anagram 08.12.99
things are almost the most silent when i'm working out new things 2 do. i've just been thinking and thinking and working out a game plan for what it is i want 2 do. getting my priorities in order. like is it worth it for me 2 go through all of my press for the last 15 years myself and cut it all out from the newspapers and magazines then stick it in a photgraph-type album, and scan it and put it in cd and also then get it on the net and then also type it out too...or should i pay someone 2 do that? and could i even afford 2 do that. it's so hard 2 not only document my life day by day and 2 find time 2 just do that than 2 also go back and get everything from all my life in order and documented 2. i have so much 2 organize. and that's just oner thing. plus i want 2 get a dat machine then make dats of my favourite songs on my vinyl records so that i can make cds from my fave sonfs off my vinyl records so i can get rid of my of my records. i'd keep all the omes that i liked the entire record or ones i like the covers on. bt i could probably get rid of 1/2 or more of my records by making dats. plus do the same thing with my cassettes. plus then there are a ton of jason's cds i want 2 tape so i can listen 2 them in my walkman. there is just SO much 2 consolidate and organize and i want 2 do it myself because then i'd get it done the way i want it done. but i could be organizing and consolidating for the rest of my life! but if i don't do it...then if another decade goes by...my stuff will be even MORE thoroughly unmanageable. so i think about this and i think about which ways to do it and which to do first and WHY do i want 2 do this and am i insane 2 want to get so much organized, consolidated and documented? because after everything is said and done is it even IMPORTANT? am i documenting so much that i actually stop living? am i watching my life so much through a camera eye that i stop living my life "for real"? or is this "for real" how u LIVE? it's hard 2 know sometimes. why do i do this? am i trying 2 leave behind something so that when i die people don't forget me? or am i trying 2 help people by being an example? is it purely selfish or purely selfless? or maybe a bit of both? i was looking at my art today, and usually there are a few things that are common themes that run through my stuff. and usually i know what these themes reprsent to me. but one thing that alluded me is i started doing these paintings of this king a while ago. and the king is holding a cup and pointing at a flying saucer and the cup, the ufo, and his eyes are all the same shape...as a symbol that they are all one. and the text that goes under this is "look, said the king". actually it doesn't have 2 be a flying saucer, it could be anythng the king is pointing at. like on my cd i drew this with the king pointing at a "spool forka dish". and this "look , said the king" thing just struck a chord in my core as being one of my "truths" but i didn't until today, know why. then it struck me that the king is me, and that what i "do", my mission in life...is to point at stuff and say "look". that is jus what i love 2 do. is find little beautiful things and then show it to people. and the best and easiest way to do this is to point it at me...since i don't always have permission to point it at anyone else..and i also just think it's in my nature 2 point it at me since i'm a double aries with leo rising. then i also came across today this little "bio" i made when i was trying 2 figure out what 2 call myself/my art/band when the blue up? morphed/disappeared. i was, for awhile, tiying with the idea of calling my music project/band "R", as R is the first initial in my birth name. plus, my mom calls me "R". and this bio basically says everythuing that my cam is about...so i was just shocked to see that before i even knew what the net was and that i was going 2 have a cam...that i was writing my "truths" out that specifically that i write the same thing i'm writing now. like i already KNEW al that..but i forgot that i knew it...then i re discovered today that i knew all of this years ago. or maybe i KNEW it by now i know it AGAIN from yet a new angle. it's wild. i think i just so much lost my "core" and my "mission" when i was on radioactive that i forgot so much of who i am and why i do stuff...then it all froze up in my and got deadened and killed off and now it's unthawing again and i'm rediscovering stuff i already knew. so it feels nice 2 rediscover my core AGAIN. i wonder how many times i'll keep rediscovering it? and when i'm watching tv and apparently doing nothing at all..is sometimes when i'm really doing my best thinking out of stuff and getting ready to take all my info and go yet another round of creativity with it. anyway...that is one thing i've been thinking about...that and a trillion other things. but i don't have the patience 2 type it all out 'cause it'd take me forever! i scanned my little "bear spirit guide book" and i'll try 2 get that in an anagram. it's such a cool little book.