anagram 07.05.99

here's something I wrote on the bbs yesterday:

it's definitely not a persona. i do not change into another person when i am more dressed up. i do have many facets of my personality, though..
and when i was younger it confused me and i kept wondering which one of those facets was the "real" me. but as i kept pondering that for years and years i finally came 2 the conclusion that they were all me :P
and i just kind of integrated them into an "ana soup" :)
but nothing i ever do is staged or is a persona or is a character of any sort or an exaggeration or a distortion of any sort. journalists love 2 say that when i became "ana voog" that that was a persona. like "she got a boob job, dyed her hair blonde and changed her name 2 ana voog" and none of those things happened all at one time. it wasn't a conscious decision to create any character. i've had blonde hair on and off all my life. and u can read in "ana musiq" how i became ana voog. and the boobs...well...just wanted 2 try on some big ones for awhile and see how it felt :)
i think i probably feel the most "me" when i'm really dressed up...but because i'm such a lazy slob...that ain't gonna happen much :) so long live the Stripey Pants :)
plus, being in that much make-up all the time makes your face break out and u can't move or eat or touch anything.. so it's very not practical :)
i don't know how 2 explain how i integrated all my facets. i used 2 see them so clearly different from each other...but now they all sort of blend into each other and i can pretty much "feel" them all. .all at once. .and that's what makes up me :)
like i have the side of me that is like a dark goth, that can blend into a dark faerie goth, which can blend into a dark faerie goth that dresses like a little girl, that can blend into a little girl who loves to play with marbles, that blends into a little girl who is really an android, or a little girl who is really a serial killer, or a little girl who is very sexual that blends into a very sensual faerie that blends into a bondage faerie.
or i have the go-go girl part that loves 2 be swanky that blends into the la femme nikita sniper, that blends into ...
or i have the hippy part of me that blends into the old woman georgia o-keefe woman who lives in the desert and has a cyber arm and makes crop circles in her lawn...which blends into the punk new wave cyber punk ghost who haunts the internet
then i have just the slobby girl in stripey pants self...that is the self that doesn't give a shit the very most because it's pretty hard to be a slob in public ..so that's the one that has been "evolving" the most lately :) because i have a great fear of looking gross to myself...so i'm teaching myself to just let it go and be a slob and where the same damn pair of stripey pants day in and day out :)
then there is just the me from when i was very young and would stare at ants making their hills and i'd make mud balls and go searching for dinosaur bones in the yard. and try 2 mend the broken butterflies and climb trees
and those are the ones that come to my mind first and foremost because those are the parts of looked at most closely and are also very extreme
i am, and everyone is, a lot more subtle than that. and i'm sure there is much more 2 explore within me as i evolve. like lately, i have been finding joy in dressing more conservatively sometimes.. just because i have never done that..and it feels kinda cool to dress "normal" and then be able to go into a store and they don't watch u like you're gonna shoplift!
i wrestle with saying goodbye more 2 the little girl that dresses up in cute little cut off vintage dresses...because i'm 33 and feel i want to be more sophisticated.
but then perhaps that is just how i view age..and i will integrate the little girl part into the aging part in a graceful way. because i think u can really "get away with" wearing anything at any age if u feel comfortable in it :)
so perhaps i will wear pony tails at age 80.. :) ya i'm pretty sure i will :)
i'll be kinda like ( i am kinda like ) maude from the movie harold and maude :) but then i'm an awful lot like harold, too :)
i LOVE that movie!
betsey johnson won an award at the mtv fashion awards and she wore a gigantic pink tutu and did back flips all the way up to the podium! i LOVE her! :)
when i was about 25 i lived with these two incredible people.. jim antle and lorna doone who showed me that u can be anything u want 2 be when you're "older". it wasn't until i lived with them that i didn't ever have 2 give up "dressing up" or playing with glitter or living in a "kooky" house when i got older. :)
i will always play and be playful and "dress up" or "dress down" depending on my mood. but then even down further.. i feel the ME me...the me that is so me it cannot be expressed. .that is probably my soul...the par that goes on into all the different lives i've been and still is ME :)
i think the purest me is made up of 2 elements:
love/light and curiousity :)
i think that is how the entire universe began...it just said to itself? "who am i?"
and from that "moment" became everything it could ever think of...which is all of us and all we see and don't see right now all the time here and now.
the universe being nothing at "first" becomes aware of itself and says "who am i?" so it tries on every hat and scenario it/us can conjure up. .and at the "end" of it all feels that all of that is me/you/us and yet there is a "silent" inner core that just "is" that is nothing and everything both at the same time. .the energy and light perhaps...it/we feels maybe exhausted in a good way perhaps and just goes 2 sleep again into the nothingness again knowing it is everything and just is "one" there. then it starts all over again when we/it "wake up" again and say "who am i"?
so all we are ever doing is remembering and forgetting. or remembering to forget or forgetting to remember! or remembering that u remembered! or remembering that u forgot...
so for a long time...i would feel very bummed because i thought...well, if we are all one and everything ( and i mean EVERYTHING ) has already been done before.. what is the point?
this is where the most curious and "miraculous" part comes into play...
that the universe is ever changing. .even though it;s doing everything that could ever be done..i t still does it a different way every "time"
so...i cannot explain that at all. i don't know how i came 2 maybe know any of this ..if any of it is even true. but this is what i have felt from my experience :)
so if all time is now and all space is here...
then all my "past and future" selves are happening right now..it could be that i "feel" all my layers of my "selves" and that is where i get some of my "personality traits". i think that what i do during this lifetime effects all my other lives and vice versa, too.
so if i heal something in this lifetime. .it might also heal something similiar that is happening right now 2 another part of me in another "dimension" etc
i don't know if u are following this or not. .but i can't explain it much more than that.
so that is how i think that even though i am everything al at once...any decision i make every second then alters my "path" somewhat ..so its never the same twice. .or i should say it's never the same once? heck! i dunno! :)
so...i know u can go "back in time" and heal your past, since all time is now. u can also go "into the future" and sand "light" there...or any thing u want :)and then when u get "there" you'll have it! ( that is if u can remember "where" u put it )
up until very recently i was planning on going 2 a hypnotist 2 try 2 see if i could go "back" and remember the things i've forgotten. .like like playing the piano. .or other languages, or geometry ..because i thought.. what is the point of having 2 learn them again if i already know them??
but then it dawned on me...that i have chosen to forget those things so that i could see them from a "new" perspective. if i went back and remembered how 2 play piano ..i would most likely go right back to whatever "style" i had created "then".
but then i think. .heck ..it'd be fun 2 do anyway 'cause i'd like 2 see if it could even be done ..plus it would be interesting to see how i viewed piano" then" as opposed to "now"
in the "end" all life is, imo ..is play
so play, dress up, become what u want, if that gets boring go do something else.
this is one of the most new agey things to say, but , for me, it has been so beneficial...to ask yourself each "moment" :
"what would be the most joyful thing for me to do right now"
not what SHOUD i do.. but what would i LIKE to do ..if money was not a factor. .if no one around u was a factor ..just purely.. what would u LIKE to do.. what would be most joyful?
maybe the answer would be as simple as "i want to go back to sleep" :)
i really truly feel that if we chose 2 live our lives doing what naturally makes us feel the most joy. .then THAT is what our "path" is and that path is the one that will ultimately bring u the most "riches" and most fulfillment.
no matter how illogical or impractical it seems, i really believe that that is the most joyful path 2 take and it will lead to the most abundance and fulfillment.
so i ask myself that every time i feel discontent ( which is a lot! i choose to keep myself "in check" a lot! ). when i feel that discontentment coming on...i say what would be most joyful?
then i TRY ( he he ) to rid myself of the fear that that is illogical and not "productive" and just trust in my instinct. :)
so far so good :)
so.. anyway.. that was big reply. i say ..go on and get your "personalities" a bunch of outfits and go play 2 your heart's content. :)
because that's what it's all about, imo :)