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June
22nd, 2003
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11:53pm
it's been an inward time.
the night is hot. almost 80 at night and 90 all this week but with storms
each day. not really storms, it just rains.
it's tornado weather.
someone wrote this to me about my
thumb:
"The thumb is symbolic of personal power, and your grounding and connection
to the earth. It is connected to (energetic) wealth and self-sufficiency.
I
suspect you are working on learning to take care of yourself and REALLY being
self-reliant on an emotional and material level, and your thumb is
reflecting that. It will certainly heal, you don't need drugs, just good healthy
food and the
love of your *self* (first&foremost), woozlers, friends.
You might want to just sit and hold your thumb until you feel it
start to pulse, then imagine it healing and well. It sounds sort of too
simple, but it works."
that is TOTALLY it.and i cried when
i read that. and now that i know what my issue is right now that my thumb
is calling attention to (and i didn't need my thumb to hurt to tell me this)
i know that my thumb is going to heal right up. i don't need my thumb to be
infected to tell me what i'm going through. but maybe i did need it to be
in order for me to get my act together in a faster way.
anyway, i think i am too hard on myself, because if i were any more self reliant
i'd be a rock.
my mom is still emailing me and fucking
with my head but i don't write her back.
and i won't.
but i scream at her, in my mind, just about every waking second.
i don't have a family. i don't have
anywhere i belong.
it's hard to feel sturdy or steady because of this, but i do a damn good job
nevertheless.
i'm summarizing and simplifying because i don't have the energy to type it out.
i never expected life to be this hard. but who did?
i keep on keep on keeping on.
i'll explain this more later. maybe.
i'm going to go scrunch with my puppies now.
nite.
4:15pm
bathtime 9.62MB
2:51pm
not much to say.
actually, i have a lot to say but don't want to say it.
it's a slow grey sunday. not unpleasant.
hanging with jason.