anagram 061800

proof that deiter is tare panda!

6:54a http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2000/06/14/love/print.html
http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2000/06/14/love/print.html

4:52p http://www.msnbc.com/local/wnbc/858679.asp

8:37p well, absolutely no one "got it" as 2 why i was upset about the wanting to kill blondes with fake breasts.

10:11p i am reaching the end of my rope with trying 2 "raise consciousness" about injustices i see all around me. and soon i will turn inward again and work on creating my own little bubble of my utopia in my house. cycles. inward/outward. both necessary for me. time 2 do some major cleaning and decorating of my house and healing then emanating peace from my little werld. which is what i do best, perhaps. i know i can't change the werld, but that doesn't stop me from trying sometimes. i am passionate and emotional and i'm glad. i hurt. i am alive. my mom called me today but didn't leave a message, which was odd..she always lleaves a message. i wonder why she called. i wonder what she wanted to say or hoped she'd hear. i have fought my fights now. i have given it my all for now. i need to do that. i wonder if i have any impact. it's hard to know what 2 do. it hard 2 know when to pull and when to push and when to just roll with the punches. but i followed my heart, and i think i did ok. those that get it will get , those that don't will not. i know that, but sometimes i have 2 scream anyway. there might be still a few screams left, but even tho i sound very crabby, i am also feeling a sense of accomplishmnet. because i needed to say all the things i said. i needed then out of my, typed out and documented.

i just want to find the energy to write courtney love a letter. what she wrote that was published on salon is SO right where i'm at. i like her because she appears as passionate as i am. i wonder what her sign is?

thank u for staying by me :) i like that we're in this together :)

it's time 2 go 2 bed now. 10pm. yesterda;p[loday ) i went 2 bed at 8am. i am so tired

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Thursday, June 15th, 2000

11:01a hey, i got up, and it's morning :) i get another massage tonight from my friend carolyn! :) it's at 6:30pm i was so stressed out about the injustice happening in the camgirl bbs that i had such a terrible anxiety attack last night. i'm trying 2 figure out how 2 let it all go. must let go must let go must let go. i just feel so betrayed :( must let go must let go.

deep beathe deep breath move on move on. focus on the positive. i am thankful for my bbs in ana2. such a great community. MORE than great. i have so much 2 be thankful for. i have my aprtment and my dogs. i am thankful that i am not supressed even tho i'm opressed. i am thankful that i can feel. i am thankful for my dogs! i am thankful i have a kickass computer. i am thankful that my dad gets me. i am thankful that my mom still loves me even tshe thinks i'm crazy. i am thankful for the chocolate fudge brownie icecream in my freezer, even tho i ate too much of it last night. i am thankful for the white fuzzy robe i have on right now. i am thankful for the filters on my cam that cam somewhat disguise how awful i look right now :) lol :) i am thankful that i have a 12 pack of fresca in the fridge. i am thankful that i have enough money to buy a printer if i can figure out which hewett packard one i want to get. i am thankful i am creative and am never short of ideas. i am thankful that i rarely ever get bored. i am thankful for all the nice emails i get a day and for all the wonderful people who post on here. i am thankful for my chat channel. i am thankful i have a dishwasher and washing machine and dryer and an air conditioner. i am thankful that every month i can pay my rent. i am thankful i finally payed back zach his 18,000 and now he gets 20% of anacam for a year then 10% for another year, instead of 30% and there is an end in site to where i will finally own my whole business :) i am thankful that jason is a computer whiz and can make me so many little programmes that make my life easier. i am thankful that jason smells so yummy and is always the perfect temperature. i am thankful that jason got such an amzing new job that pays even more than the last one :) i am thankful that i have 5,150 people on my mailing list and they love to hear from me! i am thankful that i am able to see when it's time to let go and move on. i am thankful for telic who went and got money orders from me and sent them to the people overseas that i bought japanese chin figurines from...'cause i was too stressed to get to the bank. i am thankful that i love so many people and that they love me to ( ya, tha one is to YOU! ) i am thankful that i have channel Z but the b52s stuck in my head right now instead of some the bonanza theme song that has been inn my head for almost a month straight.
i am thankful that i make a living from the things i love most to do! make art! how cool is that??? THAT is THEE best. wow, it blows my mind. i am one lucky son of a gun ( what does that mean, son of a gun? )
i am thankful for xanax!
i am thankful that i have my health :) i am thankful that i can go on long walks. i am thankful that my dogs make me laugh a big laugh several times a day! i am thankful that i have the mental capacity that xz

and oh god! i just remembered that i forgot to by my dad a birthday present and father's day is coming up! and there is nothing he wants! what should i get him??????

i am thankful that i was born the way i look, 'cause i like the way i look. i am thankful that i have such a cool record collection. i am thankful that i was born with a nack for creativity and communication. i am thankful that i thrive on being alone yet i can talk to everyone all at once all over the world in my pajamas. i am thankful that i can heal myself sometimes. i am thankful that i can discern what things i can heal and what things i can't ( mostly )
i am thankful that i learn from my mistakes. i am thankful that i was born in such an interesting and exciting era. i am thankful i was introduced to computers. i am thankful for candles , incense and bubblebaths. i am thankful that my boyfriend jason has a sense of humour and is so damn cute!
i am thankful for chillcam ( www.thegeek.com ) even tho it's full of gliches. and as i typed that i just realized that the chillcam is not sending anything to anacam, only ana2. :/

i am thankful that i have so many cool uncles and aunts up in canada and that i'm starting 2 get in touch with them again :)

11:18a and thank u SO much everyone in here that posts positive things!!! u keep me sane! u really do! i am trying SO HARD right now not to dwell on the few very means posts that were made recently and be thankful for u, the ones who get "it". thank u thank u thank u! most of the posts in here are always so wonderful and supportive and there are very few ugly ones. but the ones that are so ugly are SO damn ugly. i feel scared from them. i want to transform them or obilterate them because they feel like a threat to my very existence. i wish i didn't feel so scared. but i do. and that's that. but thank u wonderful people for your WONDERFUL posts! and the ones that are wonderful are SO wonderful :) i am trying 2 shift my consciousness away from the negative. i am trying 2 get out of attack mode. i would like to go to a disco and dance for 7 hours straight to extricate this shit from me. i will put on music here and dance in my livingroom, i think. i used to dance every day until i would go into a blissful trance. but i haven't done that much sincve i moved in here with jason 'cause i like to blast my music at night and that's when he's asleep. i MUST get a boombox and some headphones with a very long cord so i can go into the thing room at night and dance!!! that always helped me so much mentally and physically. my own little private rave :)

11:40a i'm playing brandy ( yes, i like her! her voice is buttah baybee ) gonna make some tea. picking up the living room. jason went off 2 go eat with his friend paul and get his car washed. i think i will concentrate on folding all my clothes crumpled in the hall. because that is just ridiculous. i should be getting my period any second here. and friday is the full moon. i wonder what sign the moon is in that day. is there a place on the web where u can find out the astro "forcast" for that day? like what day is in what sign, and what planets are whipping around? like when mercury goes into retrograde and stuff?

12:07p and btw, i wasn't meaning to make jennnifer sound like she was a bad person. i love her very much. and i know that when she said that she didn't mean specifically ME. LOL :) i was just surprised to hear something like that come out of her. but nobody's perfect. i still love her very much! and yes, i understand the stereotype. i still hold a stereotype towards "jocks" have been so abused by them in high school. i can't even go back to that twon without my fur standing on end!anyway, i love her very much., i want 2 make that clear. i think she kicks ass

12:10p now i'm listening to the cocteau twins. i only like the first half of that of that brandy album. i made some heavy duty ginseng tea. altho, i think ginseng tea tastes gross. have u ever tried wtig tea? that is such a strange subtle yummy tea!

12:21p chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream :)

1:58p both jason and i are so tired today! i just want 2 lay around in my fluffy white robe today and eat ice cream and watch tv. and gosh darnit, i deserve it!

2:25p http://www.popmatters.com/features/000607-lee.html

3:29p the dogs are making silly noises. i was reading the webcam article ( url in the message below this one ), then looked at the bibliography to see if there was anything intereting i'd missed..but there wasn't. lots of dead links. i have pms so i want to eat lots of food. it's so grey here today. i think i might fall over from sleepiness

4:57p rain rain rain all over the werld :) i think i'll take a bubblebath now with the mango bubblebath an angel sent me :) i was trying 2 watch the movie about john denver on vh1 and it was THEE most corny terrible movie ever! poor john denver i'm sure his life COULDN'T have been THAT corny! poor guy! and the way the actor was portraying him...it was the most OPPOSITE of anything sexual. eek. the way that actor kissed his fake john denver wife made me want 2 hurl! like totally. gag me with a spoon. i wonder how my mom is doing. i'll bet i really upset her. i'll bet she is just crying and having a terrible time. but i can't think of anything i could do 2 help that wouldn't be fake on my part. my mom is going to HAVE 2 meet me half way.
how can i have any relationship with someone who doesn't think women should be ever allowed to take their top off 'cause "that's just the rule" . and i'm like , " mom u HAVE 2 get deeper than that if u want to have a relationship with me" and i told her over and over that she is not stupid...she's NOT stupid..she is just in utter denial. "the rule"? that is so pathetic of an answer! she says that my problems are so trivial to something compared to people dying of cancer. so if i was dying of cancer..i wonder of my mom could see how silly her judgement is?

9:14p mmmm. i just had a nice hour long massage from my friend carolyn :) i'm all nice and oily :) now i'm throwing a frozen pizza in the oven and watching the comedy channel :)

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Friday, June 16th, 2000 Time Event
2:18p sorry, my computers were down for awhile because i was defragmenting my harddrives on both computers, and that always takes forever. i feel really blah today and my period is starting..sort of..it can't make up it's mind. i have no idea what 2 do with myself today. but i did watch this movie called "being there" with peter sellers that i'd never seen before and it was really cool :) i love peter sellers :)
2:24p my streaming won't get connected...hmmmm.
5:02p i've been cleaning the house. i put carpet cleaner on the part of the rug in front of the couch. took a bath and cleaned the tub and i'm washing clothes and stuff. it's hard 2 be on cam when i'm cleaning 'cause i move around so fast all over. it's actually HARD to stay on cam . most people think it'd be hard 2 keep off of it..but actually it's the other way around. does anyone know how i could have many monitors all over the house from one computer? i need long cords for all my cams and then i need to somehow put monitors all over so i can see what i'm doing with my cams.
(6
9:41p it's funny as i'm learning 2 confront things..others are trying 2 learn the exact opposite!

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Saturday, June 17th, 2000
8:17p not feeling so well today. no biggee, tho

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Sunday, June 18th, 2000
12:33a ooo, i love the new delete button feature of this livejournal! :)))

11:08a regarding my entry on:
Thursday, June 15th, 2000
4:57p
and all the responses...
i am not just sad that my mom doesn't understand my mission 2 have women be able 2 go topless ( if that were the only thing, belie e me, i wouldn't be very upset! )
...it's that she doesn't understand and it very OPPOSED to my whole philosophy,theology, spirituality, etc etc...
belief systems...values....
sure we can agree on things like , " do not kill, steal, etc "
and it's not like she is just upset about me having a cam, or even being in "showbiz"...it's WAY deeper than that.

i have 2 call my dad for father's day. i am so nervous lately. more than usual. paralyzing. jason went out 2 eat with his family for father's day. and i wish i were in the right state of mind 2 go with. i just feel like such a freak. jst even typing this is very embarrassing for me. but that's just where i'm at right now.

i love old cartoons. some are on right now that look like they are from the 40's maybe. i love the really really old ones that are black and white, like betty boop. i should see if i can buy some of those on dvd. any suggestions of what would be the best ones to buy?
11:19a www.xybernaut.com

9:08p slow day. yes it twas :)

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Re: The right to do nothing ana 2000-06-18 19:09 i am guessing that many women voted for that on principle. but the actual REALITY is that if a woman takes her top off in public, she is going to get majorly stared at , if not downright ridiculed...no matter what the law is. it will take quite a few pioneers in that department to go out topless a lot in a bunch of different situations for a long time to change the way things ARE to fit the rule.

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Monday, June 19th, 2000
1:55p i will reply a lot 2 many things soon. but right now i have 2 get ready 2 get outside fast 'cause jason and i are gonna do some shopping for the house and errands and such. stacy u kick ass! no, i am not bi-polar...just nervous. i function perfectly fine when taking into account my entire circumstances. i am proud of myself. STACY U KICK ASS! i do not need my mom to validate me, i just need to find SOMETHING i could possibly base a friendship on with her. i am NOT having a hard time with her just because i feel women have a right to go topless ( THAT IS NOW THE THIRD AND FINAL FUCKING TIME I WILL SAY THAT) i guess i will go gather all my "coping skills" and but them in a pretty basket since i am going outside today....which i DO go outside actually qiiote frequently if anyone that is a prick would fucking get a clue. maybe i WOULDN'T have so many PROBLEMS id i DIDN'T go outsie?? hmmmm, that is certainly a nie option foe me 2 consider :) hmm. yes....going outside NOT FUN. staying inside FUN. hmm. which one should i do? gosh, it's such a HARD decision! LOL :)
5:22p i went 2 target and i bought some silver sparkly tennis shoes. i really am NOT a tennis shoe person. i like boots. i feel like an utter dork in tennis shoes. they are just not me. but the silver speakly ones are at least a step up from the real jogging shoes i bought which are the ugliest shoes in the world with their turquoise and blue stripes running through them...altho they ARE very comfortable! but tennis shoes, to me, look like bandaids or something. like someone put a big gob of puffy bandaids on their feet. i don't know why they can't come up with a better design. why can't they make motor cycle boots that have nice inner soles in which to walk? i mean, i know that people need a specialized shoe in which to do hardcore walking or running...but why SO damn ugly?

i also bought two mini fans. one purple , one blue...to put on jaosn's desk and my desk. but mine causes my monitor 2 jiggle :( so maybe i'll try to put it in the bedroom for when i sleep..or else i'll give them away to friends.

and i bought two very ordinary utilitarian silver metal wate paper baskets to put at our desks.

and i bought some echinacea and some wheat grass tablets and some emergen-c and some 100% pure lavendar oil! *swoon* it's enough 2 knock u over!

why do so many rappers hunch over while they are rapping like they are trying 2 poop in the woods? who started that?

is da brat still around? i liked her 1st album.

yesterday on mtv they did "the top 40 biggest bad ass countdown"

ozzie ozborne was #1, keith moon and keith richards tied for #2, and motley crue ( ???) were number three! ( why???)
wendy o'williams was #10 and courtney was #12
i love wendy o :) too bad she killed herself :(

slayer were in there somewhere. i knew they sucked, but i didn't know they sucked THAT bad! woa. suck-o-rama

wow, i don't even have this lavendar oil bottle open and it's just so heavy! mmm. i can put some in baths at night :)

what did everyone get their father's for father's day? ( or their nearest equivelent of a father..if that applies )

11:50p i'm working on a new anagram. my face is breaking out like crazy. i have my period. i took lots of echincea and wheat grass tablets. erik from hereandnow.net called me today and said that on friday their sound guy and tech guys are coming here and hooking me up with all of it like hereandnow have. so i'll have 3 different kind of streams..56k, 100K, and supermegafast. and i'll have a cam witha very long cord so i'll be able to take it with me erverywhere all over the house :) and i'll be able 2 play u my fave cds and stuff! :) yay :)
11:59p thunder and lightning!! :)

i don't mind unkind advice. i dislike jusdgement calls that are unkind. the kind that is like, " get some coping skills" etc.

which really isn't going to do me any good, obviously.

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Tuesday, June 20th, 2000

12:21a reading all the comments on my entry at 8:37p Wednesday, June 14th....re: the comments by the anonymous poster who said , "
I would love to see her deal with her issues more privately, and reserve the cam for joy, art, and nonsense"
and
"maybe ana would feel better, be less anxious, and be more of an influence on the world if she concentrated on what is clearly her gift of abstract, juicy, semi-hallucinogenic thought processes, and stopped trying to nail everything down…she is spending almost all day every day on these journals it seems, or being upset…"
and
"I don't really want to hear your thoughts on everything all the time, and certainly not in lieu of experiencing your art. Ana, *as an artist* has just not delivered lately. I think it's becaseu she has been so caught up in all of this linear thinking, and i think it sucks"

lol :)
one of the many things that is cool about my site is that u can see the PROCESS of making art. not just the art itself. hashing shit out in many linear and nonlinear ways is one of the many strange, beautiful, tortorous, painstaking, miraculous, boring, steps TOWARDS making art.
i am not an art factory. i never know when i will make art again. it could be hours, days, weeks, months, years. seconds away...
that is another cool thing about my site..u never know what is going to happen next :)
and neither do i :)
12:26a thanks 2 telic for findomg out the origins of the saying "son of a gun" :
http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/msonofagun.html

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Re: Fuck us
ana
2000-06-19 15:00
but i do know what's right for ME. i don't think i've ever out and out asked for anyone's advice...except on where 2 get some cool felix the cat dvds :)
what i do here is i tell my story. then u can pick and choose what u decide 2 do with my story , for yourself...u can tell your own story back. whatever u wanna do.
i just don't want any judgements thrown at me. i know i'll most likley still GET them because people don't pay attention, but i can still WISH and SAY that i HOPE will NOT get any.
if i asked any questions like, " am i crazy??"
it is a rhetorical question.

i don't mind unkind advice. i dislike jusdgement calls that are unkind. the kind that is like, " get some coping skills" etc.

which really isn't going to do me any good, obviously.

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posts i made under the bed :

Posted by ANA on June 12, 2000 at 23:00:26:

i can't express what a totally bizarre fuct up...painfully bad, brutally honest, crazy crazy CRAZY day it's been! it will take me awhile 2 digest what the day was.
1st thing...i finally broke down and started sobbing about how fuct up my family is...and i am just now realizing this. i can't go into the details...no energy
i also want 2 say that my family KICKS ASS...except for my mom who is,to me, living in a state of denial. can't go there yet. too much . overload.
i have yet 2 get caught up reading all the new posts in here
jacqui...i just wanted 2 express 2 u what a totally mazing woman u are! u inspire me so deeply...which is why u never get an email from me. and i can't find your email address again! aaa!

god...so much i want 2 tell u but never find the energy 2 do so!

aaaa! too much i want 2 express so much! brain overload. where do i start?

this is all i can type right now
i am so exhausted but i think i've made some break throughs today. at least to my dad.

woaaaaaaaaa. so MUCH!

u all kick ass!

i will try 2 explain 2 u what kind of day i had later. i wish i could have had the sound on so u could see my emotional turmoil!

i have gotte so much beautiful email from the last massage i sent 2 my list. it will take me awhile 2 digest it and reply

brain spliting open. energy releasing. must digest and deflect

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Posted by ANA on June 13, 2000 at 18:30:29:

i care about u very much. words cannot convey very well. i have been suicidal many times. yesterday i had a nervous breakdown..but today i feel better for it.
the complaining stage, which was the stage u were in, is a necessary stage. then u realize that complaining doesn't help TOTALLY. it does help for a little while, it is necesarry. but then if u STAY in that stage, u finally realize that that , in and of itself, will get u nowwhere...so actually, i see that as a positive thing for u.
realize that people are angry with u, they are angry about feeling so helpless. stacy has is going through a recent death right now.
i can only offer some very simple advice

pray

send out a signal into the universe to help u...we are all connected and all one. miracles do happen. u are not alone. u realize u cannot do this all by yourself

NONE of us can. we need to be connected to the force/source/highpower/god/thing
please reach out to "it" in whatever form u can
it is there. and it loves u.
we love u

this is the thing that gets me through the worst of times
u are right...there is nothing we can say that will help u or change u

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Posted by ANA on June 14, 2000 at 19:19:34:

In Reply to: Re: (((dankitti))) posted by haikucoo on June 14, 2000 at 18:13:51:
{{{{haikucoo}}}}

another frightening thing is that i went to the tori bbs at tori.by.net a few weeks ago and someone brought up the question, " if u could go back in time and stop tori from being raped, would u do it?"

and so many people said they wouldn't because they thought so much good had come from tori being raped ( www.rainn.org )

it's sick.

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Posted by ANA on June 15, 2000 at 18:50:08:

In Reply to: extensions questions posted by stacy on June 15, 2000 at 14:01:39:
i don't know about the glueing stuff in your hair thing except that it's supposed 2 be bad 4 your hair.
but the way i had mine in...braided in very tightly then tied in with upholstery thread...wasn't that GREAT to my hair simply because i left them in for so long, that that gunk your scalp makes would get stuck in where they braided it and tied it and it makes it very hard and painful to comb out. altho my new trick with soaking my hair in vinegar for 2 hours then combing it out with those short wire brushes i bought for my dogs...pretty much did the trick to ungnarl my hair.

the women that did my hair are one oif the few people that know how to tie them in, so they said. i don't know how many people do it that way...but one of the other places that ties them in is hair police from minneapolis. www.hairpolice.com
they now have a salon in amsterdam , too

the people who did my hair are from the robert james salon.
if i were u , i would call them and ask them the differences!

my hair fell out on the sides of my head because my hair there is weaker...and i had such LONG extensions that i think the sheer weight of them slowly broke my hair there. but on the top of my head, my hair is still fine.

it wasn't the bleaching of my hair that made my hair fall out there

( weird...on the sundance channel right now is this movie called "snow" and i thought it looked like it was made in minneapolis, and it was! i thik this is the first movie i've ever seen since "purple rain" that was made here :)

so...
the robert james salon people ( bobbi and trina ) said that brandy get her extenstions re-tied in every 2 weeks...
and i am thinking of doing that for two years so i can grow my hair out...because to do it that way...my hair would not break or get so much gunk in it..it would comb out easily
and i never can grow out my hair 'cause i hate that it' slight brown , and i get so unhappy with it that colour that i always end up bleaching it...which then at the end...really makes your hair fall out..so i can never get it to grow out

and it's be DAMN expensive to do...but if i could put all my money into that for two years...i could have really nice long haair, so that'd be worth it :)

if u glue them in, u can never grow out your hair, i don't think...so then u will have to spend some time growing out your hair after u get the extensions out so u can have them put back in.

( watching this movie is so weird! i think i just saw my friend john crozier in it! and there's a cows poster :)i didn't know minneapolis looked so distinctive..but it does :)

then...are u gonna get braids or dreds or "normal" hair? 'cause getting fake hair dreds SUX 'cause they stick together like velcro! so having braids is nice 'cause your hair doesn't stick together and u never have 2 comb it. i don't know what it'd be like to have "normal " fake hair...i think it would be hard to comb out and get dry...'acuse u can't dry it with a hair dryer 'cause it melts!

so call robert james salon in minneapolis
or call hair police..or maybe email hairploice...i don't know how fats they are about getting back 2 u through email...and i have never had my hair done there but i know it's the "coolest" place 2 get your hair done

find out your options! unless u just want to have really short hair again after u have 2 get your extensions out

oh ya,and it hurts for a few days once u get them tied in...then your hair scalp itches for a few more days..and then after that it's totally fine :)

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Posted by ANA on June 15, 2000 at 15:13:15:

In Reply to: I am thankful posted by maw on June 15, 2000 at 14:50:20:
{{{{{{{{{{MAW}}}}}}}}}}}}}
yes, it is recharging time! it'd be nice if we could save everyone and ourselves. it's so much it's hard 2 know even where 2 begin! but we try our best , i know. it's time now 2 watch silly movies and lounge. it's hard 2 know when to stop trying 2 save and when 2 just give up for awhile before implosion sets in.
i just couldn't have a sense of humour for the the last while ( except for my dogs who are so hilarious!). i still don't think i've got my sense of humour back, but at least i'm learning how 2 breathe again.
and i hope u are, too

{{{{{{{{GROUP HUG}}}}}}}}}}

jason got me an air pump now for my big latex ball! i think i'll see how on earth u blow it up :)

hey, and kaela, if u read this...u know the rollerskates that u got me but were a bit too big for me? well, i gave them to carolyn and they fit her EXACTLY and she LOVES them and it made her SO happy :)

now we all have to get some rollerskates with pom poms that will fit us all and everyone has to get some kitty hoods and we have to all eat popcorn and rollerskate with our kitty hoods on :)

i still am looking to buy some old fashioned rollerskates ( size 6 )
with sparkly laces and pom poms

i wnat to try to figure out how to sew sweatshirts with groovy animal ears on them for all of us! maybe i could get a pattern for a hooded sweatshirt pockets. i have never sewn from a pattern before, but i have a kick ass sewing machine :)
i wonder how i could make a pooka dog one...but the pooka dog is so intricate!

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posts i made in the camgirl bbs

Re: re: xan's email 2 me

Posted by ANA on Wednesday, 14 June 2000, at 8:00 p.m., in response to Re: re: xan's email 2 me, posted by ****on Wednesday, 14 June 2000, at 7:40 p.m.

so u think that being a racist is ok?
i am sorry but i do not want to "chat" in a forum that allows blatant racist slurs to continue.
i know u are not an american , so maybe u just don't care about this. but that's sad.

and b wrote to isa:
"PS: I just ran a 64K proxy script against two topsites and it seems to work against both very simply ... is that a wrong thing to do? if so why? I'm curious about the philosophical implications before I proceed any further ... I'm sure the Sherriff of Nottingham thought Robinhood a criminal too ... I ve soooo longed to put an end to this top list recycling crap and force competition to more productive means. "

that is a threat.
that is going to far.
racism and threats.

how can one NOT get political when this is going on?
i will not push this under the carpet.
i refuse to pretend it's ok
i refuse to change the subject

i think this is WORTH getting emotional about

there is a TIME to be emotional. and the time is NOW

what's gonna take? if someone in here starts calling people "#####" or saying we should kill more jews or what?
would that be bad?
would u push that under the carpet and say that we should just get back to "chatting"?

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Re: Firewire Ports/ IEEE link card

Posted by ANA on Wednesday, 14 June 2000, at 8:27 p.m., in response to Firewire Ports/ IEEE link card, posted by ****on Wednesday, 14 June 2000, at 8:10 p.m.

oh yes, let's get back to the really IMPORTANT issues while racism brews under our very noses.
to ignore evil is maybe even more evil that evil itself...

hide hide ignore ignore cower cower shove it under the carpet
let's live in our little protective bubbles.
as long as it's not happening to US and we aren't smelling the burning flesh..everything is ok

and we wonder how the holocaust happened?
what does it take to wake us up?
where do we stop? where do we start?
hi!

i started my cam so i could COMMUNICATE with the world.
i have my video capture card so i can COMMUNICATE with the world
hello? hello? is anyone home???

what good is all this technology if we don't use it for any GOOD?

ok, i'll stop now. i don't know how more clear i can be.
that's the last i'll say about this.
i hope someone on hear "heard" me

hello...hello..hello....my name is ana....

over and out,
me

---------

email i sent 2 jennifer:

hi :)
sorry i have been so incommunicado lately
my life has been a very big jumble of intense confrontation ( as u could probably see quite obviously! )
i confronted my parents finally about 15 years worth of stuff
just so much..i can't even go into it
and u probably don't wanna hear about it anyway, 'cause you've got enough 2 deal with as it is! LOL :)

i am learning more about confrontation, which is good..because my parents don't confront anything at all

i just wanted 2 somehow TRY to say as quickly as possible, and try 2 not get on a soapbox about it....
that my life is FOR many things ...and that being FOR so many things i am by DEFAULT against other things
i am for people being able to be themselves, i am for expression, i am for just BEING

i did not get breasts and bleach my hair to make any statement other than i found these two things to be pleasing to me,
which is yes, very ingrained in our culture...it is hard for me 2 separate my culture with myself
after a decades worth of introspection on WHY did i want to get bigger breasts...i decided to just get them, because i just liked them, and who knew why?
i'll most likley be dead on 50 years, or maybe 60...so i just decided that life's too short to ponder that topic any more...so i just got them. 'cause goddammit. i wanted 2 know the joys of cleavage and bullet bras :)

then i discovered that by getting them, i was , by default, pushed into a poltical arena
i never wanted 2 be some damn political. i'm a girl dammit, not a politic.

heck, just by being a GIRL...blonde or not...and i've had my hair every shade in the book...and i had no breasts either...i was always shoved into the political spotlight just because i was being me.

i'm not looking for a fight. i'm not trying to go out of my way to be AGAINST anything...that would be way too much of a drag for me. i do not get off on fights. i want to live a peaceful life.
but i will not make any compromises in being myself to have a peaceful life.
so that is what i'm trying to do. i will not back down and dye my hair brown and dress really boringly to hope to have a more peaceful life.
that would feel to me like a cowardly thing to do.

so i am trying to be an example of a person who likes to shine as bright as they like, and still say, " i deserve a peaceful life"

that is what i am FOR

many people push against me on it, which makes me miserable...what i'm saying is that from all my years of just walking down the street minding my own business...in whatever colour and shade of hair i've ever had..from no breasts at all to big breasts...from just being a nobody girl working at a donut shop to being in "showbiz" or whatever....in all of these "incarnations" i have had people stalking me, yelling at me and coming at me from every angle of negativity as possible! it is most unfortunate and energy-sucking.
and indeed it has turned me into quite a feisty ( to say the least ) fireball of a person.

i mean, 34 years of this....it makes a person a bit edgey! and that is a normal reaction to what i have been through in my life

so...
anyway...i had a big few weeks of intense confrontation
now i am having the next few weeks , or months...returning inward again...i know i cannot change anyone...i am the one who would say that 2 u!
i know u know that also :)
but , i'm not perfect, and sometimes i still try
i am not the zen master yet :)

anyway...i just don't want u 2 get the wrong idea about me that i am only this angry person who is AGAINST everything.
i mean, surely u can see that i'm not...look at all the conversations we've had, y'know?

i am not looking for trouble. i am just trying 2 be myself with no compromises.
i am not buying into any stereotype. i am so not a stereotype it's not even funny!
u can see that, yes? i hope so :(

whether we are blonde with big boobs or brown with no boobs or blonde with no boobs or purple with big fake triangular boobs, or sneetches with the star on the belly or no star..we all deserve to live a peaceful life and be free from harsh stereotypes and judgements

that's all i'm trying 2 say

i hope i've been clear and not too crazed in my way of saying it
i know i've really been very angry lately about many things, but i have good reason to be, when taking into consideration everything i've been through.
which, it's hard to see the "everything"...because there is so much to take into account! :)

sometimes i need to get angry, too. it's part of the necessary cycles and processes that make up parts of me

i hope i am not scaring u off or anything....i fear that maybe i have a little bit :/
i hope this is not the case forever!
{{{{{{jennifer}}}}}}}}

i am an intense creature 2 be sure! :) i mean, i'm double aries with leo rising! hehe :)
but i do try 2 steer clear of u whe i get this way because i know ( i think? ) that it's not your thing
and i can TOTALLY understand why it would not be ( if i am at all correct in making an educated guess on that )
and i don't fault u for it

just please see that i didn't go get blonde hair and breasts to get into a fight or make any political statement..or statement of any kind
i just like to play with myself :) and it's a hard core version of playing "dress up"

then AFTER i do these things i find myself foisted into heated political battlegrounds about feminism and gender and sex and everything! ack!

i used 2 not argue these things with people...but now i do ( when i feel up for it ) because at 34, and having shredded and analyzed every inch of myself...i feel now have the skills and knowledge to say what i need to say. i say it for myself...because it keeps me sane to say it, at this time
and i do know that it does help quite a few people who hear what i'm saying. i get many many emails from people thanking me SO much for saying what they could not say. for indeed, it is quite confusing! so i'm glad i can put it in words and not be afraid of being labelled" overly emotional" or "radical feminist" or whatever.
i feel proud of myself now to be able to confront a lot of things that i need to confront.
i'm sure i'll get this out of my system after awhile...and then i won't have that need anymore, especially since i'm getting this all typed out and documented :)

and it will be a relief when i finally say all there is to say about it, that i need to say..then just feel excorcised from that and i can be more like yoko ono, who doesn't really explain anything as much, because i believe she is so strong within herself...AND she got it all "out in the open" long ago...and is older and wiser.

i just know that what i'm going through right now is a necessary part of my process to healing
i hope u can see that and understand :)

and i hope now we can speak more frequently about whatever YOU are going through right now, too! because i have been so utterly consumed with my own issues right now...i have not been able to take in yours as much, altho i have been reading all your journals and i think they are amazing and wonderful :)

and i can't wait until someday i can live in the country..or something country-eque...as jason does not like the country...maybe i could get a warehouse space with a big open roof to play on top of and have many plants and be able to see lots of things from my rooftop :)

i am definitely calming down some , somewhat...altho this is not actually apparent if u read mylivejournal. LOL :)
did u see that livejournal thing?

http://www.livejournal.com

the fun thing about it is , it's just this programme..so teeny tiny..and u can just type into this little square and hit "send" and poof, it ftps itself up!
so u can keep people up to date on what u are doing minute by minute, if u feel like it :)
and then it archives it all for u...altho, i do also cut and paste it all and stick it on my site, too...'cause i like everything to be on my site.

and u can put it right into your site, too..so that it doesn't even show that it's at the livejournal site.
and u can disable the option that people can post responses to whatever u post up..if u don't want that sort of thing...

but i like that feature..then it makes it like a bbs...but u can't see the whole thread of what people wrote ( u can just see how many people responded ) so it doesn't run off the page. and people can just read it like a journal and not read any of the respondses at all. so that's what i like about it...is that's it's a journal that ftps itself....but has the ability to also be a bbs. and now u can easily delete any respones u don't like just by clicking on the response u wish to get rid of.

and it's cool 'cause it has this "friends" feature...so can click on that then see the latest 20 entries your friends maded, so u can keep up with what they are thinking about and doing , too :) so it's just really a fun thing 2 have :)

as u can tell, i like it a lot! and i hope u get one, 'cause it's just SO MUCH FUN! :)

ok, i'll send this off 2 u now ;)

xox,
ana