anagram090801

[08 Sep 2001|02:20am]
wow, my 2nd boyfriend, cris....i called him. weakness?
i dunno. he doesn't even remember the shit that replays in my mind hourly every day for the last ten years he did to me. i would tell him about it it and he'd go , " i did that?"
must be nice.
anyway. tomorrow we are getting together aroung 6pm cst to try to begin a sort of healing process. he says the person who did those things wasn't him. it fucked me up for life. i have no idea if this will make my pain worse or better..,.but i really don't think it could ever be worse.
i hope that for the first time two people can get toegther and help to heal each other.
the first time for me, at least.
he's 42 now. he will always be this unimaginable older person than i. i can imagine it a bit better now. i told him i was only 22 when he"forced" his 3 kids on me and i was unprepared. at 30 he didn't get it. now he seems to. he seems to have forgotten all the details.
god is in the details.
we are both prepared tomorrow that all we might do to each other is say " oh my god oh my god"
i just wish jason was here. i really want him to meet cris so he can at least get some perspective of where i've been.
it's going to be a really weird weekend. i am glad that cris has remorse and wants to try to heal with me. because i am quite damaged from all that.
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[08 Sep 2001|12:15pm]
ok, no, i'm not going to get together with him today. i'm just not up to something like that. last night it seemed like something i could handle, but today it is definitely not anything i could deal with.
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question for men: do you REALLY like the smell of women's perfume??? [08 Sep 2001|12:57pm]
ok, time to get a move on with my day in some sort of fashion :) i'm going to really FOCUS on grounding myself today. and take another long bath later. baths really help me ground. i'm gonna go looking through all the pix from last night now and perhaps i will make a new anagram today out of them, too.
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[08 Sep 2001|02:52pm]
ok, i can just barely fit in that chinese dress. god, it's so damn cool.
but i can't sit in it or barely move at all. it's too tight but i can't tell if it's too tight in a really bad way or if it is acceptable. i needs to be ironed. i think perhaps it's just too damn tight. augh. so close and yet so far....i just wanna wear this thing tomorrow so much!

instructions to clone me here:
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=10235562&nc=27
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[08 Sep 2001|05:20pm]
ok, my little fashion show is over for now. i've figured out what i want to wear. i am so fucking nervous today that i cannot even breathe. i can't even eat. every hour or so i try to eat a slice of swiss cheese and it's so hard to swallow it. i can't believe that feeling the way i do today i actually made cool pix. but i guess making the pictures is what got me through this day so far.
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[08 Sep 2001|05:58pm]
ah, cris is here! he just came over and...here he is. i think it's going to be ok