anagram 08.19.99

i finally got a night of rest thanks 2 a friend who sent me some xanax. thank god. i was wigging out. i had called the dr. 2 refill my prescription and he was on vacation! and this is the only time i've ever run out like that. what are the chances? then the dr. who was filling in for him refused to call my pharmacy and refill it. it was his personal policy not to do a call-in on that drug. well, my other dr. calls in and does it so i know it's not a legal issue. what an asshole the other dr. is. they KNOW that u can't just stop taking xanax. they fucking no. asshole. but anyway, i'm ok..i have enough 2 last me until the 25th..when i see my dr. and i was so bloated it was silly. today i weigh 5 pounds less than yesterday! my anles were so swollen. i measured then and the circumfrence of my right ankle was 10 1/4 inches. today it is 8 1/2 inches. i was a bloatation device. i still am staying off amitriptilyne even though i'm terrified of my period being right around the corner. i'm drinking ginseng tea. and i'm gonna try to eat tofu everyday because i heard that soy has hormones in it that are benefivial to women ( like good for hot flashes and it's also good for men's prostrate )

i took some of the drawings i did that i scanned from that anagram long ago and reduced their size so u could actually see them :) now that i know about the resize feature! lol :)

i am adamant about getting off all the drugs i'm on because i'd just like to feel the difference. if there is any. but if life sucks without them, i'll go back on. so be it. it's not the worst thing in the world.

i don't know what i'll do today, i don't feel on top of it yet. i've moved cams 3 and 4 to my big computer so i'll see how it can handle that load *crosses fingers* already today i've been making soom cool pix on cam3..the black and white connectix emmett gave me :)and i am getting a computer today for the streaming! shane from interotique is sending it 2 me. we made a trade..a computer for a banner! very cool! so pretty soon ( for those of u that can see the emulive thing work ) i'll be streaming as much as i can without driving jason nuts. it's just another option. i actually prefer still pictures 2 steaming most of the time, but for those of u who like streaming..well, there u are :) and if i start to do anything interesting on the streaming i'll save it and put it in an archive for u 2 watch later :)

here was my mailing list message i sent out:

ok, I don't mean to rain on anyones free expression sexual liberating parade and I love B/s D/s etc. and role playing a lot and I know that anything that is consensual is ok BUT I just joined the camgirl webring and I clicked on the next site button from my site and the first site that popped up was: http://www.megasyntek.net/deviagurl/ and it said: "But, if you want to see a real life slave, getting fucked, beaten, degraded, humiliated and forced to serve her husband, then enter" and that really bothers me…because I really want to be a part of the whole camgirl community..but I just cannot condone being degraded and humiliated or forced…. I know that it is most likely done in the spirit of "loving consensual role playing adults" BUT… it bothers me greatly…. what are your thoughts and feelings about this? on a more mundane note, i am like some sort of bloation device today. my shoes don't fit and my rings are too tight. it's really rainy here. isabella from www.isabellacam.com told me of a cool new site: www.iloveveronika.com her journals are very interesting! to view them all go to the bottom of the august journal page..then click on "august" which will take u to a duplicate page...then if u scroll down THAT u will see a link to july and so on. what is it with camgrrls and winnie the pooh? i just bought two more domains..www.punkgirl.com and www.queergirl.com i'm kinda going domain happy :) two members of this list were brilliant enough to yell at me for sending out mass emails...lol...god....back into the primordial soup u go..'cause u ain't done cooking! for the past two days i've been working on a 94 page anagram! it's comprised of scanned pages of this little punkish collage type book i made in 1994 with bits and pieces of my art , stream of consciousness stories, photos from my childhood, and diary entries from 1976-1979 which are completely hilarious! like get this..in one journal entry from 1976: " i always thought my dad was nice. we had a talk about hitler. we had a good time. i love my dad." what on earth??? i'm almost done putting it all together. it might be up later tonight. i'm not getting any sleep because i ran out of xanax. i see the dr. on the 24th. so i have a whole week to go through withdrawal. yay. not fun. plus , going off amitriptilyne as maybe not a good idea as i had a migraine so bad the other day that i threw up :( nightmare. i had 3 hours of sleep last night, 4 the night before and three the night before. things are starting to get hallucinatory! send me some sleeping pills to my p.o. box why dontcha! i'm thinking about putting together a fund drive to get my poor black brother out of this little white hicktown he's stuck in. yes, he was adopted. he is 3 years younger than i. he has a ton of learning disabilties due 2 the fact that he has fetal alcohol syndrome. no one even knew what that was when we adopted him at around age: 3 months. anyway, so he grew up with us and we always lived in 99.99% white hick towns, so he is more white than i am in that he still lives there grits and he is the one who watches "dukes of hazzard" and eats lefse for crying out loud! i am the one who " yo! s'up bro!" so...there were these hell's angels that were really harrassing him until recently until one of them died while chasing and harrassing a poor amish family. the guy as on his motorcycle and slipped under the wheels of the wagon. karma. anyway...his life is still hell now. he is agoraphobic as hell now the poor guy. everyone stares at him . he is the only black person. he can't even look at a white girl without getting practically beaten up. he just stays inside and watches tv..he doesn't even have cable! and he is really allergic to everything but loves animals..so he has a pet rat and some gerbils and some goldfish that are his total life. i feel so awful. i wish i had some $ 2 help him out! my parent's don'tr know what to do either because he is an adult...but he is just not capable of making a decision and moving out of there. he can't even deal with anything and he's just getting worse. so maybe i should start a fund drive to get him a little bitty house somewhere in the suburbs where he can watch cable and play with his pet rat in peace without fearing for his life. :( ok...well, there is nothing that i could write after that! and..sorry this letter is such a huge nig bummer of an email! things aren't as bad as i'm making them out to be! on my end , at least! i promise the next one will be more uplifting! ok, lemme see how i can end this on a more positive note! ummmm... go here: www.snarg.net if u haven't already..it's delicious! maybe soon i'l go take a bubblebath :)

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