait until hereandnow.net starts back up again. it's going to be all new roomates plus 9 video fees and i think a live editing crew. wow. talk about BIG BUCKS.

i am feeling weird about my cams lately because i have so many now that it's hard for me to know where to concentrate my energies. what i would like is MORE cams all tiled up that i don't pay attention to, the surveillance kind...as many as it takes to cover the whole house so i don't have to THINK about whether or not i remembered to point all the cams in my direction when i move across the room or into a new room. it's too many damn cords criss crossing all over the floor getting super tangled. so what i need is MORE cams that are stationary that i don't have to think about or worry about. then just have TWO cams that i do "art" with and play with. i think about two is what i can handle to actually pay atttention to. i guess slowly but surely i'll get there eventually. right now it's 4cams on ana2 plus anacam, plus streaming. it's just enough to confuse me and drive me nuts but not enough that it covers all the ground so i don't have to worry about them. i'll figure it out. but sometimes i think i'd like to just go back to the simplicity of one cam. i don't think i'll do that. but i still think about it.

i'm sad that hardly anyone said a word about the hundreds of anapix i put up in the archive, or the archive i put in arcana on anacam, or the sample anagram i put up on anacam. no one really said anything! it's so bizarre. i work on that stuff for days and i get so excited then no reaction. odd. now i'm not writing that so that now u will give me a reaction, i'm just writing it cause i write about stuff i think about. and that's one of the curiouser things.

i did get a lot of positive response from my tori story tho :) which really made me happy 'cause that was a big tender thing to share :) i am very glad i shared it :)
then i sent off an email that courtney love sent a reporter, but no one said muc of that at all. i got back one cool response and one REALLY ugly mysogynist response that really disturbed me. about how all the girls that get raped are the bottom of the barrrel and really stupid. god i was an awful email. i just wrote back " i hope you were JOKING or u are SERIOUSLY FUCT!"

interesting that my tori story was one side of "groupieness" and the courtney love story is an all together evil side of it. just goes to show u how u can work the energy both ways...adoration and love..and how much adoration and love u have for YOURSELF. u can use your power of adoration for another to uplift you to the energy level of the person u are adoring...or u can see yourself as only basking in the glow of others..having no light of your own...it becomes sad and self-destructive. here is the email from cortney love:

A message from Courtney Love follows...
any feedback is welcome and appreciated. read on..
From: undisclosed Sent:
Saturday, August 28, 1999 6:01 PM
Subject: Re: A CALL TO ARMS.....

Okay im going to weigh in on this. Ive been thinking about it for a few weeks, and im in Mexico, doing my other job, but this Woodstock business has weighed heavy on me. Heres what i think; I think theres been a seachange lately in "rock". It started for me at the KROQ Acoustic christmas. Who the hell were these sort of Def Lepard chicks in the front row in white pants with the nineties version of feathered hair ( it still IS feathered hair) absouloutly bored and frightened of us? I havent seen that wierd face on a girl in the front row since 1990, its that, "my boyfriend told me your a freak" face or the "You dont have a cock and are therefore useless to me" face- wich is essentially true if youre these girls- i cant marry them and im certainly not going to buy them any more white pants ......some Prada maybe......I couldnt figure it and it REALLY caught me by surprise.....they were absouloutly old school 100% groupie girls and they wanted to be. wierd. obsolete , i thought. What the hell i thought. why would anyone want to have that energy in 1999 and WHO the hell is around to service them? (NIN not being on tour -we all know how i felt about the exploited groupies on the NIN tour. The girl in Ann Arbor who was underaged and serviced the band bus then switched at a truck stop to the crew bus, then >> was left in the Mezzanine of the Ritz Carlton,in Chicago, where she was abandoned and had to hitchike home an d was raped. She was 16 years old. ) and THEN it hit me. .Korn. Somehow we were playing UNDER Korn, i had been too lazy to whine about the billing, and kevin from KROQ is so suppportive of us i just do what he wants ,within reason. yeah ,well, stupid me, cos now im stuck with a front row full of these girls who really really really dont want to play guitar or drums and really DO spend alot of time on thier hair. BUT, im trying to do the math on this. Korn is "alternative"- the singer is a sweet sexually conflicted guy with an amazing voice, i dont really think he loathes women. i think he barely notices them. The rest of the band run the average boyband gamut from arrogant to gangster to sweetheart ( no math boys for me to even really talk to but theyre nice enough fellows) So I play a lame show and go off on them some, and i go backstage super super confused. KROQ my people, my community where a womans brain is her most important asset sort of- i know its loose, but compared to say groupie dinosaur bands like NIN or GnR, the KROQ backstage is normally a brain trust, Metallica dont do the groupie thing- even Manson and his kids seem pretty sensitive about the way women are on tour- theres lots of girls but they tell me they are treated well and basically one girl told me dressing up to fuck a band member(in Manson) is sort of her Carnival comes to town sex fantasy- Ill be Mary Magdalene and ill sleep with the Antichrist. Sounds fair to me. As long as she brings her cab fare. anyway, im walking around and these chicks are everywhere!! Alot of old ones alot of new ones, alot of strippers, so I conclude that Korn- who arent actually SEXY people per se; for whatever Mysterious reason tap into this repressed groupie collective. these chicks havent been out in a while theyre a bit of an obsolete breed and maybe they finally- after allthese years- found a band to put on the dog for.I dont get it , i dont love it, but i accept it. Ah But theres more, the plot thickens. So the next thing were in Australia, were not playing Under Korn were headlining the Big Day Out and they are third, and i dont see these girls in the front row again- i see groovy girls with bunny ears and i see goth girls with bad attitudes and i see the usual jock boys who muscle to the front- its a scary scary place the front , and the laws of nature dictate that the strongest people with the most desire to show off are going to get to the front so they are always there- squishing and pinching boobies, thats sort of the nature of the pit. You get your boobies pinched and you slap him. the end. But creeping around the edges are the Korn PEOPLE, the Korn MANAGEMENT team, and i do mean "creeping" cos theyre creeps. Big ones. i dont mean just Mysoginist- but oily. These are also the Limp Bizkit people, just so youll see where this is going. At one point i have the singer and bass player from Korn in my dressing room and, knowing these are working class guys from Bakersfield who are probably getting really screwed regarding their publishing and thier royalty rates, i want to extend my knowledge- wich is alot - about such matters. One of their people is present. I ask them did they sell thier publishing? Yes they say. for how much i ask? they name an astonishingly low sum. i look at the "person" what the fuck is THAT? i ask. Your partner went to Harvard for THAT.? after a few more questions i realise that Korns situation with its management is beyond pathetic. Thier people own them in ways unimaginable in 1999- 1952 yes, but not now. They are essentially;slaves. slaves with Rolexes and groupies purchased for them by their "people" So these guys have obviously been suckered massively- they dont know what the hell is going on, and their "person" is giving me a headache and a hairy eyeball for my enlightenment session. It worries me,korn getting ripped off and these groupies are somehow part of it- i just know it but i havent figured it all out yet. Is this some Suge Knight fallout? i wonder, pussy instead of cash? How is it here in rock? i thought it was a rap problem. oh yeah but raps crossed over, i guess korn have a sort of rap vibe to them, and Limp Bizket....are they doing business like rappers? getting screwed like rappers- who are famously ripped off and left penniless constantly ( read "have Gun Will Travel") So on the eve of the second Big Day Out i go back to the hotel and there they are! The groupies are back. or hookers. or strippers. theyre here and they ALL look miserable. I remember this routine from the heavy metal years....theyre waiting to get PICKED!!!! I cannot fucking believe my eyes , as i say hello, look at the floor and get my key. So embarassed. i see the "People" wrangling chicks for the band and themselves. I see some of the girls looking at me like theyre embarassed to be caught doing this sort of thing. I dont look back at them im ashamed.YUCK. I go to sleep disturbed as hell. But what can i do.? Im gonna sound like a priss if i say anything. When i said something in the NIN tour i got called all sorts of names, and as punishment ended up sleeping with that singer. which, even though it was over in a second, has just haunted me- a real season in mysoginist hell. I havent seen any mis behaviour, just 25 miserable women in the lobby waiting to give head, theyll say "boys will be boys" theyll say im being a bore so i shut my mouth. The next afternoon i go downstairs , i walk throught he lobby and i hear my name - wailed- in wretched voice- i whip around, here in front of me is a bedraggled girl-18 maybe younger. One of Korns security "people" is dragging her. "Courtney "she screams"they raped me Courtney" Okay NOW im pissed. Now im fucking mad,okay? NOW im pissed. But the truth is im pissed at HER. i pause at that. Yeah i am ,im pissed at her. Cos I know everythings shes gonna say before she says it. And saint Courtney the Avenging Angel is going to do what? Kick thier asses?Make a scene? What the hell do these guys know? They arent smart like Trent is ( wich is what makes his Chick thing all the more evil) They were lucky to get laid Ever once before they were famous-come On! Theyre from BAKERSFIELD! So i turn around all full of piss and vinegar and i look at this poor kid and i just , i dont know i just melt, The Korn "person" is saying "Just ignore her Miss Love she was stalking a band member" yeah right, is that why her clothes are torn? is that why shes got scratches on her? is that why she has a laminate dangling down? Is that why her eyeliner and lipstick applied so carefully last night- maybe she thought, Im going to have sex with a travellin g musician its going to be so glamourous,maybe hell fall in love with me, maybe hell take me back to LA with him, maybe ill be his girlfriend-is smeared all over her face? Did she get to have an Orgasm? Hell no from the looks of it. I grab her from him. he grabs her back Bozo KNOWS hes in some shit- plus my security person is bigger than him. "They raped me" shes sobbing "what did you think they would do?" i ask her-sternly i feel like a fucking parole officer- its so weird. she doesn't answer. she gulps, she sobbing. and then she names the person. and LO AND BEHOLD, its one of the Korn "People" - You knew this was coming right? And all of the sudden she turns into a negotiation, shes no longer a person. " i swear she crazy Miss Love ," (he wants me to drop it desperately) For whatever reason i start to believe this guy- itd be a lot easier-but he continues"who'd touch her? Shes a dog" OKAY NOW IM REALLY FUCKING PISSED. I get the girl a bunch of money to go home,i make her swear shes going to make a police report , and i leave when i get to the venue i storm by the Korn "People" what can i do? Tell me what the hell im supposed to do? i dont know if anyone raped her, i wasnt there, you tell me what i was supposed to do? Ive got alot of power, i know i do, but SHE was in the lobby, she got "picked"- SHE put herself there. Or maybe the "people" thought she was a tasty young thing and they put her there. either way she attended the ceremony. Well, variations of this same story happened for the whole 2 weeks- girls storming at me in lobbies ,in parking lots,in the STORE, with a Korn Komplaint, I started to shrug, i told them to get guitars, what the fuck? Officer Kortney Korn KOmplaint "they exploited me. those guys in Korn used me" It was incessent and id listen and be polite, and feel empathy, but really i was pissed at these girls for getting suckered. And they always had really nice hair. Long . (An expression of the acquirers taste?) And whats intersting is it DID NOT happen on the -aborted- Manson tour. Youd think? Right? but they seem to treat women pretty well as ive said,maybe they like thier Moms , or maybe most importantly, thier "People" are so occupied with Trent, that they dont pimp at them, i say "at" instead of "For" because >> i think this pimping business is control within the Korn/LimpBizket nexus. I dont think these guys "demand" picking sessions, i think they think that its a normal "rock" activity,i think these guys get these kids so much nookie they dont know what to do with it, The singer of korn described big decadent scenes that sounded cool and funny but only if everyone is really participating, and I think it sends out a 'vibe' and i think that vibe is foul and it stinks. I thin k audiences pick up on that vibe or image- that its Ok to disabuse and degrade us. I think the head"Person" of the Korn/LimpBizket ( and amazingly the Backstreet boys i dont even want to THINK about that) needs to cool his shit out or im going to start naming him, out loud and everywhere, and whats he going to do? Not ask us on the Family Values tour? Make it wierd at Interscope? better is he going to say im a crazy stalker groupie? uhhuh. ok baby.Ive stayed awake at night thinking about these poor stupid girls, and praying that these guys will get some terrifying girlfriends soon so this shit stops. and after Woodstock i just feel the SOURCE of this rape environment is buried somehow in this story- because this did not happen before now, since 91. Maybe im crazy ,maybe somehow, all of the sudden the boys got really fed up with all the singer songwriter girls and all the gentle emo alternative bands, i would if i was raging with testorone ( I actually am raging with testoterone: my gynocologist told me) damm straight i'd seek out a boy band where No Girls Allowed was the deal, Ive dealt with raging testoterone audiences and I can RELATE to them, I think the problem here is that us girls still think were "allowed" at a Limp Bizket show like we were at Nirvana, so its a card trick, Woodstock. And i turned it down .The truth is i had a bad bad feeling about it, and if idve been there i wouldve taken off my shirt, damm straight, and that probably would have made things worse anyway- the intention would have been to fuck with their heads but theydve just thought i was stripping. So what to do? who knows. Cool the "person" out specifically. i think. and dont go mosh at these guys shows. and maybe we will go on the Family values tour just to get some estrogen in there as they all seem to TRY and behave when im around. I really dont know. you tell me.