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Thursday, August 17th, 2000

1:11p well, i have a lot to say about so many responses from the entry below. but for now i will not reply cause i wannna condserve me energy :) tonight is the premiere of cirque du soleil and i'm going! yay! i am so excited!!

2:18p ok, i found some energy
when cris wrote this:
"I did what i could as the fallen faerie queen vomited and deficated upon her
own floor, out of sight of everyone. ). {i dare you to print that} "

sioban1 pointed out,
"Ana, the fact that he includes in his reply something that he thinks you will be humiliated by and then dares you to print it just goes to show that he's still trying to control you, make you feel bad, be a generally manipulative person. "

that is a VERY insiteful oberservation! one that i did not even catch. indeed, he is a subtle in his ways, too. wow. it just shows me how long i have to until i can really SEE HOW this happens to me. it just flies right past me. and boom, before u know it..i have no self esteem left and i'm utterly confused!
this is SUCH a good thign to write about thsi stuff in public because there is stuff i would never catch on my own.

and just as he calls me "a fallen faerie queen"
an then adding that deficating part and daring me.
yes, it is definitely a power game.

i also thought it interesting that ( another livejournal user pointed out ) that he would not talk about it here...because HERE is where he has no power and cannot control!

also he says he who has no regret cast the first stone. well, i have no regrets so i'll throw one.

here, he really does admit he has not changed with this statement, "Perhaps all the drugs and therapy cannot change a person. I don't know"

he doesn't know. great.

and he stills shows how clueless he is when he write this:
"You have nothing to fear from me. (even then, the night of the Uptown bar
fire, i was not glaring at you out of hate. I was gazing at you in awe and
desire, as always - even in the worst of times"

well, that "staring at me the awe and desire" won him a restraining order!
u just don't go stare at a person like that at a SHOW where i obviously cannot go anywhere, since i'm on a stage. and he knew damn well that by going there that night he would make me feel very freaked.

and he continues,"And, with one word of
explanation: sometimes felt that my gaze as such was not reciprocated"

well, ya. DUH. if you're gonna gaze at me like THAT. or maybe it was all those underage girls you had sex with that u would then bring back to babysit your kids that threw me off. huh?

you've got nowhere to hide now, cris. i'm naming it. i'm shining light on it. and i'm reclaiming my power.

and he continues saying this, "
Also, just to show that all is not as one sided as most would like
to believe: i did not draw you that night because i thought it was
beautiful. I didn't want to forget the moment that i thought was a wonderful
summing up of how i felt then. That is,- that the great R put on a
fabulous show in front of all her adoring fans, with the wicked one in the
corner. Yet, when all was said and done, she called upon me for support. "

can someone say CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR?
when all was said and done ( when i was finally completely powerless) it was he who supported me ( was in power again )

anyway if you love that person,it's REALLY weird to draw that person who is writhing on the floor vomiting. talk about REALLY weird.

i summing up about how things were: i was powerless and he sat there in complete control drawing it.

gross.

and this last thing he says,
"I don't know who that person that you knew was. He is a distant memory of
a stranger to me. Just as he is a stranger to anyone but you. I wish you
could forget him. but i know you can't. At least, you tell yourself you
can't".

he can't even remember his past. he doesn't know who that person was. it was YOU cris it was YOU. it named CRIS. that who is who was. and until u figure that out you will never change.
and don't tell me that "at least you tell yourself you can't"
like i am just sitting here ABLE to block shit out like u so obviously do.
FUCK YOU.

i feel really sorry for your latest girlfriend. i wish to god i could save her. and i know that is the reason that you would never give me your home phone number or your home address, but always had to go through your brother.

you're keeping all of this a big secret from her. u want to control what information from your past makes it to her. u don't want us accidentally ever talking on the phone without your observation.

and when u wrote me your letter, how u woudn't put your home address on it, you put your brother's....like u were afraid of your girlfriend finding out that u wrote to me.

control. control. control.

i hope that by writing thsi out i cannot only learn how to see the "signs' of controlling behaviour better, but also so that all of u can see it and we can all learn to be better people nad better communicators.

this stuff NEEDS to be written about in a public place.

------

Re: your writing
ana
2000-08-17 15:35
thank u :)
just so people get the url right it's:

www.anacam.com/book

i am gonna add SO much more to it...years and years worth of writing. i've really been learning a lot about myself by going back and rereading and typing out my old journals. i think journaling is the best thing a person can do for oneself to learn about SO much!

i am really glad that brad made thsi livejournal thing, it has inspired many to start journalling :)

and i love how we can all link our journals together :)

yay, for brad :)

-------

Friday, August 18th, 2000

2:00a mmmmmmmmmmm :)
oh my god. cirque du soleil!!!!!!! oh. my. god.
BEAUTY!!!!!!!
i cried during the whole first set. especially when the tiny little girl in blue did her gorgeous lotus flower contortionist.....aaaaaa. total perfection and total focus.
i wish i could do a documentary on her.

so much 2 say...
then jason got 2 sick , his stomache...
and we had to go home really really fast after it was done.
and so i did not get to go to the party afterwards :(
and i eally have this inner feeling that if i went 2 that party i would meet someone who would be very important in my future.

so...since that didn't happen THAT way...maybe my typing this will put the little call out to that person to get in touch with me some other way.

PLUS i want to thank the person who got me on the list to see that gorgeous thing!!!

who is this mystery person? are u reading this? HI! THANK YOU!!!!!

i have not read all the replies to my entry below...so i wil do that now...and then i will go into the bedroom to see if i can comfort jason. he wanted to be alone in there for awhile, that's how yucky he felt.

i think it is stress because today was his last day at the job he had but decided was not the right job for him. so now he has a new job lined up. so...gadz...i cannot imagine how much stress that is.

well, no , actually i totally CAN, i know exactly how he feels...exactly

aaaaaaDEEEEP BRRRRRRReeathe

so, i have TO GET BACK TO DANCING. i used 2 danve everyday for hours...in my aartment by myself just blasting music and having my opwn littl eprivate rave.
i need to get that back. i need to get in tune with my body again...especiallu since it's changing ebcause i am 34 now. i can see the subtle aging and it is indeed freaky to know that someday i will be very very very wrinkly.

i hope i still have my cam then, i know i will :) and i will take the coolest pix of my wrinkly skin the world has ever seen :)

ok....off to read replies and drink this coke in front of me....

7:21a i haven't gone 2 bed yet. so i guess i will stay up all day and then go to bed early tonight..so MAYBE i can get back on a day schedule..atho night is really fun :)

i am in a happy mood even tho i am dealing with bills right now and printing out years worth of receipts that were sent to me via email..and now i can print them finally.

then i had to go through all my sent email, cause juno can only hold 1,000 sent emails. so i had 2 do some weeding out.

cleaning cleaning...

8:58a i have finally found one food that deiter will NOT eat ( and that will eat styrofoam), smoked fish! but pooka loves it :) cause he's a cat :)
i got this book called the compete japanese chin, and there is just so much history in it..i am fascinated!
but still no one knows REALLY where they cam efrom too much except that they were originally from china then the japanese "perfected" the breed.
i think in the book they said "chin" means CAT!
and the book said they are definitately catlike dogs...the way they wash their faces with their paws :)