anagram090701

[07 Sep 2001|03:05pm]
i don't really know what to do with myself today since nothing is interesting me which is a sign of depression. so, all i can do is just try to keep on top of things a bit and try to keep moving. so i'm putzing about my house cleaning little bits here and there and that will have to suffice. i'm listening to duran duran to cheer me up. jason is gone and i'm already missing him.
it's 80 degrees with 60% humidity out. i weigh 110 lbs.
i'm going to get that chinese dress to the dry cleaners today, maybe. i don't know how much that costs. i don't really ever dry clean anything. i hope it's not much 'cause i don't have much. yesterday i misunderstood what i was to pay my host and it was 350 bucks more than i thought it was...so that really threw me off balance financially but i'm holding my ground.
ok, writing in here is depressing me, so i'm going back to putzing which was cheering me up. hopefully i'll be cheerful later. i think afternoons are the worst for me lately because that when society deems you are supposed to be the most productive

there was a great thunderstorm last night and this morning. really really loud thunder.
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[07 Sep 2001|03:43pm]
the thing is, is that none of you even know what 95% of my depression is about this time. and i can't write about it in here. i mean, i was doing really well being off prozac, i was just still really nervous...but i wasn't depressed. well, i was depressed about one thing but i smashed that one thing down again for awhile. then the thing came popping back up full force because it was triggered by something which forced me to not be able to try to ignore it at ALL. and it's such a good story that i wish i could share with you because i think a lot of people could benefit from the complexness of this issue i am faced with. which in it contains issues within issues. i'm trying to figure out a way that i can tell this story without really making anyone in my life angry. i'm really grappling with a huge beast here. to narrow it down for ya, it has nothing to do with abuse, drug addiction, death, or body issues and most especially this is not one bit about my cam. but i guess...as it all boils down to this...it's all about fear and love. fear that i will never be loved in the way that i require to be loved in order to function. anger that i need this love to function. wanting to be able to control how much i love i need in the way that one could control how much a person requires to eat and what they need to eat to survive. i don't really think that sums it up very well at all. but it gives you a rough idea that it's a heavy issue and it gives you an idea about what i'm NOT grappling with.

and then the other 5% is about money, which is a biggee, but this other thing is so big that in comparison to money...money is just so not important.
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[07 Sep 2001|05:15pm]
cydniey called me and cheered me up a bit which is pretty impressive considering how spaztic i am right now. thanks cydniey :) i misspelled her URL in a few posts below. eek. this is the right one:
http://www.fabulousdisaster.com

i think i might go into a tanning bed tomorrow just for a bit to help me look healthier and also i've heard they are very peaceful. are u supposed to put cotton balls on your eyelids or something like that when u go in there so the light doesn't hurt you eyes?

i think this day calls for an exceptionally long bubblebath. yes. perhaps that is what i will work on today. getting a really nice bubblebath together.
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do you consider yourself a "humanist" ? if so go here: [07 Sep 2001|06:46pm]
i recommend you check out this ass kicking good post by tsenft
here:
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=10221015&nc=16

i didn't get the bubblebath ready yet 'cause then i talked to stacy for a long time and we have such similiar experiences sometimes that it's just freaky!
i never answer my phone or make phone calls...but on the rare exception that i do...it is almost impossible to get me OFF the phone :)

the afternoon is over thank GOD.
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CLONE ME! [07 Sep 2001|07:20pm]

if anyone wants to clone me or my dog pooka, i give permission.
if you would like a sample of my dna and/or pooka's dna
send a self addressed stamped envelope to:

ana voog's clone
p.o. box 76152
saint paul, mn
55175

the only requirement is that you write down why it is that you would want to clone me or pooka and if you were ever in the position to clone , what would you do with an ana clone or a pooka clone?

i'm serious.

-------
today has been weird. my days are almost always weird. sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes it's just annoying. today it was riding that fine line.
i just know that someday someone will clone me and i'll finally be able to meet myself :) except she won't have any breasts since mine are 100% fake, obviously.

actually i want to go get my breasts redone because i want softer ones that don't point sideways. i also would go down to a C cup instead of a D. and then i want to film the surgery while having a soundtrack of me orgasming over it. over and over. i think that would be ridiculous. that's why i love it so. If you would pay for my surgery i'll give you the full rights to the film.

yes, i'm in a weird mood. why not? pretty soon i'm going to go have a very long bubblebath. i'm going to make it purple. it's will be around 10pm CST if you care to stop by and watch for whatever reason you may have :)

xeroxing my memories for cut ups later,
ana

p.s. i want you to know that even though i say these things in what may be perceived as a very flippant way...i am very serious and these things are very precious to me...my body...my memories...the crux of letting go and being reborn in whatever form that takes. i think it is inevitable that there will be no boundries anymore ever at some point. i don't see this as a bad thing. i see it as an opportunity to evolve, learn, grow
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INTIMACY [07 Sep 2001|09:55pm]
THAT is a key word for me. typing it here to remember. intimacy means to me trust and recipropcated.....something....

fuck. something something something....