this is a page i just added to the book section of ana2
and i also added 2 scans from journal 2 there, too

*******ATTENTION*******

this page was written on june 22nd, 2000..i am including it here because it's contents might effect the entire content of this section and what this section will be about in the future. if cris isn't interesting in collaborating with me on this, then this book section will continue on in the way it has been with page 14 being back to the 80's :)

here it is:

RA, Rachael, creature,

I responded to your e-greeting, but maybe you didn't get it or know it was from me ("ghosts"), or...it doesn't matter.
I choose this letter to tell you some things. What I'm not yet sure but I know it's too much for email, maybe too much for paper...but, a beginning.

First, for whatever it's worth, I need to tell you that from the soul of the pit of the heart of a man who has woken! ---I'm sorry.

The knowledge I've gained on my journey up hell's asshole through the bowels, to the edge of my demon's teeth , has come at a very dear price. A price I wish I could've payed alone, so much it cost us both. Yet I suppose we choose our path; and we chose to merge ours for so long. Even now they are not so distant from each other.
"there are parallels"

A month or so ago I made the decision to take all my writings of the past 15 years that I've been saving for "my old age" when I would then write a book.

It seems I feel I'm old enough now, and out they've come. Page by page I've gone through them looking for pieces of stories that I will attempt to meld like a mad Victor Frankenstein. Except the body parts are my own: heart, brain, bile, blood...and the graves i rob are all mine, too. Each moment that I've buried now unearthed. Brought to the light for me to witness with great honor and disgust.. Yet I knew each time I put pen to paper over the last decade plus, that this would come. In fact, I think I half intentionally created a monster then, that I could examine it's corpse now.

I remember watching my life unfold from a distance like some great epic tragedy , lamenting that I played the lead. And so now I've lived it again. Reliving 5 years in a matter of days certainly puts things in a new perspective, doesn't it?

And just when I thought I'd gotten through it all, I learned from a source that you were taking a similiar journey. And in the true style of you, it was for all to see. And so now I had to relive your version of certain seasons. Which I can honestly say - is sadder than mine. It was much harder to read your stories than my own, because as i eluded to, I think I thought mine was a fiction. Only realizing the hard truth of it when it came crashing in upon me. It crashes again. (and I say I am sorry for your pain )

I cannot begin to express the gammut of emotions your pages took me through, but one prevailed. Sorrow. Ironic, huh? "...and the worms that festered turned into flies..."

(hey it's me , ana, inserting a comment...what he is referring to here is my album "Sgt. Sorrow" which he was with during that writing and recording process..and i used photographs of him to collage together a visual book that goes along with album that i have yet to finish. And i photographed him as the character Sgt. Sorrow...and btw, u can hear that whole album in the "ana musiq" section )

You say you are doing this in essence to extricate and just put it all behind you once and for all. Which leads me to believe that you've been living with much of it still there. And I wonder if you reread those pages with hatred, detachment, coldness, anger, regret, love?...What?
All of the above? (much as I felt).

Thanks for sharing it. Although I am not particularly happy that so great many people have your views on my personal nature. i do have an oppurtunity that many do not. That is, to revisit one's own past through a lover's eye. To see how you affected someone, in all the beauty and pain and folly. To learn so as not to repeat those same mistakes.

Even as I read the words written by my younger self I realize there is so much I did not put down, so much has been left out. You have supplied so many of those parts. So too I see so much left out of your chronicles. Many of the good times, the first times, our meeting, 1st Ave, kissing in the rains...and onward. And..me. Or, rather, what I felt. But how could you know? How you helped create the beast I was as surely as that beast destroyed us (with a little help from our good friend, Prozac ).

(hey..it's me ana, again..i must insert my belief that i did NOT help to create the beast he was. no way. nada. He is the only one in control of his own self, not I.)

As you don't want people to judge you on your girlish writings of a decade ago, not do I wish to be judged by the actions of the torn, sad, desparate, searching soul who lived with you, who hurt you. Please keep that in mind.

If you really want to help your admirers, avoid mistakes, give them the whole story. Problem is, I possess half of it. ( I believe that between us two we could write the definitive book of what NOT to do.)

Ah, but there were so many good times, too. Those that shall never be replaces, surpassed, or forgotten. And if the decay of ageever takes those memories away, kill me then, for I do not wish to live and not remember them.

P.S. For now I ask that you grant this request: That you reply

Perhaps there are some things I haven't learned, but given my life at present, I think it best this once.

(ana sez: what does that sentence mean??? "Perhaps there are some things I haven't learned, but given my life at present, I think it best this once." ???)

With all good intent, I wish to use the past to help my present, my future. But the silence, or lapse, our distance must be broken first.

Someday soon perhaps, if you wish, I can introduce you to my new life. I am living with my girlfriend and our rabbit in a cozy apartment.

I tell my girlfriend often that I think the two of you would actually get along (But then you know how I hate people making assumptions on my behalf). So i guess I leave it in the air.

P.P.S.

So it seems that fate has allowed me time to make this letter to you. I hope somewhat legible. I am serving jury duty this week. Longwaits with nothing to do, but read...

also, it seems you are doing well, I hope it is so.
Hello again my friend,

Cris