anagram 07.09.99

hi…here is a message I sent 2 the list yesterday. and now I'm gonna go watch the movie 12 monkeys with jason. bleached my eyebrows and it turned out looking like an oompah loopah , so I shaved them off again. augh. of well. I sort of got my period but just barely. wish I just get it…I hate this hovering on the edge feeling.

i have so much more 2 say but i'l say it in the next anagram. also i want 2 tell u that i'm going 2 try out doing one streaming vid. erotic one hour show per week for www.interotique.com

the show will be accessible for all ana2 members, as well ! :) so that will be an interesting new fun thing 2 explore for me...and i'll tell u more about it later. but right now all i know is that the first one will be this coming tuesday, at 8pm CST. i hope u will be around 2 watch it! i don't know yet if i'll be using emulive, realvid or webcam32 server push. if i use the webcam32...there will be pictures from it that i can can capture...but if it is the webcam32 it is also running off my computer..so limited # of people will be able 2 watch..so i don't know yet which avenue i'll take.

these pictures from yesterday are cool...but i think it's funny how i strike the same poses a lot. i want 2 break myself out of the pattern i seem 2 be forming with the same poses over and over again. and i have more 2 say on that subject but right now i just gotta get this anagram up so i can watch the movie!

ok, here 's the list message i just sent:

the exhibit that anacam is a part of at the museum of modern art, nyc..is open now. so if u go, please let me know what it was like!
it's an exhibit called "fame after photography"

i'm watching archives webcasts from when i visited hereandnow.net
u can go see/hear them at :
http://www.hereandnow.net/x_test.html

031299-031499

i wish i could fast forward through them! i wish i could figure out a way 2 save them.

the anacam 2 year anniversary is coming up on august 22nd! hard 2 believe! yet..i seems like wayyy longer than two years. it feels like i've been doing this all my life. the cam is so much a part of my life..it would feel unnatural to be without it now.
but i'm pretty adaptable...so i'm sure that if i was gone from it then i'd get used 2 that.

i'm listening 2 myself talk on the herandnow archive..and i'm like jennifer tilly on speed with a minesota accent !

i've heard that hereandnow is having financial difficulties and might disappear soon. that makes me so sad 'cause i really enjoy it :(
but it costs them about 1,000 a day 2 keep it running. i just don't get why they didn't charge for it so they could keep going. i wish i could afford 2 have that technology. i think about it a lot.
i think about how maybe i could have a fund drive to raise enough $ to have that technology for one month. then, when i reached that goal..i'd just do it for "free" for a month. it wouldn't really be for free, since lots of people would have pitched in $ for it. i try 2 think of a good and practical way to do it...with no legal hassle, etc and that it would be tax deductable for people 2 contribute 2 the fund.

i would have a page where people could be listed as being contributors if they wanted. and i'd make a graph showing how much money was coming in.

but then i think...30,000 a month...MAN..that is a LOT of $$$...what i'd REALLY like 2 do with 30,000 is put that towards a house! then i could paint the walls whatever colour i wanted..and it makes sense 2 put money towards a HOUSE for the cam...'cause i could save SO much more $ that way andexpand the cam hugely if i had a house.
but if i started a fund drive 2 get a house..then i'll bet not many people would contribute 2 that. isn't that weird?

i go over and over this whole "making money with the cam" thing constantly.
i'm so confused over people's reactions about me making money with my cam. i know this issue has been gone over and over and over 2 the point of ridiculousness but it still comes up all the time and makes me feel odd and bewildered.

------i keep losing the connection 2 hereandnow 2 watch the archives. oh well. so now i am listening 2 their live broadcast. i say listen 'cause no one is on the cam now. actually my fave part of their cam is the sound. i really want sound for my cam..sounds from my living room and my call in talk show and radio show 24/7. i still hafta figure out a way 2 be able 2 stream that to 1,000 listeners at a time.

and can people find out where u live by your phone #? like if i gave out my # for people 2 call in...could peopple figure out exactly where i lived?
isn't it the DUMBEST thing that this profession i'm in is actually potentially dangerous to my life???
but then, just being born a woman is dangerous...or even being born.

i mean, i've already been stalked 3 times..and this was before i was "anybody" and two of those people were previous boyfriends! so when people ask me "are u afraid you'll be stalked because of your cam" the answer is yes and no... because i've already been stalked and i pretty much live my life as if i'm being stalked because that's how i feel. so the cam has not changed the way i feel about my life in a safety sense...since i have never felt safe in over 15 years.

i can see i'm already going off on little tangents here...my stomache is so bloated out. i think i might be getting my period today. since i'm off the pill still, i don't know when i'm going 2 get it. i feel like there is a beach ball inside of me. and i feel like there is a 1/2 inch of water right under the surface of my entire skin.

i am aging and i can see my mother in me now. it's weird. i weighed myself this morning and i weighed 104..that is the most i've ever weighed. i know that sounds funny to a lot of u..but i'm used 2 weighing about 92. and so i know as much as i am pro-body...as in every body shape is cool...i cannot seem to apply this 2 myself. i can see voluptous women and think they are the sexiest...but when it comes down 2 me being that way...i cannot get comfortable with it.
and i feel stupid for not being comfortable. i point the cam at anything but my belly. i wonder how i will deal with aging when it really is beyond my control.
maybe it's because when i see myself looking like my mother...it symbolizes to me being unhappy and crabby because my mom has had so many health problems and trials and tribulations almost constantly...that it just exudes from her..this crabby bitter pent up scared person.
i sure hope my mom and i can become really great friends like we once were. since she bought her new house she seems to have mellowed just a tiny bit
and she even SWORE the other day, which was a good sign :)

i think she is a little bit coming 2 terms that i am going to be nude on my cam.....and that is just the way it is..and that i am a nudist in many ways and that does not equal sin and badness. but her husband still seems really sharp and distant from me since my cam. i don't know if he'll come around or not. he is a professor of theology and "prestigous" and all that. he is very orthodox in his beliefs. and this rubs off on my mom.
i don't believe that my mom is very orthodox at all. although she wishes she were.
inside her soul...i know she is a gypsy at heart....but she has stuffed that pretty much deep inside her because of fear of it.
she has great "telepathic" powers and all that. and she knows it. but because of her fear of her power..he "god" within herself..she pushes it down and thinks it's bad. then she looks for the stability of orthodox beliefs to keep it sealed.
but this is just my view. i could be WAY off. if u talked 2 my mom, she would tell u that i'm totally way off on that.
just as she is totally way off on my beliefs...i'm sure i could be way off on hers too.

the wind is making my windows whistle and howl. but it's sunny out. maybe i'll go for a walk after i write this.

i could go on and on about my mom, but i probably shouldn't say too much out of fear for her safety too. weird world.

so back 2 the money issue. i have been thinking about perhaps making my entire financial situation public. but for some ODD reason, this seems to be an even more radical and scary thing 2 do than talk about sex or fear or politics or even have sex on cam.
which is maybe why i should make it all public.
there is so much fear and anger revolving around me making $ from my cam. is it because it is on the net? or is it because it is some form of "prositution" because i am naked sometimes?
or is it because "art" should be free? or is it because so many people are miserable in their jobs they can't bear 2 see any one else make $ from doing something they love?

like...if i DID become rich from anacam..and i ended up buying a house with the money..or god forbid...something luxurious..like a yacht...would i be crucified?
if i am finally allowed in the minds of many 2 finally eat and pay my bills from doing this...am i only allowed 2 make just enough 2 survive?or am i allowed 2 save money too? or go on vacation? or decide 2 finally go 2 college?

why do so many people hate bill gates? is it because he is rich? or was he an asshole 2 a bunch of people? i do not even know the guy..nor ave i heard of anything about his personality. yet everyone seems to hate him. why?

so if i made every single financial transaction i did public....how much bickering and fighting would there be because of how i chose 2 spend my money that month?

is it only ok for us to give money 2 "people" as long as we cannot see what REALLY goes on with that $?
like i tink i'm pretty sure that a lot of people help support anacam because i am "poor"...comparably. like i still don't have health insurance and my income all my life has been below poverty level ( about $500 a month ) and now i make about $800-$1,500 a month.
but what if i became "rich"? would people still support anacam?
are the people who own rolling stone magazine evil people because they take $3.00 from a lot of very poor people?
or are the poor people very evil because they "shouldn't" be spending $ on rolling stone magazine?

like i remember when i was on food stamps. and one month i decided i was sick of eating ramen and rice and peanut butter sandwhiches. and so i went and bought one steak with the food stamps at an "upper class" grocery store.
MAN...did the people in that check out line GLARE at me like i was evil !

i have found from my experience, that it is the people who are the most "poor" who are the most generous with their money ( not true in all cases...just MOSTLY ..percentage wise..from my experience only )
like when i was a stripper...it was the "business guys" who were the most stingy about giving me a buck or not. many would just glare at me, judging me to see if i was worth a buck or not. yet, most "working class" guys would most always "shell out" a buck. even if they weren't even up at the dance stage..they would just go put a buck up there..not even wanting a "dance" for it.
they'd just give me a buck out of respect that i was working and they were in the same room as me...even if they weren't watching..they'd give me a buck.

anyway...
money seems to be a very big issue for most people...money and sex. why is that?

so maybe i will stick out my money thang too..and become "vulnerable" in that way too.
because it's kind of like when everything is out there in the open..u can't be hurt 'cause no one can use your "secrets" against u.
maybe it's true that it's easiest to "hide out in the open"
but i don't think that is why i "do it"

i think why this is an issue for me right now is because i REALLY want a house..more than anything in the whole world. and because so much of me is "public"
i don't want people supporting anacam because they feel sorry for me because i'm "poor" and then one year i buy a house and then they feel like i was lying 2 them. does that make sense?
and it's not even like this would be an issue for anyone else, it seems. i mean, it doesn't appear that people go try 2 "pry" into the financial situation of the people who own rolling stone magazine and then "flame" the hell out of them over if they bought a house or not or whether or not they ate a steak that day or ate ramen.

i am just thinking that it might be easier 2 just let my financial status be "public" so there isn't any more wondering or speculation. if i'm going 2 be flamed about how i choose 2 spend my money or make money..then i'd rather that the fighting be based in fact. but then i think...it's REALLY none of their damn business.
and it's not. i do not "owe" it 2 anyone 2 make anything about my life public except for what i choose 2 show or not.

i never promised nor do i owe it 2 anyone 2 show "everything" when i started my cam...it was uncensored" in that i'd try 2 show u everything i COULD within the grasp of a snapshot every 2 minutes. and that leaves A LOT of stuff out.
so many people think i have no privacy...but it is so easy 2 leave SO much out. i still picture every few minutes withiut sound really leaves A LOT 2 the imagination.
and i didn't WANT it 2 be that way in the beginning. i started this project as a way, in part, to put an end to the stereotyping of ME, of stereotyping what a "cute little fake titted peroxide punk grrl" was. or a "crazy red head" or a "a black haired skinny goth girl" or whatever i happened 2 look the most like at the time. the msic industry always tried 2 shove me into a stereotype. and not only them..but almost everyone i met wanted me 2 stay within my "stereotypical peremiters" that they ha defined me in their minds.
people still get confused when i step out of the boundries they have made in their mind that they think i am and how i should behave and how i should act/feel/be /talk like/create like.
so i started this as a way to show a "huger" view of the mutifacted paradox thing that i am/we are.

i did not expect to get into a huge financial controversy. i wasn't prepared for that. i take this one step a day. i'm making this up as i go along. no one has ever done this before...i didn't know what would happen. which i one of the reasons i love doing this so much . every day is full of many unpredictable amusing beautiful wonderful frustrating horrid things in regards to this "cam thing"

i was not prepared to let every one into "everything"all at once. i didn't know what that even meant.
when i started out this cam....my friend zachary vex financed this for me( www.zvex.com)
we didn't let anyone know that...because in this society...if i man finances anything even remotely looking like "porn" or even..anything "behind" a woman...then he is branded into the "pimp" roll or the "mastermind behind it all"
even in music...because my manager is Bobby Z ( the drummer from prince and the revolution)...people assumed that because i decided to make a more "dance oriented" record...it must be because HE was influencing me and controllling me somehow. even when i got my breast implants..many people people assumed ( even some of my FRIENDS! )that the record label "made me" get them! like i have no mind of my own!
it is a very frusatrating thing to have so much of my life attributed to some master mind brain washing pimp guy behind it all.
so when my friend zachary decided 2 help me out financially with my cam idea..we kept it secret for fear that people would not give me "credit"

and it's funny 'cause i DID have a boyfriend who pretty much "brainwashed " me once. my first boyfriend, ed.
that's a whole nother story.
so maybe this whole "experience" of mine is nothing more than my own experience with that being projected back at me ..as i still try 2 work out what in the hell that was about.

anyway...this whole thing is such a huge issue with me, as u can tell...and it also APPEARS that this whole "thing" is also a huge issue with MOST of the world...and that is why it "happened" 2 me.

all i want is 2 be able 2 make monery and spend money in the way that i find the most joyful and also 2 have sex/lmake love in the way i also find most joyful 2 me.

i just want 2 be able 2 buy a house and no b crucified 4 it.

oops, i fell aleep on the couch...the wind is flying by so i will send this email instead of finishing it....