anagram 06.28.99

too much 2 say. floating feeling. taking each day as it comes. took a walk yesterday and sat down in my favourite place. I was listening 2 kate bush on my walkman and the clouds were the big fluffy kind. then all of a sudden there was a scary guy talking to me and I jumped. he asked if I had a light. I said no I don't smoke. I don't know why on earth people bug a person who clearly wants to be alone, with sunglasses on and a walkman on. then he sat down about 7 feet away from me. really pissed me off. but goddammit if I was going 2 move from my spot. I have 2 deal with this almost every time I leave the house. so I put my walkman back on and tried 2 act/be as strong as I could.. looking relaxed and listening 2 kate bush. I watched him sometimes out of the corner of my eye. I saw him twiddling with his unlit cigarette and the tobacco spilling out onto the ground. I flipped through my mind all the different courses of actions I could take. I could just leave..i could move to another spot. I could tell him to move over. I could do nothing. what would I do if he grabbed me? was I foolish 2 stay? was I cowardly 2 go? goddmamit it was a nice day and this was the spot where I wanted to sit and the clouds were perfect and I was having fun there and I neded to be alone, fucking asshole. I looked up at the clouds and tried to not focus on the negative but focus on the positive. I imagined a beam of light like a pole from the top of me head through me like a spine shooting up into infinite space and shooting down into the ground for balance and grounding. I imagined my body shooting out beams of light from all angles from the center of my body to ward off "evil" and shine with strength. I saw him start 2 breathe funny …like exhaling in short bursts from his mouth like someone trying to work something through. I thought maybe that I shouldn't emanate light because that would attrect him more. so I sucked it back in and tried to imagine myself shielded by a bubble. I didn't know what shape 2 create 2 best protect myself. I tried 2 feel the power of the earth and sky in me as I said 2 myself I deserve 2 be here and I don't have 2 move from my place. godammit if some psycho is going 2 ruin my peace every single time. I looked across the way at the buildings in front of me that looked like temples. I grounded I grounded. I watched him cross himself. I thought I better go. but fuck no..i was gonna fight this out this time. maybe it was foolish. I imagined angels all around me protecting me. I imagined that I wad an angel with wings sprouting from my back in beams of light. I prayed to the angels to please protect me. I prayed to god to please make him go. finally he got up and he waved at me goodbye. I thanked god for the help and I was glad I won this time.
life has been difficult lately. but I will make it through.

if u would like 2 add your picture 2 a page that azman made so we can all see what we all look like, go here: http://www.freespeech.org/azman/muthership/
thank u az!

here are some posts I made in the bbs which are kind of along the theme of my space being invaded.:

oh sure...let's let the mentally ill person get away with murder. she didn't mean to kill anyone..she was ill.
treating her like a cute little impy wimpy isn't going 2 help her either, and egging her on by being super entertained by her isn't going 2 stop her. it gives her the fuel to think she's OK.
if her name was "bob" u wouldn't give her the time of day. she plays the "cute" card to the hilt and it's gross.
when i railed on oopsguy...everyone agreed with me and came 2 my defense.
but now if it's but little impy wimpy, let's just give her a sandbox and let her play in the corner while once in awhile throwing one of her toys at my head. but because she's a cute little imp, awwwww...then that's ok.
that's the kind of stuff that makes kids ACT OUT even more because they love the attetion.
she doesn't even think she's sick! she thinks it's an ATTRIBUTE!
probably because guys ( yes, guys...and only guys)
think it's cute.
i didn't say ANYTHING back 2 her that she didn't say EXACTLY to me.
and u haven't seen the whole picture.
she goes over 2 the imusic spread bbs and posts about me and fetik3! it's embarrassing and nonsensical! EVERYONE over there hates her.
she takes OVER the bbs and pushes everyone els'e posts off. she posts about stuff that has NO VALUE except to HER, most of the time.
she deliberately pokes at me and other people and thinks it's entertaining! fuck her!
she TOOK OVER the bbs i had at dankitti's , posting zillions of posts all night long pushing off everyone else's conversations..so much so that dankitti had to ban her.
and if u don't share her "ESP" then she stalk u and threatens to "burn you with matches"
it's so totally fuct.
therefore, i am banning her from this bbs. because this bbs , imo, is only hindering her from getting help, not helping her in any way.

Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 13:45:11:
In Reply to: please hear me out ANA posted by Edward on June 28, 1999 at 13:30:37:
look, i am not her psychiatrist, so i don't need 2 listen 2 her.
i don't care if she is a good writer, that doesn't mean u have the license 2 be an asshole.
imp has more "worth" than oopsguy just because she's creative? isn't that rather fascist?
sorry 2 be so harsh with u edward, 'cause i really like u a lot..but u gotta wake up and smell the roses here because i think u are under imp's "cute" spell.
go email her all u like..or go to the spread imusic bbs...she took that over and everyone hates her there. she'll probably post her ass off about this over there. actually, she posts to almost every imusic bbs and takes it over...so there are plenty of forums for u 2 keep in contact with her.
i don't need my bbs 2 become "the enabler" to someone who is really twisted.
i think cutting her off was the right thing. not just for me..but also for her.
i mean, alcoholism is a disease, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to put up with an alcoholic throwing up in my living room who REFUSES to get help!
she doesn't even think she has a problem! and this is just not the forum to help her.
i've given her a YEAR 2 get her act together, but she hasn't. that's long enough in my book.
imp doesn't give a shit either. imp only cares about herself. haven't u ever noticed that pretty much EVERY single post she makes is something about HER and COMPLETELY unrelated to anything but whatever is going through her mind?
sure, insanity can be very entertaining at times.
but i'm not going to havce this forum be about "look how entertaining imp's psychosis is"
that's not good for us.
that's not good for her.
imo
i KNOW it's not good for me
there's still dankitti's ana voog bbs from which she is unbanned now...so anyone who is really upset about this...please go over there and post.
there's a link to it in the analinks section

Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 13:32:34:
In Reply to: imp's not hurting anyone... posted by sj on June 28, 1999 at 12:51:18:
i can "EXPECT" negative feedback..anyone should expect it whether in the public OR private eye.
but putting UP with it? no.
NO ONE should have to put up with meanness.
not ever. no matter how small.
no matter if in the public eye or not.
that's the SAME exact sort of attitude that if a woman should go outside in a short skirt she should "expect" ( read into: put up with )
being hassled or even raped.
meanness...never ever ever to anyone ever.
period.
i banned oopsguy for the SAME thing.
why didn't u jump on his bandwagon, too?
why should i have to ignore ANYONE in my house?
why should i have to be picked on by ANYONE?
sure, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism said in a polite and intellingent way is welcomed here. although that is a rarity, since people seem to vary widely on what is "constructive"
but in HERE, constructive is what *I* think it is. because this is my house. and those who treat me ,the hostess, in a rude manner will be WARNED before being banned.
i warned her. i warned her a lot.
but she did not heed my warnings...and could care less about my feeling..so she got the boot.
she WAS hurting me. so there. am i not a person?
and u do not know the whole history behind this. a year's worth of crap from her.
if anything, i've been MUCH too slack with her.

Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 16:22:18:
In Reply to: Re: imp's not hurting anyone... posted by sj on June 28, 1999 at 16:06:24:
sj, u just aren't "getting it"
meaness , no matter how small, just shouldn't "have" to be put up with.
and i DID "chill" for a year...an entire year.
i didn't just "freak out" out of nowhere.
consider that chinese water torture is one of the worst kinds!
sometimes the most harmful things are the things that APPEAR to be so small that they could do no harm. it gets into u like a virus...
but repeating those small things over and over can really build up.
like people yelling at u from car windows as they pass by...once is perhaps just annoying..but if that kept happening 2 u hundreds of times...u might just say "enough!"

Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 14:34:10:
In Reply to: harm? posted by Edward on June 28, 1999 at 14:22:22:
i am also a "nutty" girl, but that didn't stop anyone from stalking me three times, punching me in the stomache, strangling me against a wall, throwing knives and furniture at me, following me home etc etc.
posting a woman's ADDRESS on a bbs is like saying to stalkers "GO HERE"
THOUSANDS of funny, cute, nutty , creative women DIE each year..each MONTH each WEEK die 2 psycho assholes.
imp herself is a psycho asshole, but posting her address on the net is just not even THINKING...i don't know how u could be so blind to that!
who the heck KNOWS who reads this bbs? tons of people that don't even pist here even..but just silently read.
all it takes it ONE weirdo to go hurt her now.
yes, the world IS THAT sick! it really is, i'm not blowing this out of proportion!
u don't even have to be well known , like me for it to happen!
that's like rule #1 when it comes to the internet..DO NOT give your address or telephone # out to strangers!!!
ESPECIALLY if you are a woman. really, it's such a bad thing i cannot even fully say it!
i am just shaking that u did not know this!
how can u not know this?
the statistics for women being stalked is just INCREDIBLY high..i don't have the exact statistics here...but i can say just from my OWN experience that almost ALL my femake friends have had some degree of stalking done 2 them.
i mean, ME! three times! why do people want to hurt me?

Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 15:42:57:
In Reply to: learning posted by Edward on June 28, 1999 at 15:37:52:
:)
ok, not trying 2 be PURELY argumentative here all day.. :)
BUT...i want 2 point out that the "me" is not irrelevant...and attention turned inward is a very positive thing, too.
imo, it's best 2 strive for balance with "inward" and "outward"
and imo, the macrocosm is in the microcosm and vice versa :)
Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 16:17:14:
In Reply to: consider an onion posted by Edward on June 28, 1999 at 16:00:29:
know thyself :)

i'm just thinking...( no way..thinking..lol )
that if i don't figure myself out ( too )
how could i possibly "figure" out anything else?
the more inward u go...u also turn into nothing/everything...like a the quark! :)
Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 16:26:43:
In Reply to: You rock. posted by Edward on June 28, 1999 at 16:23:21:
yes! which is why i think that even though this site appears to be about me me me...it's not.
it's about u u u :)
and that's the thing that amuses me to no end! :)

Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 20:24:10:
In Reply to: U R U and I R I and U R I and I R U! (giggle) posted by Edward on June 28, 1999 at 16:38:29:
i haven't meditated, imo..although i've tried!
i actually realized the "everything is" thing while listening to pink floyd on my walkman while on a lunch break at my work being a housekeeper at a horrible hospital.
pink floyd..what a cliche...but i cannot deny it! they are still my favourite band!

Posted by ANA on June 28, 1999 at 16:13:50:
In Reply to: Anxiety posted by Tari on June 28, 1999 at 15:58:33:
xanax!
it's like little kisses kissing me from both sides keeping me safe! hehe :)
x ANA x

Posted by ANA on June 29, 1999 at 13:39:47:
In Reply to: this old house posted by mateo on June 29, 1999 at 13:19:27:
well, when i first started my cam i had a lot of things "built up" in my head that just all exploded out in the first few months.
but it's pretty hard 2 keep up with that every day for two years.
i don't know if u have ana2...but if u saw arcana and the anagrams in there, i think you'd be pretty flabberghasted at the amount of creative stuff i output! :)
and i have gotten to be a MUCH better photographer...i have grown leaps and bounds in that department. :)
the wall of sevens will be back someday :)
that place looked really cool on cam, but it was SO damn small and rundown and i was really miserable there towards the end and it wasn't in a very good area of town so i felt very unsafe.
so it's much better for my sanity to live here.
it's good to keep changing and growing and evolving sometimes.
and when i move again...i'll bet some people will then miss this place, too.
each place has it's own character and things.
plus i really haven't even decorated here at all yet.
what u saw in that apartment was the product of five years of accumulation.
if i end up staying where i'm at for five years...it'll start growing it's own personality...things take time.