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Posted by ANA on August 13, 2000 at 16:27:05:

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Saturday, August 12th, 2000
6:05p my rollerskating protective gear came in the mail yesterday, but not my rollerskates :(
i think today will just be a relaxing saturday.

Sunday, August 13th, 2000

1:16p the show i'm in on msnbc is supposed 2 b on today, but when i go to, i cannot find it :(

here is what they wrote me weeks ago:
""The show you are featured on for MSNBC is called "LOOK AT ME! THE WEBCAM

It will air on MSNBC on Sunday, August 13 at 9PM. It will possibly repeat on
Saturday, August 13 at 9pm (check your local listing for time if you are not
in Eastern Standard Time). Double check on at MSNBC.COM for details"
(15 Comments | Comment on this)
2:54p looks like u can still order my latest cd, and even the maxisingle here:,7923,634071,00.html

i'm gonna eat some pizza now :)

Monday, August 14th, 2000

6:36p i got my rollerskates :) i am waiting until dusk to go try them out ( when it's cooler )
read up on what i missed with big brother.

made some eggs. i bought a thing of "jumbo" eggs the other day. i ghad never seen that size available before, and indeed they were much bigger than regular old large.
but the thing that was REALLY creepy about the dozen i bought was that 7 out of the 12 had double yolks!!!
is that not CREEPY HAS HELL????
what are they feeding those chickens? nasty!

i am in a quandry over my stream at hereandnow. erik has written me back finally, and what he had to say i do not like. first and foremost, what i do not like is he thinks that anacam and hereandnow ARE "in bed together" and they are not two separate entities. whereas i see it that hereandnow is a separate ( but of course RELATED, just not MERGED) project of mine...a very important project, of course. but anacam is NOT merrrrrging with hereandnow. nosirree. or anything that even SOUNDS like a merge.
that would be exactly like me joining another major label again.
anacam is mine. i have worked very very very hard on finally getting creative control over my work and i'm not going to give that up now. not for any price.

so i might just go back to streaming with the real publisher, which i can stream to 60 people at a time...and i'll have to put that into ana2 and not have it on anacam for the reason that i could only stream to 60 at a time.

i have left a message on his machine for him to call me, and i am waiting for him to call me back so we can talk this out.

it's SOooooo hot in my aprtment...even with the air conditioning on...

11:22p cris (my boyfriend from age 22-26) and i....

crsi said in reply 2 my post below:
"This is a comment on your creative slump and your decisions on taking your next steps (to see){i'm just browsing your latest entries to see what's new}.
Do things your own way. Regard nothing else. Run like a ram down the road that will give you the most happiness. That's what you've always done. That's what I've always admired. It's got you where you are, and that is good.
Also, I still have had no reply to the several e-mails I've sent you regarding the book. Where they recieved? -cris.

i say:

thanks cris :)
that is very kind of u 2 say :)

i did receive your emails...but the reason i didn't write u back yet was because i was in a quandry about what 2 write.
the thing that made me in a quandry as 2 whether or not i wanted 2 have u back in my life in a bigger way than u are now ( which is pretty much not at all except for a biyearly hello ) is that u still think that i am 50% at fault for making u into the beast that u were 2 me.
and i don't want 2 deal with u in any intimate way if u can't take 100% responsibility for your actions.
and i really don't want 2 argue with u. that's the LAST thing on earth i want 2 do...because u know and i know that's gonna go nowhere fast...

so...on one hand i am glad 2 have u back in my life in this way...but on the other hand i really don't want 2 argue with u EVER EVER again, and i'm sure u feel the same way.

i will always love/hate u
and it would be nice if we could keep in contact about things going on in our lives right NOW.
that i would like.
but i really don't think i want 2 revisit the past we had WITH u right now...

just that u didn't see as what was happening as "real" like it was all a part of this strange experiemntal play u were really...god...u know that fucking hurts all the more. and u said my journal was so much harsher than yours at that time...and u know..i haven't even GOTTEN 2 the point where u start throwing firniture at me and punching me in the stomache full force because u couldn't stand the fact that i thought the ending of batman was lame because catwoman ended up symbolically being a helpless little kitty that batman cradled and took home.
like it's always the man who is crazy..but he is a successful businessman who can deal with the real world in a businesssut if he has to and has the car and the mansion and all that.
but no...catwoman is just hysterical and crazy and doesn't even know right from wrong because she is so blinded by her hate. so she is completetly incapable of dealing, like a typical hysterical woman.

so i tell u this...and u get so upset u punch me in the stomache full force on that bridge and then u get MAD at me for running away 'cause u think that i'm supposed to be like catwoman!!!
so i run away from u and i'm crying and i get a cab to stop and take me to the crisis center. thenwhen i get HOME u call me and yell at me that i made u so worried because i had gotten into a stranger's car and u didn't know what had happened to me.

was this part of your twisted play?
was i 50% responsible for that?
can u see???????

well, i didn't know i was going 2 go on this tangent here about this. but ya, i know i am scarred for life from that and all that u did.
it's taken me from 22 years old to 34 to finally realize that there is going to be NO release from these memories ever. they are there forever and will most likley replay in my mind daily. there will be no magical moment of "forgiveness" that i hear about sometimes when all that pain is swept away and suddenly they feel so much lighter. there is going to be no magical glorious moment when i find peace with it. at least i'm not counting on that anymore.

for over a decade now i have "dealt" with my anger and now maybe my peace is that i have just accepted now that i am scarred for life. this is the way it is. that is what happened. i cannot divorce myself from those moments nor feel peace or forgiveness when i think about our four years together.

altho, of course i do remember the good times, u held me in the rain under your leather jacket that i got u from ragstock or the time we rescued those hundreds of roses from the snow storm near valentine's and placed them madly all over our apartment delerious with joy that we had found sucha treasure, nor the way u made me beans and rice, nor shall i ever forget the best cat there ever :)

but all these precious things i treasure so deeply are still stabbed in it's a center with a earth shattering sorrowful resounding " HOW COULD YOU HIT ME LIKE THAT IF YOU LOVED ME LIKE THAT?"

u say u owe me an explanation. i would like that.

however i don't think even u know why.
i don't believe that u are still not perhaps in just a different play now acting a new part.

u are an amazing and curious person.
i loved u as intensely as a person could.

but i STILL can't read an anne rice novel yet or even read a sandman comic...because they are still wrecked ( for those of u confused why...cris and i were crazed goths with a frickin coffin in our living room that cris made. gotta love it :)

i still cry about those thinsg and go "why why why????"

then u say , i feels to ME ( most likley because writing things down in this typed form is such a brutal way to communicate and u miss a person's tone of voice and nuances that are so important...and of course we always talked with our eyes the best...), in a rather detached manner, " how curious your journal...i did not know that i had such an effect..."

i just am like "what the fuck???????"

so i think i would be interested in reading yoiur journal, very much so, AFTER i've already typed mine out. i would like to read yours in it's entirety. and then i would need u there in person to perhaps interpret to me better what u wrote.

but of course this all relies now on what u will now do or say next to what i have written here

hoping 2 find peace someday,

( i post it as R because all who knew me as R then, i am still R to them ( like my mom )...and to those who knew me as ana i am that ( like jason)...but if anyone didn't know me as R , then don't call me that because i am now ana, thank u)

i forgot 2 say that it is quite funny that it was neil gaimann (sp?) who alerted tori 2 the fact that i was now ana voog and not R...and that i sin part how i got back together with her again and got 2 interview her in NYC! and u can watch the video still :

did u see it?
isn't it just amazing that i got to interview her?

i remember so vividly when i went 2 see her at first ave during her litle earthquakes tour...and it was drizzling and u didn't want 2 go with and u were sitting on the futon with that little light on and the room slightly hazy with incence and i think u just wante to write in your i left then came home and told u how incredible my experience was, do u remember that? and u were 1/2 asleep when i got home.

i always thought it was so funny that u just loved that little earthquakes album so much and u would sing along to her lyrics yet u never once, i don't think...realized that that could have been me singing about my pain with u.

just go relisten 2 that album and think of it as me singing 2 u...

lyrics from "silent all these years:

" i got the antichrist in the kitchen yellin' at me again...ya i can hear that..."

" yes, i know what you think of me you never shut up...ya i can hear that.."

"so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts, what so amazing about really deep thoughts... boy you best pray that i bleed real soon. how's that thought for ya? "

"Years go by will I still be waiting For somebody else to understand Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty And the orange clouds raining in my head Years go by will I choke on my tears Till finally there is nothing left One more casualty You know we're to EASY easy easy

Well I love the way we communicate Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape Let's hear what you think of me now but baby don't look up The sky is falling

Your MOTHER shows up in a nasty dress It's your turn now to stand where I stand Everybody lookin' at you here take hold of my hand Yeah I can hear them"

and the songs china, and leather..listen 2 those 2

or how about my own songs written about u?
"how can you" "exhibitionist" etc...
can u even remotely grasp those?

(u can download those on mp3 format at

and shine, and breathe you out

do u remember how u showed up to my show at the uptown when we made the stage into a cake and it got accidentally lit on fire and i was up on stage laughing and drunk naked and silver and i could see u through the flames, i wished to just die then, i didn't care. and so after the fire was out i started my set and there u were in the audience glaring at me with your piercing eyes so i had to drown that out ( why on earth would u show up to my show and torture me like that???) and the audience kept buying me drinks cause i asked for them and i sang those songs straight into your eyes as pure as i could make them so u would understand...because what else could i do with u just standing there glaring at me??? i was scared shitless!

but u didn't get it..i think u just liked the drama of fit well into your play...
i think u really kinda got off on the fact that i hurt so much and that U caused it because that made u so powerful and that pain kept us entertwined forever.
maybe that's why u had three kids by the time u were 18.

harrison ( cris' son named after the famous favourite beatle, btw) came on my bbs a few months ago and said hi! can u believe! wow!

then i went home and threw up all night and u drew me as i lay writhing on the floor because u thought that was so beautiful.

how twisted is that?

i'll never forget that. never.'s a weird life..and here we are.


another post from days and days ago:

Posted by ANA on August 10, 2000 at 03:50:58:

In Reply to: Jealousy? posted by maw on August 09, 2000 at 15:16:38:
thank u maw :) u can put things into words so well! i do understand the frustration with so many things ( believe me! i am the one trying 2 keep up with it all the most :)

i like 2 try new things. who knows what will happen. some new things will evolve into other things..some i will get rid of..some will just stay

but i think u said all of that already with your post.

i, too, move reluctantly...but..i am curious :)

i DO wish i could somehow merge under the bed with the livejournal..or have two live journals..or i wish the livejournal could post directly in here..i don't know!

i like the livejournal because i can post really superficial small posts...and it doesn't get in the way with other conversations.

like what if u posted something really important to u in here...and then i just posted 15 really fast posts on top of yours? that would suck for u.
and i wouldn't want 2 do that.

i like livejournal 'cause people can see what i'm doing right now...but they don't have to be burdened by sifting through other replies to it. they only have to read the replies if they want.

no one has to read the stupid replies...and if i do say something that someone wants to reply to over here, under the bed...just cut and paste what i wrote into here...and i'll be glad to reply over here to it :)

replies that happened by me in this livejournal thread:

oh wow
2000-08-14 23:03
wow ,man, u have like, given me such an insight into myself that i had never even know before!
wow, i am truly enlightened and forever in your debt for your kindness! how did i make it through my life all these years without u yelling, "shut up you whiny bitch!"

i mean the TIME alone i could have saved. wow. i could have baked a million cakes and bought some more make up to cover up the bruises from being almost strangled against a wall!

hey! come to think of it..THAT should have been my clue to shut up and stop complaining , huh?
i mean i sure wasn't able to make a sound then, was i? LOL! think of the PEACE it must have gave him to just shut me up by strangling me! even if just for a few peaceful seconds!

wow, how was i that blind? i DEFINITELY won't be that selfish again! god, now that i see the truth because of u know of any doctors that could cut my hands off so i can't type?

oh, THAT'S right. thanks..there's lots of "doctors" like that in afghanistan :) i'll just whore myself somemore so i can buy a ticket to afghanistan and i'll throw myself into a town square with my elbows showing so it'll be a sure thing that i'll get stoned to death for being so vile and unshameful!

maybe women should just have their vocal cords ripped out at birth so we can just all be saved from this terrbile strain of having people shine a light on the truth of matters. oh ya, i think they do that there, a matter a fact they do that HERE ,too, ah, the land-o-the-free..i'll BET u are one! how much do u cost???

actually, i could just save the money and give it all to YOU, then i'll just walk into the street right outside my house right now and i'll be sure to be raped, and then i'm sure that'll shut me up good.

i am so glad there are people like u in the world, ready to whip women into shape when they get outta line!



oh really? i don't have a right to speak of MY past??? does HE own it?
oh yes, let us silence the abuse that happens behind closed doors and also right before our very eyes.
MY eyes. MY past. MY present. MY future.
I'll say what i want , when i want and how i want HERE. because i OWN my words, my feelings, my experiences.
and this is MY journal. all say whatever i want to HERE. it's MINE.

what would make u think that i should have to silence my soul? HE opened the dialogue, not i.
he knows full well what he's getting into here.

it was cris who wrote to me just now,
"Do things your own way. Regard nothing else. Run like a ram down the road that will give you the most happiness. That's what you've always done. That's what I've always admired. It's got you where you are, and that is good"

so i am.
no, i don't want 2 argue. that doesn't mean i WON'T.

well, i don't want him to get beat up by any means. but i appreciate the sentiment that i know is behind your words in that u want 2 protect me from harm and that u want justice.

he DID write to me a thing he wanted to put in the "he said/she said" journal idea i had...but it was an introduction to the readers from himself..not a journal entry from the past. and there were a few things in there that irked me, so i didn't put it up..then i pondered it all this time..until now...when i posted my reply finally

so that's why it hasn't happened