getting old...

i don't like aging.
it's freaking me out.
i thought i would handle this better, but i'm not.
it's all fine and dandy to be 27 and romanticize how cool you will be when you get older.
but it's a completely different thing when it's actually happening.
maybe it's just hard right now because this is the beginning of it.
maybe after it's on full force i will just give in...like death.
well, you have to give in. you have no choice.

i don't like the fact that someday people will look back on my pictures and say "she USED to be so beautiful".
i know i know...old age can be beautiful, too. inner beauty. blah blah blah.
and society taught us that only youth has value/power/beauty and that's a load of crap,etc.
and we just have to unlearn that, or something.
but i am having a really hard time unlearning it.
and i don't think i will be able to. although i will keep trying.
i have no choice.

it's just going to be weird when people look at me and gross out at the thought of having sex with me. but why should i care? i don't want to have sex with them either.
i just don't want to gross people out, no one wants to be thought of in that way.
sex IS power, in many respects. and, as a woman, this is never made more clear.

i've always had a wish to be invisible.
i've heard it said many times that when you are an old woman, you ARE invisible.
will i get my wish?
and what will it be like if i do?

last night on dog eat dog one of the tests someone had to do was line up the picture of these pin up models from the 40's and 50's with the now old and real woman.

and it was HARD. the women didn't look like those photos anymore.
and you could see the looks on the men's faces as they tried hard to reconcile their feelings of desire for the pin up photos with the real life women, now a grandmother.

why should i care? i mean i'm sure i'm not going to want some 20 years old guy when i'm 60 or 70 or 80. i don't want one NOW. but it's just that....that...thing!
that whatever....you jsut want the OPTION, i guess. y'know? i just don't want my options closed on me even if i know i will never use that option.

like i like the fact that i have the option to kill myself and leave the planet any time i want. but i'm not going to USE that option. y'know?

every few decades or so we look back on photos of ourselves and we are unrecognizable. when i was 20 i didn't look like how i did when i was 10.
but i didn't look back in angst at my 10 year old body and wish i had it back.
i didn't look at myself in the mirror at 20 and say "who am i?" i USED to look 10. i didn't have some sort of identity crisis. i was happy with my progress. i was happy with my new body.

i'm PISSED that sosciety has rammed down my throat since day 1 that i would be at the peak of my existence in my 20's and 30's.
and i'm equally more pissed that no amount of political correctness is going to make that not a fact, to a large degree.

there is a REASON that we are not attracted to older women, i suppose.
because they cannot produce children anymore. so, i suppose it's "JUST biology".
but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

i hope that MY biology changes in some way that it turns off the part of me that cares about this.

i hope that this post is the last of my youthful folly and i will look back at this post and laugh.

i feel like i'm going to change into an entirely different being.
almost an entirely different species!
i'm attached to the way i look right now, and that is the problem.
i've worked hard on accepting it, molding it, knowing it, working with it.
i don't WANT a new body.
especially one that moves slower, creaks, and wrinkles.

old bodies are fine for old people let the old people have them.
but i'm not old!

i feel like i'm in a cage. i hear old people say things like they feel exactly as they did when they were 22.
to me, that's creepy. i don't want to feel like 22 in an 80 year old body. that makes me feel like i'm a young person stuck in an old body. and , to me, that's just creepy.
creepy because i don't understand it, or perhaps because i do.
i don't know.

i feel like my body is betraying me. someday it will cease to function altogether.
i hate it.

i try to think of things like how WISE i will be.
or how FUN and FREE it will be when i'm dead.
but it just doesn't help much.

i like this body.
i like earth.
i just want to stay here, like this, and crochet.

i don't WANT to be reincarnated to do it all over again, tho! ack!
i do NOT want to be a baby again! why do i have to go through ALL OF THAT just to get to the part where finally you have things together enough to actually get something done and wise enough to appreciate it?

i hope when i die i just get to have my body back.
and maybe there, i can finally have a house and a home, too.

but until then....
all this AGING!
god, i hope i don't get alzheimers. or have to wear diapers.
or have tubes stuck in me. or have pain. or smell or drool.
i know that is a long way off so why even think about it?

but it's true that the older you get the faster time goes.
i'm going to be there in no time at all, really.
and since there really isn't time, i'm already there.

if i'm already there...do i feel this way because i KNOW it sucks?
i don't know. i could go on like this forever...and often do.

at least if you're a guy you can grow a cool grey beard and look like peter gabriel who looks like a wizard now. and somehow, that' still sexy.

why does sexy matter to me so much? i don't want to care!
but i do! i hate this! i hate it hate it hate it.

i'm sorry to all the old people reading this.
i hope that things like this don't bother you now.
i hope you are reading this post and laughing and can tell me something i don't know. something i can look forward to. some sort of "old age secret".
is there a secret world there i don't know about?
and is it fun?
please tell me that when you get to be a certain age, all of this doesn't matter anymore and you get to go to the secret magical old age people world that younger people cannot even comprehend because they are too damn busy worrying about getting laid.

and i remember things like when i was a child laughing at the concept that grandma used to be young and pretty. you would look through old pictures and see her, young and vibrant...and wonder...
and try so hard to se where that young face fit into her now old face.
try to see that it is still the same person.
and you just couldn't.

people will do this to me.
people will have a hard time recognizing me.

i'm turning into a new species.