anagram 09.23.99

this is a text only anagram 'cause all i did today was type. from the second i woke up at 1pm until now , 9pm. this is an email i sent off to richard sharah, the make up artist in australia. i mentioned him a lot on a few anagrams awhile back. i hope you'll be able to follow the continuity of this. first i wrote this to ben greenman, then i added to it and sent it to my mailing list,then i added to it more and sent it to tori amos, then i added to it SUPER much and sent it to richard sharah, which is what u have here. now i'm adding to it again and putting it in here. i am kind of scared to show it to you because this is all so close to my heart. i am baring more in this anagram than i have in a lot more of my others. i just don't want to be considered...well, really weird in a bad way. but i thought it might be cool for someone to read this because i do think it is interesting for a bunch of reasons. well, i shouldn't preface anymore. lol. i could just keep adding to this all night and elaborating inbetween each one of these sentences til the cows come home. let me know if u think i'm just bloody nuts!

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hi :)
i have been emailing today...first i emailed back this guy who interviewed me for yahoo internet life magazine ( yahoo's magazine) there is a big article about me in the october issue, i'm even on the cover..but the photos of me are THEE worst ones EVER taken of me cause i was really sick that day and totally NOT in the mood to get my photo taken. so my lesson is now learned that i will never get my photo taken again if i'm not in the mood to do it because the result is not good but i'm really glad for the article! they said they have 3.5 million readers or something!
i am TOTALLY hyper today. so i wrote to ben, then i copied that and sent it to my mailing list..but then i copied it again and added to it and sent it to tori amos, and now i'm copying it again and sending it to u!

i saw tori amos in concert the other day. and i finally got to talk to her for maybe an hour after the show! pure heaven! she gave me her private email address so i feel like i have the holy grail. as u can tell, i worship her! she is a faerie being, too. she and i are exactly the same height. have u ever met her? if u did u will FLIP OUT!!! because she is THEE most amazing creature i have ever met, too. tori and you are the most precious and amazing creatures i have ever had the honour to meet. it is inspirational! i met her long ago when she was on tour for her first record "little earthquakes". she played at a smallish place ( smallish compared to where she plays now..which is a stadium ). and at the time i was at a crossroads in my life. a place where either i was going to go more "her route" or the route of this all girl band called "babes in toyland", which was angry angry punk music. i loved both energies very much but i knew i had to choose which way. ( at least that is how i felt at the time..now i see i could probably go as many energy ways as i want ). and tori's record was EERILY like kate bush, who i adore completely. somehow going to see tori was like seeing kate bush. as if tori took all the "unused kate bush touring energy" that kate bush had decided not to ingest..but tori took it and ran with it. i don't know if that makes any sense to u. now i can't see kate in tori anymore..i just see tori.
anyway...i needed BADLY a magic wand to touch me with a big approving "ding" by someone that i adored. like a thing knighting me saying " I SEE U , you ARE special...it's NOT just in your grandiose imagination because i recognize it"

so i watched her play on the stage and i was just all in tears the whole time. it was sheer raw beauty. and since i knew everyone who worked at that club, i got backstage to meet her afterwards. and i tell u it WAS magickal. and i don't tell many people this story because i know it's sounds crazy and obsessed and too grandiose, but it WAS one of the highlights in my life. well, i walked through the door into the little room backstage. i'd been back there a million times with a million bands. and i KNOW that when u walk in there no one pays a bit of attention because everyone is talking super much with everyone else. but THIS time i walked in there and i SWEAR to u that everyone hushed and turned around and PARTED like the red sea and made this path right to tori amos! i know that sounds completely crazy! but it HAPPENED, i'm not kidding u! i wish i could relive it again just to see if that was only my imagination. but i swear it was really like that.
well, this path was there and i just walked towards her and she was looking and smiling at me the whole time , her eyes just sparkling like MAD. i can hardly even type this it was such a crazy powerful thing! i walked up to her and was so shy, i had blood red hair then. and i said "i'm a minister's daughter and i believe in faeries , too" ( she says that faerie live in her stomache and she always thanks the faeries on her records ). well, i felt like such a DORK. ( do u use the word "dork" in australia?) but she just said "you DO?" and smiled and smiled and twinkled and twinkled at me! and HUGGED me! and i told her i'd been a stripper for some reason which she thought was totally fascinating, she smiled wickedly and said "oh, i've always wanted to do that.. was it fun?" and i said "ya, sometimes it as!" and just sparkled! then she said ( and this is before i got signed to columbia records my first major label deal) she said..."i don't know why i'm doing this , because it's something i never do..but for some reason i want to give u my manager's address, arthur spivak, and i want u to send me a tape of your music and i will give it to my label" . so i was completely floored. and i was given the magical "ding" of approval i so much needed. ! i was flying around on that energy...well, i STILL am! jus that memory or energy or energy that comes from remembering that..however that works...just gave me fuel to move forward. whenever i feel sad or down i remember and know "tori likes me!" and i feel somehow better. now i know that sounds completely fanatical like she's the dali lama or something. i know i have that energy in me too and all that blah blah blah. but some people ARE just more "evolved" than u are...and i recognize that and pay great respects and it inspires me. i tell this stuff to my manager , bobby z, and he thinks i'm a nut 'cause he has met all his "heros" and knows they are human like he is and all that. bla blah. well, i know she's human...!!! but i think he just has to meet her because meeting her is WAY cooler than meeting eric clapton or ringo or whatever great guy heros he had. it's just a TOTALLY different energy. i KNOW eric clapton is "just a guy" lol :)
ok, i know that sounds really arrogant of me, but that is just the way i see it/feel it. do u know what i mean? i am hoping that u can see behind my words and know that i'm not crazy and know i'm not saying that some people are BETTER than others. and there is no "higher" but u know what i mean...there IS a "higher" somehow...in this 3d world..i guess that is how i experience it so i can express it. do u know what i mean? i sure hope so.

ok, so going back again. after her concert was a babes in toyland concert out in this park near my house. and i had a mad crush on the singer Kat Bjelland. they were filming a video where kat asked many girls to dress up like her "dopellganger". so i did that.,.which i thought was funny and ironic since i did dress like her..or she like me..anyway...it all happened at once that there were a few women "in rock" that had that "baby doll dress wearing" thing going, kat and courtney love were the biggest known. it was always said in the press that one was copying the other. well, i was another one but totally unknown so no one paid attention to that. i think we just came across the same style at the same time because of the "collective unconscious" or whatever u want to call it. no one was copying anyone..it was just "in the air then" this powerful symbol of a little girl really pissed off and reclaiming her own sexuality and anger. things like that happen to me all the time. like i think as soon as i think a thought...or as soon as anyone thinks a thought...it goes out into the "ether" grid thing and starts it's own "life" and those of similiar energy pick up on that thought if they want yo then incorporate it into their being like they thought it up themselves. maybe they did think it up themselves since all time is now everything is happening at the same time anyway.
like the cover for my last cd WAS going to be exactly almost like bjork's..the one where she is dressed up like the space geisha. i told bobby z my idea for the cover. i said i wanted to be a geisha with long fake fingernails and my hair in buns on the side like princess leigh from star wars and i want to be wearing mirrored contacts lenses and i wanted it totally cyber. and i drew it out for him. but my record took so long to come out that bjork did that cover before me. she is a space geisha with long fingernails and her hair just like that and mirrored contacts! bobby z saw the cover first and phoned me up telling me about it totally freaked out and he said that now he knew what i meant when i said that i think thoughts and others pick up on them and do them if i don't get to them in time. or it could be the exact opposite.. like bjork thought of it first then i picked up on her thought. or it is most likely the simultaneous thing. it happens to me all the time, but to say it out loud, i sound crazy.

so back to the babes in toyland show....i don't know what i was expecting but it was just an awful negative experience that day and i got a terrible headache that day in the middle of it all and i never ended up being in the video anyway. and kat never talk to me much. i don't know why. it's just really super uncomfortable whenever i'm around her..like she doesn't wish to ever see me, and i don't know why. i don't know if i did something to make her mad or what. maybe it's just that she felt my yearning to get tp know her and she was repulsed by that. i hate when that happens. i hope i wan't being glommy or something in any way. i always tried to give her her "space". but i'm really "uncool" in that hen i really love someone i shine it all over the place, i don't just act all cool and stuff. i get giddy. i get happy. i can't do the gloomy detached heroine thing. i just adored her to pieces. because it was her that also split open a big reality in my head. man, was that ever heavy. this is too long a story! no WONDER i never write it down!
ok, prefacing once again that thought....my first boyfriend that i ever went out with at age 17 for 4 years was a total mind control brainwashing guy. i mean..he TOTALLY brainwashed me into thinking anything that wasn't from 1964-69 was evil. literally evil. i was a synth loving new waver when he met me and by the end i was a 1966 mod girl with a rickenbacher. i had it DOWN.
so when he finally left me i didn't know who i was, because i had become everything i thought he wanted me to be. REALLY fuct up. but i'm glad the history lesson from the 60's i did learn a lot but at a great expense.
i guess the best thing i gained from that experience is that i never take for granted my own individuality, whereas before it wasn't anything i thought about. i was just me and took it for granted that i was. so after we broke up, i was wandering through 7th st. entry very very drunk trying out the "punk" energy or something.
and i happened upon babes in toyland who were playing and it was like a brick smashing through my facade that i didn't even know i had made. i knew that all the little pop mod songs i had written was a lie. and i knew that whatever it was that i was right then was a total lie. and after that show i didn't even want to wear clothes because i didn't know if it was me who liked that outfit or ed ( the x boyfriend) . when i picked up a magazine i didn't know if it was me having an opinion about that article or ed. it was the weirdest feeling to have "lost yourself" it was creepy. it was the creepiest thing ever!
so i had to try on a bunch of stuff before i found myself again. now i'm ok with all the parts of me and all the contradictions.

so anyway, i went the tori energy route instead of the babes in toyland energy route because it was pretty obvious which one felt better to me!
but i did do acid with kat in the glorious cemetary on the perfect day when they rake all the leaves into big piles. i am very glad for that day. it was perfect :)
she had just gotten signed to warner brothers and had bought a big king sized bed and television with her advance and she was so happy :) so it was cool when i got signed and bought a big tv too...lol....i was like..hey..this is kind of what kat must have felt like. it was so nice :) anyway....i'll never forget that day nad how the sun was shining on her bed with the new girdle that she was going to wear for her new boyfriend from gallon drunk.

so i made tori a glitter box with magical toys and sprinkles inside...i had a little miniature white grand piano i put in there. i painted nectarine seeds with lavender paint and glitter. so many little surprises. i heard back from her about a year later saying that i was on the list for her show at the state theater. she was playing two times that night. i don't know how she does it. i did the tiniest amount of acid that night just to tweak everything ( ok, now i've mentioned acid twice! i actually haven't done acid in years!) after the show i was invited backstage just for a short time. there was another person backstage, too..and i found out it was neil gammon (sp? ) who is the creator of the sandman comic that i never read because it reminds me of the bad violent vampire boyfriend i had for 4 years after ed.

anyway...so tori saw me and she literally came running and she twirled me around and hugged me and said "Look at you! you're just shining! ooo i just adorrrrrrrrrre you!" which just makes my hair stand on end everytime i think about it! i mean, how special is THAT??? it's like being in love and u find out that they like u back just as much!

and i bought this grey long sleeved t shirt with a picture of her on it, all curled up small sleeping. i said i'd wear it for pajamas ( cause it's a really big shirt on me) when i went on tour. i told her i got signed to columbia. and she was glad and said that she'd be curled up on my stomache sleeping with me when i wore the shirt. i didn't know what she meant at the time, but then i put the shirt on and saw that when u wear it she is curled up on your stomache. just like the faeries that she says live in her stomache :)

then she came to town again and played the northrup, an even bigger place. it was either there or the orpheum. i always get those two places mixed up.
( ok, my hand is getting really tired from typing now..but i've got to continue cause i never wrote this all down before...i hope u don't mind and i hope u aren't getting bored and i hope u don't think i'm crazy!! )

ok, i think i'm running out of steam now....and sad because ALL of that was a preface to what i REALLY wanted to say...but i had to give u some of the background before u would understand where i'm coming from!

long story short ( ya, right! ) i got to see her again finally cause i didn't see her at the show right before the one that she just had here last week. i saw her concert but didn't have a pass backstage..which made me sad..but i thought well, that's ok.. cause i did get to meet her and i'm sure she is super super busy and i'm sure i'm not always on the priority list,. i certainly know what it's like to be on tour and not want to see anyone because u are exhausted. and i may just be reading into it like an obsessed groupie, but it felt like her energy that night on stage WAS a " i don't want to see anyone after the show" kind of energy. like those two energies just didn't mix well. so it was all well and good that i didn't see her because everything happens at it's perfect time and all that.

but i wanted to get to her the message that my name had been changed to ana voog and i now had this incredibly fun and wildy popluar website!
so i'd be in NYC and a woman who was doing my make up for a thing for tv that never did air...told me that she was doing make up for tori amos the following week, so i told her to PLEASE tell tori that now my name was ana voog. but i guess that message never got to her!
then after her show, the one i did not have backstage passes for...i gave the sounguy my cd and told him to give it to tori and wrote her a note explaining. but i guess that never got to her! i don't know WHY that one didn't get to her! oh well!

so then just recently jason ( my boyfriend ) was on his way to work and he heard on the radio that the radio station was giving away tickets to a special small private tori thing before her concert. and i knew i wouldn't want to just sit there listening to the radio station trying to win. i can't get any radio stations in at my apartment anyway, i don't know why.
so i called up bobby and i said PUH_LEEEEEZ get me into this mini tori concert! because it was happening at oarfin recording studios where i last recorded my cd. so i knew there was a way! well, then HE had trouble getting me in because the radio station was afraid i might do something weird to tori or the event!!! so, i'm like WHAT??? i guess they are freaked about my cam and avant garde-ness or something! this city is so backwards. well, anyway..bobby got me in anyway cause he promised them i wouldn't bring my cam or do anything weird. LOL! like i'm andy kaufmann or something? THEY are weird!

so it was at noon last week this happened. i took a cab all the way there cause i can't deal with the bus. so that was twenty bucks but well worth it!
and i went in and sat down in the chair in the middle in the front by the piano while everyone else was in the lobby rummaging through some bowls of chips.
everyone, i felt, was eyeing me nervously. and i overheard someone say that tori wouldn't want anyone in the rom while she sound checked. the room i was sitting in. and i was nervously sitting in the chair writing tori a big letter into a tiny spice girls notebook. trying to condense to her all the things that had happened to me, which is impossible. and i'm trying to keep my handwriting steady writing on my knee my hand all shaky from eating no food before i got there. and then IN walks tori! and i know she is as small as i am but everytime i am surprised to see how small she is...because i am not used to being around anyone as small as i. and i look at her and say hi and she says hi back in a quick way then she does a double take and says "HIIIIiiiiii!!!!" and she recognizes me! and i am so glad! and she asks me how i am and i tell her i'm writing it all in the notebook as i point at it. so i try to talk to her but i am so nervous and i tell her my mind is racing really fast and goes faster than my mouth can speak so i'm tripping on my words. and she laughs and nods. and then i get to STAY in the room as she does a little soundcheck which pleases me greatly cause i hope that whoever it was that thought i was too weird to be there recognizes this and eats their words. because that made me feel so bad. when i heard those words i was hurled back into time back to how i felt when i was on radioactive and everyone didn't trust me and was always testing me and looking at me under a microscope. and i told tori that they had said that and so she went right out there and told everyone out there that she'd known me for YEARS and i know it's just so silly but it really meant a lot to me. funny how things can effect u.

all my insecurities can leak in. i'm hardly immune. and i feel so stupid when they do. but there u have it.

so i got backstage passes again. she was playing that night at the target center co-billing with alanis morrisette. and instead of the silent reverence from the crowd that i'm used to when i see tori..it was non stop screaming. i just wanted to punch this girl right behind me but my happiness to be there at all won out and i didn't punch her. so after tori's show i found the way to the backstage doors. i was with my friend carolyn who was with me last time i saw tori. we waited a long time with these other girls who were hoping to catch a glimpse of her. i was afraid i was maybe at the wrong door.. no one knew anything. but finally after a long time a woman came to retrieve us and we were brought down the long corridor that i hadn't been in since courtney love and i traded xanax for valium, which is another fantastic cool fun story and i found out that she was inspired to write her "girl with the most cake" line from my cd called "cake and eat it". and i asked her ..i said "ya, i was wondering about that cake reference" and she said to me slurring" ya, well, isn't it OBVIOUS?" and she asked if she could buy that title from me or use that because she said my record didn't sell much anyway so no one knew of it anyway, right? LOL so..i said..ya, you're right! i just said if she used it to just give me credit is all. and i zipped her up into her dress that she was totally pissed that it didn't fit her. she yelled "i did NOT gain weight!" then put on a different dress. she told me that she liked my cake and eat it record but that she thought it had too much reverb. i AM a reverb and delay junkie, it's true.
anyway, i hope i get to meet her again someday, i really like her :) she is pretty incredible :)

so...i go through the corridor...and into a room. and there is tori and and it's all soft and cushy in there. the roadies put up indian cotton print blankets and scarves and pillows and i'm served english tea made by her english assistant and tori says i should really have some tea because the english really know how to make it, which is true. and the tea was delicious but i was talking so much i only drank 1/2 of it.
so she said "sit down sit down!" and so i actually had the first leisurely conversation with her ever. and it WAS bliss. and i was trying so hard to not be nervous, but that's pretty much impossible of me in a situation like that. i get too excited and giddy. and i told her that and she laughed and said i was "changing shapes" a lot that my energy was sproinging all over the place making shapes. and i knew EXACTLY what she meant. and i'm like ya, i know! i wish i could just pick one shape and go with it! i'm glad she is comfortable with my energy because some people just don't know WHAT to do with me when i'm like that. the best thing to do is just to be cool with my many shapes sproinging everywhere, knowing it'll calm down eventually :) and she does that so it makes me so happy :)
and we talk about how she deals with the energy when she goes on tour. i tell her i couldn't deal with the energy while touring. but a lot of the energy i got was judgemental energy where i was put into these positions over and over to "prove" myself to the record co. to prove i was "worth it" to spend money into. well, that just about killed me that kind of energy just hurts. it takes so much energy to face that. i didn't know how to let it go right through me then. so i had to drink and face the wall like a warrior fighting for my life. exhausting.
but she goes into the crowd and says everyone brings their energy to the room, and energy that people usually don't let out, and she sculpts it. and i know EXACTLY what she's saying but i've never been too good at that yet. not in my physical space. but i deal with the sculpting of energy thing through my cam because there is a TON of energy coming at me..and in the beginning of my cam i used to get sick a lot because i don't think i knew what to do with that much energy nor how to filter out what i wanted to sculpt with and le the energy that i didn't want just pass right through. now i'm a lot better at that, but i don't know how it it got better. i just adjusted in some way. and now i don't even thin about it much. which i wish i understood more the process i went through to get where i am in regards to sculpting energy. so she remarked that we are dealing with opposite ends of the spectrum energy-wise. she can deal to be on stage in front of thousands and she works with that energy and is invigorated by that. oh, btw, she is a leo with libra moon and saggitarius rising. and she wants me to find her a REALLY good astrology website, so if u know of any, let me know. i had some bookmarked a long time ago, but lost them now.
so....but she said she could never deal with the energy how i deal with it. the whole privacy thing. it would drive her nuts, she says. so we both deal with large amounts of energy in our different ways. but i really want and need to know how to deal with the energy of people in my physical space, cause i just get so muddled up when i'm around so many people.
she was totally fascinated with my cam and smiling and laughing. and that i was comfortable being nude really astounded her and was interesting to her.

then it was time for her to pack her stuff and leave and she gave the signal that i must go. but i asked her if she'd sign my jacket so it'd be my "tori jacket".
a lot of people think that autographs are silly or in poor taste. but i just don't agree. i think it can be very meaningful and special. it's just that old yearning to know that " i was here" or "i was here with this person". it's a powerful symbolic gesture of unity somehow. and it makes me feel happy. like i have this purse that is full of autographs and when i'd wear it around i'd feel almost like a tiny piece of that persons energy was in their..accompanying me on my journey. it might be all in my mind..but then again, what isn't only in the mind? i asked michael stipe for an autograph and he haughtily refused. i think it is a powerful thing. i know what he might feel in that he doesn't want to give that out to "just anyone". there are some people i think that get an autograph as a hording thing. or for the money to resell later. maybe that was his fear. maybe he wasn't afraid at all. who knows. i have no idea.

anyway,....so tori did the most special thing and she wrote the notes to a song from her new record onto the lining of my jacket and wrote the corresponding lyrics underneath...and sang it as she wrote it in her pure pure magickal voice as if singing the sing into the fabric of my coat! and i stood there in awe with carolyn, my friend, and we were both almost in tears at the beauty and specialness of it. and after she was done, i took both her hands in mine and said into her eyes "i am so glad that you are part of my life" and she said " i am so glad that you are part of MINE"! and it was pretty damn cool, to say the least!
and she told me to write her but told me that she is terrible at writing back, and i said i am the same way and i told her "know this..that when i write to u it is not to get a reply but it is for the joy of writing to u" and she smiled so much and said "thanks for that" :)

and so that is my tori story thus far. and i have started to write her little emails just last night. i want to tell her this whole story that i am telling u right now but i fear that she'll think it's just too weird and too much because when i start to tell others about it i know it sounds weird and obsessed but i know in my heart that it isn't and that it's a good thing. because people always want me to make sure that i don't put others onto some god pedestal. like she is untouchable, because i know that she is not, yet, it IS the coolest thing in the world TO ME to get her approval. i mean, most people go through life never getting approval from those they look up to the most! but here i DID get it and from YOU , too! so i am just REALLY happy that it APPEARS to me that i AM drawing people tome of like energy and that i am getting the nod of approval that i am pretty darn special and it's not just my grandiose imagination...because a lot of people just don't want you to be THAT special, y know? so special that the crowd magically parts and tori amos beams at u from the end of the tunnel saying " i recognize that u are NOT like the others, you ARE special...go forward!"
and i know that sounds just pig headedly arrogant of me...and of course EVERYONE is special...EVERYONE has the light. but do u know what i'm trying to convey to u? or am i just crazy?
so i wanted to tell u all of that because i think u might be the only person i know that would understand and not think i'm a crazy arrogant ego maniac.
i don't stomp on people or think i'm better or anything. in fact i fear to be a burden in any way or seem gross like that. but i do refuse to not shine..even if my shining is erratic in lots of "shapes" sometimes" because i know i will draw the kind of people to me that LIKE that and can handle that and actually find it perhaps amusing or endearing!
do u know what i mean?

i just wanted to get your opinion, because what i think it is is a symbol telling me where my energy is at.
i can see what i'm drawing to me and go..oh, so that's where i am energy wise! so i get REALLY happy and proud of myself if i think that i'm at an energy place where tori amos says hi to me quiet joyfully cause that's EXACTLY where i want to be!
do u know what i mean?
am i making sense?
shouldn't i feel super happy and proud? that i resonate there at the place i wanted?

i think it's great to have heros. it's nice to aspire. to feel so much love for that "place/person/feeling" that u grow and change your energy to get there.
it keeps me going. i think it's exciting. i'm glad i feel there are people that are terribly excruciatingly exciting to be around! if i thought everyone was no big deal to meet well...how boring is that?
there ARE people that are excruciatingly exciting to be around! and u know YOU are one of them :)

so....it's feast or famine with me email-wise , eh?

so is this a big enough email for u? i hope i didn't bore u or exhaust u!
there u have it! the big thing that has been on my mind lately!

ack!
i will send this off now without proofreading it. which i'll probably regret because i'm sure there are typos galore everywhere.....(actually I did put it through spell check now)

mucho love,
ana

oh, p.s. here is the email i sent to ben then added to it then sent it to my mailing list then added to it and sent it to tori...then REALLY added to it and now i'm sending it 2 u and now the sun is going down. i'll i've done today is type and now my hand is going to fall off! :

ok, i dunno if i want 2 hear what i write 2 my mailing list, but since i don't like 2 retype my thoughts i thought i'd send u off this mailing list message i just sent off, too. cause i say lots in there. but i don't want u 2 think i'm being lazy and impersonal! so if u do not want 2 hear my mailing list messages just tell me and i'll stop sending them 2 u, k? i doubt you'll even have the time 2 read all of my messages 2 u anyway, i know i wouldn't if i were on tour. except maybe u can print them out and read them on the bus or plane. i can't read in a car , i get car sick. so if ever i go on tour again i want to learn how 2 crochet so i can do that while travelling. then i could sell the pair of booties i made at each concert :) i wish i could find someone to come over 2 my house and show me how 2 crochet. it's so beautiful, the things u can do with it. i really love those crazy knitted stuffed animals u can find sometimes. i have this great pink knitted elephant. i am obsessed with stuffed animals. i go and save them from the salvation army and give them a good wash at my house then sew their eyes back on or whatever they need. i used to pick out my friends by how they treated my stuffed animals. like if someone came over and just sat on the turtle ( named peruse ) and didn't move it over so it could breathe properly..i'd think that person would not be a good friend. but i'm not as harsh about that now days. i can go a little too far sometimes. then, again...maybe not.
i want to sew my own stuffed animals and call them "ana-mals". very elaborate ones. i want to even sew their organs inside. little velvet hearts and livers. and little pockets inside full of hand written secrets and herbs and glitter. but then i'd sew up the stuffed animals so that you would never know what was inside of them unless u disassembled them. so it would be up to u whether or not u would "operate" on them or not. after i sewed them i'd probably not be able to part with them tho. that is ONE of my multitude of projects to do. that and sew all my own clothes. but i have to get a torso made of me that is molded from my body because i want to make these form fitting deconstructivist things. hmm, i know i didn't spell that werd right. i type with two fingers on my right hand. so i misspell things in a fit of typing.

i love the clothes u wear :) i am obsessed with clothing and shoes. i worked at a used clothing store for 8 years so i have some pretty incredible things. they would all fit u too, cause they are all small. i love to wonder who owned them before me. the little dress from the 20's all fall apart now like a cobweb. what happened to her when she wore it so long ago? where is she now?
( argh..i just cut and paste into here and it put it in in a different font and i can't get it to be all one font. how odd. sorry about that!)

as u can tell my brain is on overload today, so i'm just going with it. it's like i have pms...but i got it when i GOT my period instead of before it. pms is a great thing if u let it take u where "it" wants to instead of arguing with it about the dishes. it's a powerful getting-rid- of-bullshit tool. but i'm sure u know that already :)

Date: Thu, 23 Sep 1999 15:08:13 -0500
Subject: from ana 092399 ( silly hats, blue oatmeal )

here is an email that i just sent off to ben greenman who is the guy who interviewed me and wrote the piece about cams and me in yahoo internet life magazine this month. i thought it depicted my day so far pretty well, so i'm just gonna email it off to everyone cause i'm just in that kind of mood. maybe a great mass unsubscribing will ensue now. i am on a tangent. :::::::::::::::::::::
guess how many people are subscribed to y mailing list now? 3,000! i cannot even comprehend it. like when i push the little send button...3,000 of u get this. what would u all look like in one big room? big big room? what would happen if we all got transported into one big room right now. well, i guess something like that would make people crabby. i think it'd make me happy. but then i'd have to laugh. it would be absurd. do any of u go online and pretend to be something that you're not? like do any men on here pretend to be women or vice versa? why did u pick the computer nicknames u have? are u a different person online than not? how had the internet changed your life? how many emails do u get a day? everytime i send one of these things off, tons of email accounts bounce s i gotta unsub people. if all of a sudden u find that your not getting any more emails from me someday..could be cause i unsubbed u cause your email bounced. lots of people's mailboxes are too full. what are u doing today? do u like your job? what are u looking for? are happy? what makes u happy? if u were going to die in one hour what would u do?
ok, here's the email that ben received 5 minutes ago:

ack
humour alludes me today?
altough i'm in a small improoooovement to my mood. i got a big ol mountain dew ( ick)
and i'm listening to the new tori amos cd which is GREAT
i got to talk to her for a full hour after her concert! but perhaps u know that already...are u subscribed to my mailing list or are u just spying in me?
today WAS going to be the beginning of "all naked all week in celebration of the harvest" but fuck it.
i decided to put my clothes back on and change it to" wear a silly hat in celebration of the harvest cause i don't feel like being naked"

so there u have it.

it's nice and warm in my living room tho.
and i gotta clean the house a bit cause i guess the fire marshal is doing random checks on 60 apts. today. great.
and it says something downstairs like "an extension cord is not an acceptable permanent plug in thing"
which is basically my whole LIFE. i mean EVERYTHING Is on an frickin extension cord. so all i need is for them to come into my bizarre extension cord world and find some naked pmsing girl celebrating the harvest with a silly hat.

there is this new instant quaker oatmeal called "sea adventures" as u add boiling water " a blue sea magically appears"
"blue sea with sharks treasures, and divers magically appears as u stir!"

well, it's REALLY gross. i KNEW it would be. but i had to buy two boxes of it anyway because it's just WRONG and will probably be discontinued soon.
at least, it better be or i really will worry about the decline of civilization
i mean, the oatmeal turns completely blue with this fizzly blue stuff like when u dye easter eggs ( maybe your own of those heathen jews so pardon me if u don't partake in my strange protestant traditions)
and then all these divers and sharks magically DO appear and they taste GROSS with oatmeal.
ack. i mean i love sugar, but this has gone too far.
so i had to buy two boxes.

i think we should definitely have a fight on cnn. i have pointy things. i'll win
god, maybe i should go outside or something but i completely don't want to. i feel crazed. how weird! i am like on some high strung tangent. i mean, hell, i have extensions cords fo HAIR! i AM a fire disaster!

maybe i'll just send messages off to my list every 5 minutes and drive everyone nuts.
i think i will take samples of this email and post it to my list cause i hate retyping my thoughts. u get the first generation thought tho, lucky u :)
ok, bi 4 now...
i think...