anagram 08.03.99

something I wrote 2 my mailing list and bbs while at dad's.
much more 2 say and show later. but now it's quiet time.
getting ready 4 bed. unwinding. been making this anagram for hours. it takes a long time 2 sort through the pictures, sifting, renaming, then it what order, etc. gotta get some water. thirsty. long day. I'll say more tomorrow.
here is my email:

Posted by ANA - on August 03, 1999 at 13:48:30:
i've found out that i can broadcast from my dad's house not get
charged xtra 'cause it's on a cell modem. i lost the real modem.he
had 2 go do an unexpected funeral today, even though this is his week
of vacation. such is the life of a minister. so i'm broadcasting 2 ana2's cam1
until he gets home, because even though i found out just now that i can
broadcast from here, i don't want 2 do it while he is around because he
feels uncomfortable around the cam, and i don't want 2 have 2 pay attention
2 the cam. i want 2 be with him. but today until about 7pm i'm alone, which
i was pretty excited about because i've been very nervous and i wanted
2 take some cool pictures of stuff around here without weirding my dad out.
also he has some great nature in his backyard and i wanted 2 go out and frolick
in it and take pictures of it. but as luck would have it, today is rainy! but it's only
noon so there's still hope :) i see little peaks of sun here and there.
the mosquitos will eat u alive out there,too...even in the middle of the day. so dad showed
me where the insect repellant is and so later on i think i'll spray myself
up and venture out. practically the whole time i've been here i've been
wearing my dad's grey sweatshirt and pants. because it was colder up here than i had expected.
after that heat wave where i think about 200 people died from it, it got coldish.
so i'm cracking my dad by looking so normal in these sweatpants and it cracks me up , too.
and 2 tell u the truth i'm kind of digging it. i've never dressed 'normal" so dressing normal for me
is one of the only new odd things 2 wear! i like 2 try new things. kinda cool how sweatpants
are like pajamas u can get away with wearing outside!
i can get into that at this time in my life :) u know, like how i always wear "the stripey pants"
i think that's kind of me swinging in the other direction of "having to" be so glam
4 the record co. i like 2 get glam when the mood strikes me, which as u can see still strikes
me on occasion :) anyway...i've been so nervous the last few days. i mean,i'm always nervous.
i take 3 .25 mgs of xanax a day. but lately i've been taking
more like 6 or 8 a day an i'm gonna run out before i can see the shrink i see
twice a year 2 get them. i see him again on the 24th of august.
i thought i was just nervous 2 see my dad. u know, i always want his approval and stuff.
and then, being in a new environment, is new house i've never seen ( which is really cute and cozy, btw)
and i really thought, am i really getting so dysfunctional that i cannot even leave my house and be away from my
familiar things and jason and the dogs and my email and my computers and my candles and incense ( well, actually
i took candles and incense with and my stuffed panda bear, too!). it seems i cannot catch my breath
my heart is pounding , i can't sleep well. and then my body ever few minutes is feeling like this little
"zot" of electricity is going through it that isn't very jolting but it's weird and uncomfortable.
plus the feeling that my emotions are "unthawing". it takes all my willpower not 2 cry at everything.
most of this is still from going off the pill and my hormones are still wacky. but then i realized,
i know why the nervousness and sleeplessness and the "zot" electric feeling, it is because i have stopped
taking the amitriptyline ( or however u spell it ).
it's that antidepressant i take that used in low dosages every day can prevent nerve pain...which were my monthly
migraines that went along with my periods. but now
that i'm off the pill, i want 2 see if my migraines might be gone even without taking amitriptyline.
so i stopped taking it 2 see. i'll see if it works by my next period.
anyway, when i went on amitriptyline i felt like a sleepy drugged out zombie for about two weeks, then my body adjusted
2 it and i was fine. so, by going off such a sleepy tranquilizing antidepressant is bound 2 make one's body
miss it" and feel a bit nervous, jumpy, and like one's feelings are "unthawing".
whenever i've gone off antidepressants ( because i was depressed) i always had this weird
feeling that all the emotions from the time i was on it kind of unthawed
and dislodged like little pices of ice from an iceberg. a little chip of sadness that had been frozen in my brain in order 2 cope,
unthawed and fell out of my heart and other pieces of my body and soul.
little triggers zapping the old emotions out of my brain. like laser surgery of the emotions.
not bad really. just an odd thing 2 find yourself crying or lsughing out of seemingly nowhere.
after the many years of knowing what antidepressants do, i don't let it freak me, i just "go with it" and know it will run
it's course. so this "zot" feeling of electricity is exactly the feeling i felt when
i went off Zoloft years ago. i'd be ringing up sales at ragstock and little "zings and zots" would go through me.
it's kind of like when you're trying 2 go 2 sleep, but your leg or arm suddenly jerks.
it's not bad but just kind of weird feeling. i don't like it.
so now i know that my nervousness is in great part from going off this drug.
this is the only one i've ever been on for a reason other tha depression. i want 2 slowly see if
i can go off all drugs i'm on. all drugs i take daily anyway.:)
so first id the pill, now it's amitriptyline, then it'll be those antibiotics i'm taking for my skin.
THEN, i'll try the BIG one. xanax. there have been years that i have gone off it. but i hsven't tried i don't think for about a decade.
the recording industry was just too stressful. there was never
a "good time" to go into a nervous withdrawal for a few weeks. hunched in
corners retreating trying 2 breathe. there wasalways a show coming up. a photoshoot. an interview. i had 2 "keep it together"
but now i live in a nice apartment. jason has a job so i know that if everything falls apart in my life due 2 that a crawl into a nervous ball for awhile,
i will not be homeless or unfed ( if i can eat).
my life is just secure enough now were i can venture going off
all my crutches that keep me able 2 "deal" with all the weirdness i've delt with.
and believe me, i do believe i have lived under some wildly stessful situations for the last...umm..
since 1980!
and of course, perhaps the little nervousness of going 2 my dad's has amplified this somewhat.so when i'm nervous i can't eat.
and my dad want's me 2 eat..'cause it's a dad thing. he always thought i was too skinny, even though
i was really happy with my skinniness once i made peace with it.
i got the skinniness from my dad. he was always a twig. he told me yesterday he never did feel good about his skinniness.
anyway, he's happy i have a little belly now and i weigh 107. but i'll
bet i weigh just a bit less than that now 'cause i haven't
been eating a ton since i've been here. which just makes me more nervous 'cause i want 2 appear as "normal" as i can around my dad.
i mean, i pe all the time, and he is like "u r peeing all the time, i'm worried are u disbetic?"
gadz. it's like "no dad, i've just been bloated for days 'cause
of my hormones and the heat and now that i'm at your house and taking a zillion xanax which is a muscle relaxant
in a way i'm just peeing a lot plus i'm nervous so that makes me pee more and i'm going off amitriptyline"
u just can't say that 2 your dad and sound normal.funny that.
'cause lots of people have weird body phobias when around other people...like not wanting 2 eat in front of others
because they burp a lot or food gives them gas for a variety of reasons.
too bad we can't all be upfront about all our weird body things.
that's when it's nice when u can find a "mate" that u can just tell all of this too. then u can live
a more peaceful life. like i just have weird habits to most people, like sleeping in bits and pieces, and
eating in little bits here and there. i've always been like that. i just like it
that way. i lik 2 sleep when i'm sleepy and eat when i'm hungry.
i don't like 2 force my body 2 do things it doesn't feel like doing. makes sense.
and it took me years 2 get over the guilt of that.
'cause if u don't fall into the world's eating and sleeping habits..god help u.
i think we'd all be a lot more healthier and happier if we could get in touch with
what our body wants when it wants it and in the amounts it wants it.
easier said than done, i know..in this "modern day". glad i'm a "camgirl" then. glad
and giddy 2 no end that i have carved out my life 2 suite me.
people talk about retirement. like i'll do this and that when i retire.
i'm never going 2 "retire" at least that is how i feel now.
i'm doing exactly what i would do if i were "retired".
just being an artist. i'll always be drawing on something or making something
whether that leads me to a mansion in spain or a little dollhouse in a tiny town or an insane
asylum. i'll always just be doing what i'm doing.
that's why i covered that yoko ono song on my last cd " ask the dragon"
it says it so well. jason thinks it's a silly song but it just makes me happy as hell :)
"ask the girl why she dances in the sun and she says, "i'm just doing it..i'm just doing it...
'cause it's fun!'" :)
well. i'm starting 2 feel a bit more normalized now
that i've written this out and i'm alone with my twitches
and i'm listenin 2 radiohead. god bless radiohead!
my poor little laptop can barrely keep up with me typing in notepad, lisening 2 a cd on here, uploading a picture 2 ana2 every 30 seconds,
and me monitoring it on the remote window browser thing.
it's REALLY humid in here.
yesterday my dad and i went 2 visit his mom and dad's graves.
i hsdn't seen the graves since grandpa died a few years ago. the earth
was sunken in. it made me feel weird. i took some kind of blurry pix of the gravestones with my cam.
but the sun was shining on the laptop monitor so much i could barely see what i was doing.
i took pictures of that. and of course we had the great time of being there right when the guy with the lawnmower
was there mowing over grandma and grandpa.
and i took pix of my great grandmas and grandpas and a few uncles.
and i took a picture if this cute little lamb gravestone from someone's baby.
my dad said he will be buried there and is brother, too will be buried there. all the family together.
and i said, " dad, can i be buried here? is there room for me?"
and he said no, no room. :( and he said it just so matter of fact it really makes me want 2 cry just to type that out.
dunno. i just feel so...without a family in so many ways.
just don't belong or fit in anywhere. not even at a family grave site.
and this was after he said that it was so peaceful and comforting for everyone 2 be buried together.
what, like here do i belong then?
so i said, well can i be cremated and my ases spread on top of all of u?
and he said ya, i could probably do that.
not that i've ever even thought about being buried in a family plot.
i never think of it because i never see the family plots. nor the families.
all my other relatives on my mom's side are in canada. my mom doesn't even wabt 2 give
them my email addresss because she is so embarrassed of what i do.
i've always wanted a funeral pyre in south dakota. but i suppose i can'thave that because it's probably
not legal for me because i wasn't born an indian in this lifetime.
but that's what i'd likemost of all. i love fire. i want a HUGE pyre
right in the middle of the plains. whenever i see the plains
i feel "home". i feel at home by the sea, too. but i don't want my ashes in the sea.
after seeing a crematorium i do not want 2 be cremated unless by funeral pyre. and i SURE to GOD
do not want to be in a coffin with fermaldahyde in my blood and my jaw sewed
shut and make up on. gross.
if i HAVE 2 be in a coffin. please just spray paint me silver.
i'm serious. in fact, please just spray paint me silver before i
go on the funeral pyre on the plains.
and anacam can just be my "tombstone". although i hope
2 leave behind a kick ass dome house that will be a sculpture.
i've been thinking i should make out a will. 'cause i have a lot of cool stuff.
sorry, 2 be talking about death again, but hey..that's life :)
and i was just at the graves yesterday now my dad is "conducting"
a funeral.
i can't make this quickcam pro cam look good for the life of me.
when i get home i'm gonna go install the ordinary quickcam back on here.
i wish their quickclip wasn't such a piece of shit too, 'cause i'd love 2 run a cam coder off of here.
the guy who helped make the quickclip wrote 2 me once late at night.
i couldn't get the damn thing 2 werk, it was always breaking..and when it breaks it
sends out this littlemessage that it's not functioning.
well, the guy who helped make it saw his little "non functioning" message
and wrote 2 me saying how happy he was 2 see i was using it.
so i wrote back saying..but can u make it WORK?
well, i never heard from again.
you
d think people would like 2 make quality products!
i wish i knew how 2 make a cam that i could make the perfect one.
i have tested so many i know EXACTLY what i want.
*sigh* :)
oh, and then also yesterday dad and i went 2 visit his brother ( my uncle)
in this home. he is retarded. i remember him as a sweet humpty dumpty
type person. but he was kind of cranky yesterday and he didn't
remember me :( i'm sure i just looked very different. i haven't
seen him in over a decade.
i remember playing ball with him in grandma's fromt yard. i miss the farm.
we drove by it yesterday. the barn is falling down.
but someone is living in the house. i dream about that farm
all the time. i'm glad i had the experience of seeing what
a real family owned and operated farm was like. a small farm compared
to those now. my grandpa had cows and grew corn and potatoes.
so many stories in there.
all the farm people would take their trash to a huge
dump in the midddle of nowhere.
i'd always walk way out through the corn to get 2 the big pile of rocks that was the dump and go treasure hunting.
the best thing i ever found was this nice cereal bowl
that is white an soooo thick and heavy. i love
the denseness of it. i always vowed that when
i finally got to have a cat of my own and i would
name the cat "fork" ) that that bowl would be it's food bowl.
well, now it's pooka and deiter's bowl...so it did fulfill
it's mission i gave it :)
ok, i've listened 2 the radiohead cd "the bends" twice as i've written this.
it's still cloudy and humid. dunno what i'll do next.
maybe take pictures of the cool little knick knacks around here.
maybe i'll spray myself up with insect repellant and go outside
anyway. dunno yet.
tomorrow i come home sometime at night.
oh! and duh..ANOTHER death related thing...my dad and i rented that movie "dead man"
with johnny depp in it. it's VERY good. it's VERY weird.
we both loved it. it's extremely well done.
ok, that's all for now.