i never wanted to be one of those "bitter older people". i always thought that bitter older people were just people who didn't try hard enough. or were just insecure and wanted life handed to them in exchange for minimal effort. i thought they were whiny and spoiled. i thought, "if you're not satisfied with how life has gone, get off your whiny ass and do something about it."

and while i do think that much of my judgements on this were, on the whole, true...i realize now...now that i AM a bitter older person...that perhaps life just sucks and that really isn't always in a person's control.

i'm not saying i've given up trying. far from it.

but here are some things i am bitter about...maybe rightfully so...and maybe not.

1. whenever i pick up one of those "women in rock" books. i am not in it. i really do believe i deserve a mention in SOME of them.
some all female bands that were NOT as "forefronting" as my band, the blue up? were are in these books...and i think it's either unfair or the writers of these books really didn't do their homework...or somehow...we just didn't make it into the fabric of all female subculture rock and roll.
and if we never do, i think this might be a thorn in my side for the rest of my life.

the one thing i have to back up this theory is that "s.f. sorrow" is not as well known as the beatles "sgt. pepper". if you love sgt pepper and you haven't heard s.f. sorrow..then look it up.
s.f. sorow was a concept album before the who's "tommy" and why that gets overlooked will always be a huge mystery to me. beyond a mystery. it's just plain wrong.

2. i was mocked and beaten for being new wave/ punk in high school...and now that it has been assimilated into our culture...i know that people who WOULD have been assholes to me in highschool (if we all could go back to that day) now think new wave/punk is cool. and i know they just think it's cool because it is now assimilated into our culture not because they actually think for themselves and like it.
i know this is extremely immature of me. but i just feel postal about it because that was one of the harshest times of my life.
i should get over it already, i know. what is my problem?
like avrille, i want to kill her.

3. ed ackerson, my first boyfriend, was a "mod".
i was completely obsessed with synthesizers but he turned me against them like some sort of charles manson figure (i was only 17...he was only 18 so i guess we have some sort of excuse).
that is how i ended up playing guitar all these years. he said synths were evil and guitar was god. now he thinks moog is awesome like he invented the damn machine.
i just want him to apologize to me for fucking up my music for several fucking years.
he won't. he never will. and this was so long ago now that why am i still mad? i'm mad because he just won't admit to me that *I* was right. moogs DO rule. asshole.

ok, i guess that is basically it.

what prompted me to write this?
i guess it was this local show that they play here on pbs.
and there are so many "new wave" bands in minneapolis now that i see. i should be HAPPY about this. i should be happy that this place has FINALLY caught on after 20 some years.
and why should i be mad at these people who didn't have anything to do with my high school torture? it's not their fault.
my band , The Blue Up?, was never really accepted into the "cool" scene". we didn't do heroin and we actually showered and we were NICE to people. we were nice to everyone. and worst of all, we were short and CUTE.
god help you if you are cute in this town.

i think if we were together now, we'd be the toast of the town.
we'd "fit right in"
we were ahead of our time. it's either true or something i say to myself to make myself feel better for being so rejected by the scene here.

i see these people playing now in minneapolis and i am cynical. i'm like, if this were 20 years ago...would you be in that band you are in now? or would you be a jock..trying to beat up the "uncool" people", like me.
how can i be excited for your success now if i cannot tell that?

at least in 1981 we had some way to tell if you are "real" or not.

what is "real" now?

i think it's sad that, 12 years after the fact (1981) , i am still fixated on this.
this is either NORMAL behavior (because i have never had true "offical" acknowledgement of my pain"...like it should MATTER)..
and then would someone please tell me it's still normal to feel this way)...or this is sheer lunacy and i am way fucking overly fixated.

and before you tell me i am overly fixated...let me let you know that i won't be happy at ALL with you telling me i am overly fixated.
because i do truly believe i was massively fucked over by:

1. just about everyone from my past in which i talk about here. you weren't there so you can't know.

2. there are things that happened that you probably will never know because i am not at the liberty to discuss it.

whatever.
i just wish that i didn't care about this.
believe me, i'm trying.

i don't know what i think i might gain by posting this here.

at least at one of my high school reunions..i don't have a GREAT desire to spike the punchbowl with acid and let them all have a bad trip.

i HAVE made progress in that department.

and writing this down is an essential part of my progress...
so i would hope...