anagram 090501

paying for ana2 via paypal [01 Sep 2001|02:59pm]
ok, i have a paypal account. so...if i wanted people to also have the option to pay for ana2 via paypal...how do i go about that in the most business-like way?

i also want to start taking online cheques..but don't know how to do that. and i want to also use ibill's thing where u can pay for ana2 by making a phone call and having it charged to your phonebill.

must figure all this out.

and btw, i am not asking these questions to see IF you would pay in this way...i am just asking how to go about implementing these ways regardless of how you feel about joining ana2 or whether or not you can afford it or now. i am saying this sentence because i think i'm being misunderstood judging from the first few replies i've gotten to this post which were about how they couldn't afford ana2 or wouldn't join it because of ethics.
7 comments|post comment

plants are sentient creatures, too [01 Sep 2001|03:41pm]
i just want to put this thought out into the world:

i do believe and know that plants are also sentient creatures with a will to live just as strong as a human or a cow. and plants are just as miraculous and complex and just as much a beautiful miracle as any animal.

but definitely having an argument about vegetarianism vs. nonvegetarianism and putting people down because of what they eat, i agree is a waste of time. vegetarianism is a very good way to live if for even at least the fact that we could feed the world if we fed the corn to people instead of cattle. and that's the reason i would become a vegetarian if i chose to. also that and because i do not like the living conditions most all animals have to endure when they are raised for their meat ( or byproducts..eggs, milk...etc )

but i feel that the REALITY that vegetables are ALSO sentient beings with a will to live is sorely overlooked. they just don't have cute eyes and they can't scream or run.

which, of course, puts those of us who are sensitive empathetic people when it comes to what we eat into quite an ethical predicament.

what IS the difference between eating boiled lobster vs. boiled spinach?
and of course we would ALL be grossed out to eat the lobster while it still WAS alive....but that's what we do when we eat a salad. it just dies a pretty violent death right there in our mouths...much like a snake eating a mouse.

the only solution i can see, with driving myself to madness, is to be thankful and not gluttonous and not cruel or wasteful about my food and realize that this is the way of it here on this "physical earth plane of existence".

maybe it is ONE way of realizing that we are , indeed, all one. and a really difficult lesson it is. i don't kno wif i'll ever really be at peace with the idea that i must eat living things in order for myself to live.

maybe i could live solely off of fruits and nuts, as some try to do. but even then...that is life...it would be me killing off something that has the will, intent, desire and potential to grow into a fabulous tree. who am i to cut it off before it even has a chance to experience itself to it's fullest?

then there are a sector of people who report that they can live off light alone. thsi is still disputed greatly all over the net in those circles if this can really be done. but then there are those who argue that light itself is a sentient being, which i am inclined to agree.

so, i think the symbol that really sums up this whole thing for me is the snake eating its own tail.

that's how i see it at this moment in my life.
23 comments|post comment

the anaverse [01 Sep 2001|04:28pm]
i would like to explain what i mean by the word "anaverse"

the anaverse means everything that EVER "touches" anything to do with anacam, ana2, or me, ana voog. that means anything that is ever said or done BECAUSE anacam exists or that i exist is PART of the anaverse.
this includes all posts made anywhere, any discussions , any media reports, any television shows that include anything anacam or ana2 or ana voog related are part of the anaverse.

the second you post in this journal, you are part of the anaverse.
the second that you post about it in your OWN journal or email a friend about it...you and your post is now a part of the anaverse. if u even THINK a thought about anything related to any of this, it is now a part of the anaverse.

if you know what anacam is, you are part of the anaverse. if u are reading this, you are now part of the anaverse. if you watch me on tv and say "who is that stupid chick?" you are now part of the anaverse.

EVERYTHING said, done, thought , written, painted, etc...that was in anyway BECAUSE of anacam , ana2, or me, ana voog is part of the anaverse. and of COURSE that is self-centered. it is absurdly self centered! is that BAD in this case? no, because my intent is not to try to take over the world nor your mind with some sort of cultish scheme called " the anaverse" . it started out as just a funny inside joke between me and a few friends and then we just decided to keep using it because it was easier than saying all of this. and then it just took on it's own life from there.

if you complain about the anaverse, you are now, by default, part of it.

and if you cannot see the absolutely utter HILARIOUSNESS and ABSURDITY of that, then...well, i guess you're just not laughing, eh? :)
really it's a JOKE based in absurdity, ok? it's nothing to be threatened by.
if you've ever read hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, maybe you can see what i mean and how funny it is that i have decided to call everythinig having to do with me or anything i have done "the anaverse"
it is a joke that is OBVIOUSLY over the top and TOTALLY so SILLY...but yet...oh so very real. hehe :)

you have the anaverse's permission to start your own "verse". in fact , you already have one, we all do.

the "anaverse" is not just the people who join ana2 or agree with what i say. the anaverse is the people who hate my guts, as well. the anaverse is all that. YOU are a part of the anaverse and there is just not a damn thing you can do about it. :)

if i know who YOU are and have ever spoken or thought about you..then i am part of YOUR "verse". get it?

it's simply easier to say "anaverse" than to say that whole entire paragraph above.

there is a "verse" for your mom and dad and even your dog or cat.
it's just a funny little word that some people take a bit too seriously, and i had the energy today to type that out.

i hope that clears it up. it probably won't, knowing how these things work...but i thought it'd be good to at least get it down in writing finally as to what the true meaning of that word is when i use it.
26 comments|post comment

[01 Sep 2001|08:13pm]
another day passed that i could not make it outside. i feel like it's getting worse. i feel that each day i cannot get outside by myself, a piece of my spirit dies. i feel stupid for it even tho i know intellectually i should not. summer is almost over. i've almost missed the entire thing. i think i may go back on prozac until i can work thsi one out more or something...or live in a place that is not so dangerous. i get so angry with myself that i cannot leave the house. i sit and stare out the window. i get dressed. i try on all my coats, i stare out the window...i try to decide which route to take...i check my email...i wonder of i should bring a camera and if so, which one...i stare out the window. i can't even make it one block outside to get food so i eat old chocolate my mom gave me when she came here whichh ruins me trying to get off sugar which compounds my depression.

i've been doing SO well lately on SO many things. i have been SO productive on so much. i am proud of myself for these things. i guess i can't be totally healed all at once. but what i need the most is to be able to walk around my planet without fear. i don't want to be on prozac, not because i feel like some sort of wimp taking it...but because it's a fucking pain in the ass to keep going to a shrink and getting the meds and paying for it all. i have OTHER things i'd rather do with my time! thank god prozac is now gemeric because there is no way in hell i can pay 200 bucks a bottle for it like i did before. FUCK pharmeseudical companies for jacking their prices as much as they feel they can just because we don't have the choice but to buy it. fuck them. thank god there is now generic. fuck fuck fuck.

i am really glad for all the cleaning and organizing i did. i am glad that i feel creative and that i am getting my life in order in so many ways. the house cleaning thing was a BIGGEE.

but i NEED to go outside i NEED the oxygen and the sun and if you don't understand what this is like to not be able to go outside because of COURSE it would seem like the simplest thing on earth. get dressed, open door..go outside. well, it's just not like that. i can't explain it because i can't even explain it to myself.

it makes me feel weak and stupid that i cannot go outside. i want to hit myself over the head and just cry until it all goes away. fucking stupid shit.

fucking stupid earth full of stupid people that i love so much. fucking stupid people judging me right now for writing this.

those that get it will. i'm not going to stop writing about things people don't write about because they seem stupid for writing them. i may have a lot of fear, but that doesn't mean that i will stop living my life or trying to live my life in the way i see fit and makes me happy. i am full of fear. but i have courage.

my own insecurities can hear you laughing at me right now. and i feel violent because of it. i am really angry. none of this will solve anything to type this out. i don't even think this is making me feel any better at all. in fact, i think typing this out is making me feel worse.

so i'll just stop it right here.
18 comments|post comment

[01 Sep 2001|08:38pm]
what is the word for fear of people?
then what is the word for fear of men?
what is the word for fear of women?
8 comments|post comment

[01 Sep 2001|09:03pm]
i'm going to jason's , if i can get my shit together enough to even get there.
i need a total change of lifestyle. but i should just start by getting back to stretching.
i used to wish that my house would start on fire and totally burn down so i could start all over. but i don't wish for that anymore, thankfully. i love all my things and i've just about made peace with that. i'm just typiong in here now to stall myself from making any decision about anything at all. i want to go to jason's if all my stuff was up there. i miss him being around why i do my things and vice versa. my biggest fear is that i will be a burden on someone. he has his own stress to deal with. i don't want to add to it. i couldn't bear to add to it in any way. he says i can come up there. he says he wants to. i;m scared to go because i don't want to be a burden. i feel i have no right to take up space. the last time i went out all i said to myself over and over as i walked is " i have a right to eb here. i have a right to breathe. i have have a right to walk here just as much as anyone else does" . that's all i could do just to make it outside just for awhile. i guess what stopped me from going out today is that i just didn't even have enough energy to say that over and over to myself. i don't want to have to be some huge fucking therapy session everytime i need to go get some eggs. i need the ocean. i need to lay in the sun by the ocean. i need to be touched in the way that i am a treasure. i need to stop hitting myself over the head with all of this because it only makes it worse. i need to just shut up now but i can't. i'm lost. i think i know what i need right now but i'm not sure about that. but i don't believe anyone else. i don't want to need anyone. i don't want to need anything. i know that if i just took some neurontin right now i'd stop feeling this way. but neurontin makes me fat and is too expensive. my shrink isn't in until tuesday. he's hard to get a hold of. i don't know what to do. i want someone to scoop me up and take care of everything. i want to go into my closet and live there for a week being totally self sufficient. i don't want anyone to ever come over here again. i want to just stay here forever. i want to leave this place and never come back. i'm totally fine. i'm totally not fine. i can't tell the difference. i think i'm ok. i think i still have my sense of humour. i need some food and i'd be alright. it's nightime and that's always hard for me. i didn't get any sun or oxygen or excercise. all i wanted to do today was go walking and make polaroids. i also want to go to kinos to xerox the polaroids. i wish my scanner worked with my computers. i wish i could get it to work. i need to sell things to make money. i need to go buy some green candles. i need to take a bubblebath. i need to get errands done that i don't get done because i can't get outside. i wish i wasn't writing this. i don't know why i'm typing here. it's all i know how to do. i don't want you to help me. you can't. don't even try. i'm just typing this. that's all. let me type.
6 comments|post comment

[01 Sep 2001|09:19pm]
this is what happens when i run out of my medication. i feel like such a freak. it seems each year i become more damaged and more healed both at the same time. i don't know how that can be. but here it is and here i am.
i tried to call jason but he did not answer the phone.
i could really go for a salad right now, even if it is screaming. i could have it worse. i have a good life. i'm okokokokok. i need to get through this day. perhaps i will go to bed soon and hope for a better tomorrow. today started out fine enough. it was when the sun went down it all went to hell for me. i wonder where jason is...
14 comments|post comment

[01 Sep 2001|09:37pm]
jason is coming down and we are going to get some food. thank god. i need a hug and food. i want to curl up as small as i can get afterwards into a blanket and watch tv. everything that i wrote below i do not want to argue with anyone about. nor do i need anyone to comment on them in anyway or help me in any way. i am just writing down my feelings because sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. i might read your responses, i might not. all im saying is i just want to type. if you want to reply then you can. please do not feel offended if i do not respond to you. don't say anything mean to me in here or i will delete you because i am so not in the mood to deal with any meanness disguised as "harsh reality" or whatever the fuck you want to call it. and yes, i am being hostile right now before the fact has even happened. that's just the way it is right now. if you don't like it you can go. yes, i am being totally negative. and yes, i am assuming things now and having a conversation with someone who hasn't even posted yet. but i can feel you out there and just know that i'm NOT an easy target as much as i look like i am. all i will do is delete you and that will be the end of you in here. period. amen.

sorry i am not focusing on my friends right now who are cheering me on...oh excuse me KISSING MY ASS. i apologize. my friends know how it is to be in this way. i am a raw wire right now. and i hear thunder outside that makes me very happy. i hope that it will continue.

I AM KITTY HEAR ME MEOW!
3 comments|post comment

[01 Sep 2001|10:14pm]
jason is here. that makes me feel better. it's amazing how if he just touches my arm i fell so much better. it's funny how that works. mysterious. i'm gonna go watch a movie on cable and go to bed. i'm not going to get food. that still is just too much for me. sometimes i just freak out. sometimes that's just the way of it.
1 comment|post comment

[01 Sep 2001|11:02pm]
well, as quickly as it can come crashing down on me...just as quickly it can leave. i'm now at jason's. he went straight to bed. i'm watching a movie with jennifer tilly in it and that always makes me happy because i love her. and i dragged a few of my polaroid cams up here and i'm putzing about his house as he sleeps. just knowing he is in the next room comforts me. it must be love :)
he is just the cutest little creature on the planet :)
who knows what tomorrow may bring...will i leave the house or will i not? anyone wanna wager a bet either way?

i don't want to give you the impression that this negates what i was feeling before which was 100% real and suffocating. but that is part of the reason i didn't want anyone to get too worried or put too much energy into what i was typing because i might just be fine in an hour or so later. that is hard for a lot of people to grasp that both feelings can be 100% real and serious within moments of each other. i know myself well enough to know my fluxuations. if i ever am in SERIOUS trouble...as in needing your help in a way that is words or more than words i will let u know, as i did the day i was freaking about the person who spiked me drink and did god knows what to me.

i hope you will allow mw to just vent in my journal sometimes without feeling the need to jump in like i am in an emergency, i know i sure sounfd like that sometimes...that or a drama queen...which most people shy away from...what i mean is that i do not create drama for drama's sake...i simply am dramatic the way i go about things...which isn't to say i exxagerate in anyway...oh god...those of you that will get what i mean will get it. i think i'll be able to explain that later.

anyway...when i AM in a true life threatening crisis i will lwt u know. i'm not about playing bullshit drama games, although some may disagree...whatever.

BUT despite my outpouring of fear and negativity tonight, your words DID help me and thank you. i think i may be able to explain this better later...but more likely i will just move on. i know u know what i mean and god/dess bless each and everyone of you. even in the midst of my drag queen freak out sessions....it may not seem like you are helping, but you always do. seriously. :)

thank you :)

back to polaroids and jennifer tilly
3 comments|post comment

sex [01 Sep 2001|11:40pm]
when you imagined or still imagine what sex should be according to what you heard from your friends, media, etc etc...how does that stand up to what you have experienced sex as really BEING?
does it exceed your expectations or follow short of them. if so either way...why do you think that is and how do you feel about it?

and

how important IS sex in your life and how important a roll do u think it will play when you are 70?

at which age to you does sex become "gross"?

here's an interesting post:
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=9791251&nc=17
by stark

tonight around 7pm jason and i sat down in a warm empty parking lot and had a wonderful communication.

more later when i wake up this afternoon
12 comments|post comment

cocoon [03 Sep 2001|09:15pm]
i've been hanging out at jason's 'cause i don't feel well and need to chill. don't worry, i'm ok :) i just need to smoosh into him and cocoon for a bit
4 comments|post comment

transformative life experiences :) [03 Sep 2001|09:35pm]
congratulations to eebomb for giving birth to a baby boy!
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[03 Sep 2001|11:13pm]
i guess i will be at my place tonight. i'm feeling a bit better but it's because i took some neurontin. i hate that if i do not take meds i feel that life is pointless and overwhelming. it's really bizarre. tomorrow i can call my shrink and see if he can call in my serzone. i hate neurontin, it makes me feel better, but it makes me feel kind of stoned and dizzy.

tonight jason moved all the anacam biz stuff onto one of my computers here so now i truly am solely in charge of all that is anacam and ana2. it's a liberating feeling :) and jaosn is really glad he doesn't have to deal with it anymore. he starts college in a few days!

i have another computer that jason made windows 98 for me so i can use my scanner, but i can't get it connected into my network because the network card in it will not recognize windows 98. so....i will scan for a bit with it and put the scans on floppies, and then i'll make it windows Me so i can get it connected to the net and then THAT computer will be the one that will do the sound.

the sound is off now temporarily because the computer that was doing that is now the business computer.

i still have one more computer that is NT...then i will make THAT one windows 98 and scan on that one. man, there is always SOMETHING technical going on here that takes up all my time...if it's not unraveling cords or reinstalliing software or fixing cams...it's something else. speaking of which the one cam i have that is on right now is dying so i'm going to have to get $ from somewhere and take in my 4 broken camcorders and get them fixed and then ana2 will be a beautiful thing to behold with all it's cameras everywhere everywhere everywhere :) i cannot WAIT until this happens.

i lost another pound so i am now at 111 lbs. my waist is 27 inches and it needs to be 25 inches to scrunch into that chinese james bond dress.

i had no idea these existed! i am just flabberghasted!

people are talking about it here:
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=9950562&nc=30
--------
i don't want to be up this late again.
i wish that my brain chemistry would correct itself because i am just really depressed. never in my life have i ever felt normal and boring. but i am feeling that way right now and it really sucks. i have to refabulatize myself. it all just feels wrong. it feels like i veered off onto some wrong track...i started clicking back into it whehn i was moving all my furniture around...and now i feel like i'm back in the quicksand. i'm being too hard on myself, i know. i'm either in the process of cocooning myself and i'm 1/2 in and half out feeling all sticky and exposed...or i'm comiing OUT of the cocoon feeling the same way. i can't tell if i feel like i'm about to give birth to something or that i'm dying. or if the thing that is wanting to get born is dead inside me or maybe it's inside me but it's eating me up and that's why i'm dying. maybe it's trying to eat itself out. i don't know what the fuck is going on. i don't feel connected. i feel in pieces.

oh wait...i think i know what it is...
i've been trying so hard to get my life in order..to have my house perfect, my body perfect, to get back into some big project...but it just isn't gelling. nothing is being perfect. i'm not looking back at what i'm doing and being 100% pleased with it. i'm sorta like..oh...is THAT all there is to that? after ALL that work?
it must be the depression. it's just my brain playing tricks on me. i'm being productive but now that doesn't even seem to be enough for me.
i'm discontent and disappointed with things. with people, with myself, with my environment. i can't seem to make peace with things. there is just not one single aspect of my life right now that i am completely satisfied with. so i feel i have no cornerstone to build on. i'm floating. i'm scared. i need stability. i need comfort. i need to know everything is going to be ok. not just ok, but fabulous. it can be done. i'm in a very weird place.something drastic must be done.

i've had this feeling twice before, now that i think about it. and both of those times it was this feeling that got me motivated to do something drastic and get shit done and record a new record. i need to make another record or some such huge year long project. i need to really sink my teeth into something. i think i'm pregnant with too many ideas and it's making me sick.

i guess i'm glad that fall is right around the corner. i need to cocoon. i've made myself too open. i can't be this open right now. it's not good for me. it makes me feel like the wind is blowing holes into me and i'm leaking out. i'm not a solid shape.

something drastic has to happen and it's not going to be that i take the cam site down or anything. but ya, maybe i really do need to just stop writing in here for awhile and take down the forums so i have nothing to distract me. i think i need to become incommunicado. i have too much input from too many places. constant input. CONSTANT. and it's all very fascinating and wonderful and i love it. but i think i've just had too much input now about just EVERYTHING and man, i need a break from it. digesting THAT much input per day for 4 straight years. that's a lot of input. and then i output about the input...and then what you get are posts like this from me. which are annoying and boring as hell. at least they are boring to me. because i simply i totally bored of this input output cycle i can't seem to break free from. i've just gone past the healthy line here. i didn't know where that line was. so that was totally necesarry for me to find out...because i'm curious like that. but yes...i think i have found that line. at least for today, or this minute. i don't know. see how confused i am? i'm like talking in circles here so much so that i've created some sort of whirlpool that my energies are draining into and disappearing into god knows where.

i need to fill in the cracks and holes now and create a safe place for me to give birth to my new ideas. my ideas are afraid to turn into reality because they are afraid they will get disappated or rained on. i have no roof. i have no floor. no wonder i'm nervous.

maybe this is just my brain that is not working right saying these things. i can't even be sure.

something something something....i feel like i'm making a fool out of myself with all these angsty entries lately. but whatever. whatever whatever whatever. i'm not very healthy right now. i'll be ok tho. i'll be ok.

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when i turn on my nightvision on my cam, i cannot get the word "nightshot" off. nor can i even get to the menu anymore where i can turn on or off the demo mode and it won't bring me to the picture effects options so i can have sepia and nothing happens when i push the digital effects button anymore. and i used to have 3 different levels of nightvision now i only have one.

this is what it sounds like when doves cry :(

16 comments|post comment

I AM COCOONING [04 Sep 2001|03:42am]

i don't know when i'll be coming out. but when i do, i will have many cool things to show you.

[04 Sep 2001|12:50pm]
i've decided that in my lifetime, it must be made possible that cloning will be available to the public so that we may clone our pets because i NEVER want to live without the pookadog. i couldn't bear it. even if i have to go to the black market of cloning. i will clone the pookadog over and over. i also want to clone myself. i wonder if i did, if my clone would be as nervous as i am. i wish i knew how to clone. i'd clone everyone a pookadog. if there is anyone out there who would please clone my pookadog, let me know. i also volunteer to be cloned. feel free to clone me. i don't mind.
i am the android in the song utopia by goldfrapp. and when she sings, " my dog needs new ears...make his eyes see forever...make him live like me...again and again...."
that is me being an android singing about my pookadog. i want everything to be that new and calm and serene everyday. reboot me and defragment me everyday.

i have a story i want to write about a girl who builds an android that is her. the android loves her and becomes more human to be like her, and the girl loves the android and becomes more of an android to be like the android. they want to understand each other's experiences. empathy isn't enough. pretty soon there is no distinction and they become one.

since i have no scientific knowledge to write a story along these lines that would be believeable...it will have to be that this is all just taking place in her head because she is crazy.

basically it will be the story of my life. since i'm already living it, perhaps someone else could write it for me.

here is a photo of alison goldfrapp that i got from her site http://www.feltmountain.com

isn't she beautiful?

[04 Sep 2001|01:50pm]
sometimes it's better for me to just wonder what you're thinking than to find out what you really are thinking.

[04 Sep 2001|04:23pm]
i've been waiting around all day for my dr. to call me. but i need to get to the bank. i have to leave. i know right when i leave he'll call. this sucks. i'm so depressed. i hate this feeling i have that i am not a spectacular person full of joy. nothing is making me happy except that there is sunlight. that helps a bit. nothing has any meaning to me, or joy. i'm not looking at my japanese screens with a sense of wonder. i'm just like "oh. those are nice." nothing is magical. i see beauty but it's all so ordinary and i don't feel inspired by it. i don't appreciate my ideas or want to do any of them. i just want to curl up in a ball in the sun and just stay like that until either this feeling goes away or i just go away. i'm not suicidal or anything. i'm just incredibly blah. i'm just like...whatever. food doesn't taste good. there's nothing i want to eat. i don't have anything to eat anyway. it seems i take two steps forward and ten steps backward. i know i'm making progrress. i think sometimes feeling this numb nothingness is worse than feeling just really really sad or something. i have no interest in anything.
they say what depression is is anger turned inward. and anger is just fear.
i feel scrunched up. i feel i don't dserve to breathe or take up space. that's why the anger goes inward. i don't want to be angry at anyone but me because i don't want to bug anyone with my anger. i don't even want to bug the ones i'm angry at. and i can't change them anyway. i can only change myself. there's no point to discuss it or yell or anything. i don't have hope. i guess i have a bit of hope. but it's not enough. i feel like a coward for not doing something drastic to change my situation. like move to japan or something and work at the sanrio factory. i don't know. i don't know anything.
another beautiful september day wasted because my brain is not functioning properly. how utterly stupid and wasteful. here is my life just passing before my eyes. and what do i do about it? i type in here. how pathetic.
please don't give me any advice. i feel utterly hostile about advice right now. it's not your fault. i just want my doctor to call me back. he looks like john denver. i like him. i've been seeing him since i was 20. he's not being mean not calling me back, it's just that he never gets his messages. it's like the government over there. the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing over there.
and i'm also not writing this so sympathy. i'm just writing this because it's my journal and this is what i do. i write in my journal.
i took a neurontin so that could help me leave the house. i ate a can of tuna.
what i really need is just a patch of land to call my own that i can lay on and i need to be held every day for at least an hour. that's really all. and writing that makes me cry now. and i don't want to cry because i have to get to the damn bank that i've been trying to get to for the last several weeks.
star wrote me and said he thought there was this university in texas that will clone your pet for 5,000 bucks and there's a waiting list. i wonder if that's true. i want to get on the list.

[04 Sep 2001|04:44pm]
nope. i'm not gonna make it to the bank. fuck. i'm going to be in trouble. i am so defective. i just need some godddamn money orders to give to two people that i bought something from ebay from them. two little things. can i send a 20 dollar bill through the mail? i can't get a money order. i can't get out there. ever. i am so fucking fuct. i am so angry at myself. i don't want them to leave negative feedback. fuck fuck fuck
and this place that washed my windows is taking me to court to get 100 bucks from me. i need to get them a money order, too. i don't want to go to court. i mean, if this is the worst life can be...getting negative feedback from ebay and owing 100 bucks, i'm really living a pretty good life. it's not like i have school loans to pay off or anything. and i am getting out of debt slowly.
and some emergency room bill from eons ago...800 bucks...they wanna garnish my wages. ha. sure. whatever. go ahead and try mean emergency room people who did nothing for me but give me some maalox then charge me 800 bucks for that and the ridicule and belittling. ya, i'm angry. i have anger. i need less anger and more money.
i will make it through this. i'm a tough motherfucker. i'm not going to let this get me down. thsi is all not a big deal. it's manageable. i can manage it. i can. it'll all be ok. i have money to pay rent and bandwidth and the phone. i still have time to go buy some food. there is 3 more hours of daylight.
my doctor didn't call. damn.

[04 Sep 2001|05:54pm]
i finally got a hold of my doctor and he is going to call in a presciption for generic prozac for me right now and jason is coming home soon and then we'll go get it. it's so weird knowing that everything is fine logically, but still i'm crying my eyes out. it feels so stupid. i have a defective brain. it doesn't make enough seratonin. i don't think i really dealt with that whole incident where my drink was drugged and now in my subconscious i just cannot get outside again. i am so terribly tired of the bad things in this world. but i know that my life is really actually pretty darn great. i'm just having a hard time grasping that right now. prozac takes awhile to kick in, so it will probably be a few days before i'm back to normal. my doctor is so nice he said to make an appointment to see him even though i cannot afford it ( he is 150 bucks for 25 minutes ). he said that he wouldn't let me not get care over a stupid thing like money. but soon i'll be able to pay him back.
i hate when i cry how my face puffs up. and if that's the only gripe i have right now then my life is damn good. it IS damn good. fuck, just...i will get through this. weirdly enough i'll probably be fine in an hour. god. it's so weird. i hate this. but there are definitely worse disabilities to have. please again, no advice. i just can't handle any advice at all right now. thank you for your kindness and understanding.

[04 Sep 2001|10:19pm]
going to walgreens was like going to some crazy emergency room. it took hours to get my prozac. kids were screaming their lungs out thr whole time. i'm spent and wired. i'm glad this day is over with. sure wish i had spent it laying in grass somewhere. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
i got some colour xeroxes of my polaroids done. gonna cut them out with scissors and make something with them. they were supposed to be on transparancies but they didn't do that. didn't find that out until i was already home.
the moon is huge a bright yellowish orange. something freaky is going down astrologically. i can feel it. it can't be just me. it was crazy out there. just crazy.
i'm gonna go spend the night at jason's. gonna bring up my xeroxes and cut and watch a movie. tomorrow i can take my prozac. if i took one now i wouldn't be able to sleep. but then again, i'm always up all night anyway.
generic prozac is about 50 bucks cheaper which makes it still 150 bucks for me which is still just too much to pay for me.

i bought some chrome nailpolish for 2 bucks. it kicks ass.

hey stacy, i've been wearing the same outfit for days again, you'd be laughing :) i love you. i think i'll go switch into another outfit now to sleep in before i go up to jason's.

oh god...and get the hilariousness of this....right when i get home i get an email from the boyfriend who used to physically abuse me. the one that really fuct me up for life. ya that one. he said, "Sources tell me you are not well. let me know if u need my help."

now THAT is funny. i really did laugh out loud. and what's pathetic about it even more is that i actually want to call him and have him say loving things to me like he used to because he really could be so very kind. and that's why when he hit me it fucked me up all that much more.

life is funny. here we are. and pooka is humping sebastian again.

and to the "sources" telling cris that i'm not well...just tell him that it'd be cool if he could find a piece of spot's fur and clone him. i miss spot. spot was the best cat that ever was.
and then tell cris to time travel and take back all that bad stuff he did. i want it erased it from my brain like it never happened. and i'd also like a case of coca cola and some beans and rice, please.

when jason and i had our long talk in the warm parking lot the other day. we made a deal that we aren't going to let any bad past relationships fuck up our love for each other. we are two good people. two good people who don't deserve to be scarred in the way we are. we are going to do a relationship the right way despite the fact that we have never really witnessed how to do this. but we are going to do it despite everything. we deserve this.

http://www.fetik3.com/bbs/messages/13833.html

very interesting! and i'm going to do some of the things it says to do today to get back on track!
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yet another marvelous idea from livejournal! [05 Sep 2001|10:02pm]
http://www.livejournal.com/create.bml

there's a new system now to get a free account so it's harder for people to abuse livejournal :) yay!
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[05 Sep 2001|10:25pm]
i think by monday i should be pretty much back to normal as i've got my meds now. it takes a bit for them to kick in. today was a tiny bit better...just because at least i know it will get better.

i also want to take this entry to put the words down and the thoughtforms out that i take away all negativity i wrote in my livejournal about myself. i take all that i said that was not for my higher good and the higher good of others out of "the law" ( of karma ) forever. i do not wish myself harm nor others harm. for the higher good of all, according to free will. and so it is.

(this is my new age version of a wiccan way to undo)

i don't want to get too compulsive about it to the point where i am afraid to express myself in a fearful way without also having the fear that i will only create more fear and be stuck in a vicious cycle then. but i really put A LOT of energy out there that i now take back and dissapate in a peaceful easy way for the good of all.

and in it's place i put hope, clarity, nonjudgementalness, security, comfort, love and light for the good of all according to free will. and so it is.

thank you universe for all that you have given me. thank you for all my treasures and my gifts of creativity. thank you for my beautiful apartment and for my wonderful boyfriend and my three dogs who are indeed al buddha :) thank you for my infinite wealth in all it's forms that abounds all around me and makes me so happy to be able to witness it and interact with it, which is you , which is me, which is all, and which is infinite in all it's ways.

dear universe, help me to be able to express myself in a more positive way when i am feeling fear and to have the clarity and wisdom that i need to make wise decisions in my life for the higher good of all.

thank you. amen :)
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i love you, jason :) [05 Sep 2001|10:30pm]
[ mood | loved ]

:)