anagram 053101
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[22 May 2001|03:00pm]
i was up until 7:30am this morning trying to figure out more about tables
and how to edit a style in livejournal. i am getting somewhat more successful
at it. but damn does it take me FOREVER to figure this stuff out by trial
and error!
now it's so cold, rainy, very windy, and grey that i have my electric oven on for heat and have had it on all night, and also wore a small coat ( because it was right there and i was too tired to get a sweater) to bed!
i neeeeeeeeed the sun and i neeeeeeeeed some coffee!
[23 May 2001|12:56pm]
did anyone see the ending of nypd blue? my mom wants 2 know what happened!
3 comments|post comment
[23 May 2001|02:30pm]
i hate it when i really need to type in here what i'm feeling and what's going
on but i can't because i would not be honouring other people's privacy. so
much so much so much. i need to talk about it. i feel so frustrated. argh.
it's the 4th day of rain here. or something like that, i've lost track...
i gotta get the puffin munchers and the muffin punchers some chow. but until then i gave them brie, spinach, eggs and rice for breakfast :)
i'm up early than usual. watching fluffy tv crap because my dreams were so rotten. want to get them out of my mind. i've been having lots of especially rotten dreams lately. the usual.
my hair's a big 'ol mess. i think i might put some yellow manic panic in it, to make it more orange and full of Zest :)
man, you'd think it was gearing for night instead of day around here. i think
the clouds are in my aprtment. i wonder what this day will bring. i don't
want it to be like yesterday where it just went by and that was it.
my fault. and the rain's. i'm as plant, i need sun. my movements are dependent
upon solar power. i wish it was not this way because it's inconvenient.
about starting a new journal under a pseudonym to write out all i want to say while not pissing people off...i have thought about it...but it just doesn't interest me. i have enough to deal with without juggling other secret journals under other personas and hoping not to slip up. and that's not really my style to do it like that. i just like to be me, and put it all in one place.
jason and i were talking about this kind of journal last night, and i was surprised to find out that he thought that there were things that i actually DIDN'T want to write about in my journal as i was surprised to find out he thought that.
if i COULD i absolutely would write about everything, no holds barred.
why hide anything? i have nothing tio hide. we all go through stuff that's
embarrassing , difficult and confusing. and i think that if i could write
about it here, it would not only help me, but it would help others to realize
they are not alone.
i have been comforted by autobiographies in this way. they are my favourite
thing to read! i love stories, the stories of all our lives and the strange
twists and turns they go through.
the world has enough secrets. i want to open all the boxes and let them out.
ok, maybe not all of them, but definitely mine. or i should say i want to
let go of the secrets of others that are within me, have become a part of
my life and history. secrets that have touched me deeply and transformed me
into what i am at this minute. since secrets are usually some of the most
interesting things and most powerful things that shape my life, not being
able to talk openly about them sucks because i love to share my stories. i
think they are interesting, funny, sad, twisted damn good stories.
and a good story has the ability to transport and transcend, i think...bringing
us all closer through understanding.
10 comments|post comment
a story. chapter 287468237464t5347534654375693456 [24 May 2001|07:30pm]
(it's not the guy who sent me the picture who "inspired" this text...it
was my friend's reaction to my reaction to that that inspired me.)
..................
RHETORICAL
QUESTIONS:
so when i am on my bed nude making pictures that are sexy do u think it seems
perfectly natural and totally fine as far as etiquette goes, etc that a man
that i don't know should send me an picture of his erect penis? i just want
to understand if i should not be perturbed if a guy sends me a picture of
his erect penis do i have no right to be like "whatthefuck?" just
a little bit?
i am not so much upset about guys sending me pix of their dick as i am about
how lots of people think this is an OK and appropriate response to what i
do with my cam when i am nude. if i were even at a nude beach and i was nude
and some guy came up to me specifically to say, " hey, look! u made me
hard!" wouldn't that be a BIT inappropriate? like hey dude, u have every
right to your feelings and your thoughts and if i give u a boner then good
for u!but is it NECESARRY to "share" that with me? so what? what's
the purpose? most guys penises get hard if the wind blows on them. does he
walk around with pictures of his erect penis giving them out to every thing
that made him hard? "HI! LOOK YOU MADE ME HARD!" isn't that just
a BIT "socially challenged"?
so many people think that this is an appropriate thing to do with me. like
if i'm nude..they want to "share" their nudity with me. but did
u see me with it all spread out and wet with a caption that said, " hey
u! DUDE! YOU in particular made me wet please let me know if this gets u hard
'cause i would enjoy that!"??? AM i at ALL giving that signal out? i
am NOT an exhibitionist. i don't CARE about your boner. the only boner i care
about is my boyfriends. if HE wants to walk up to me with his hard on...he
is more than welcome to. know why? because i TOLD him that i would like from
him. see the difference? when i am nude on cam i am NOT trying to seduce anyone...even
if i am making cool sexy pictures...i do not mean that this is a signal to
now send me a picture of your erect penis. i am a PHOTOGRAPHER, i happen to
do it LIVE. i happen to be expressing MY sexuality live...i'm like a cat purring
in the sun. i do it for ME because it is a part of me. you are totally free
to be grossed out by that or turned on by that or indifferent to that. and
if u have the urge to tell me about how u reacted when u saw me make that
picture...keep it to to yourself...or write to me politely just saying that
u liked that picture and thank u.
maybe because most men love pictures of sexual organs and are so turned on
by them they think that it is logical that i would like that too. because
of COURSE my nudity means that i am trying to turn them on so they want to
return the favor. like a housecat bringing in a dead mouse for it's owner
as a present thinking that the owner would love that cause the cat loves it.
but NO, i am not u. i am not turned on simply by a picture of an erect penis.
no offense to penises...i am just not turned on or even happy to see a picture
ofan erect penis usually, unless perhaps done in an artistic humourous way.
i mean DAMN, let your personality SHINE guys. i KNOW your dick can get hard.
next. i WOULD like to know something about u that is deeper than that. like
WHY do u do it? what is going through your mind? do u SERIOUSLY think that
u are doing me a favour? or is it a passive aggressive way to make me feel
icked out? are u REALLY trying to reach out and communicate to me by sending
me a picture of your erect penis? did u put a lot of thought into that? do
u think i am going to masturbate to a picture of your penis? seriously? what?
whenever i have seen an erect penis by an anonymous person, it has always
been in the context of a creepy flasher, a person who wants to scare me with
the threat of rape. so really...i do not have good memories associated with
seeing hard penises from anonymous men.
there's no CARE or KINDNESS put into sending me pictures like that. if u cared you'd know that to do that makes me feel uncomfortable..it makes me wonder if u are a potential rapist. it makes me scared. was THAT your intention? as that really a well thought out caring kind way of trying to reach out and communicate to me?
no, it is not. i am not flattered at all by that. it makes me feel like u just don't know me, u don't want to know me, and u want to make me feel uncomfortable. duh.
ok, next question.
about that guy long ago that i showed my breast scar to and he whipped out
his big eract penis at me, despite my clear vocal protests of "NO, I
DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT"
should i expect that kind of behaviour because i am showing a "sexual
organ"? which a breast is not a sexual organ it makes milk. there are
parts on my arm and my neck that are far more sexual to me.
is that fair and square and "just how it is?" should i not "rock
the boat" by protesting this kind of behaviour? am i simply being stupid
like putting out my hand into the face of a rabid dog?
well, he didn't SEEM rabid at the time. SHOULD i assume all dogs are rabid?
that men have this "sickness" that they cannot control?
don't men want a little bit more CREDIT than that? i DO give men the credit
that they can control their actions and they can be reasonable and polite
and civil. and sometimes that DOES put me in weird situations but *I* am not
at fault for the way others behave. i am mostly an optimist who wants to believe
in the best in people. is that simply stupid and naive of me? and am i to
blame for people's actions?
should i go hide myself in a room and shut the door? why do *I* have to keep
my breasts inside just because some guy will get a boner from it. so he gets
a boner! it's not my problem! DEAL! it's YOUR body and i am NOT responsible
to take care of it for you! as madonna said " i'm not your bitch don't
hang your shit on me"
i am NOT saying that getting turned on by nudity is BAD. i am NOT saying
that for a guy to get a boner is EVIL.
yay for the body! yay for you u that your body works!
blah blah blah blah....
when a chef cooks an onion in front of you and your eyes water...do u take
a picture of your eyes watering and go "LOOK at how my eyes reacted to
your onion!" did the chef PURPOSELY cook that onion in front of you to
make YOUR specific individual eyes water? and will he be at ALL interested
in that and keep that picture and hang it on his fridge with a sense of pride?
most likely no.
most likely the purpose of cooking the onion was to get it ready to eat, not
to make your eyes water. and unless he CLEARLY said that he was cooking that
onion for YOU, you have no rights to eat it.
so maybe u are pissed at him for making your eyes water and he didn't do
anything to help u, like get u visine.
well, unless he tied u to a chair and MADE u be there, u have no right to
be angry at HIM OR THE ONION. it is simply your body and that's the way it
is.
don't go to restaurants where chefs cook onions! don't get pissed at the onion
and yell at it to do something about your watering eyes! don'y try to smash
the onion down and say "BAD ONION EVIL ONION!"
don't get your eyes NEAR onions if u do not want your eyes to water!
unfortunately to many men out there, because watering eyes cannot be used
as a weapon to harm/kill/humiliate others/ kill other people's souls...but
penises CAN and ARE used for this purpose many times each SECOND worldwide,
24/7 since the dawn of time....sending someone a picture of your erect penis
is not a good idea.
i will give men the credit to OBVIOUSLY know this is the case. because i give
men the credit to know that...when i receive a picture of a guy's erect penis...i
don't take that as a lovely gift. i take that as a threat.
am i wrong to think this way? i don't think so.
i do give u guys credit to know THIS simple thing.
when u are sending off pictures of your erect penis to people...it IS a threat,
it is NOT a compliment.
don't act all innocent with me trying to say that u just wanted to lovingly
share something beautiful with me, maaaan.
u know EXACTLY what u are doing when u do that.
if u REALLY care about me and want to connect with me u would not start off
a conversation with that. ya, try that one at a dinner party and see how far
u get, u passive aggressive asshole.
i'm sick of that little innocent act u put on after u do that.
"oh i didn't mean anything by that! i just wanted to SHARE with u , the
BEAUTY of my boner!" whatever.
so i say that women should be able to walk the streets nude without harrassment or harm. same with men...and if u get a boner while u walk FINE...just don't shove it in my face and i won't heckle u down the street about it. we all have bodies. whatever..ya...next subject.
some people think that i should just keep my shirt on and say " oh, it's too much. society is just this way. i cannot change it nor is it logical for me to try to make this world a cooler place "
and if i don't just cower and take my allotted position in this society well
then what i do is RADICAL! DANGEROUS! NOT BASED UPON ANY SORT OF SOLID FOUNDATION
OF CREDIBILITY! I MUST BE CRAZY TO NOT BE QUIET! then when a woman is not
quiet she is thrown into that "hysterical" category and easily dismissed
or thrown into that " she hates men" category and everyone can shake
their heads. no, i do NOT hate men...i DO hate when men send me pictures of
their erect penis, sexually harrass me, try to intimidate , humiliate or dismiss
or cause me physical and/or emotional harm.
it's not that hard to figure that out. it doesn't take a rocket scientist.
it doesn't take some psychologist to go
..hmmm...maybe i have been sexually abused when i was younger and now i am
DANGEROUSLY INAPPROPRIATELY ACTING OUT ON THAT.
INAPPROPRIATE?
am i crazy for being angry with that way of thinking? doesn't that way of
thinking just to to suppress this whole thing even more?
WHAT could POSSIBLY be INAPPROPRIATE about wanting to shine light on injustice
to try to make the world a better place?
isn't it just natural to just say "hey, that's not right , i want to
DO something about this"?
i am still trying to get one of my best friends to see this and my friend
does intellectually agree with most of it but my friend isn't totally sure
s/he feels very comfortable with me "acting out in a way that may be
dangerous to stop injustice". well lets say that my friend is very NOT
comfortable with that. it makes my friend worry too much about me and causes
my friend too much stress...which again is NOT my fault but it is my friend's
responsibility for her/his own stress levels, as NORMAL as it is to of COURSE
worry about someone u love who u perceive is putting themselves into potential
danger.
and i EMPATHIZE. i have not taken the easy road. this is my choice. and i
need the people that hang around me to SUPPORT that decision...not make me
feel furtherly repressed and silenced. and i certainly do not need to be made
to feel crazy or inappropriate for feeling as passionately about this as a
do.
i do not expect everyone that comes into my path to know this about me or
know that i have studied this now for over 20 years.
but i guess i DO expect that from people who i love deeply and and that we
have both assumed that we pretty much know each other by now...at least the
guts of each other. and perhaps they didn't really speak up until now because
they know i get defensive when this comes up. which i do. u can plainly see
that here. and i understand it would not be a fun picnic to speak to me about
any doubts u had about my intent, sanity, credibilty, validity, what-have-you...over
what it is that i do.
but no i am NOT open to a discussion about that because i finally know that
i AM not crazy and that my intent is good nad that my actions are based on
logic. i'm over that. i have NO desire to , once again, bring into question
my judgment about this nor my impetus for my actions.
i have thought about that now for 20 solid years. perhaps i will revisit this
again a few more years down the road. to "check in" so to speak
, with myself ( altho i check in with myself and question myself each second
)
and for someone i love to ask me AGAIN to question myself, well,it's just
damn insulting. it makes me feel like they haven't even been paying attention
to me. i thought we were over that. i thought we understood each other. i
thought you were paying attention. i thought you were capable of understanding.
i thought you were WITH me.
can't u see how questioning me NOW rips my heart into PIECES?
it makes me so so alone. it makes me feel like i was not important enough
to you for you to pay attention.
if u were just kinda sliding along, slightly bluffing your way with me as
i went forth into this hoping that u eventually figured it out along the way
then u have only cheated yourself and cheated me of a TRUTHFUL existence.
now i am confused. now you want me to explain it to you AGAIN?? i thought
u were WITH me. can u not understand why i am so UPSET about this and confused???
you're questioning the SANITY of my actions! you think there may be the possibility
that i am acting out in an unhealth=ner stemming from past sexual abuse and
harrassment and that i am UNNECESARRILY putting myself in harm's way.
unnecessary?
excuse me, but what IS the proper way to deal with the utter INSANITY and
utter CHAOS that is the war on women? what IS the PROPER way to deal with
INSANE EVIL CHAOS?
i'm not doing anythiing violent. i'm not harming anyone. i'm not running around
the streets yelling at people and flashing my breasts at passing cars with
intent to harm.
i'm in my house, doing my thing in a nonviolent way.
i don't know what u understand about me now. i don't know what to believe.
i thought u were WITH me on this. i thought u "got it" i thought
i had your support. it hurts me that u would question the core of my being
after all these years. after all my soul i have bared to you. after EVERYTHING
in me that i let u see, touch and know.
u question me. i am at a loss. i am drained. i am confused now. i am hurt.
i am angry. i feel like you led me on to believe that u understood. i feel
betrayed. and most of all i am angry with u for being angry with me for feeling
angry that you're angry.
i'm letting you be angry. i said you could be angry. i know you're angry at
me that i get angry with u when u bring up this subject. u feel like you cannot
bring it up without me being angry. you are right about that. i'm going to
be angry about it. you have a right to your anger. i have a right to mine.
what do we do about it? i don't know.
all i can say is i guess what i do and how i feel does not jell with your lifestyle at this time and place. you AREN'T "there" yet. you aren't "with" me, even tho i thought u were. maybe u have no desire to even "get there", that it's not anything you feel passionately enough about to fully understand because you want to know EVERYTHING about me because you just LOVE me so much. you have other things to think about. i can understand that. my agenda is not more important than your agenda..but then WHY did you pick ME to be your friend? it's pretty OBVIOUS that i am for the rights for women to be SAFE and FEEL safe no matter who they are, what they do for a living, what they wear or do not wear, etc.
and YES,it is TRUE that this is all tied in to when the guy busted down my door (but the locks held) at 10pm in the nice neighbourhood i lived in with my mom and sexually assaulted me and almost raped me if i hadn't been saved my divine intervention. (and i do feel that i was raped, i WAS emotionally and psychically raped because EVERYTHING that he wanted to do to me and everything he WAS going to do to me was in his mind and penetrated into every atom of my body as if he HAD done it to me already...i can't explain that anymore than that...nor will i sit here and try to explain how that was a valid rape and not any less "real" than another kind of rape. i'm not saying it's EQUAL or LESS THAN or MORE THAN any other kind of rape. i am saying that it was a rape to ME. that wouldn't hold in a court of law, but that fact doesn't invalidate MY experience.)
of course all that i do now IS correlated to ALL my experiences on this earth. it's not because of just ONE experience. it's NOT that simple.
i think that i am reacting in a very rational logical way to my circomstances and surroundings. i have the urge to evolve and not stay put. that's what we, as ,humans do. i mean,i think it's perfectly FINE to compliment a woman on how sexy she is when done very politely. i think it's perfectly fine to see a naked body and be turned on by it even though the owner of that body doesn't feel in the least bit sexual nor has any desire to be sexual. when i say nudity does not equal sex...i am not saying that nudity is not sexy. i'm saying that a person who is nude is not ALWAYS nude BECAUSE they are feeling sexual and trying to send out a signal that they'd like to fuck. it MIGHT be simply hot outside. and if u are turned on by that FINE! yay! whatever!
i'm trying to evolve artistically and spiritually and running into strange
resistance from people and i just think a man should ASK before sending a
pic of his erect penis. my site isn't about sex, altho sex IS a PART of my
site. it's about the PROCESS of my life. the thing is that ,yes, i like to
do sexual things with my cam sometimes but that doesn't mean i am inviting
anyone to have sex with me.i am not DOING it WITH them. nor am i doing it
FOR them. this seems to be a hard thing for some people to grasp. they don't
see the boundry.
my site is NOT about how we should all throw our boundries to the wind. i
am totally FOR boundries. i also am not saying that we should throw all PRIVACY
to the wind. i am totally FOR privacy.
all i am trying to say is:
here i am. i have invited you to be a guest in my house (because you HAVE
entered my house,(i have NOT entered yours...nor am i doing this on public
property) to watch my process as long as you are respectful of that.
what you get out of it is what you get it out of it. but what you get out
of it is not my responsibility.
my responsibility is to do my thing and do no harm while doing it.
and i AM interested in what you get out of it as long as when you express
it to me, you do it in a respectful nonharming way.
when members of my family/friends wonder if i am inappropriately "acting
out" and expressing my anger in an inappropriate way over some sexual
abuse in the past,i feel very sad.
i feel like they see me as some sort of fucking whacko martyr hysterical woman
that something very tragic happened to me and i am inappropriatelly acting
out on i.
well, i AM acting out on it. DUH. if it seems inappropriate to you, my opinion
is that you are living in the dark ages as far as what i am trying to do and
say is concerned.
i feel dismissed and invalidated when u say that your friend, who is a doctor,
says that my actions are even perhaps "textbook" in some psychology
books. like what i am doing is some sort of disorder. i feel like i'm living
back in the victorian times.
ah, perhaps it's just that "time of the month". give her a sedative.
give the guy who is running around with a freakin boner and shoving it into people's faces a sedative! HELLO? i am NOT the problem here. can anyone see this or am i living in some sort of twilight zone?
if that idea is "radical" well then as steve martin said,
"excuuuuuuuuuuuuse meeeeee!"
i mean just a few decades ago women couldn't vote that wasn't long ago at
all. society is still so very very archaic.
just because we see so much "feminism" in the news and on tv or
because there is an oprah show about it, doesn't mean that everything was
worked out now for every woman on this planet and that we all got our say
now and so everything is fine now.
"women's lib" wasn't some fad that happened in the 70's and now
we are all so OVER that. i was TEN years old in the 70's, do u think i had
time to work that out? especially when the same oppression is STILL happening
but not as many people wil talk about it 'cause we were all supposed to be
over that 'cause we had our little decade there where it was cool to picket
and stuff?
or maybe i'm just supposed to wait around for another "year of the woman"
time to express my disdain for oppression.
oh THANK you. THANK you for that WHOLE YEAR. wow, i feel special
worldwide women are still expected to clean and cook and take care of the babies etc. i mean, even in the 60's , the woman's orgasm was SORT of "discovered" and talked about in pathetically incomplete "instruction" books.
i was having coffee with my friend and there was a man in the coffee shop feeding his small baby with a bottle very intently and we turned around because we never see things like that very much and that's so sad that seeing that was actually a strange and unusual occurence we commended him.and he said "men just don't know what they're missing" :)
anyway, i don't think what i do is insane in the least. not in comparison to the total chaotic war against women that i dodge bullets from daily, not being allowed to hardly barely speak about it for fear it will ruin the "party". everyone giving me "that look" to once again be silent. to tell me that THIS is NOT the appropriate time to speak.
well, when the fuck IS the appropriate time to help stop injustice???
in the time it took me to write this down ( about 4 hours) .....
4,800 women were raped.
( going from the statistic that a woman is raped every 3 seconds...and THAT
is just the ones that were REPORTED.)
84 comments|post comment
[24 May 2001|08:32pm]
well, i guess that i'm in a typing mood today.
my friend just called me, and said that they are sorry for making me feel so badly. they understand where i am at and why i do what i do and they are proud of me. this makes me feel much better
but they also do not know if they can be as close to me as they are now because what i do causes them too much stress. :/
i understand that. and...i really am at a loss...
another extremely rainy grey day. i finally got my period so YAY!
i gave th edogs pesto linguini for breakfast.
last night i stayed at jason's 'cause he was sick.
i'm up so early in the morning...but it doesn't feel like any time of the
day because there is only grey.
i actually feel very energized today , tho.
i am in a good mood. i feel proud of myself for not caving in to anyone else's
expectations of me. i feel i am making progress. i don't feel drained at all
by my big rant 2 entries down. and even though there are a lot of comments
that i would normally respond to, i don't think i will respond to them . i've
pretty much said my piece as best i can for now. those that get it get it,
those that don't don't.
i'm moving on with my day and i'm not going to stay "there". i needed to type that out for myself as a testament to me that i know what i do is worthwhile and good. and that',s a very cool feeling.
i had a dream about a chipmunk named calvin1.
a bunch of continuing themes, rotting buildings that i once hold dear, and
i try to move back into them and restore them.
where evil things once congregated in small rooms in the basement...people
had moved in to them and reovated them. no one knew that in the past, evil
had been in there.
it was all about me letting go of my past and reconciling that it was past
and i couldn't go back,etc. blah blah blah...
i'm watching a documentary called " the last days" about the holocaust.
not because i am in a bad moos or anything and want to wallow about societies
evils, just 'cause it's the only interesting thing on tv right now this morning.
i think today is somewhat of a crossroads for me. in that it is a shift in energy, perhaps intent...something.
it feels really goofy to say this, but for the past few days when i have
crawled into bed i have fellt "the hand of god" all around me, like
i was being protected like a little mouse in the hand. last night it was more
like an angel spooning me, it wrapped it's wings around me.
maybe it's just a wish or my imagination, but i am grateful for it nonetheless.
i know i'm going to be ok. i know that i am not alone in all of this. somebodies
watching out for me. maybe its the collective love from all of u, my friends,
gathering at night to pat my head. i think that is what god is. thank u :)
3 comments|post comment
[25 May 2001|10:34am]
woa, how the fuck did they make that new REM video?? WOW!
what a wonderful puzzle!
i went to weather.com and it's going to be solid rain for the next week here. ok, i can deal with that. but when the sun finally comes out i might get so joyous that i'll explode! :)
i feel so strangely happy and calm. i hope this feeling lasts throughout
the day :)
3 comments|post comment
[25 May 2001|02:49pm]
i made a peanut butter and banana chip sandwhich :)
mmmm. JIF and crappy soft bread :)
i haven't had that in ages and i've never tried it with banana chips!
argh! all of a sudden my chillcam stopped working, became unregistered, and erased all the configurations it had.
fuck.
so i restarted my new version and it had converted back to the old version that doesn't work for me...that damn "socket disconnected" thing.
so i started up my multicam version that i bought and configured it and it also will not work for me, does the same thing that the old version did...socket disconnected.
argh. fuck. argh.
i'll have to uninstall everything and start from the beginning i guess.
no wait...i see that this is not the newest version either....the version
i bought is gone. WTF???
post comment
[26 May 2001|02:33am]
now webcam32 won't work for me. something went wrong :/
and so i uninstalled that. reinstalled chillcam and it wants to go into folder
that does not exist and tells me so..then just goes ahead with it's recommendation
to put it in the c drive. it's this weird thing.
so i delete aloecam cause that seems to be interfering with something.
i reinstal chillcam, same problem. i reinstall chillcam, i reboot, i scan,
i defragment, i reboot, i scan i defragment. i unitall i reinstall.
now i have chillcam up...but when i open it , it immediately minimizes and
will not get out of that so i can see it and configure it.
i am so tired.
so i tried coffeecam but it won't register my videocard.
nothing will shut down properly. i ctrl alt delete like mad.
i dunno.
must sleep.
blarg and glarb
i'll try more when i wake up
10 comments|post comment
[26 May 2001|10:05am]
i uninstalled everything that was webcam32 on my computer and reinstalled
the very newest version, which opened fine for me ( i actualkly like the old
version better because the "source" was readily available in only
1 click )
i have chillcam , too. but it wants to just not show itself.i can see it
at the taskbar...and i can minimize it and maximize it or hit ctrl tab as
many times as i want..but to no avail. it just wants to only be seen on my
taskbar.
ARGH.
i just HAVE to get chillcam working. i can't run my site the way i really
want to without it :(
3 comments|post comment
[26 May 2001|11:03am]
i was in such a good mood. i was in an even better mood after i wrote that
big long entr6y and got that off my chest. i told myself i'd move on from
it and not get sucked intio any negative arguments about it.
but damn. i got sucked in during the last of it and now i am feeling really
mad at myself for that.
i WILL stop doing that i WILL.
thanks 2 my friends who continually whack me back onto the positive side. just kick my ass over to that side, ok? i'd like some lemonade and to roll in the grass. i really don't want to be so negative.
but it's difficult when it's grey out for weeks it seems and i'm having some
difficult times with jason and i hope we make it through because he is my
creature and i love him. but we are very different people in some very crucial
ways. thing is we have more in common than not...but damn...why does it have
to be this way? why are relationships so damn difficult?
we are so perfect for each other in so many ways. he smells so yummy. he makes
me laugh. he is the perfect size ( in all the ways )
his eyes are so beautiful. his lips are so beautiful. his voice is so beautiful.
he loves computers even MORE than i do. he loves science fiction. we have
almost the same spirituality, ethics, morals, etc. he loves my doglets. he
doesn't want children. he hates going out like i do. i like his family. his
family likes ME! (THAT's a first!) we both love the same movies and music.
we both "future" stuff. he can write beautiful cryptic poetry when
he feels like it. he is super smart. he can deal with most of my quirks. he
likes it when i sing him creature songs and talk to him in creature language.
he is always the perfect temperature. i love his fuzzy head. we usually can
work through problems in a logical way and actually evolve together.
we like to do almost all the same things. what we want for the future is pretty
synchronized. our beliefs are pretty much the same. I LOVE HIM!
but there is stuff we do not at all jell on. stuff that is very important. stuff i won't get in to much. i'm not ever going type on here anything personal about him that would make him feel uncomfortable. so if u are reading this , jason, i LOVE you, ok??? I LOVE YOU! i am for YOU. i want to be for YOU. i don't want to watch king of the hill with anyone else. augh.
i am so sad. i am so scared.
8 comments|post comment
[26 May 2001|02:57pm]
jason and i don't know how we are going to solve our differences. all we do
know is that we are going to keep trying. i love him so much
6 comments|post comment
[26 May 2001|04:26pm]
i made so many cool pix yesterday with my cam, i can't even STAND it :)
the sun came out for about 20 minutes while i was talking to my mom. my mom is in bad shape. she has something wrong with the tendons in her legs so she is in a cast and can't clean the house or move around or take the dog out, so she is really freaking because she is a control freak. she feels she is not in control of her body and she can't control her house so she is really at a loss over what to do about that. and she can't do much intricate things with her hands like painting, writing or sewing because her hands hurt, too. she has to have this leg cast for 6 weeks and then have a bit of rehabilitation. i feel just awful for her. she has been so sick almost all her life. i hope she learns to let go during these 6 weeks or she is gonna implode.
my dad and are are just playing phone tag.
i'm sorting through campix and wathing a thing on punk on mtv. i've seen it aleady actually. it's kinda more in the background.
i'm super hungry!
jason and i decided that we shouldn't be in denial anymore over the fact that we should break up. we love each other intensely and we have no desire to date anyone else or anything...but we have both tried to change ourselves too much so that we could fit together in harmony and that backfired and the pieces of our personality that we tried to suppress ended up leaking out in other ways and a lot of resentment was built up on both sides.
so our official statement is:
we have broken up
but we are still going to see each other
and we don't know what will happen.
it was a very mutual breakup
we both need to go find ourselves again and be who we truly are...and maybe this will result in us moving even farther apart from each other, or perhaps it could result in us moving closer together again.
we really hope that it will result in us getting back together someday and that our relationship part 2, will be even stronger than it was.
but right now the way things are, it is impossible to have it go on this way.
i must say this is the most ridiculously civil breakup i have ever had.
but i'm sure it will hit me later and i'll go into many long crying sessions
which i SO much do NOT want to do. there is just nothing worse than breaking
up.
the reason for the breakup is that i am more of a wild adventurous extremely
affectionate dare devil punk rock grrl who likes to jump around on railroad
tracks and drink wine and make out in abandoned buildings and , obviously,
i lead a very public life and the daredevil aspect of me really stresses him
out.
and jason is a reserved very private person who likes to delve into the acedemic
side of life and doesn't express himself through affection as much as i do
and is so dedicated to his academic way of learning that it doesn't leave
as much time as is required to have a relationship and that makes me sad.
i guess that's it in a nutshell.
i feel very very very very odd now. this really really sucks and...i have no idea how i am going to move through this and process this.
thank god it is actually sunny today...i don't know what else to say or do...
[29 May 2001|03:12am]
i'm watching the tv guide channel and thinking about calling miss cleo.
help me.
i'm hangin in there. i am. i'm ok but this is ridiculous.
10 comments|post comment
[29 May 2001|04:02am]
i'm reading her journal about her surgery:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/diversify/
i wanna shake the dust out of my hair, throw the glitter back in.
moulin rouge babeee. yes, i LOVE that video. of COURSE i do!
i want some long sparkly red extensions.
oh shit it's a new U2 vid. i guess mtv plays videos super late at night? mtv is actually playing a video? and all the good ones, in a ROW? the gods are smiling upon me i guess during my late night worries.
also, is there a new radiohead cd? i just saw a video that was new saying it was from a new cd! aaa!!! must HAVE!
i hope i won't be awake until the sun comes up. my mind just goes and goes and goes...
i don't know what the fuck...
i'm checking my email for too many times.
i'll get back to everyone, no fishes or sharks nor bunnies need worry.
i suck at email. i suck at getting back to anyone in anyway shape or form
about anything. this is how i communicate. take it. this is how i want it.
i work best this way. not too many people can handle me "in real life"
i seem like i am super outgoing and would go to many parties when u meet me.
i seem like the kind of person who would go out a lot with tons of friends.
i might do that once...i do explode like confetti every once in awhile...but
then i retreat again. this confuses people. it's gotten more pronounced as
i've gotten older and i'm pretty sure i don't want to change that aspect of
myself for now. it works for me. i tend to really lose myself into other people
if i stay around people too long then have to retreat and pull myself out
again and get myself arranged. it's an interesting way to be.
but i really do need to learn how to NOT lose myself when it isn't a very
good time to do that.
fuck why am i still up? and what am i going to do tomorrow?
i need some girlfriends to shop for nailpolish with. i wish that chinatown was here. so much to look at there. i wish i could live in chinatown. i heard that is one of the most expensive areas to live in in NYC.
i have some chocolate left.
i wish i had a space between my two front teeth. i think that looks so cool
i'm not gonna do anything rash, impulve.i'm just thinking out loud. typing
gives me something 2 do
10 comments|post comment
[29 May 2001|10:27am]
sleeping in bits, keep waking up. went 2 sleep around 5am. woke up at 9.
now i'm gonna TRY to get a few more hours of sleep in. dunno if it'll work.
having yucky dreams every night. almost always the same theme.
i can't really comprehend that jason and i have broken up yet.
i got a nice email from mandy of mandycam.tv
she told me that she is the biggest camgirl in australia. i hadn't heard of
her, but i haven't been keeping up with all the new cam in the last year or
so..tho i've tried. i checked up on her and she was sleeping, too :)
she is also 24/7 and it looks like, so far, it's totally free...her url is:
http://www.mandycam.tv
tell her i sent ya :)
1 comment|post comment
[29 May 2001|12:48pm]
tried to go back to sleep for a few hours. it was awful. fitful.dream sof
being raped and my friends being raped in my old childhood home...the only
place i ever did feel safe.
hiding, tactics, calling 911 and it doesn't work well.
i have a headahe now.
i'm gonna watch some fluffy tv and have a peanut butter sandwhich
post comment
[29 May 2001|02:26pm]
i need mp3s of word up by cameo
whip it baby by the dazz band
and in my house by the mary jane girls
ah god...c'mon napster.....
8 comments|post comment
[29 May 2001|04:45pm]
i write stuff...i delete it.
i mean, i almost put it up here...then i think what's the use...
i can't get it down right. i can't do any of it any justice.
i feel anxious. a lot of running through my mind but it's all a blur.
i think i just give up today to put any sense or purpose or meaning or closure
or to anything. i feel like i can't end anything or begin anything., it's
just a big mess. a hate this shit.
2 comments|post comment
[29 May 2001|05:17pm]
jason's coming diown 2 talk with me.
i'm crying. this sucks.
i wish i was dressed at least in a glamourous outfit while going through this.
i feel so white trash
all of this is just bullshit
7 comments|post comment
jason and i are back together again [29 May 2001|06:35pm]
ok, so ...we have decided that breaking up is so totally not what we want
to do. we love each other very much. breaking up for a few days and having
that be real, helped us move quickly through a bunch of stuff and get rid
of some crap that was standing in the way. things are far from perfect. i
don't think they ever will be. but we want to be together through our confusions
and support each other through this life, whatever that may bring.
we are still scared, we have no idea what we are doing...we are simply doing
this by our hearts and gut feelings.
everything is raw. we have a lot on our plates. but i think we can pull through
this. i hope we can. and if not then i know that we still will both be ok
even then.
wow. life. i am just.....stunned by it all. tonight is DEFINITELY for watching
tv. i don't want to think anymore today. i have enough in me to digest.
i'm not gonna post this everywhere just yet. i wanna make sure that it is indeed real. talk about an emotional rollercoaster! i'm just making this up as a go along. yessirree!
ok, well, i guess i am already posting this everywhere.
thank you everyone SO MUCH for all your support! it is still helping me so much. in fact, it will always be a part of me now that cannot go away. :)
it's awkward trying to convey all of this here. this thing is so huge and so much happened and i cannot even talk about it i don't think, not yet. i know u know what i mean
i hope this is real. i know this looks flaky, but....who knows.
maybe we'll break up and get back together with each other a bunch of times
for the next few months. i have no idea. i'm just happy that things SEEM to
be moving in a forward sort of fashion. and i love that guy, dammit, i love
him.
24 comments|post comment
[29 May 2001|08:17pm]
i'm so happy :) i'm gonna go to jason's now and smoosh with him. aaaaaaaaaaaah
:) he is my creature :)
look at what my horoscope was yesterday (aries) :
Dear Ana, here is your horoscope for May 29, 2001.
Be careful you don't act impulsively today, Ana. It can be easy to confuse
this with being spontaneous; however, one has more thought put into it than
the other. With the influence of this day's aspects, be certain to look before
you leap! Think everything through, from decisions, to projects, to contracts.
Read the small print more than once. When it comes to relationships, avoid
trusting too quickly - don't set yourself up for hurt by allowing yourself
to be gullible.
2 comments|post comment
[30 May 2001|09:55am]
ok, since it looks weird , i guess, to break up then get back together so
soon, and because, who knows, we may break up and get back together a bunch
more times...maybe i should jyst not type about that in here. because no one
really no one knows what's going on...what our relationship consists of, what
it is that is transpiring now etc etc.
it's not as flaky as it looks, u just aren't seeing ANY of what is going on
here at all.
also, i think it's actually normal that this stuff goes on. i don't know anyone
who's ever had a completely nonmessy, totally civil, non-confusing, weird-ass
break up.
when it comes to love...anything goes, and i'm sure u all know that.
it's very awkward going through this partly in here. maybe when it comes t this stuff i shouldn't write anything about it on the net. maybe. because my relationship with jason is the #1 thing that no one knows much about. the only person who gets tge whole story is my best friend, carolyn. other than thta, all i say in here about jason or my relationship with jason is just a atom-sized fraction of what is really reality.
even the thing that i wrote in here and then erased, was just about a thousandth of a percent of what the deal is. and that is why i erased it. because i realized it was completely futile to explain anything about jason and i.
if i was to do it right, i would have to start at the beginning of our relationship and explain to u all we have gone through, everything we have said and done...and since u have basically seen not even 1% of that, to talk about it now would be totally futile.
it's like showing u 5 minutes of a soap opera that has been going on for 4 years. it's not fair to the story of the relationship that i should try to express any of it NOW, especially in the midst of all the turmoil of it.
this is definitely a huge puzzle. i don't know how to go about writing stuff
in here about this. i feel stupid for writing in here that we were breaking
up, even tho it was TOTALLY REAL, and then i feel stupid for saying we are
getting back together even tho that is real too.
every minute is real here. just as every minute is real for u. we are just
going through our shit like everyone else does. and u know that shit gets
messy and totally weird when it comes to stuff like this.
i'm just taking this one hour at a time. i don't know what will be the outcome
of this. nothing is ever set in stone.
17 comments|post comment
[30 May 2001|01:47pm]
besides the normal things like love, trust, respect, friendship, love, sex,
similiar backgrounds, interests, goals, morals, ethics, likes, dislikes, spirituality,
beliefs etc etc etc....
what are the 5 things that u must have in a relationship or 5 things u look for in a partner or you'll be unhappy?
and what are the 5 things u cannot tolerate...
------------
another question:
if u make a list of a relationships pluses and minuses...what do u think percentage of pluses should be to minuses for that relationship to be a very worthwhile one. and what percentage that it's at least promising enough to keep putting energy into?
----------
what percentage of compromise goes into a normal relationship?
personally do u think you compromise too much? do u think your partner compromises too much?
what do u feel are the things that are ok to compromise about, and which are the things u feel are not.
----------
have u ever waited around for a person to change?
if so, what did u want them to change?
how long did u say to them or yoursellf that u would wait?
how long did u actually wait?
did anything get changed?
was it worth it to wait?
28 comments|post comment
groovy :) [30 May 2001|02:58pm]
a harvard search engine :)
http://search.harvard.edu:8765/
also read a lot about the drug called neurontin in the past few days.
i found out that a lot symptoms i've been having ARE symptoms that come from
taking it so i look fwd to getting off of it. plus it's damn expensive.
and i really think that i shall be off of it within the next few months, if
not sooner.
i am totally off of xanax now! but i think i'm still adjusting to that.
and i am almost off of prozac. i only have three .20 mg pills left
so i'm just about off of everything, or shall be soon.
today is another perfect good weather day. jason and i are going to go for a walk when he gets home and then go for a scooter ride.
i haven't told my mom or dad that we are back together again. i don't know when i'll do that. i don't really want to go there about that with them.
actually, my dad leaves me alone about it. he actually stays out of my business more than i'd like sometimes.
my mom really loves jason, but she was practically planning my next marriage
when i told her we had broken up because that's how she is.
i think she is just so paranoid that my next boyfriend would be a girlfriend
that she was desperately trying to get me out on a date within the hour of
my breakup.
actually, i think i shall call my dad now. we've been playing phone tag for
days. and i think he actually reads this sometimes, so hey dad! if u are reading
this hello! :)
2 comments|post comment
[30 May 2001|03:31pm]
lust bringeth forth death?
http://www.livejournal.com/users/amenlover
now here i am on the other end of the livejournal spectrum wanting to save HIM. i feel sorry for this guy. imagine having THAT much fear in u? what do u think is the best thing that we could do for him? leave him alone? send him light? i wonder how old he is. i wonder what is upbringing was like. it's people like that i just want to kidnap and take to burning man so they could see that they have nothing to fear from us...especially women
but i fear people such as amenlover. he says that he knows that he will die
doing god's work..probably with his pro-lifework...
does that mean he think that pro-choice people are going to shoot him like
pro-lifers sometimes shoot pro-choice?
i guess i could go into his journal and ask him...but i don't dare. and it's probably futile anyway. i hate that feeling if futility.
there are some people in there just to antagonize him. i don't want to do that. it'll only fuel his hellfire. he obviously thrives on that.
i guess the only thing is to ignore him then. and just let him live his life.
i just get scared of these people, like they are gonna take guns out and start
shooting sinners right and left someday. this is , to me, the kind of person
who is about to snap or will snap someday soon.
i am way over here unable to anything about it. sad.
maybe the journal is fake, i dunno. there ARE people out there exactly like that. it's so scary.
just watched this scary documentary the other day on cinemax ( or hbo? ) about the people that call themselves "god's army"
it was just like that but even worse.
i mean www.godhatesfags.com is real. you'd THINK it'd be a joke but it's
not.
13 comments|post comment
[30 May 2001|03:50pm]
ok, that journal is fake. ok, i was tricked :) i hope it's fake! ok, ya. i
was sucked in. hey...it's an emotional day. what can i say? whoever does it
does a good job. amen.
i think it was made by this guy here:
http://smithbrad.nventure.com/sites02.htm
and that's where i am now reading
13 comments|post comment
[30 May 2001|06:27pm]
la la la
i'm nervous today and taking an excedrin didn't help matters
the dogs are curled up like doughnuts
i should take a shower and get ready to go outside
but i'll probably lay here on my bed more
i'm too nervous to move yet. sometimes exedrin makes me too shaky
clarity clarity clarity clarity clarity
i want to move my bed again
ah, jason's coming home soon. we will go for a walk. that will calm me down
2 comments|post comment
[30 May 2001|06:37pm]
i had a really nice long walk. now i'm gonna take a shower then go out on
the scooter and get some food :) it's perfect outside :)
1 comment|post comment
[30 May 2001|07:05pm]
i feel very content right now :)
groggy
1 comment|post comment
[31 May 2001|02:11pm]
i bought some condensed milk to put in my coffee, but didn't really like it
so i fed it to the dogs. now sebastian's fur is all stuck to his face because
of the stickiness of it. he definately needs a bath.
3 comments|post comment
[31 May 2001|02:36pm]
i have reason to think the CIA is tapping my phone.
23 comments|post comment
[31 May 2001|05:00pm]
i'm moving my bed around again and watching the 100 most shocking moments
of rock and roll on mtv
it's 56 degrees and rain :/
i really like where i moved my bed now. i think that is where it will stay, but i didn't put it on the frame just in case...'cause i'm sick of moving it around.
it's wonderful to have floor space again, the room looks a ton bigger, and the dogs are much happier with the arrangement.
i had to live with my bed against the window like that for awhile to see if that was cool. it was...but not as cool as where it is now. now when my mom brings those japanese screens over sometime, they can go around my bed. and i want to get mosquito netting and turn it into a sensual tent :)
it's last nice to sit at the computer in a chair again. man ...typing from my bed really hurt my back.
with all the emotional ups and downs i have gone through in the last week because of my relationship with jason, i finally had a good cry last night and i feel a lot more calm now.
i found a large unfinshed painting with a bit of a rip in the canvas by a
dumpster the other day. so i took it home and that is what it against the
wall on my bed right now.
i'm going to paint over it something groovy :)
ok, it's listen to music loud and organize stuff in my house time. i want
to get a lot done today
2 comments|post comment
[01 Jun 2001|12:36pm]
i'm defragmenting my harddrive
2 comments|post comment
[01 Jun 2001|01:14pm]
am i only only one who feels a sense of inner peace and joy that all is right
with the world while watching the details of a defragmentation of thee harddrives?
god, i could just watch that all day. i want to defragment my brain so badly!
while i watch it defragment i like to visualize that it is my brain that is
getting defragmented. oooo, so pleasant :)
8 comments|post comment
[01 Jun 2001|05:06pm]
i'm playing with the 2 slide projectors i inherited, and all the slides from
around the world that go with that were taken by my relative, grace.
i am gonna have a lot of fun with these :)
3 comments|post comment
[01 Jun 2001|05:41pm]
i'm washing the doglets. sebastian is TRES fluffy now. POOF!
he is twice his size!
i think i'll do deiter next...he doesn't get too fluffy but he looks much
better when squeaky clean :)
and pooka really puffs out a lot after a wash :)
10 comments|post comment
[01 Jun 2001|06:47pm]
i didn't get the pookadog washed yet. maybe tomorrow.
i'm all sopping wet.
i have to get a case of coca cola or i will most certainly die.
the sky is gorgeous with dark pillaring clouds with the sun slicing through
behind them. the dogs are napping.
i hope there is a good movie on tonight
2 comments|post comment
[01 Jun 2001|09:45pm]
jason is staying overnight. i have brand new 300 thread count white crisp
sheets and 3 crisp clean puplets :)
watching stuff about marilyn monroe on tv
combing through campix for a new anagram
post comment
[02 Jun 2001|03:34pm]
the new anagram is gonna take awhile to make...it's gonna be 10 pages! ack!
went out 2 eat with jason and his parents and then went food shopping. i got
yummy organic cherries and blueberries! mmmmmmmmm :)
i am so tired i could just fall over into my bed...but i really want to get
this anagram done so it's not on my mind.
who will win...mind or body?