anagram 092002

[17 Sep 2002|12:05pm]
i'm working on anagrams

2 new anagrams up! [17 Sep 2002|01:19pm]
[ mood | busy ]

1. the last of apartment 2
2. the beginning of apartment 3

[17 Sep 2002|04:01pm]
i'm feeling a little lost because i have had to be so turbo charged to move and now that i have a little bit of spare time...i can't seem to relax in it. i can't find my groove. i feel uncomfortable.

[17 Sep 2002|06:19pm]
eebomb, if u see this..tonight's nova is about bees :)
also, i watched oprah and i think a book you'd really dog to read right now is
"misconceptions" by naomi wolf
and i'm glad u fixed your space instruments and are finally getting into the cure :)
PERFECT to listen to the cure the fall
also, perfect to listen to the Fall to cure!

i found out on the day of the show that tvbs played the main room with wire!
how cool is that??

are crochet night's still happening?

[17 Sep 2002|06:22pm]
it gets too dark too fast already.
i don't know who i am when i look in the mirror.
or else i look in the mirror and i see my mom..who is the last person on earth i want to see right now. it's laughable , really.
i'm flicking through channels and pacing my apartment trying to pass the time. nothing appeals to me.
i hate days like this.

i wonder if this is just an effect of me going off prozac, i try to be easy on myself but it's hard to do that for me right now.
i feel like moving to another city and starting all over where i have no history.

i'm a bad friend. i don't call people back.

i dream about my old apartment looking like heaven...perfect white painted walls and new carpet. i know i can't go back.
everything gets old, there's nothing i can do about it.
my life is filled with tasks that just keep me above water.
there si no comfort in anything and even the things that once brought me comfort don't anymore.

i know this is only temporary.
i berate myself for writing this same journal entry over and over.
i think i've in a groove again and i'm clicking into the right track and then it's lost again in the next moment.
i feel stupid for this.
i feel stupid for feeling stupid.

i can't recapture old feelings.
i wonder if it will always be like this from now on.
i know, logically, that it can't.
but then again, there si a first time for everything.

how long will this go on?

i don't want to be on cam just staring blankly, rolling yarn, belly getting rounder.

i'm sick of caring about what you think of me.
i'm sick of being sick of caring what you think of me.
i'm sick of trying not to care that my body is becoming something i just don't like. period.
i'm sick of TRYING to look at it in a new way. i'm sick of TRYING to see this is a cool rebirth process into something new. i'm sick of TRYING to redefine myself. FUCK all that.

maybe i should try HARDER.
maybe i should disappear like betty page.
i ask myself, WHY do i want to put myself through this? i don't want to deal with it!
i'd rather just live in the country and old gracefully away from view. me and my cucumber patch.
i don't want to look back at the past when i was pretty. i don't want to try on my boots and go "oh, i remember when these fit me" ,and smile at the good old times. i'd rather be a character out of ABFAB fighting it and denying every ounce of the way, sweety darling. get mummy a glass of wine.

i wish there were more role models for cool older women. the kind *I* want to be. i know, ya ya ya, i'll do it myself. but it's so much EASIER with role models. it just is. all i have are people like goldie hawn and susan sarandon who seem unattainable to me. and sure, i'd look like that, too, if i had the bucks to back it up.
but enough whining.

but im here. and so i deal with it.
and ya, it's not pretty to watch. and it's not fun for me to write, either.

and it's not even WINTER yet. my god. will i even survive?

ya, i will. but i might whine the entire way through it. so be forewarned.

maybe i'll just sell all my stuff and start to wander the earth.
if i didn't have dogs, that is what i would do.
what am i even saying? this is embarrassing.

i think this would be a good time to keep it to myself.

i didn't know i could get like this. i didn't know i could ever feel like such a loser. in fact, i've always looked down on people who thought they were losers because that is such a loser thing to do.
i've never felt stupid or pathetic until just this last year or so when i started having that drinking problem after my mother rejected me and 5 billion other heart breaking things.

maybe i feel like such a loser because i DID reach a certain pinnacle success and i really didn't get that pat on the back from my parents that i thought i would when i "made it".
and now that i know that's never going to happen, i'm just like, hmmmm.
what now?

and you know i will tell you a secret now. you know what is the HARDEST thing about being on cam right now? it's not the thousands of people who might be disgusted by me and tune out. it's my X boyfriends seeing me and laughing.
isn't that sad?
how pathetic is that?
it was nice having my cam and being glamourous so i could go "HA, fucker! look at me now! look what you're missing out on!"

and now that i don't have, in my mind, that visual advantage...i'm just lost.
it's back to that they are missing out the TRUE beautiful aspects of me. the aspects that they , obviously, never saw. the aspects of me that i can't prove and can only be seen by someone who truly loves me.

and they aren't going to see that. they never did.
so what good is that when it comes to things as shallow as revenge?
ha.

well, wow, that is truly sad. but that did keep me going for quite some time. not that my cam has ONLY been about that. obviously that was only a small part. but i'd be untrithful if i said it hadn't been a part at all.

which was also a huge impetus for writing music. PROVING to them that i was worthwhile, had substance, had FEELINGS. AND HERE THOSE FEELINGS ARE!

how utterly draining and boring that can get at age 36.
which is why i have refused to make a record until i can write about something that is NOT about pain.

not that i even think that is POSSIBLE.

well, i feel i've said too much now...
i haven't said enough...

i , speed freak go-go dancer [17 Sep 2002|07:36pm]
anyone know what the hottest, coolest club in japan is?
i think i need to go there and get revitalized.
i want to start my new life as a speed freak go-go dancer

[17 Sep 2002|07:47pm]
oh wait...i was going to be rad old lady with a cyber arm living in the desert with crop circles in my yard. i have to get right on that, since U2 need a new place to helicopter in when they need a place to chill.

i'll get right on that :) AFTER my very short episode of being a speed freak go go dancer in the coolest club in japan.

i think that awful whiny post i made today smacked some sense into me. i am NOT going down THAT path. the whiny path. oh my lord no. can't go there. not gonna go there.

[17 Sep 2002|08:25pm]
it was like my dream.

i found a key that still opened my old apartment. i went in.
( i know no one is living there at this time)
my heart was beating so fast. all new carpet fresh and soft.
walls painted: taupe, plum, grey, pink
(gay men are moving in)
absolutely gorgeous.
i wanted to cry.

the view.
the view is MINE
how can it not be mine anymore?
i should have left a secret message painted underneath the cabinets.

i wanted to live in that apartment until i died. i was so happy there.

i am going to find an even better place.
i have to.

[18 Sep 2002|11:10am]
i have a really complex song that stuck in my head that came to me. it's so weird how i get songs. i don't know why or how. they just appear. usually right before i go to sleep, during my sleep, or while i'm walking a long way.
this song is absolutely a tori song. she is even singing it in my head. i don't exactly want to try and figure out how to play it so i can get it down on tape ( and my piano is way out of key ) because it's so tori i don't know if i could ever make it "mine".
but it is so cool and just won't go away. i don't think i'll be able to get it down on tape tho because all my things for recording are all over the place in boxes.
i need to get my piano tuned and get my 4 track on top of the piano so i can have it ready for things such as this.

i wonder if sometimes tori gets a song in her head and someone else is singing it besides her as she is singing it now in my mind?
i guess i could put an album out that sounded exactly like tori since she put out a record that sounded exactly like kate bush ( little earthquakes ).

during her tour for little earthquakes i asked her if she liked kate bush (like, duh.)
and she sadi she did (like, duh.). she said she felt that she was tuning into a similiar energy as kate and that is why she sounded like her. makes sense to me.

i do think that some songs are just roaming around in the "cosmic consciousness" that we can all tune into if we are in that same "frequency".

i have so much more to say about that, but i don't have the energy to type it all out right now. i think i might have said it before in my journal , somewhere, anyway.

it's grey out today and i hope i find the discipline in me to go out for a good long walk

[18 Sep 2002|02:12pm]
i went for an hour long walk. yay!
now i am going to stretch.

do you think it would be better to meditate before excerise or after excercise?
maybe it doesn't matter. just wondering what u think.

Did you know that without looms we wouldn't have computers? [18 Sep 2002|09:06pm]
In 1801, Joseph Marie Jacquard (1752-1834) of Lyons, France made the first successful automatic drawloom by means of a series of instructions given to the threads by a punched card system. It was the first pattern loom to operate successfully on a mechanized basis.

[18 Sep 2002|10:21pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

NEST MAGAZINE
if anyone has any NEST magazines that they want to part with, THINK OF ME! :)

( or Surface, Interior Design, Raw Vision, Italian Vogue, Fruits, or Spin Off )

merci beaucoup! :)

i love this site so much...i want to MARRY it. [19 Sep 2002|01:26am]
http://aoi.100megs4.com/

[19 Sep 2002|01:56am]
http://www.geocities.com/Halszkaelfin/
(i wish i could find this girl's email!!!)

HEIFER.ORG, GIVE A FAMILY A COW or a TREE! [19 Sep 2002|04:10pm]
go! see! help families!
http://catalog.heifer.org/index.cfm

What does Heifer do and how do we do it?
Heifer International combats hunger, alleviates poverty, and restores the environment by providing appropriate livestock, training, and related services to small-scale farmers worldwide. Heifer helps people utilize livestock as an integral component of sustainable agriculture and holistic development. Heifer's projects strengthen rural families and communities through improved nourishment, increased production and the dissemination of skills and knowledge for self-reliance. Care for the earth's natural resources is emphasized through training in livestock management, pasture improvement, soil conservation, forestation and water harvesting.

Heifer'skey concept is that each recipient must pass on to others some of the offspring of the farm animals they receive. This principle, called "passing on the gift," assures that each participant in the program becomes a donor, enhancing dignity and participation in each project. Passing on the gift also helps communities to become self-sustaining.

you can give a family a :

cow
goat
pig
duck
waterbuffalo
rabbit
chick
llama
tree
hive of bees
chick
sheep
goose
or a whole ark of animals!

survivor thailand! [19 Sep 2002|05:28pm]
[ mood | excited ]

i'm psyched!

and bono on oprah tomorrow!

[19 Sep 2002|10:09pm]
i thought survivor thailand was good! it's gonna be very interesting! i am rooting for the underdog team ( how you spell it?), the ones with the older people in it.
i'm glad they didn't vote ghandia out. i think i'm going to like her.

i don't think danielle is going to win bb3 if she makes it to the final two because i think not as many people like her as they like jason.

i tried to dye my hair cotton candy pink, but the dye was very old and it didn't really take.
tomorrow i am going to work on little books!! i have to get those done!

stiff joints [20 Sep 2002|10:51am]
every morning for about a week now, when i wake up, the joints in my hands are very sore and stiff. all my other joints feel this way, too. but i have never had this feeling in my hands before. i haven't been crocheting much or even typing that much, so i really don't think that can be it. the soreness and stiffness leaves my body after i've been awake for an hour. and i don't get soreness or stiffness AS i am doing any activities like typng or crocheting. my hands and body feel just fine all the time...except in the morning right when i wake up. i wonder why this is? it's starting to bug me and worry me a little bit now.
maybe this soreness/stiffness is another effect from going off paxil. i have not taken a paxil for 20 days now and i've been doing marvelous (thanks to prozac). i think i did read somewhere that aching joints are a paxil withdrawal symptom, too. could be it just starting manifesting. i'm going to go read quitpaxil.org again, and see what i can find.

hmmm. ok, read there. symptoms of muscle cramps are there. and i know you can ache all over, as if you have the flu when withdrawing from paxil. and when i tried to go off paxil i did ache all over as if someone had punched me all over my body.
but i didn't have that feeling in my hands.

but...who knows. i just don't like my hands to ache and feel stiff. because my hands (and my eyes) are my entire life.

wood lathe [20 Sep 2002|12:14pm]
i wanted to ask a question about wood lathes that can duplicate.
i don't know anything about turning wood.

i have a wooden crochet hook that i would like duplicated and i wonder if there is anyone out here who could do it or if anyone knows a business that would do such a thing?

luxury item [20 Sep 2002|12:33pm]
i find it interesting to see what luxury items people take with them on survivor.

robb took a skateboard (???)
and stephanie took fuzzy slippers!

these have to be the two dumbest luxury items to take! hello?
yes, you are on a remote island during the monsoon season living on a beach. i need my fuzzy slippers and i think i'll go skateboarding! i mean, c'mon! :P

what luxury item would you take?

i can't decide what i'd take...

journal and pen
crochet hook
toothbrush

can i pick bug spray? or a lighter or a knife?

puzzle box [20 Sep 2002|02:02pm]
long ago, at the renaisance festival here, i bought this amazing "puzzle box" from a couple named Don Wood and Dawn Wood. they made these amazing boxes that had boxes within boxes. i've never seen anything else like it. i want to get more of these boxes someday, so if anyone has any information on them,

check out these paintings :) [20 Sep 2002|05:25pm]
here: spiralingmoon !!