anagram 061300

Tuesday, June 6th, 2000

12:51a i'm making a new anagram and listening 2 mark hollis

3:26a ok, new anagram up and analogs 052900, 060300, and 060600 www.anacam.com/analogs/ i have a headache :/ i am burning a pink candle and listening 2 terre thaemlitz's replicas rubato, which is a woman's instrumental piano versions of gary numan songs...altho she has chnaged them so much, they are almost unrecofnizable as gary numan songs, but it's still a very nice cd :)

6:15p today is another non typing day.

11:02p i'm stuck in cute cute cute japanese sites again! check this out: http://www.calpis.co.jp/fan/nude/Pages/nude_move.html

Wednesday, June 7th, 2000

2:32a check out this new evil rapper...article at salon: http://www.salon.com/ent/music/feature/2000/06/07/eminem/index.html

4:56p wow, how did it get 2 be 4:30 already? jason has his friend paul over, right when i woke up...so i am still in my slip even tho i look like shit. i'm like fuck it..here is me. i am slob. oh well. i talked poor paul's ear off about the evils of the music industry and such fervour that i just feel so stupid now for monopolizing the conversation! but it's such a good war story. and i just can't have people ask me, " so are u still writing music?" and i say, not for 3 years..and here is WHY. i always have to say the whole thing. because it's very COMPLICATED to how i got where i am. it's like when people ask me. how am i? i culd never answer "fine" until just now out of exasperation. i realized they don't WANT the whole story! but i find the story fascininating because it's full of psychology that we ALL can relate to in some way or another ( ok, well, not ALL ) but i am detail oriented and it's all i think about all day. so it's basically like getting stuck in a mad scientists lab where they are completely possessed with the PROCESS. i went on a huge 3 hour conversation today AT jason 'cause i wanted 2 explain to him the process i go through to get through HERE. whuch is not the end result, it never is. but how i got HERE is interesting to me. i love stories. and i love the fact that i am actually old enough now to HAVE stories, too :) anyway..that's another reason i don't go out 'cause i can't be succinct. so i end up honing in one one poor soul who listen and i tell them the story of my life..and now as a joke in the end..and please do disseminate all of this to the populace. 'cause i can only say it ONCE, once in awhile. and i put on the whole spread, 'cause i think in terms of holistics and how everything is connected. i can't talk about one thing without talking about EVERYTHING. and i just don't have the physical time or energy to say it ALL, and say it all well, then go back and say it again better later on..than having a cam. i don't try to be impersonal, and not write EVERYONE back an email. it's because i care too MUCH that i can't summarize and once i say it to one person, they are the only one who gets to hear it because i have used up all my energy into that oNE conversation. and who i tell the story to could be anyone...u just have to find me on the right day at the right time and boom , you're IT. it has more to do if u are at the right time and place and i'm in the mood than u are it. it doesn't have MUCH to do with how special u are in my life. actually, the people who get no emails from me are the MOST apt to not get me 2 talk...because then i REALLY care about them, but i just don't have the energy to put in my 100%.
and if i can't put in my 100% i don't do it at all. or maybe the reason i don't talk is because i give it my all , all the time, u just have to be in the right place at the right time.

like right now i am typing in here alll of this to YOU. yes, YOU. when i write it is to only one person. that's how i can think,. that's why even tho the way i type might not get across everything grammatically perfect and well formed ..but i think u get more of a sense that i'm typing to u, as in a conversation. i type like i talk. except i talk a lot faster and it's even more incomprehensiable "live" because i slur my words together into an "ana-speek" and listening to me is a skill only my best friends have perfected. and they can follow me the whole story like renee and carolyn from the blue up would understand everything at the interviewer REALLY fast..'cause it's like reading lips. but the interviewer...can only take in bits and pieces 'caus the don't have the special skill to deciper my speech.

and that is also a reason why i am not talking into the streaming cam much ( besides the fact the fact that the sound isn't ON right now, 'cause jason is home. and now his friend is over and he is camera shy. and i said to him, " out of interest...why ARE u uncomfortable with the cam being on you? i am interested from a psychology standpoint" and he said the usual statement of , " no one would want to look at my ugly mug" which is just the standard excuse and said out of humour because it's too much of an issue to get into. or maybe it's that they CAN'T explain it. or else, they really do fear judgement that they think they are ugly.

i mean, i know i hate being on cam when i feel ugly, and i shouldn't shy away from it as much as i do...because if people saw me when i'm really a slob ( which is ALWAYS lately :) i guess i am getting somewhat better about appearing on cam when i feel i am more ugly. i people need to see that, i believe. but u have to have rather thick skin because i get dogged on for the way i lok even when i consider myself pretty! but lots of people LIKE how i look..so it all evens out. and that gives me energy. but i still recognize that i most often give the most response when i am replying to when someone is dissing me. and that's because i feel comfoitable receiving a compliment , for one thing. but it's when someone misunderstands me..that is my "button" that is my hottest button to push. it's hard to let people go thinking the worst thoughts about me. it reminds me of when my really abusive boyfriends would blame everything on mecand say i was crazy! and i didn't want to be SO misunderstood when i lOVED them SO much thati would stick with them through thick and thin. and it was mostly thin. buit i am VERY loyal.

anyway..that's where i have to give more credit for jus physically BEING herself on cam no matter how good or bad she looked. she has more guts then i do in that respect. but i was more out there pychology wise, and she his that. now she is also typing about her personal side. she kicks ass BOTH ways :) god, i love her.: she is such a inspiratiion to me :)

and she says i inspire her , too. now she is using the cam as a reason to commincate in an artful way..and it doesn'tjust have to be about surrveillance. i love that she grows like that. i love to watch her evolve. it's like cheering on my sister!

she was told that to be academically smart is better than being creative. she didn't know she had creativity in her or that it would be valued. but she sure is shedding that skin now and defining her own boundries of what she can do ( and she has done that from the start )

ok, i am going of from subject to subject here..as i talk in real life. so back to the sound thing...i like to TYPE what i say because then i have a record of it and i can go back and look at it and so can others. i can see my process ten years prior.
and with me talking into the microphone, it is just said and then is gone...and i do think i speak in a most amusing way, so it's fun to listen to me ramble ( to some :)

if i had a way to SAVE what i said..like had my own cpurt reporter...that would be ideal :)

but because i don't know how to type it kind of slows down my crazy mind ( but not by much ) and it is more satisfying for me to type it out. and then people can read it at their leisure time. and they can skim through the parts they don't want to read. and they can take bits of things i've said and cut and paste it , so it is accurate. at least, as far as my typing is accurate.

that way conversatiions can go on timlessly with accuracy. they can see that i wrote such and such a thing at such and such a time, and it's not HOW they heard it..it's how i wrote it.

and that more exact way of communication can then be more clarified later on. because i lover to clarify. i think i will clarify to such a point that i won't even talk ( i hope ). i'll just BE

now that's clarity. something i strive to have. but i can't have clarity when so many things in this world make NO sense whatsoever.

like why would people be mean to ME? why ME? i a so NICE and so FAIR! even with this typing thing i can't totally be clear. it's so damn frustrating! no amount of words can explain it, when it comes down to it.
and that's what i love about being in a long term relationship. you've already got all your stories out of the way. and then u can just watch cartoons in the bedroom and go "south park kicks ass :)

that's all i really want. i just want to lay next to my mate and drink beer and watch hilarious television without saying much. that's heaven :) ( even tho he falls asleep right away and then switch the channel to some psychological sexual movie :)

ok, i'll end it here 'cause i have to go 2 the bathroom :)

9:34p i can't go FULLY into right now..i have more 2 say on this later....but the post 2 posts down from this i made...about the salon.com article...
that no one seems to get my point, which makes me feel VERY "alone" and that we have SO much 2 go on this planet before we can heal as a collective.
but i wasn't
i wasn't saying censor his songs or that he has no right to write them.
i just find it very disturbing that people LIKE his songs, and that people think it's FUNNY. i don't think that rapper is joking. it's very scary.
and a lot of people backed UP his way of thinking..and BOUGHT it, and he is on mtv a lot. it shows how deeply mysogynistic we, as a culture are. as a WORLD are.
i wasn't arguing if RAP is music or not. i happen to like some rap.
i think it's a very exciting new music.

i just find it scary think it's funny. it's NOT funny. at all.
and i'll go into this subject in more detail later because i have a lot 2 say about it right now..but i need more time to let the words "cook" until i can say them.

Thursday, June 8th, 2000

9:57a on past boyfriends:

i just go , oh god not YOU TOO! because i don't want 2 give up hope on men altogether
but so far they just hook me in on their very loving way at first...then really screw with my mind and heart
and it's just too much to bear for me...i can't give up hope on them, because he was my last hope!
i know that sounds so dire...and so many men say, " i would never treat u that way"
especially when i tell them of my past abusive relationships and they are THERE for me totally nodding in disbelief that anyone could treat me so badly...
and then...they do it too! it makes NO SENSE!!!
i mean, i can't even understand why people i DON'T know would be so mean to me...that when it's someone i LOVE and they are LIVING with me and can totally can see the effects of their abuse but STILL don't STOP it...

it makes me crazy.
it's like if your mom said to u, "u know what..for all these years i have pretended to care about u...but i don't...that was all just a facade mind fuck..and guess what...now i am going to point a gun at u and shoot u and i will not care!"

and i don't think they see it as AS bad as physical abuse, because they are not hitting me
they say, " u know i would never hit u!"
but guys who seemed the MOST loving and caring to me have also thrown knives at me and held me up to a wall by my neck til i feared i would choke and die.
they have hit me in the stomache full force...that time that happened...i am scarred for life..i have finally recemtly come to terms with that.
and i'm NOT crazy for being scarred for life, which i thought i was
i wanted to have this closure and a forgiving moment of clarity..and all my anger and fear would dissipate...like i hear some people can do
and i kept hoping and praying that i could just i would have one of these moments of clarity and forgiveness and i would be able to heal from my past and just "let it go"
but i think the reason i cannot let it go is because it keeps happening to me!
over and over and over....

i go outside and people just yell and scream at me and stick out their big hard penises at me...
and i try to just go, "well, they are really fuct up and in a lot of pain..that's why they are behaving so horribly...and i see it from their standpoint , and then i want to SHOW them that they are reacting insanely and violently because of their own repressed anger...because i want to heal them...because in healing THEM, i also heal myself...because i can go, ok love DID work in the end, and wow, i DO see that i have changed a violent man into a kind one...so i won't lose hope that the world is fuct. because i was taught in my family the whole christian thing and that love WILL conquer all in the end

i think this all started, i finally realized a few years ago, that it was because of my brother and the way my parents dealt with him...which was to keep "working on him" with love and that in the end they can change him because it is so nonsensical to THEM that someone they loved would be so mean...and they refused to see the abuse i was getting from my brother...because my brother was SO good at hiding it and being SO passive aggressive...he would hurt me so silently and so meticulously....it was evil

and only NOW did they FINALLY have some sort of inkling that it really WAS abuse and not just a "normal brother sister having a fight thing"
and i had wondered for so long why i put up with so much abuse from my past boyfriend's. my mom saw in my behaviour that i was reacting to things as if i had been sexually molested ( my brother never sexually molested me...just so u know )
and she would wonder how i got so fuct up...she thought maybe i was blocking out some weird trauma that i didn't remember

and then i'm like oh DUH, my parents stick by my brother and they keep loving him NO MATTER WHAT, they keep thinking if they loved him enough he would change. i mean, my brother got so abusive to my dad after i left the house and after my mom left the house...that he actually would put a chair under his bedroom door because he was scared that my brother would come in and kill him!

and STILL my parents love him and do not give up hope on him. and on saturday jason and i are going to pick my brother up from the bus depot then we are going to drive together up to my dad's for my dad's for his 60th birthday

i haven't seen him in maybe 7 years or something...because i hated him SO much and he violated my personal space so intensely...going into my room and destroying my things....

i do not trust him. i still don't. but the last few times i did see him over the years he really DID seem to finally realize what a horrible person he was to me, and seems to try to show me by sending me cards for my birthday..as if THAT will fix it

and my parents all the time going, " u know...u should call your brother...he really would appreciate it if u called him "

and i'm like ARE U INSANE? they just don't GET it as to why i do not call him

he STILL goes up and stays with my mom then totally stresses her out with his abuse
but she can't give up on him, because that, to her, would mean she is an uncaring parent
and my dad being so christian, he doesn't give up either

and now, when i see him on saturday...even tho i can see that maybe he has changed...i don't trust it

why would i trust my brother for being so abusive to me for 18 years?
but then, when i left the house and then his abuse shifted to my parents..and they were like OH! he IS scary!
but STILL they stick by him and send him money to survive and try to love him
because they are good christian parents

and i'm like WHY do u keep trying to have a "relationship" with him when as u can see...he is incapable of having one?

but then what do i do? i did stick by my boyfriends who were being abusive and then my parents wonder why?

and even when they find out about the abuse later...they have never fully acknowledged my pain i have gone through
because they can't acknowedge their own pain and their own embarrassment of taking it from my brother

i mean, my dad being a minister in a very small rural town...and here's my brother rolling around in neighbours driveways almost getting killed. and my brother is the ONLY black person living in this town, and he is living out the black stereotype being the person getting drunk
and my dad is the minister! so my dad HAS to exemplify the christian ideal...which he DOES do from his HEART

and how can i tell my parents that..guess what.. your entire foundation of what u have based your life around is NOT WORKING. love ISN'T enough to make a person change?

the thought of it would destroy their very foundation...their relationship with GOD!

and even my dad was very verbally mean to my mom, i found out later...one reason they got divorced
but i never SAW it, it was so well hidden that today i STILL can't imagine my dad EVER being mean
he is the personification of jesus! he is so gentle and sensitive! he even looked just like jesus when he was younger...he had longer hair and a beard..and when he wore the white robe...
even *i* cannot separate jesus from my dad..they are one and the same to me...because he looked EXACTLY like jesus and acted like him!
and if i can't distinguish the difference, how could a parish?
when my mom left him, people just hated her SO much..because not only did she leave JESUS but she left behind her kids too!
( and we visited her on the weekends )
so she is still dealing with THAT scar, trying to prove she is a good mom.
and she STILL doesn't believe it! she is always thinking she is a bad mother, and would say to me all the time..and still does!
so i am always trying to tell her that she IS a good mom

but then, i realized finally that i knew what she meant...she WAS a bad mom is some respects...
and so was my dad...

as i went through my pain in highschool my parents thought there was something wrong with ME, and took me to drug counseling! and i had never even done a single drug in my life!
and i ended up quitting high school 3 months before i would have graduated because it was so abusive

anyway..they WEREN'T there for me during a time of intense confusion and betrayal
i was brought up in the christian dr. seuss, i'm ok you're ok world
and when i decided to bloom and show my creativity for the way i dressed i was SO confused at people's violent reaction
it was my first "loss of innocence"
and when my parents blocked it out...i was given no support at all. that was the beginning of my panic attacks

i feel i have no support and that the rug could be pulled out from under my feet at any moment
and it continued to be pulled over and over by all the people i loved
so i felt more and more confused daily and more and more stuff kept getting pulled

i wasn't TAUGHT that it's OK to leave an abusive situation
i am supposed to love and care and turn the other cheek and that if i give up i am cynical and bad
even when my parents could see i was in an abusive situation, they refused to see it and take action

because they can't see it and take action to stop it in their own lives?

and i can't write any of this out to anyone because to do so would cause other people to be embarrassed by their mistakes
i can't write about my mom, i can't write about my dad, i couldn't write about my boyfriends
i had to hide it for THEIR sake

so i end up having to be so careful and docile about that...and i am so HURT and so ANGRY, but i couldn't talk about it...because to do so would cause them to get even MORE mad...and this was in my HOME where i should feel protected and supported! but i was made to feel that I'm bad, cynical, and crazy and not KIND...and i don't ever want to be unkind for that would mean i am turning into THEM

my god...as i write about it i keep seeing more and more connections to why i am the way i am and how hypocrital people are
and i am made to feel that I am crazy and bad and not well adjusted and people scorn at me for not being able to go into the world and be strong and COPE.
i have no "coping skills" as my mom puts its it. which i see now is just her working though her own bullshit with kind men on the outside but mean acting in private. i mean my DAD was mean to her, and her new husband is mean to her in SUCH subtle ways that it can hardly be detected...but that is the worst kind of abuse....
her new husband is also a minister and is now a professor of theology at a very respected college
he is also very very kind and sensitive and loving and LOGICAL...and i can see that he IS a better husband to my mom because he is affectionate
and he does treat her like a queen in the way she deserves

but he also is very mysogynist and believes and support a religion that doesn't allow women to be ministers...because they for SOME reason aren't being a pure "channel" to god.. and maybe men are so jealous of ( huge generalization ) that women are perhaps MORE "in tune" with god so they "banned" women from being ministers because they were so jealous and didn't understand why women are just. perhaps genitically..i don't know...close to god by default?
i don't know...

and just by saying "i don't know..." is my strength and my "weakness" in all matters. it makes me open to all possibilities but also keeps me from saying " i DO know...and u are FUCT!"

i keep seeing things from their perspective i think, because i have to try to understand so intensely what men are "going through" in order to understand WHY they are so fucking MEAN?

i mean, i have a friggin P.H.D into the psychology of men because i have tried to understand why they behave so horribly

i mean...the guy breaking into my house and trying to rape me...did so much damage to my feeling of any sort of safety
because it's not like "oh, if i wear a slinky outfit and go into a bad neighbourhood i will get raped"
and even THAT is a horrible thing to me...that a woman is just "asking for it" just because men cannot control their own WEIRD impulses of wanting to dominate any women who is sexy. do they fear it because they do not understand it so they must control it and INJECT women with the sperm as some sort of territorial mark?

i mean...that in itself would make me write a book in "why why why?"

but if i DID that, it means i am a "radical feminist" which means that i am not capable of logic because i'm "hysterical" which is a funny word since the root word of that is "womb" ---hyster
but i can't even point out that even THAT is fuct. i am supposed to just "take it" because to mean otherwise would mean that i am being "overly emotional" and that's BAD to get angry because then i am not logical and forgiving and not able to see "it" from all angles. then i am then a "femi-nazi" and i would be driving away 1/2 of the human populace..and that' s not good because then i am then i have no "coping skills" and i'm being irrational and then i'm being like "them" meaning men

i when i say this...i am not saying ALL men...and i say that only in HOPING that i am open to the possibility that there could maybe perhaps ONE man out there who would i would unfairly judge and that my actions of judging would hurt them in the way i have been hurt. but to keep open like this...for that possibilty...is both strength and my weakness. because i have the guts to remain open and vulnerable to all men, yet...not one man has EVER proven to me that they are the "one sensitive guy who GETS it and would never harm me" no matter how much they talk the talk but can't walk the walk.

so i remain open their pain...and i am an open target regardless of the fact that i keep getting shot at over and over

maybe that is why i am so obesssed with documenting...because i need to have PROOF that this indeed IS happening to me.and that i'm not just being irrational. close minded...and worst of all..crazy

i mean, look at how many people think i'm crazy? and even when i brought up my horror at that rap guys utter violence...then people said, " who are u to judge? u are naked on the internet!" and then it deteriorated into a talk about whether or not rap was a viable art form. and women who so eager to jump on the bandwagon , too...to show how openminded they are. "
now if a WOMAN shows how angry she is at men...then she is a feminazi and she's crazy
but if a GUY does it then that' s ok...and it is raved by critics and he's given a grammy for being so honest and telling it like it is
but if a woman does it...it's not marketable...and she is shut right up and not even allowed the decency of having her pain validated and real....
and she is stuck over into the "hysterical women's section" of the music rack.
so even TORI AMOS won't say she is a feminist because she doesn't want to seem unfair to men!
but being a feminist doesn't mean u are hating masculinity..it means that u are ALSO pro feminism...but we aren't allowed to revel in our feminism and celebrate it because to do so would be to put men down as not being important to?? where does it say that?
and if we revel in our sexuality we are whores and if we don't we are repressed?
i am not insane. i am not asking to be hurt because i "shine" with joy
and if i don't shine with joy then i am not coping correctly

i am glad i have found the internet where i can shine with joy to people and not be physically harmed by anyone

but still, my job ENDANGERS my life?? can u believe a camgirls job is one of the most dangerous jobs ever? i can't even disclose my whereabouts! it has to be remained hidden or else if i give out that information, well, i was just plain asking for it...how could i be that stupid?

and just celebrities in general or just asking for it because they chose that way of life....
what on earth???

so.. back tracking...i have learned that i cannot be safe in my own home, wearing baggy clothes, living in a good area of town, with my mother, just living my life working at a donut shop. i was recording on my 4 track and the door rang at 10pm and then like the shining..some guy i didn't even know came busting through my door like in the movie "the shining" the locks held...he literally busted THROUGH the door and put a knife to my throat and said, " all i want is u, little girl"

and i have never felt such HATE...i cannot even describe it. it cannot be put into words. i just knew he hated me and wanted to obliterate me in every way possible.
and why? i didn't even know him!
and this happens every day every 6 seconds a woman is raped...and that' s only the women who REPORT it!

plus i am not allowed to travel alone anywhere on the earth or i am asking for it. in 1/2 of the earth if i go there i could be kidnapped and sold into slavery for REAL. and then i was just being stupid
and get this...i am not even allowed to go out at NIGHT because THEN i'm just asking for it and being stupid.
i don't know the pleasure of looking up at the moon and feeling the air on my naked skin...or just the night in general in any level...i have to QUICKLY run home as soon as it gets dark out to make sure i am not an open target. because at night it is a warzone

and guys are like, " well, i know fear! i was once mugged!"
believe me, if being mugged was the WORST that could happen to me...i would go out at night

i can handle someone knocking me on the head and taking my money...maybe because it has been done already to me in my own home by those i loved and trusted

*I* fear that some guy will shove an umbrella up my vagina and impale me!
and i'm not crazy. this is my reality

then i get down on myself because i think i must "create my own reality" i must be somehow drawing this energy to me as some sort of lesson or something.
and then i feel weak. i go "why did i ask for this??" why am i creating this reality around me?
i must somehow have a victim mentality. i am weak. i am at fault. i am emanating "bad vibes" and it's drawing the evil out of people

if only if could be spiritually stronger!
and don't rely on drugs either because that means u are weak and crazy!

even on the "secret camgirl bbs" there went down there the other day..such an evil vile thing...that i'm not able to make public because it's " a secret bbs"
a vile camgirl threatened to attack poor isabella from isabellacam.com and i was the ONLY one who stood up for her. all the other camgirls cowered because they didn't want to seem unfair or crazy or overly emotional. and they even said I was irrational and i was sounding just as crazy as this vile woman who threatened to attack..and hates americans and call black people "coloured"
but did she get kicked out? no. so isabella took a stand and decided to leave that bbs. and i decided to stick by her and back her up, so i left, too
and what did people say to that? they..even WOMEN...would not fight for the cause and said it was irrational and a shame that we both left and didn't try to "work things out"

i am working on cutting and pasting that whole thread so i can document the evilness on so many levels. so i can have PROOF that it really did happen and that i am not crazy

and all these camgirls tried to gloss it over and change the subject...like ***...who even apologized the other day for "rambling" a tiny paragraph
because she is so scared of seeming irrational
it is so sad.

and i NEED to talk about this. i NEED to show it and say LOOK! but i CAN'T . everything is a secret.

and my mom and dad keep me a secret because i am an embarrassment to them...and it would make then look bad if they associated themselves with me in front of their peers. the will not even stand by my side.
and my mom wants to join this orthodox religion that sees women as lesser people ( back tracking again ...god, i have been writing this for HOURS and now it's 7am )
and i tried to bring this fact up to her and she said "oh shush shush" as if i was being really irrational
and really it is her fear that if she realizes this...she will be shut out from the church of GOD...and that is her only way "IN" to GOD

and her husband is her shield from evil. and he is her protector. and she plays into that. but she NEEDS protecting!
but she has gone to far into her "protective world' that she doesn't get to own her "experiences"

and i think one thing that i know for sure is that when she was young, her friends and she were playing around with a ouiji board and it started to spell out her name saying "i want (her name ) i want (her name)" over and over
and she was understandably freaked and i think then that she killed her very psychic gypsy side and started saying stuff like " there are things god is protecting us from. there are places we should not go. there are things we should not experience"

and i can understand her then running into an orthodox religion to make SURE she was protected. maybe that' s even why she married ministers.
they were her protective shields against evil and they could filter the evil out for her.

and her relationship with her husband reflects that. he deals with all the evil.
he is even writing a book/thesis now about how we are living in hell RIGHT NOW..and his book is called "the hidden god"
why does god hide from us? he says, why is he so hidden? why does he allow bad things to happen? etc.
surely this must be hell.

and then we get into the core belief that the woman got us ALL in trouble by eating the apple from the devil. we shouldn't have "gone there" we should have not wanted to know about that and just trusted god to be our shield and there were things WE should not know for our own good.
so now because if this one woman who wanted to know and understand ALL sides ...we have a world pillaged by war, rape, torture and satan.
does that make ANY sense???
that is the most nonsensical thing ever.

but it was the start of blaming women for everything. why are men in hell? because one woman thousands of years ago ate an apple, and now men have had to deal with the consequences ever since. and there are millions of people out there who think this is a REAL story! that this actually happened for real!!!

and the other people just say "well it's just an allegory" it's just a symbol. and i'm like SYMBOL for What????

i think i've been typing this for about 4 hours now and i'm running out of steam and i still haven't said the 1/2 of it.
like my brother has fetal alcohol syndrome and he is the epitome of repressed. i mean motor cycle gangs try to run him over when he leaves the house!
and my parents should be to blame because they brought a motherless and fatherless black person into a white community...what did they expect??
that is so fuct.
so right now my brother and i are both on the same ground...staying inside for our safety
and he has never had a girlfriend because to date a white women down there is asking to be killed, if u are black

anyway.. i can't say any of this. and this is the stuff that is most important

i am the only one strong enough in the family to say "look!"
and because i am, i am an embarrassment they must hide

and then my mom wonders why we are "estranged" ...gee, i dunno mom, could it because u hate everything i do, and everything i am and everything i believe in?? repress repress repress hide hide hide

so it's strange, after saying all of this to u, i AM really loving my cam . i feel creatively fulfilled. i am starting to be able to speak my mind about things.
i am more sure of myself. i have a great apartment. i felt very safe here until i started to try to make friends with some of the men neighbours and they now scare the shit out of me so much so that i have to mentally prepare myself for hours just to go down and get the mail

its just crazy. and it's hard to see a way out..because there is no OUT...it' s everywhere
there's nothing i can do say be live that doesn't involve jeapordizing my safety
and i'm crazy and irrational?

even when i started to see a shrink because my boyfriend was hitting me...which is fuct even and of itself.
so.. i saw this shrink..and then i got cris, my abusive boyfriend to go with me...
and we sat and worked on ways that i wouldn't get hit..which basically what i learned from this professional that i should stay quiet and go into a separate room until he cooled off. hide hide hide cower cower cower

what he SHOULD have said is get away fron this man! he is psychotic and harmful!
but no...if i just remain really docile and don't PROVOKE him we can work this out and live in harmony.

it's the friggin dark ages. and i've even been told that the "women's movement" was already over and done with in the seventies.
oh thanks for letting me know...now i can move on....

and i haven't even talked about my experience with the record label! wow.
well, as u can see...so much...

even the band LIVE are mysogynist assholes, and they are supposed to be the "spiritual band"
really thinking caring sensitive guys

but no, what do they do when recording their record? they watch porn and make lude and horrible comments at it while their girlfriends cowered in the corner.
man, this goes so deep.

and the president of my record label was mentally abusing me, and he is seriously crazy. and i would say this to my manager and he would take that with a grain of salt. he didn't believe me that the guy was CRAZY until his lawyer told him.
and even he could see i was being sexually assaulted by them as they demanded i take my shirt off because that was their new marketing ploy
now that i was a sex object because of my cam.

they weren't even going to release my record because i had gotten a breast job, so that made me unmarketable, because i was not an androgynous anorexic looking freak any more, now i was "just another blonde that looks like a stripper"
i can't even be taken seriously as an artist because i have fake breasts now.

and bobby z, my manager, told me to "please just take off my shirt for this show..because it's so important..all the record executives are coming in to judge whether or not u can make them any money or not...just take off your shirt..do it for ME" because he wanted to just get "us" through this horrible abusive show so then i could get past them and "make it"
what about my SOUL???

even he was like " well , now u can't take your shirt off anymore 'cause your boobs are too big" and i'm like WHY NOT???
and so i showed him i COULD still do it. like duh.

do u know what it's like to NEVER be able to take off your shirt EVER? no matter how hot it is outside? because if i DID i would incite a RIOT and i would be arrested??? what on EARTH???? and i WOULD go outside nad take off my shirt and make a stand on that. but to do so, i would then have a criminal record, and i wouldn't be allowed a passport to go into other countries. can u BELIEVE this???
i am QUARANTEENED daily..hourly...every second

my god.
LOL :) MY god. i don't even GET one.

when i was in school and i tried my hand at being a cheerleader...i tried to change the school song so we didn't sing " boys" we said "team" and i was gunned down 'cause that was a TRADITION.
wow, even am even trying 2 remember the school song now... and it's so fuct up!
" shout the name that gains the fame! no one but the ponies! fight together with a roar that wins our boys to score! score scrore score!
hand in hand together stand defiant to beat our foe! fight ! team! win win win! stil-h2o!!!"

h2o standing for water...because we were from still water. how clever.

now jason is up and cramming for a three hour interview he has at noon

fight team! win win win!

i know the boys have it tough, too....that' s why they are out there shooting everyone in their high school
but notice u never see a woman going on a shooting spree?

and people were saying i had no right to get mad about that rapper, because i liked courtney love!
where does she EVER say ANY lyrics EVER about killing and raping men???
how is she equal to that sort of evil? or any sort of evil at all???

so she is sexual and plays songs without wearing underwear and she SURVIVED her husband and father to her child killing himself?
that makes her a bitch because she didn't opt to die and went on and LIVED and became "successful"???
well, how evil of her for living and moving on and not just crumpling in a heap and going into hiding her head for the rest of her life.
how DARE she OUTSHINE her kind kind sensitive husband
well, she MUST have murdered him! because how dare she decide to live and thrive after that
obviously she is so crazy and demented she must have KILLED him
because, she doesn't wear underwear! ???
because she is a sexual person?? what???

and nothing she says is taken seriously because she is overly emotional and obviously demented because she liked sex and took drugs???

and she witnessed women getting raped and beaten by korn. and she told a reporter. and i took what she wrote and sent that to the 5,000 people on my mailing list. did anyone say a peep about that?
no...u know what kind of response i got back from that? i got back that everyone hates courtney. that's it.

even hillary clinton "takes it" and feels she has to support her husband after he cheated on her.
and SHE is seen as some horrible bitch. why???

and the poor woman that gave clinton head. clinton moves on and is still a "powerful" man and that poor woman is a JOKE. she never be able to have a boyfriend or husband without hearing that "cigar joke" told at her for the rest of her life. because she ASKED to be humiliated for the rest of her life.

and then there's yoko....

all of it...courtney and yoko...they would never be successful if there husbands hadn't died. they must be LIVING off of their husband's death.

so there u have it.

4:00a well, i have a LOT i wish 2 respond 2 from my last entry...but i need 2 recharge and regroup my thougts 1st. thank u so much everyone for all your healing input :) i'm so glad that the positive posts outnumbered the utterly negative ones! tomorrow i'm going 2 my dad's for his 60th birthday and i'll be back sunday night! i will bring my cam with wite in this journal from my laptop when i'm there :)

11:18a i've decided not 2 bring the cam with 2 my dad's, since there is nothing i can show there anyway, so it would probably just end up taking pictures of an empty room and i don't want 2 stress anyone out, and i don't want to be stressed trying 2 unstress them. so, i'll be back sunday night :).

Sunday, June 11th, 2000

3:53p ok, i'm home :) i am sooooooooooooo happy to b home i cannot even tell u! aaaaaaa :))))) it's was excritiatiing being at my dad's 'cause as soon as i got there i realized i had NO desire to utter one single word. just to breathe in enough air to say " thanks i'm fine, i'm just really tired" was like biking up a mountain. my brain desparately needed to think about NOTHING but watching tv all snuggled up. after all the recent posts, i am completely on empty...yet not in a bad way. like, in a way that my brain was just so GONE. it was wonderful to not think about anything at all. it would have been heaven just to watch tv and snuggle in blankets and not talk. but i had to talk or my dad would think something was very wrong with me or something, and it was his birthday and he was grilling steaks and was so happy. and i had absolutely NO appetite at all. the hours ticked by as if they were days. and our conversation dwindled into forced small talk. oh god, it was awful and i felt like such a freak and like i was ruining his birthday. i am just so damn glad 2 be home. i will now go and watch tv until i have completely recharged. that's all i can type for now!

9:24p well, anacam has been down for a few hours. erk. i hope it gets fixed soon! but i'm not doing anything interesting right now anyway. and my mind is not thinking as fast and as much as usual. thank GOD for that! :) i'm laying in bed and watching tv. that's it. i cannot think one more thought for a few days at least! :)

9:27p but actually cam2 is still refreshing and fine...because that's on my laptop, and that's on a different isp

Monday, June 12th, 2000

Time Event
9:20a i woke up 4 a sec, but i think i'll go back 2 bed soon. i still can't get into anacam. is anyone else having this problem?
(3 Comments | Comment on this)
9:48a it's a nice grey day today which, oddly, makes me very happy. usually grey days make me so tired i cannot move. but i am ALREADY so tired i cannot move, so it all matches now and i don't have to feel guilty for not going out and enjoying the weather. but i do have 2 get 2 the bank and get some international money orders for some japansese chin figurines i bought on ebay.
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9:49a yay! i can get in again!!! :) woo hoo :) now i can read the bbs :))))
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10:24a funny things people have put into search engines and found me:

what+is+main+board+do+i+have
when i come around
what do i want to do
what to do when
im 7 racing
what i want
santa ana + web cam
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11:04a i'm cleaning the house a bit and sorting through stuff so i can go 2 the bank soon. i am totally out of all my medications so i had my doctor call them in. yay! yesterday jason bought my the "all is full of love" bjork dvd :) i can't wait 2 see it! it has the video in it and 3 remixes of that song :) god, i love her :)
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2:30p overload.
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8:56p woa. i just totally confronted both my and my dad about EVERYTHING today. i got through 2 my dad. my mom still thinks i lack "coping skills" . it was a crux of a day. between life and death. success and failure. jason got a new job! it hasn't really sunk in for him yet. i am so proud of him :) more alter :) *whew*
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9:59p i can't express what a totally bizarre fuct up...painfully bad, brutally honest, crazy crazy CRAZY day it's been! it will take me awhile 2 digest what the day was. 1st thing...i finally broke down and started sobbing about how fuct up my family is...and i am just now realizing this. i can't go into the details...no energy i also want 2 say that my family KICKS ASS...except for my mom who is,to me, living in a state of denial. can't go there yet. too much . overload. i have yet 2 get caught up reading all the new posts in here jacqui...i just wanted 2 express 2 u what a totally mazing woman u are! u inspire me so deeply...which is why u never get an email from me. and i can't find your email address again! aaa! god...so much i want 2 tell u but never find the energy 2 do so! aaaa! too much i want 2 express so much! brain overload. where do i start? this is all i can type right now i am so exhausted but i think i've made some break throughs today. at least to my dad. woaaaaaaaaa. so MUCH! u all kick ass! i will try 2 explain 2 u what kind of day i had later. i wish i could have had the sound on so u could see my emotional turmoil! i have gotte so much beautiful email from the last massage i sent 2 my list. it will take me awhile 2 digest it and reply brain spliting open. energy releasing. must digest and deflect

4:07p wow. my eyes REALLY hurt today from all the crying i did yesterday. they are burning and totally red. i need to go get some visine but i reeeeeeeaaaaaallllyyyy son't want 2 go outside and get it. but i will, because my eyes hurt too much. i feel exhausted from yesterday but it feels like a mostly positive kind of exhaustion because i am now closer to my dad and closer with jason. but i am now farher apart from my mother...but i am proud that i said the things to her i needed to say in order for their to be in any continuation of our relationship. i've done all i can now, and the ball is in her court. i will proabably write her a few more emails, tho. i don't know. if i didn't get through to her yesterday...i might not ever get through.

4:26a i'm still recovering. i felt good today. a happy kind of tired. i watched movies today..."very bad things" ( very creepy movie!!! ) , " enemy mine" and , "when dreams may come". that's all i can type for now...more later...still sifting through my thoughts. what have u been up 2? :)

4:33a this made me sad in jennifer's journal:
"that instantly brought to mind southern California, but living there would most likely make me want to either kill myself or open fire on any gathering of people where at least 50% of the individuals in the group have blonde hair or silicone enhancements. "

http://www.jennicam.org/~jenni/journal/0609.html

i wrote 2 her about it, and she replied, but i haven't had the energy 2 write her back about it yet

4:42a something i just posted in the new camgirlgallery.com bbs:

Camgirl Gallery BBS

Re: Webcam Future?

Posted By: ANA
Date: Wednesday, 14 June 2000, at 1:59 a.m.

In Response To: Webcam Future? (mwrong)

pet rocks!!! :))) i LOVE those!!
actually i do collect rocks, i always have. i love 2 scavenge for good ones. my fave kind of rock is the apache tear. it is black but u can faintly see light through it.
a nice paradox of light and dark :)
that has always been my fave stone. my mom introduced me to it because she would hand me one during church to hold and told me it was a "calming down stone" an indeed i still use it for that purpose today :)

i think someday people of the media will declare the webcam as archaic, and streaming with audio will be as commonplace as the telephone.

but just as email becomes more commonplace than snail mail...nothing can take the place of the art of letter writing with fine ink pens and beautiful stationary.

and just as photos didn't stop people from wanting their portraits painted. and just as photos don't take the place of movies...i think webcams will always stay for the people that choose to communicate with that medium and the people who enjoy watching that medium unfold.

having played with streaming with sound now, it has made me appreciate more my 30 second refresh cam because i like that i can surprise someone with the next shot as i quickly get ready for each new shot. u can't really surprise anyone with streaming since they can see every action.

i enjoy the wait till the next picture. i find it amusing and calming. and i like how it makes me focus for 30 seconds on one thing since my brain is always thinking about too many things all at once..i like to be slowed down. then i move to the next 30 seconds.it's almost like a meditation. actually, i think i would prefer a one minute or two minute refresh on my cam more to give me more time to compose each shot.

but i love fiddlong with streaming with sound , too. i love to have all options at my disposal.

i think , in the future, the tv, the radio, the computer, and the telephone will merge into one appliance...and then people will just set their preferences on how they want it.

the future will just have more and more options.
nothing will ever take the place of another. and people still seek to make photographs from old cameras. people will still paint. we will just be able to buy more paintings and old cameras on the internet :) more and more options :)

4:55a funny thing someone put in a search engine and found anacam: "what do i want to look at"