anagram 070200

5:27a funny things people put into a search engine and found anacam : "how do i know im a virgin", "www.do what you want", "girls who want to chat on cam for free",

6:17a i've been up all night again working on new designed menus for anacam and ana2. i'm starting 2 get the hang of tables finally. wow, they sure are useful! AND can be pretty! i need to redesign so many of my really clunky looking pages...like the links page and stuff. and jason gave me the code to put in so i don't have to have any morre links underlines ( u can see this only in IE not netscape) and that is much cleaner. i am also going for much smaller fonts and less bold ones. i wanna get cleaner and classier looking pages. now if i could just get the hang of frames :)

6:40p i have shut down the 250K stream, and we are now working on getting the 100K and 56K streams up instead ( until july 6th when i can have all 3 streams ). that way more people can watch and it won't buffer so much. so stay tuned :)

11:45p well, the 56K stream and the 100K stream are up :) but the 250K one will be off until july 6th. go here to see it:
www.anacam.com/stream

11:53a wow, two nice things happened today. 1st and best of all : someone (from quebec maybe since that was from where it was sent? ) got me an invitation to see the premiere of cirque du soleil when it comes here! i am flabberghasted! god, i LOVE that show! hwen ever i watch in on TV it always brings tears to my eyes! my favourite is the contortionists. wow, i am i ever lucky and i hope i can find out who is responsible for getting me a ticket! ( and jason gets to go to 'cause i have two tickets! ) i have to get my extensions in by then so i look really cool that day :)

the 2nd thing is that a website called cityspree.com wants 2 licence 2 use my song " hollywood" for an 60 second animation commercial they will have on their site. there is nothing i can see on their site tho. it's just a place to put your name and email. then u submit it and they say they will tell u when they open u in your area.

i was awakened ealier than i was used 2 'cause jason is cleaning his room today, and that's where we sleep. and the computer that the streaming cid was on had crashed during the night...but it's back up now.
www.anacam.com/stream

2:56p i have spent the last several hours updating all the links everywhere on anacam and ana2 and making a few things look better, changing fonts , colours, etc. it's gonna take me forever 2 actually ever get every page as visually pleasing as i wish it 2 be. i'm glad u are all enjoying the streamcam :) the music is jason's and it's 200 cds set to play in random order. so i don't ever know what u are listening 2 when u ask, sorry. someday i'll try 2 type out all the cds that are in there :)
jason has gorgeous taste in musiq ( except that he likes kiss and really bad hair metal bands from the 80's. ack, but i will forgive him :)
now he will probably make some witty retort in here to that :) hehe :)
{{{jason}}}

4:04p bobby z, my manager, played the northrup with prince the other night, with dr. fink ( who also played on my last cd anavoog.com ) and mark brown. and i MISSED it. can u believe?? i didn't even know prince was going 2 play the northrup. i am the last 2 knwo about anything that goes on around here since i don't read the papers or watch the news or talk 2 anyone. oh sadness. but bobby said he couldn't even get his MOTHER into the show, it was so sold out. so i don't feel SO bad :/
nah, i feel bad. i wish i could've been there. damn. i love bobby z so much, and to see him on stage playing drums again with those faces he makes woulda been priceless :) bobby told me it was quite the flashback and a total rush and the audience went crazy :)
bobby told me he has been playing drums more lately because his son, adam ( who is a real cutie!), is getting to be a very good guitar player :) man, kids grow up so fast. not so long ago he was smaller than i was, looking up with his cute little boy doe eyes. now he is all huge and cool and stuff. hehe :)
i'm having fun with my streamcam , pointing at deiter..especially with the overdramatic music going along with him sleeping and once in awhule his leg jerking :)

oh, and on july 19th, jennifer ringley ( jennicam.org) is gonna interview me on a radio programme called rex's rants. www.rexsrants.com i tried 2 go 2 that webpage but it wouldn't open for me. i am so excited :) i'm sure it will be hard for us to only talk for one hour!

and in 1 1/2 hours i'm going out 2 eat with jason and his family because it's his parent's anniversary

and there has been no hot water here for over 2 days and that has really sucked. so i'm going to have to take a cold water washcloth kind of bath. yuck.

here is an article about that prince show: http://www.pioneerplanet.com/columnists/docs/WALSH/docs/prince.htm

4:54p funny things people put into a search engine and found anacam: "heart all i want to do is make love to you", "links that you want now.co m"

i guess i will go washcloth myself off with cold water :/
i can't even wash my hair. ick. i leave in 40 minutes. i hope the hot water is on when i get home, but if it is, i'll bet we'll run out soon since everyone in this partment building is gonna take a shower and do their dishes and their laundry the second we have hot water. *sigh*

but i'll bet dinner will be yummy, and i haven'tr eaten anything all day so i'm all ready for it!

i'd try to get the streamcam into the bathroom with me right now, but jason is cleaning his room so the hallway is extra clogged with stuff, so i can't really navigate well down there, and the microphone stand this cam is attached to is HEAVY, which is good, it's stops iut from getting tipped over..and that's VERY good since that cam costs around 2 grand!

3:39a i have been working all night again, making pages look better and more consistent. i still have a way to go, but i'm making progress. i think the new menu page for anacam is pretty swanky :) many new pages are redesigned. i hope this will be more pleasing to your eye, and therefore easier 2 navigate. that is my hope. i better get 2 bed now :)

3:27p i am worried about stacy ( livejournal username: stacy). augh. everyone on ana2 is freaking. just trying 2 stay sane. watched the movie "trekkies". it was very good and made me smile duiring this weird day. i don't know what 2 do with muself today. i just hope i hear something good back about stacy. her cam is at www.atomcam.com

3:47p stacy is ok! she is in the hospital and she is ok. i posted in "under the bed' about it., *whew*

2:15p pianos, options, and other assorted life confusions
hello. i do not know how 2 begin this. so much of us are in pain, and for some this is a moment of clarity and joy. this is obviously a time of beginnings and endings, transition, birth, death, redefining, letting go, sifting though our backpacks that we take on our individual journeys...and discerning what 2 leave behind on the road 2 make our backpacks lighter...or perhaps taking on some new thing...maybe as big as a piano..because u need 2 get that piano from point a 2 point b, for whatever reasons u may have. maybe because it makes u feel real, keeps u connected, it is something 2 focus on, a meditation, or maybe it is your way 2 gain attention. carrying that piano for all 2 see. some do it in private, for whatever reason. maybe 2 keep it sacred, for whatever reasons they may have. maybe somebody told u 2 hide the piano. maybe some of u are hiding with this piano on the side of the road..hoping that no one will see the pain u are in as u cannot lift it another foot, but u are too afraid or proud 2 ask for help. maybe u are on the side of the road hitchhiking with the piano...but no car comes along big enough 2 carry u and it. u don't know what 2 do.
do u leave the piano behind? just sitting on the road like that exposed 2 the elements? u carried it for long. it deserves 2 at least be left at a rest stop. it's precious. it deserves a proper burial. but u can't go on with it....
one thing i have learned, so far, in this life, is that there is no PERFECT time 2 begin something or end something. it sounds so trite, but it's true...all we have is NOW. this IS the sacred time this is the sacred place. this is the perfect time this is the sacred time...2 decide 2 pick up the pinao and strap it 2 yourself and start your journey or leave that piano behind. maybe u are trying 2 bring that piano 2 someone who needs it desparately or maybe they don't even know they need it or want it, u are just going 2 surprise them with it. maybe once u give it 2 them they will hate it, or be indifferent (even worse). maybe they will love it and be so consumed by it they will forget about u. maybe they will make such beautiful music with it, it will have been well worth the trouble 2 drag that piano from point a to point b for them. maybe the music will overpower u and u will seem 2 disappear. maybe u will get jealous of the piano and want 2 take it back or smash it. or maybe their all consuming joy will inspire u 2 do "your thing" in your way.
some of u have invented marvelous ways 2 lug your piano around...trucks , wagons, teleportation, shrinking it and putting it in a small place inside of u that will expand again to normal size when u decide 2 let it out. some of u have put the piano inside of u and have forgotten it was there...and u just feel off kilter because of it, but don't know why. some of u didn't know how 2 shrink it, so u ingested it whole, and now it's stuck.
some of u dissected the piano and ate some pieces, and gave some pieces away to complete strangers because it felt it was the right thing 2 do. now u need 2 order the parts that are missing that u gave away, but since it's a one of a kind piano , no one has parts for it. u are going 2 have 2 make them yourself...or make do with a piano missing some parts.
some of u may want 2 dissect the piano to see what it is...so u can get a better idea of why u are carrying this piano...maybe 2 justify it. maybe just out of curiousity.
some of u have dissected it and put it back together to make an entirely new "thing" when u realized that you'd never get it back together the way it "was".
sometimes it takes awhile 2 adjust 2 the new thing u made. u don't know if u can carry it now. u don't know what u made, maybe. u don't know if u want 2 take that on. is it "you"?
how do u assimilate it? and what makes u, perhaps, even more nervous is how will the people around u be affected by it? will they honour your decision 2 "change the rules"? perhaps they were rooting for u while u trekked that piano on your back. u were a source of inspiration for them. they lived through u. they imagined that u were carrying that piano for them. or they thought is was a good cause. perhaps they were also all carrying pianos and u were "in it together" with them.
now that you've transformed your piano into something different...u are not "with them" anymore. they feel betrayed. let down.
or perhaps they will feel inspired to transform their piano into something like u made, 2 understand u better, and be with u. some will be inspired to transform their piano into something that only they understand...and u will see this and beam joy at them and u will inspire each other on parallel paths. there are perhaps a whole group of people now that u didn't know of before, who have all dissected their pianos and made them into other things...maybe they have coiled the strings on the piano into their hair like a wild medusa. some have eaten all the black keys because of some irrational fear...this caused them great pain inside as the keys hit upon their insides trying 2 find a way out again. for some their desire 2 keep the black keys inside them has resulted in death or insanity...or maybe an anger turned outwards on everyone.
this anger might be too confusing and too much 2 bear especially if that piano had been given to them by someone they love, or trusted...and this person who gave them this piano had carried this piano 2 them as a present..and it took them their whole life..so to be polite, u had 2 take the piano from them..and now what do u do with it?
some of u don't even know what a piano is. some are going to think there is only one way to play it. some have so many pianos they have no room anymore for another one. if u show up at their door with another piano...they might scream at u, or withdraw, or politely let u in and try 2 squeeze in another piano at the expense of their wellbeing.
some people are piano-free because they've never even seen a piano. some are piano free because they never figured out how 2 carry one effectively. maybe they are too weak, or see themselves as too weak for a myriad of reasons. some are just too lazy. for some, they are just not "piano people". some would rather carry a flute, or panther, or some scotch tape...'cause u never know when that'll come in handy...a trait they picked up from their family, or friends, or perhaps just a keen insight after a long night of dissecting pianos.
some thrive on carrying pianos, there doesn't need to be a goal, it just makes them feel they are "doing something" , or perhaps they are carrying it because they need 2 be in the piano carrying crowd 2 hang out with. maybe they carry pianos to make their muscles stronger, or 2 show off, or to punish themselves for a myriad of reasons. some do this in private because they are embarrassed or scared what others may think. maybe all the flute people think your're nuts. so u hide the piano. but u can't stop thinking about it so u are never really "here".
some carry a piano 'cause it's the only thing they've ever known. they come from a long lineage of piano carriers.
some carry too many pianos in public as a way to get sympathy...or as tactic so that u cannot bring any other subjects around them because they are so obviously in pain with carrying too many pianos...their piano may just be a distraction from the real intruments underneath.
some build fortresses with their pianos.
some people who have eaten all the black keys in a fit of anger or paranoia (and sometimes even the white...or both...) learn to transform their bodies and minds and spirits later on when they realize they can never separate their "past deeds" or their "past pain". u can hide the scars with plastic surgery, u can deny they are even there by becoming very busy ( maybe by carrying pianos or even other people's pianos) but the links are always there. the threads are intrinsically entwined forever at that moment that "it happened" or u decided to do "that" or "that happened to u", or u thought "that" or took that action (or inaction)...and just as it is "permanent" , the miracle of "the universe" is that u can transform that moment into something else...maybe in how u decide 2 react 2 it, or think about it...u transform yourself around the moment and miraculously....either your surroundings changed to reflect back your current "state"....or shifted into some other parallel "reality" that u made with your own imagination/will/desire/INTENT...and u are now living in it.
the "older reality" that u "left behind" is still there tho, intact. it is it's own creation now. it will take it's own path now...but u will still be connected 2 it , even by a thin thread, because u are it's mother, and that cannot be changed (or can it?).
going back...a person could start to "play with/work with" their pain they had when they swallowed all the keys 2 their piano (or other's pianos)...they could play with the keys inside of them instead of against and come out the other end as a hybrid human/piano...and u have invented a way to to play those keys inside of u and this soothes u, or soothes others, or irritates others, or starts a whole new movement of people who have eaten their pianos in a fit of exasperation or whatever it may be...to now know they can make music within themselves in a new way. transforming "it". alchemy.
some may be afraid of the music they make once they figure out 2 do it. so they will only "sing" in private....that is a whole nother page 2 get into which i cannot type now 'cause i'm running out of typing steam :)
some people picked up a piano, found they could not carry it to the destination they desired...nor could they even make it to a rest stop. so they planted themselves down right where they were/are and decided 2 learn 2 play the damn thing. so they are just out there in "the middle of nowhere" , happily or unhappily playing their piano. and new rest stops are born from them. maybe even a small community, maybe even a city!
ok, i think i've exhausted this analogy/metaphor for now. i had NO idea i was going 2 type that out!!! :)

ok....
another thing i wanted 2 say is....i do feel a sense of guilt that when this thing happened to stacy...i was by far more motivated 2 help than i was with with eucci (where did that name come from, eucci/ i always wanted 2 ask that...and i have also loved your last two monikors, delve and comfort), or zuul.

it is not fair or equal , and i want so much the "here" for ALL of the dustbunnies equally in times of crisis. but 2 do that would tear me apart. i can only carry so many pianos, etc.
so, as hard as this is 2 say, and as hurt as some may be 2 read this, i do choose my 'battles' . i go where i feel i COULD actually do some sort of good. i pick the situations most familiar 2 me..because those are the ones i can give the best support 2 , since i know of it myself.

i care about each and every one of u as much as i am able, i want u 2 know that. even if i am not 'there' for u, i hope i can at least offer my support by being on cam, so i'm always 'there' in your times of confusion and loneliness. kind of like how i find comfort in turning on star trek and hearing the familiar sounds of the ship and the familiar voices saying 'engage'...even if i've seen that episode a million times...it's that comfort of familiarity and stability...a thread 2 hold on to. something that is always "there' for me, even if just an ambience in the background of my livingroom.

woa...hours have passed as i have pondered this...i went on a huge long idealistic romantic rant/ramble 2 jason about privacy and energy and chi and exploding things from the inside and drawing things 2 u and not living in fear and being a pioneer in pushing the limits of what is safe and safe as a woman and i was saying how much i want the sound on all the time and cams everywhere and not hiding ....

hours pass again...
i will type more later

6:11p starnge things people put in a search engine and found anacam: "www.cbs health watch .com","whenever i'm away from you", "whenever you come around","what is nigger rock?"

very strange.

i changed what cam is on anacam...the picture is taken from the streamcam, which i seem to be on more than any of the other cams..so that's why i switched it. problem is...now i cannot switch over to any of my other cams when i feel like it without going and changing the html to do that. so now all the other 8 cams, including the mobile cam are on ana2 only. but i changed the refresh rate on anacam from every 5 minutes to 1 minute. :)

i am just working on ana2 today. i have to go search through thousands of pix now for the next anagram. i went to a party last night and smoked a cigar, so now my throat kinda hurts. i never smoked a cigar before. it was yummy. it was cuban.

10:27p i hear fireworks. jason went out tonight with his friend sarah to "a taste of minnesota" lots of hotdogs and mini donuts and ELO and modern english are paying. very weird. i opted 2 stay home. i am super tired from yesterdays galavanting. i'm making a new anagram..then it shut down and i lost most of it nad have 2 start over now :/