anagram 07.17.99

jason and I finally went food shopping today and bought some healthy food. I bought miso soup ! I LOVE miso soup. I bought some instant kind and some actual "real" miso..now I just hafta find a recipe. I know that miso soup is good for women but I can't remember why. now I'm gonna sit down and relax and watch "king of the hill" I love that show, which is weird 'cause I thought I would hate it because I detest beavis and butthead so much than I can barely handle 2 even type the name of that show in here. ok, here is something I posted to the bbs and sent my mailing list yesterday, u probably already read it. oh, and I'm trying 2 figure a way..a cost effective way..2 make my anagrams into a monthly magazine..in either in paper form or cd form…most likely cd form with xtra things in it…like songs and stuff :::

ok, here is what is going on with me the last few months. part of it. this may seem really shallow and petty to most of u and i'm not writing this for any amount of sympathy because i know this is a really small thing and really thank god this is my big complaint about life lately. 'cause if this is all i have to complain about i have a damn good life. and i do! but i went off the pill because i ran out. then i just decided to stay off of it for awhile to see what it was like since i haven't been off the pill in over a decade.
well, my face and now my body are just breaking out like mad. it's so gross. i'm taking antibiotics to keep them under control a little bit. that combined with that i have gained 15 pounds and weigh more than i ever have in my life is making me feel uncomfortable. i know that most people probably think i look healthier this way, but i just don't like it. i'm trying 2 like it. but it's not just so much how it looks as that it feels like i'm very bloated all the time. like there is a beach ball inside of me pressing out. maybe this has something to do with my body adjusting it's hormones, too. since that is what happens during pms. it feels like i've had pms for 3 months straight. and goddammit i just don't want 2 go back on the pill, 'cause i want my body 2 regulate. not that i ever had a bad time on the pill, i didn't. it was fine for me. but if this is how out of whack my boddy is hormonally that it cannot even get back on track without them, i wonder what 2 god the pill DOES to your body. ???
i mean , what a weird thing that i cannot seem to be "normal" without it now. y'know?

my migraines have pretty much disappeared tho..and i wish i could say it was because i went off the pill, but i know that it is because i take amitriptyline (sp?) every day...which is an antidepressant but in small doses it is used as a preventative medicine for nerve pain. now my migraines are no more! yay! but after my body gets used 2 being off the pill i'm going 2 tr 2 get off that, too...just 2 see if i wouldn't get a migraine now because i'm off the pill.

i just want 2 get my body off all of these medicines.
i don't know when i'll ever get off xanax. probably if i ever moved to the country i could. because nature soothes me. :)

and i dunno why..but in my mind..or maybe it's NOT in my mind..it appears to me that i just look a lot older and tireder than usual. dark circles under eyes...that mixed in with bad skin and to me, i just look sickly, tired and crabby.

and i'm not! i'm a wee bit tired tho. what i think i need is to stop complaining and get off my ass and start excercising like i always say i'm going to.

i think that will get my system moving and get all these toxins out of me or whatever on earth is going on.

i know u all don't think my skin is that bad or my stomache is bloated, but i'll just take a picture of it all so u can see what i mean.

so it's not that i WANT 2 be antisocial..i just feel so GROSS that i don't want 2 be in front of the cam without a billion filters on. i know it's really insecure and petty of me. i sound like a vain weirdo.
but i'm going 2 try not 2 beat myself up about how i feel stupid that i cannot be secure enough within myself to just "let it all hang out".

plus video accentuates every tiny "flaw"..it's insane. it makes me look even worse than i look. the good side to it is that with lighting, make up and the right camera angles or filters, i can look pretty nice :)
haha :)

so anyway, i just feel dumb for even writing this..but i'm writing it anyway.
i know that there are people in terminal pain and all that..and that this problem of mine is petty and vain. but i suppose perhaps it is also human nature, too...to want 2 look our best.

god, i wonder how i am going 2 deal with it when i start REALLY aging!
i think that when i just get aged beyond any recognition..it'll be fine..'cause then i can be the gnarled desert woman with the cyber arm that shoots lasers living in the dome house with my llamas and pookas. once i get "ugly" i'll just "go for it" and get REALLY ugly.
i think that what i hate, for me, is the inbetween stage of things. that's why i can never deal with my hair 2 grow out 2 it's mousy colour.

i either want 2 be platinum white..or jet black hair..i either wanna be stunning gorgeous or hideously grotesque. i want 2 be at one side of the pendulum or the other. i want no boobs or big boobs.

the only thing i like inbetween is dusk and dawn.

i think what's really freaking me out is i'm starting 2 look so much like my mother..and i think i equate that with crabbiness and hardship because my mom has had some tough times.
it's a weird thing 2 go through..this "whatever i'm going through thing"

i'm starting 2 get frown lines. i'm starting 2 get cellulite. my skin is changing texture. it's weird. i suppose i am 33 and this is natural. it's just weird when it's happening 2 u!

i can't believe that someday i WILL die. i cannot comprehend it. but it's gonna happen. sooner than i think maybe. i cannot even comprehend that pooka will die! that is totally impossible!

i wonder when i get really old and still walk around my house naked..how many people will be watching?
i think tat will be really interesting 2 age on cam and watch how people react 2 my sexuality during my aging process.
i wonder if i will die on cam. and i wonder if i do..who will be the first person to post about it?
:)

i know this will be kind of a morbid post 2 some of u, but i don't mean it 2 be..i just think about death a lot. because i find it really fascinating. i should be a scorpio :)

it's saturday so i can't watch all my talk shows. thank god. 'cause i'm getting too addicted to them! i might be reaching my saturation point now with those.

the only thing i can't understand tho, is how people could ever put Oprah into the other talk show categories. to me, oprah is in her own category. and i don't care how totally uncool it is to like her show, but i LOVE oprah. i love love love oprah soooooo much!
i think she is a shining beacon of light. everytime i watch her show i just feel so much better. i wish there was a cable tv channel that just played thing like oprah, bill moyers stuff and deepak chopra stuff. a kind of new agey feel good healthy living/thinking/feeling channel. i can't believe that one doesn't exist!
i wish i had the $$$ 2 start an online 24/7 tv channel like that. that had shows that talked u through meditation or positive affirmations etc.
maybe that is what i should do..is make a cd with me saying a ton of positive affirmations then broadcasting that 24/7 from anacam..so when people just need a little 5 minute "lighten your soul" break..they could tune into it.
ya..i think that's a really good idea. :)

i was thinking more about having my online radio talk show...which i think about almost constantly...when i realized it's maybe a good thing that i haven't done it yet..because if i took in calls just randomly, i'll bet a lot of them would be negative just because people are like that. at least the people that like 2 be heard "quickly" as in the ones who come into bbs or chat and not have 2 think before they speak...kind kind of do that hit and run mean thing.

those kind of people ( not all ) seem kind of addicted 2 controversy or confrontations or arguments. then they feel the most alive..because they are pushing and they can feel the pushing back at them...and it feels kind of more alive then...u can feel the tension..the energy...people reacting 2 u..and u can feel it almost like a stabililty...u can feel the wall your pressing up against.

i know that i can want that sometimes, embarrassing 2 say. but i feel a sort of emptiness if no one posts much in my bbs or isn't in my chat room. even though i get really irritated by "flame wars" in my bbs...i think i can kind of get addicted 2 that...because i can lose myself in a whole day of posting controversy..my energy flows out into words..and i can feel myself "working it out" and tempering myself in "the flame"...as i argue i become more solid yet more fluid both...becoming more sure of myself yet also becoming more "like a weed bending in the wind" as i let the arguments wash over me and i become more secure in myself that i don't need 2 explain anything 2 anyone ever.

sometimes i think i can lose myself in my little "anaverse" and think that's all there is. i can start folding in on myself and trick myself into thinking that the whole world must be just as involved in my little controversies as i am. tricking myself that i am flowering open when all i am doing is losing myself in a small aspect of my site. it's tricky. and i don't know if i'm explaining it right.
certainly...whatever it is we are all going through..it seems like that must be , in a way, a very big deal to others, too.

like i'm sure right now all of u are involved deeply in SOME issue of your life right now. something at work..something with one of your relationships...your pets..your relatives...a bbs u frequent...something inside u that u r working on.

i somehow think that u r all thinking "why does she look so bad today?" when i'm SURE u all have MUCH more important things 2 worry about that why i have dark circles under my eyes.

and it's just those few people who write 2 me..perhaps 3 or ten ...who write me and say "u look so awful today..are u ok?" and it's great that a few people re concerned...i am lucky that way. but still it works on me the opposite way where i become more insecure then. so i think if three people write 2 me about how i look, then EVERYONE must be thinking that. which is ludicrous and very self-involved of me.

but if i were not self involved, then i wouldn't have such a great cam site! :) hehe :)
i meam ,why on earth am i even typing this 2 u? why would u even be SLIGHTLY interested in this? i mean, all i'm doing is blabbering on. but i assume that somehow u think that this is interesting. why? i have no idea! i guess because i find it so all consuming i think maybe u would be interested to? i mean, HECK, u were the one who subscribed to this why? :)

do u find some of me in u? or am i so the opposite of u that u think that i'm a freak? or will u now unsubscribe from this because of this long rambling insecure tirade about zits?

i think that when a person receives SO much feedback about every little thing they do.like i do...one can get lost in the feedback and fold inward and thin that is all there is.

i stop DOING and BEING and i just REACT.
sometimes out of boredom i start surfing the net seeking out things 2 REACT TO. which is not the same as BEING. and that's when i get in trouble and get lost and lose my core.
i want 2 stop being that way...and just BE. so many people do that, i think...just look around for something 2 push up against and react TO so they feel alive and feel connected to "it"

it is an easy thing 2 kid yourself into thinking that you're really DOING something and BEING something when all you're really doing is just REACTING to things.

ok...if that were the only reason i sent this message off..then i think that is a good enough reason...'cause i think i needed 2 type that out until i got 2 that sentence. i was thinking that for a long time but hadn't typed it out yet.

i used 2 write in my journal every day from the age of 22. but now my journal is typing on the bbs and 2 the mailing list and in my anagrams in ana2.

i still plan on typing out all my journals and making them into a book. i need 2 kick myself in the ass about that.

i like that u are all out there as my impetus 2 write this out. perhaps no one much reads this mailing list and it is just for me 2 make me write and figure stuff out for myself.

i like when people write 2 me and tell me their thoughts and worries and fears and dreams and secrets.
i like the fact that i am in a way, like a catholic priest, that people tell their confessions to.
funny that we can be the most honest with strangers more than the people we are the most close 2 sometimes.
because with strangers there is nothing 2 lose.

still, there is so much about my life i cannot disclose due 2 that it would be invasive 2 others privacy. jason says that is why so many people get pissed off with woody allen ..because he puts so much of his life and his life with others straight into his movies.

i wonder of anyone realy famous will ever start a cam? like david bowie or madonna or woody allen. i wonder if they had a cam it would affect how we think of them?

i wish someone like david bowie had a cam. i think it'd be fantastic. he has a members only part of his site , too. he is like the only "rock star" i know who has a subscription part of his site. and i subscribed and 2 tell u the truth it was rather disappointing because nothing in there would work for me. then i know how much my site kicks ass :) hehe :)

i wonder how many other sites there are that have as much "interactivity" as mine...and if so..please tell me about them because i LOVE 2 discover new places and things!

i have also been thinking a lot lately about the "give and u shall receive" thing. because as i wrote in my last email, i really want 2 be able 2 afford 2 buy a house. i figure for the kind i really want..it's gonna be around 200,000 at least. but of course i'd be ridiculously happy if i could even afford a little 30,000 dollhouse! but i really want either a monolithic dome house...and i don't know all the states u can have that in ( zoning laws )or what...or else i want an entire floor of a warehouse building.
( check out www.monolithicdome.com if u don't know what i mean )
and with what i make now...and i have NO credit whatsoever...getting a house is still very far away.

but i know, i feel, that if i "follow my heart", that that will bring the most abundance, riches and fulfillment. so...my heart says.."put all the anagrams i've made for everyone 2 have and somehow..even though it seems illogical..that will bring u the most abundance and fulfillment."
then my mind says, "that's insane...that will put your bandwidth through through roof and then why would people subscribe? then i'll have bigger bills and no one will subscribe because they are getting it all for free "
( because i have over 100 anagrams now and in each one is about 10-20 pictures )

but my heart says" just take the risk..jump and the net will appear..etc"( the net…how fitting :) )
then my mind says" that is the stupidest business move u could ever do"

and another thing that makes me feel "closed" ..as in keeping all the anagrams in ana2..because the fact that it's the logical thing 2 do since i cannot afford 2 let that many graphics intensive things onto anacam without my bandwidth flying through the roof...is that i have discovered that many people are your friends and are "with u" as long as u are giving stuff away for free.
i know that sounds really harsh and i can't think of a nice way 2 put it without pissing some people off...call it "fair weather friends" ..but when everything is free then so many more people are your friends and thin u are so great and loving and generous and all that..but as soon as the free part is taken away..that, to me, is when i see who are my TRUE friends and supporters and who are just there 2 bask in the warm glow of all your light without giving anything back.

it's really hard 2 write about that without sounding like a complete bitch. but maybe that is the part of me that some people deam in a lot of women as "too nice". that desire to please. to not say no. to avoid conflict. to adapt. ( yes, i know it's a trait in men, too..it is just, on the whole, a stronger trait in women, from my experience )

anyway, so as i see the bitterness in some people that they are angry with me that they do not get it all for free...it makes me feel like closing myself off and taking everything away for free.

but i know these people are in the minority, i hope...they are just very vocal. i know that the majority of people who visit my site are silent and never say anything.

so...i am not saying i want 2 make the anagrams free for all because i am bowing down to the bitching..i am saying i would like 2 make them free DESPITE the bitching and moaning and despite the fear that it would be the stupidest business move ever.
despite the bitching and moaning because the bitchers and moaners are so vocal and my gut reaction 2 that is 2 recoil.

but my anagrams are the core of what i do..i am so proud of them...it is hard not to throw them out there into the openess and scream "LOOK WHAT I DID! ISN'T IT COOL???!!!" with extreme delight. do u know what i mean?

why is it that i feel that way? i just have this burning desire in me 2 do a giant "show and tell"..which is why i have my cam. i just keep coming across cool things and i just wanna say "wow! look!"
that is basically the essence of it, i think.

i think it's a good thing 'cause i'm not shoving it in anyones faces or anything. i mean, only the ones that want 2 look..look. it isn't some huge desire in me 2 be famous or something..or maybe it is..i mean, i always wanted 2 be famous..or maybe it's more like i always felt i would be, or was already. which is why i was always irritated by people who would say to me "remember us "little" people when u get famous" or "i hope u don't change when u become famous" or "wow, i'm surprised u are the same as before u were "a star" etc etc. because i felt i always WAS " a star" 2 begin with. so i didn't eve BECOME something different once the light "shone upon me". i know some of u are going 2 take that the wrong way and think that that sounds incredibly vain in a bad way. but i know it's not bad.

maybe a bunch of u people feel the same way about yourselves, so u know what i mean.
i have my inner light that shines ( yes, i know that sounds INCREDIBLY CORNY! )and it is very bright..it is the ...i cannot explain it now...i can only see it in my mind depicted as pictures..maybe best depicted in Alex Grey's paintings. we all have it..i'm saying i'm a better "shiner" than others....but people do react to it in the weirdest ways.
first of all, lots of people flock to the light, or the fear it and hate it and try 2 extinguish it, or they shine themselves and they urge me 2 shine brighter, or they bask in my glow and pretend that they are then shining too, or they get really jealous and say "who are YOU to shine so brightly?"
jealousy is the one thing that will guaruntee u not 2 get what u want 2 posess so badly. it will be the one thing that will repell u farthest from the thing u are jealous of/want.

man, this is starting 2 give me a stomache ache typing this out..so i might have 2 end this soon. and i'm so irritated because all these thoughts in here are ALL connected and i'm trying 2 tie them all together here..but it's taking me FOREVER!!!

i don't know if i'll be able 2 have the energy to tie it all together in this or not...

ok, I think what I'm trying 2 say is…I shine and a lot of my shiningness goes into my anagrams and I want 2 share those with as many people as possible, because for some reason…that is my nature….but my mind says do not share them because u can't afford to money-wise…and my heart says…share them anyway because it is your nature and 2 follow your nature is the path 2 the most fulfillment and abundance no matter how illogical it seems. no matter what any one else says…do not react, be. do not react , do. etc etc.
because I want a house more than anything.
so this is one of my inward struggles lately…that and the fact that my body is breaking out in zits and my stomache is puffed out. so there u go…just one person on the planet's little life struggles and wonderings. thanks 4 listening and I hope your day is going really well! lol :)

hmm, I have no idea how awkward this letter is…I think it's really awkward but I'm sending it off anyway.
anyway, I think my shining part is stuck in me today and I'm writing , in part, to try to get it unstuck…what I really need 2 go now is stretch and dance and jump up and down and get a glass of water.

oh, and here are some lemons I scanned:
../simp/Documents/scannedlemons.html