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Wednesday, September 20th, 2000

8:10p big brother polls
does anyone know where u can see ALL the popularity poles that were ever taken at the big brother site?

Thursday, September 21st, 2000

1:46a i am a sleepy po

11:10a i sent my mom flowers. she should have gotten them yesterday...but she never called 2 say she got them...and if she is so pissed at me that she won't even call if i sent her flowers...i'm afraid to call her 2 see if she got them!

12:19p i called my mom and left a message on her machine asking her if she got the flowers.
maybe she is out of town? but she didn't mention to me she was going anywhere.
augh.
i hate all this wondering. it has my stomache really upset.

i'm gonna go take a bath with lavendar oil in it to try to get myself to calm down
*breathe breathe breathe*

i took some echinacea , too 'cause i'm feeling a bit rundown

2:41p i called the flower place and they did deliver the flowers to my mom. so they did get there. while i was talking 2 jason on the phone, my mom finally called me and left a message on my voice mail saying, in a rather detached way, that she did get the flowers and that they are pretty and that she loves me too and everything is ok.

but the tone in her voicewas so detached and i think it was really pissy of her to not call me just to let me know they arrived. i didn't need to get in a conversation with her.

she could have emailed me, too.

a lot of the advice that u are giving me in my 11:10am entry is very good. thank u. bits and pieces from each one are very good. and then there is some advice that would not be good to take because u didn't know the whole picture of things...which is not your fault...it's hard to see the whole picture of the relationship with my mother and what has transpired in our 34 years together.

but i will say that i am not the one who is pushy needing to see her or talk to her. i am the one who has kept my distance and she is the one who pleads to me to call her more and see her more.

but i don't call her or see her more, because she hates all i say, do, and think.
and that is really awful to be around.

but now she needs distance because she is so drained from me and my brother. i think that she is having a hard time separating me from my brother. just as she has a hard time separating me from her.

she thinks i have ruined my life and made terrible decisions. she wanted me to go to college and get my bachelor of fine arts degree, which we all know is a worthless degree as fra as getting a job. and she doesn't see how i LOVE my life and i'm happier than i've ever been except for a few relationships that are stressing me out right now.

the only problem i have with my mom, is that she has a problem with me.
i'm not the one who said her life's work is disgusting.

and what do u do with a person who says really terrible things , then conveniently forgets that they said that and denies ever saying it?

u just can't win with a person who forgets thigns like that. that is scary to me. i can't even imagine how much of her life she is suppressing or whatever it is.

and about the yelling thing. i have done that. a few months ago i really let her have it in the biggest way possible. i told her EXACTLY everything.

then the other day she called me about 5 minutes after i woke up, and said " i just don't know where all your fear comes from! i don't know anyone else that has the troubles you do"

that was in regards to me being sexually harrassed, etc.

ya...i'm the ONLY one who has that problem. (sarcasm)

wow.

and man, i poured my GUTS out to her that one day. my GUTS.
then she "forgets" everything i say to her.
and she wonders where my fear comes from
she says "we'll get to the bottom of this"
she says i should go to therapy and get some "coping skills"

no amount of coping skills is gonna work if everytime u go outside people throw rocks at u ( an analogy )

and btw, i don't knwo why, but i am getting a little bit less harrassed on the street now. i am working on getting a vibe/aura/sheild thing together that deflects. it's cool that i'm getting less harrassed now.

anyway....

i am from earth and my mo is from pluto. i don't know.

i am thankful that i have such a good relationship with my dad. if i didn't have that i think i would fall apart because i need to know that SOMEBODY loves me no matter what.

more later...

3:49p i'm just gonna lay on the couch and watch happy movies. i need to do that to survive. me and my pupsters.

6:27p gonna go out 2 eat with jason in a sec...
i think the new mannequin's name is lydia

7:54p back from dinner. i had cocktail shrimp, a salad and a dark beer
my stomache is puffed now
soon it will be time 2 go 2 bed and watch cartoons, and i look forward to that greatly, since i feel so hollow inside about my mom
it feels like inside of me, something has died and there is a loss of something innocent perhaps.
it's weird. it's really hard to explain..i can't put it into words yet nor really digest it's meaning or something....

the rest of me is quiet happy, tho
it's interesting how i can feel conflicting emotions both at the same time

7:55p so what happened on big brother tonight? i missed it
i wish they'd replay them late at night

Friday, September 22nd, 2000

12:33p brrr. it's cold out! 52 degrees and totally damp. yucko.
i am gonna turn on my oven ( electric) to get it warmre in here! bbbbrrrrrr.

my mom called today and it was better. we just chit chatted about home decorating and cooking and high blood pressurre and big brother and how hard it is to find apartments that take dogs.

so as long as we keep our relationship at that level, it seems it will be ok. *sigh*

i gotta get warm and motivated to go to the bank.
maybe i'll cook myself a yam in the microwave

1:58p three more mannequins arrived, so i am vacuuming and getting room for them. insanity!

also, my taxidermied albino racoon came, which is FREAKY as hell.
don't go on ebay when you're drunk, people.
that is the lesson :)

LOL

but do not worry animal lovers, it was a pet and died of natural causes. it's name was rascal. they got rid of it because the wife could not bear to see rascal like that, and the husband only taxidermied him to pay homage to him.

anyway, i will take care of ol' rascal. he is now upside down on tv because i cannot get him right side up! he is positioned in a way that he needs to be laying on a tree branch with his feet hanging leisurely to each side of the branch...so i am gonna have to concoct up something. i tried to put him on one of the mannequins arms..but he was too heavy for it.

jason is NOT going to want him on top of the tv set upside down. he is gonna really think that's gross. and it is..but i have a perverse sense of humour :)

ok, gonna unpack the mannequins now. three arrived. they are all almost identical. then three more just like these 3 will arrive...and then i have 3 more that are totally different on their way.

my plan is that 6 of them i am going to paint really cool then resell them on ebay
and i'll be painting them on cam :)

replies i made in my livejournal.analog1:

taxidermy
ana
2000-09-22 13:52
ya, as soon as i opened that box deiter and pooka were ALL over me , jumping up and down with their googly eyes all alglow :) they think it's a giant treat! ack!
well, thye can't get on top of the tv , so that's good.
i talked to jason at work and he seemed ok with it on the tv. i am so glad :)

i used to have a giant pufferfish that was a lamp. and i got rid of it when i moved in here. WHY DID I DO THAT????? I WANT IT BACK!!!

actually, that is how i came upon this racoon...i was searching for a pufferfish lamp again.

i know i shouldn't like taxidermy, but damn...it's just so...WEIRD or something i am drawn to it. i dunno. i know it's gross...

BUT...my racoon died of natural causes and was a pet...so i think that is ok then.

i really wanted that giant buffalo head on there, too. but...i know it's bad. augh. spank me. i like taxidermy. :/

i love anything atht is like skulls or bones or teeth...be it human or animal...it's just so INTERESTING to me.

i mean, i have said this before,but i really want to be made into a lamp when i die :)